Scream Queens

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Oh you want a synopsis, do ya? Well have ALL THE SYNOPSES IN THE WORLD.

So we're gonna keep this short & sweet, because every few weeks we endeavor to keep our episodes to an hour max and then immediately decide to not stick to those rules. So here we have it folks, our short episode of the month, so ignore Dannii's warning at the beginning that this is a long one - it isn't. She also warns it's missing loads of details - it also isn't. 

This week we're discussing H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H Holmes and his murder hotel. Not to be confused with the murder hotel in American Horror Story: Hotel which also featured a murder hotel that was even more of a murder hotel than this murder hotel, because it was a composite of this murder hotel and another famous murder hotel. Understood? Great!
Murder hotel!

Meanwhile, Conor discusses his foray into Millionaire Madwoman territory and Dannii just can't wait to visit a literally abandoned town and to be honest we're all going to really miss her, aren't we?  *Crickets*

Dannii's dead father also makes an appearance as a potential merch option, for anyone who really wants to test the boundaries of taste and really, really want to be haunted by a man who in no way could possibly approve of a) anything on this podcast, and b) being turned into a literal piece of merch for that podcast he definitely hates from beyond the grave.

P.S. Nailed it on the Simpsons Quote Jar thing. 

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Lizzie Borden took an axe,
and gave her mother forty whacks,
and when he saw what she had done,
she gave her father forty-one.

So basically none of that is true whatsoever, but you know what they say: never let the truth get in the way of a good-old terrifying children's song about a violent parenticide! 

In this episode we tell the story of the homely and quite honestly FREELOADING Borden sisters, who may or may not have brutally murdered their DISGUSTINGLY RICH father and STEPmother. It's with good reason too because these two bitches just weren't bothered getting a) married, b) their own place, or c) A GODDAMN JOB. Did one of them do it alone? Were they in on it together? Did Sister Borden leave town, or did she just tell everyone she did as an alibi? And what are the chances that their moustache-twiddling, cloak-wearing, cane-stomping uncle would be in town that very weekend? It's all highly suspect - which is what makes this episode so fun!

We also discuss society's obsession with the wicked stepmother trope and you can probably guess why, which segues into discussions on sex and porn, somehow without mentioning any involving step-family narratives. I mean it was RIGHT THERE.

Special appearance by another bumbling police force, though in fairness this time they were just severely hindered by the limitations of science at the time, and their misogynistic opinions of women. 

Special disappearance by the "sea turtle having sex noise" we threaten to edit into the clip at 18:34 because we definitely did not do that. Just look it up on YouTube. 

Also featuring the introduction of our Simpsons Quote Jar, where we have to put money into a cup every time that we unauthorizedly use their property without their permission. This will lead to our homelessness, so I don't see this lasting beyond this episode.

What the fuck is a wet noodle? 

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Sophie has been doing a lot of "dr...awings" lately, and we're all very concerned.
Don't be fooled, this not an intervention for a listener named Sophie! She genuinely is just drawing and for some reason she's going to draw us, but she hasn't yet so maybe she won't, but she really should.

This is a special episode because for the first time ever, Dannii thinks this story is a FAKE, which literally never happens because no matter what she says she has definitely handed her wallet over to a "wallet inspector."

In this episode we discuss A (possible) HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT (maybe).
This is the story of Carmen and Al Snedeker who moved their family (including their niece for some reason?) from New York City to Connecticut (gross!) because their son was terminally ill (also gross!) to their new house which seemed perfect until immediately after moving in discover that their basement comes with a fully intact embalming operation (so gross!). In a completely unsurprisingly turn of events, moving into a former funeral home leads to some spectacularly outrageous "haunting" events. But first, we get a nice healthy dose of parental denial of things such as whispering wallpaper, being constantly swarmed by an army of black crows, and overt demonic possession.

We also play a dangerous game of "If I Quit, Who Would You Replace Me With?" which means this may be the last ever episode of Scream Queens, at least in its current form, because one of us might be dead. Which by the way would be an even better podcast called "Dannii & Conor (Deceased)"

Special appearance by a story about a girl we know who accidentally turned into a ghost from a low budget horror movie while attempting to change a bedsheet.

P.S. Turns out we're both right. Trisket is meat, Triscuits are biscuits. 
But Brisket is also meat, but Briscuits are not biscuits. 

I dare you to count how many words in this synopsis begin with the letter "N" and tell Conor he's wrong. 

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We're back to the cursed format we're always terrified of doing, particularly one with basically no research either beyond finding a pre-written article - this time not from Good Housekeeping, at least. To be honest we've enough self-researched episodes out there that we can get away with it, unlike that time we did it in our second ever episode.

And speaking of cursed formats, we're discussing Cursed Movies - not just of "The Ring" die-when-you-watch-it nature, but also movies that have had HORRIBLE things happen to the people involved in making them, sometimes in goosebump-inducingly coincidental ways - often involving planes for some reason! If the devil does indeed exist, he spends a lot of time hanging around film sets. Though to be honest, if the movie I was watching opened with an 8-minute documentary I wouldn't be waiting seven days to die.

Don't worry, we do lament the fact that we totally missed out on an opportunity to have a Valentines themed episode, and as usual about 20 off-topic stories that dramatically increases the runtime of this episode which should have been a short one right up to the 2 hour mark, including our Myers-Briggs Personalities basically because Conor outright refuses to believe that Dannii is an introvert. (Turns out afterwards she is though).

Treacle Further.

Featuring:

• Antrum: The Deadliest Film Ever Made (2018)
• Snuff: An American Cannibale (1976)
• Poltergeist (1982)
• The Blair Witch Project (1999)
• The Omen (1976)
• The Crow (1994)
• The Exorcist (1973)
• Rosemary's Baby (1968)
• ATUK (----)
• Dannii Did the Itchy! (2021)

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HEYllo whatsupyouguys? 

Do you remember that episode of the IT Crowd with the cannibal who places a personal ad to find someone to eat? Well, turns out that before Graham Linehan was a transphobic arsehole, he was also not very original.

In this episode we explore the case of Armie Ham-eh, I mean Armin Meiwes, a son of a police office who could somehow afford to build a house modelled on a giant Rubix cube who's mother was apparently responsible for turning him into a homosexual cannibal, because you know, it's ALWAYS the mother's fault. He's also a noted Sagittarius, which explains so much.

However, our Armie (not THAT Armie) knows his worth and only wants to eat men who actually want him to eat them (you go, girl!) As it turns out an alarming amount of gay men are willing to literally die for the cock, and even have demands about how they want to be served - because gay! So in truly fabulous style, our Armie rolls out the yankee candles, flowers, and literally potato fucking dauphinoise. Honestly! Those gays! Always going the extra mile. Shame he put them in his literal sex dungeon of literal cages and meat hooks. Bringing whole new meaning to a Grindr Meet/Hook-Up.

Unsuprisingly, Dannii endorses eating people, and Conor gets annoyed that he is now too old to even get a reply from a literal fucking cannibal on Grindr, if his personal ad was anything to go by. 

Conor & Danni also explore the luxuries of the Irish prison system, the potential benefits eating dolphins, and how reinstating the death penalty may be what brings us all together again after COVID has been eliminated. We also take on cyber bullies! FUCK YOU CYBER BULLIES.

Pay no attention to the cum stains on the mirror.