Scream Queens

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Were the gold-rushing McCloud brothers murdered by some Native Americans trying to protect the land? Or did they get into a fiery fight with a vengeful bear?

Did the Dyatlov Pass campers die of hypothermia as the Russian government claims, or were they attacked by a radioactive bear with laser eyes?

Did the Sodder (yes, Sodder) children perish in an electrical fire? Or were they kidnapped  by some Mussolini fanatics?  Or did they also get into a fiery fire with an angry bear? OR did the bear save them from the fire to live their new lives together in Kentucky? 

Did freeloading and homely Lizzie Borden murder her wealthy father and stepmother in order to inherit his wealth and marry her uncle? Was her uncle a moustache-twiddling, cloak-billowing, top hat-wearing bear?

In this episode we take turns telling short tales of still unsolved disappearances and murders with varying degrees of what-the-fuckery and some pretty ridiculous public reactions.  No, not Madeline McCann for reasons Dannii explores but Conor will not dare repeat.

Once again we try to cram too much into one episode and run out of time before we get through them all because we just never learn our damn lesson, but we are going to explore some of these stories and the ones we didn't read in the future because to be honest they deserve full length episodes.

FUN FACT: Every time we've recorded an episode in this format we have hated it and ended up throwing the whole baby away with the bathwater (need future episode exploring the origin of this expression btw) - so sorry if it's shite. 

Sponsored by Wagner Cruises.

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We did it! Us crazy bastards finally did it! A reasonable length episode! Who knew we had it in us? This is basically the length we've always wanted our episodes to be but gave up trying because let's face it WE'VE JUST BEEN HAVING SO MUCH FUN YOU GUYS.

Speaking of fun, do you know what's really fun? WITCHCRAFT. 
That's right - throughout recorded history the darks arts have intrigued our society through both works of fiction (Shakespeare's Weird Sisters are personal faves of Conor's) or through personal accounts.  

Well, in this episode we don't really get to explore that because we take a trip back to famously fun and lighthearted colonial Massachusetts were nothing terrible ever happens to a small town called Salem, which you may have heard of from the film Hocus Pocus. Well, it turns out the whole place was a fucking shit show and we explore why. Basically two little white rich bitches got hopped up on some good old fashioned lye parasite and bloodlusty Christian pilgrims used it as an opportunity to murder a load of people. Not the little white girls though - no no, mostly women of ill-repute such as widows, women who displayed independent thought, or ones who gardens were just too damn luscious. 

And don't get us started on the slavery. All we can say is if Tituba actually was a witch they all had it coming to them. 

We also complain about joggers, people complaining about Night Stalker, Fran Lebowitz complaining about everything, and "Grimey 80's Dance Sleazy" (whatever that is).

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Happy New Year (again, we guess!)

Have you any New Years Resolutions? We take you through some of our bad habits (and facial hair choices - cough cough) and take you through the resolutions we've made to combat them. Trigger Warning  for Dry January - but we'll see how long we last because arguably this podcase depends on us being lubricated.

Speaking of Trigger Warnings, you may have noticed we have a fancy new  Anonymous-esque disclaimer on this episode. That's because on this episode we are discussing The Ken & Barbie Killers. What's that you say? "Is this a podcast about the crime spree we're about to go on?" Of course not! We would never reveal the details of our mastermind scheme.  

This week we are discussing Paul Bernardo & Karla Homolka, the beautiful blonde Canadian married couple forwardslash serial killers who together raped and murdered at least three teenage girls between 1990 and 1993 - including Karla's own sister. FUN! 
So as you've probably gathered  that though we do our usual best to lighten the mood, this episode may be a heavy one for certain listeners, so do feel free to sit this one out if that's the case - we'll catch you next week.

We also discuss the 2020 Documentary "Don't Fuck With Cats" and Conor absolutely spoils everything about it between19:20 -20:10 in case you haven't seen it yet - in which case, what the fuck have you been during this whole pandemic?



Russia .

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Happy New Year, guys!
And also we should say Merry Christmas because you may have noticed (some of you with delight) that we didn't release our Christmas episode last week for reasons we explain herewithin. Our chaotic energy, you gotta love it!

So we're burning the corpse of 2020 and high-stepping into 2021 with the tale of the Highgate Vampire, a seemingly easily startled prince of darkness who frequented Highgate Cemetery in the late 1960s/early 70s. Disclaimer: Was it even a vampire? It doesn't sound like it, but that doesn't matter! All of London bought into a shared delusion that there was one and let themselves get whipped up into a corpse-desecrating frenzy cemetery vandalism. You should never let the truth get in the way of a good story in his hunt for vampires and/or fame. 

We also meet the Hag of Swains Lane, a much less mythological but equally iconic creature who spent her days on the adjoining street of the cemetery. Was she the one who's been pushing people over? 

And possibly most importantly of all, we meet David Farrant and Sean Manchester, rival Vampire-hunters who publicly feuded in the press right up until David's passing following a rumoured MAGICIAN'S DUEL, and to be honest we're left to assume that the feud continues with Manchester hunting David's vampiric spectre. 

So strap yourselves in guys, cos its a long one but its SO GOOD we just couldn't cut it down. Not even the five minutes where Conor & Dannii literally just laugh into their microphones for five (yes, five) whole minutes. This occurs around the 01:24:00 mark if you want to skip - but we don't recommend that. 

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Finally, our first special guest! 

You remember all those really interesting people that we keep threatening to get on the Podcast to tell you all about their experiences from their unique perspective? Well, none of them! Instead, we have Oisin - a straight man (booooo!) who is somehow both a professional wrester and construction manager (the only two career options straight men can have!) He's a huge fan of the show (and a fellow Irishman!). So join us as we gather around, shout over, fight, and casually bully each other. It's just like a good old fashioned Irish funeral. Or wedding. Or a demonic bride at a funeral.  Which is apparently commonplace in Monaghan.

As this is the first time Dannii has been able to speak to more than one Irish person at a time this year, we take the opportunity to discuss Irish folklore.  So we're talking The Banshee, The Demon Bride (or Divorcee) of Monaghan, and The Dearg-Due to name a few. We uncover Ireland’s strange obsession with depicting beautiful women as being pure evil (not a surprise). But in doing so, we find out that Dannii is literally all of the legendary creatures we discuss - including the god damn Alp-Luachra. And like the Alp-Luachra, she’s nothing that a good old case of gout won't clear right up. SO FETCH!

Of course, us being us, we manage to steer extremely off-topic onto depressed vaginas,  dead (and not so-dead) celebrities, tampon-tossers, a detour into so-terrible-they're -great 90's dickflick movies, and potential names for our listeners.

So join us as Dannii takes Conor and Oisin through her C.V, while they teach her what the hell a doppelgänger is, and we all learn that only in Ireland would you pay people to turn up to cry at your funeral, because you just know that Brid Reilly one would be only counting them. 

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If you were in pain, would you pull your own hair out to take your mind of it? Conor thinks "no, that's insane", but apparently its Dannii's go to move when she's having a bad time - but maybe she'd feel differently if she didn't buy her hair on Amazon Prime. 

As we head into the festive season, we discuss the  still unsolved Hinterkaifeck murders, which didn't take place at Christmas time, but there was snow involved so you know, what: you take what you can get. We meet Andreas Gruber (not the Austrian Screenwriter who looks like Lord Farquaad) and his family, and then swiftly un-meet them because they get murdered by his own invention (maybe) pretty much immediately because Dannii's writing ability lacks world-building - including a three year old which actually made this episode extremely difficult to make jokes about, because what a mood killer,  am I right?

Meanwhile, Dannii and Conor decide to publicly address the issues within their co-host dynamic, and Dannii finds out that what she considers an extravagant special occasion is just literally a gay man's Wednesday night (Honestly, straight people are so basic) We also dissect the "Crazy Girlfriend" trope for absolutely no reason whatsoever, and let's face it guys, if you stopped gaslighting your girlfriend maybe she wouldn't be insane?

So join us in this episode where we meet a mastermind cow, nazi-zombies, some more incompetent but well-meaning police (our favourite kind), and poor goddamn Maria Baumgartner - the unluckiest maid in the fucking world.

As it turns out, the only thing worse than a houseguest overstaying their welcome is one who turns up uninvited, never announces their arrival, secretly lives in the walls, murders your entire family, then just stops giving  fuck and full on eats your food. And then while investigating, the police also eat your fucking food. But in fairness if you keep a wheel of Camembert in the fridge, what do you expect?

Trigger warning for incest(?!!) unless that's your thing, in which case, DM Conor for some great newtumbl.com links. 

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We always knew that eventually we'd mess up and have to scramble to put together a last minute episode. We had just hoped it wouldn't be five episodes in. But here we are.

After having to scrap this week's planned episode due to inebriation, and failing to secure yet another guest (this time not Dannii's hot brother) due to a scheduling conflict of the paranormal kind, we present this hastily whipped up episode on demonic possession with mere minutes of preparation, and recorded the night before release because we like to live on the edge. 

We explore the real-life story of one of the few exorcisms that the Catholic Church has ever released the details of. Apparently they're happening all the time and they're just not allowed talk about them, just like some other activities of said church. It's the exorcism of Emma Schmidt (or Anna Auckland, whichever you prefer)! A young woman who loved churning butter, who had supposedly been possessed (possibly BY the butter churn), then cured, then subsequently "repossessed" (not like that), and finally underwent an exorcism that lasted several months with the help of some burly no-nonsense nuns.

In the week that our Spotify Wrappeds have been released, we try to come up with a name for our listeners and fail miserably (TBC), while celebrating Dannii's new job, sexy priests, and butter festivals. We also discuss Conor's childhood sexual attraction to Antoine de Caunes (which has only grown), and his father's theory that gay men don't beat up old people. 

All this while providing glimpses into why this week's planned episode needs to be re-recorded for release at a later date, which is kind of ironic because to be honest this one is a hot mess. But we spent a great deal of this episode laughing, so hope you will too. 

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Have you ever wondered to yourself "If I was a cult leader which one would I be?"
And how about "which celebrity is most like the cult leader that I would be?"
Well now what if I told you that the answer to this (and many more of life's questions) lies in the stars? That's right, its every millennial's favourite instagram trend! Astrology!
Love it, or hate its, it enables us to make fun of entire groups of people via sweeping generalised statements for the only thing that is acceptable anymore in 2020; when they were born (Fuck you, Geminis)

But wait? Isn't this a follow up to last weeks Cults episode? What does astrology have to do with that?
A LOT.

This week we explore tragically comedic/comedically tragic Heaven's Gate - Marshal Applewhite(not Bottom)'s orgy of Christian theology, new age drama and Science Fiction - complete with Luciferians, comet-tail riding alien gods, and an actual SPACE JESUS. It's a real doozy. We also meet Linda, who assume runs the cult's still active website, and oh my god if she is not our favourite person in the world. However, a poorly thought out email to her ended up in our instagram getting disabled briefly. 

In this episode we also play Conor's THE BEST GAME IN THE WORLD(citation needed) to explore not only the birth charts of the big league cult leaders, but also match them up with their celebastrodopplegangers who share their placements so we know which celebrities (varying degrees of fame/hilarity) we should keep an eye on. 

We also learn of Conor's recent foray in accidental witchcraft by summoning the ghost of Stevie Nicks to literally assault a woman, and Dannii visiting old friends in grave yards. She also calls Conor "Phat"... apparently....

This episode has somehow managed to be longer than our "Halloween" special, but we don't care because at this point we've accepted that its pointless for us to even attempt to put a time limit on this thing.