Screw it Why not

I came to New York thinking I just needed to get away for my birthday. Somewhere between all the noise, the strangers, the walking, and being completely by myself, I realized how small my little world had become. Maybe I didn’t come here to escape my life. Maybe I came here to find a part of myself that I had been leaving behind.

I keep thinking I’ll finally feel better once I get to the next place, fix the next problem, or become the person I’m trying to be. Then I realized I’m rushing through everything that’s happening right in front of me. I don’t want to keep doing that. I want to actually be here for the life I’m living now.

I’m 28 today, walking around New York in the rain, and somehow my mind still wants to go back to everything I wish I did differently. But I can’t live forward if I keep staring behind me. Whatever happened, happened. I’m still here, and there’s still something in front of me worth seeing.

Today wasn’t anything crazy. I just drove around, walked around the mall, ate by myself, and did whatever I felt like doing. But for some reason, it felt really good. It made me realize maybe I don’t always need something big to happen for life to feel special. Maybe I just need to slow down a little and actually notice the life I already have

It’s easy to mourn the life that could’ve been when we only imagine the version where everything went right. We rarely imagine where that road could’ve gone wrong. I’m trying to have faith that this life, even with all its mess, might be the one I’m lucky to be living.

Today started with me feeling like everything was falling apart. Then one person walked through the door and suddenly my problems didn’t feel quite as heavy. I still have a lot to fix, but I’m alive, I still have people I can go home to, and I still have another chance to become someone different.

The worst regret isn’t always getting rejected or failing. Sometimes it’s knowing you had the chance to do something, felt yourself wanting to do it, and still walked away because fear made the decision for you. I’m getting tired of letting fear have the final say.

I keep looking at everything I’ve done wrong and wondering how different my life could’ve been. Lately though, I’ve been wondering about something else. What if none of this was wasted? What if even this messy version of my life is part of where I’m supposed to be right now?

I spend too much time living in what could have happened or worrying about what comes next. Meanwhile, this life right in front of me keeps passing by. I’m trying to stop doing that. Just be here for a little while and let this moment be enough.

Progress is strange because most of the time you can’t see it while it’s happening. You just keep showing up, struggling, learning, and becoming a little different along the way. Then one day you look back and realize you’re nowhere near the person who started.