SECOND CLOCK™

What does it take to be a B*tch?

Over the last year and a half I have made a flurry of changes and discoveries, but one question remains unanswered, "What Do You Want?" This seemingly simple question proved to be anything but simple. Sometimes we get lost in everything people say we should want and lose site of what we actually want. So now I explore it all. I give myself permission to change my mind, challenge expectations and have fun along the way.

Sometimes it takes a stranger to show you, YOU. Once I saw myself through these men’s eyes I could not unsee it. Following these experiences, I questioned what kept me playing small for all these years, and what I would need to do to reclaim myself.

After being jolted awake by a toxic person, who had perfectly played the role of my friend, he couldn’t hide his true nature for long. When his façade washed away, it left me confronted with the knowledge that you do not know what a person is capable of, until you know. Through this relationship I could finally see, create boundaries and learn.

When I started dating again my world opened up. I was meeting

When I was married and would go out with my single friends, I saw endless possibilities for them and I saw fun, but when I would look at them, they would be lost in dread and fear. It was amazing how differently we saw things. When it was my turn to date again, I wanted the process to be fun. Here is my account of what reentering the dating world looked like for me.

I spent a lot of time trying to be who other people wanted me to be. Scared to change or let people know that I had changed. I tucked a lot away and labeled some things shameful. I am not alone in this. I found that every time I shared something that I had previously kept in my "shame box" it freed a part of me.

We are all molded by where we came from, and who we were surrounded by. Little by little we take shape. I learned to adapt and play by the rules that others set. Before I started to challenge social norms, I first thrived in them. This is my origin story.

When you take steps to end your marriage, there is a brief sense of freedom, followed by the sad awareness that your children will need to know and eventually your friends, family and your immediate world. My seemingly private relationship with my husband, was becoming public, just as things were being figured out and becoming undone. My reasons, decisions and plans were now subject to other people's dissection. A way for them to make sense of things and where they fit in.

When my son started to ask questions, I had to accept that this was part of the process. It was difficult knowing his life was going to be impacted by my decision. Through coming clean, I found his acceptance and it made me whole.

It was not easy to undo a 20 year relationship, it was not easy to figure out what to say and pick the "right" time to say it, but I found it harder to live in the shadows and lie. Here I come to terms with ending my marriage and taking on the societal label of "separated." I chose this path so I could meet the woman I had become.