Self-Love 365

Just when we think we've addressed all the cultural barriers to a healthy self-love practice, someone accuses us of being "selfish" when we prioritize our own needs. Say no to an expectation you didn't agree to in the first place? You're seen as selfish. Stay home instead of attending an event that you don't have time or energy for? You're seen as selfish. Choose loving yourself over any other activity? You're seen as selfish. This type of this-or-that thinking is typical of a society in which nuance is a rarity. But we know better! Self-Love isn't selfish. Not now, not ever. In fact, if you need a "test" to see whether or not your actions are selfish--ask yourself if they're rooted in love, and if they're going to engender more potential for love. If the answer to these 2 questions is yes, then you're not being selfish. Also, being self-obsessed isn't being selfish either! Just make sure you keep your blinders off so that if someone else needs your time, attention, or love, you can take a break from your lovefest with yourself to attend to them!

In typical fashion of popular culture, we're receiving two very different messages on a frequent basis. One message says that we should be totally independent and do everything ourselves; the other message says that we don't know what we're talking about, we're not the expert, and we need to look to others to tell us what to do--or even to do it for us! Wow--confusing, huh? The truth is that we don't need to be totally independent, nor totally dependent. Our species works best when we're INTER-dependent. One way you can challenge this #loselose culture is to ask for help when you need it, which works better if you first cultivate the types of relationships in which help is both given & received. Also, expressing a need doesn't mean you're expressing the desire for someone to "solve" that crisis. If we practice a more nuanced version relationships, then we can help each other by providing encouragement or talking about our own experiences without solving anything for someone else. Try this on your own by expressing a need to someone close to you AND doing so without expectation of them taking over. The solution is within Y-O-U. But maybe you need help uncovering it.

The fifth type of culture that acts as a barrier to a healthy self-love practice is "Superhero/Shero" culture. When we glorify only strength, ability, endurance, and masculinity, we're neglecting the range of emotions and states of beings a human naturally exists within. Things traditionally seen as weak--like being vulnerable, delicate, or mistaken--are actually completely normal. If we ignore those parts of our selves, or worse--if we disparage those parts of our selves--then how can we love our full selves? Not everyone is meant to rise to the top; in fact, most of us are healthy and sane existing right where we are. Shrug off your cloak of invincibility, and admit that you need rest, you make mistakes, and your abilities are limited. Because we don't need another hero! And we don't need ANY Self-Love Superheroes.

We live in a world dominated by the self-help industry, which is a machine that preys on the doubt of its audience. As an antidote, we can keep our thoughts based in REALITY. Doubt does not come from love, and doubt does not equal reality. Reality is trusting your intuition; knowing what's good for you in that moment; relying on the abilities and knowledge you do have to help you made decisions; and being willing to learn by doing something (aka, not needing to know everything before you begin). Once we do actually become "expert" at doing something, or we acquire a certain amount of knowledge, it's natural & healthy to want to share it--but we can then share it in a loving, helpful manner. We share out of love & a desire for others to experience what we know to be true. What is something you're good at? Who can you share that with today?

In "secret" culture, a hierarchy is set up in which some people know and are allowed to dispense knowledge, and others are there only to learn, listen, and receive. This creates an unsustainable and unhealthy power dynamic, regardless of the situation. Many of us, however, grew up in this type of culture and are so accustomed to it we don't even notice it, nor the damage it does to our relationships, group dynamics, and our capacity for honesty. Fortunately, we are living in a time when truth-telling & fact-finding is at the forefront of everyone's minds. We all desire to tell and be told the truth. In a self-love framework, it's critical that truth-telling of any sort be paired with compassion. Otherwise, we risk veering too far to the opposite side of secrecy into harsh, uncaring, and often brutal honesty. Compassionate truth-telling is the antidote to residing on either side of this spectrum; it is the nuance our society lacks, and it is the primary way we can be honest with ourselves in support of a healthy self-love practice.

Shame is the opposite of LOVE. In a culture that promotes shame in regards to anyone who is embodied (especially children!), it's very difficult to feel okay with loving yourself. Self-love, like any loving relationship, involves the body. It involves touch and physical love. If we're disconnected from our body and even from the idea of showing physical love, then we will be disconnected from our ability to love ourselves. One antidote to shame is witnessing embodiment, which can be a powerful reset of what you *think* is true about the body. Another antidote to shame culture is consent culture. This is something you can practice as a way of reducing the shame and/or judgement that surrounds human touch. Even in non-sexual physical interactions, consent is useful and--it's fun! When both parties are on board with the physical touch, there's no opportunity for shame. Similarly, if you check in with yourself as a form of consent prior to giving physically touching yourself, then you will alleviate the need for shame before, during, or after that physical interaction.

Living in a shallow culture is a major barrier to a healthy Self-Love practice. When we're being influenced by others--whether through advertising, popular TV, social media, or the opinions of friends & family--we're no longer being intentional about our decisions. If we're not being intentional, then we can't know whether our self-love practice is working in our favor. So the antidote to Shallow Culture is really Intentional Living/Loving. A quick way to bring yourself back down to reality, so that you can be intentional, is to get grounded. I recommend a "get grounded trigger" that you put into place and can grab quickly when you're feeling out of sorts, influenced, heady, airy, cynical, or otherwise ungrounded. Getting grounded actions can be anything from digging in the dirt, to walking around barefoot, to moving/rearranging furniture in your house, to phoning a friend, to listening to a certain song that brings you back down to earth. Put the trigger into place NOW so that you don't have to think of a way to combat "shallow" when it arises in the moment. Be intentional now, practice-practice-practice, and the antidote will be your go-to without having to stop and think, "Great! What am I going to do now!?!"

Here's a secret: if you're not the person with the final say over your life, your body, your future, your health & wellbeing...then, you're not the person with the final say over whether you love yourself or not. Autonomy is a non-negotiable in the practice of self-love. If you're looking to someone else to make decisions or to tell you what to do, then you're going to be asking them whether or not it's appropriate for you to love yourself. And guess what? They're going to answer, "Sure, right after you love me first!"  This dynamic will not make for a healthy or even sustainable, let alone enjoyable, self-love practice. Autonomy isn't something we are given; we must claim it. You might need to make a grand gesture, or you might just need to start setting healthy boundaries and remaining firm on them. Tap into the resources you DO have and use them in your quest for true autonomy. Only when we are fully in charge of our self, can we fully love our self.

We've been raised in a culture that teaches us--whether for good or bad--that we "work" 5 days and we take the other 2 days off. Repeat, repeat, repeat. While having a dedicated work ethic will benefit us while focusing on our self-love practice & habits, we do NOT get to take days off. We're loving ourselves 24/7! Not that we're "practicing" habits, rituals, and routines of self-love 24 hours a day, but we are loving ourselves all day, every day. A self-love ethic, then, adopts a 7-day mindset. Put routines into place that support this 7-day mindset, and you'll gain more confidence about your ability to practice self-love every day as you go along. The more you do it, the better your are at doing it. Remember, we're not doing something for the sake of doing it--we're doing something we want to do, that brings us joy, and fulfills our desire for love. Be patient and compassionate. Put routines and rituals into place. Adopt healthy habits and a mindset that reminds you of your right to claim self-love for yourself.

The fifth basic of a healthy self-love practice is space, which encompasses both a physical space where we can be alone to focus on (and figure out how to meet) our needs AND the emotional boundaries we create, communicate, and enforce. In my own life, I find claiming a physical space to be something I'm very adept at, and, once claimed, I hang on to these spaces quite well also! However, setting emotional boundaries is much more difficult for me, especially when it comes to communicating those boundaries. There's no "closed door" with an emotional boundary! As part of my self-love practice and just general growth as a human being, I have decided to let me ability to claim physical space influence and inspire my desire to create and communicate healthy emotional boundaries. What about you? Where do you have a space in your home? Even a corner or a desktop counts--it's not about the size but it IS more than a symbolic thing. We need an actual place where we can focus on and grow our self-love. Where's yours?