Seriouslyourself

Hi there, come on in. This is Seriouslyourself, the Podcast, and I'm Ingrid Helander. Hey there, how are you today? Come on in. Do you ever like to just vent about something? Maybe there's a pet peeve you have or you're feeling frustrated and you just can hear yourself like I just want to vent about this. I want to complain. Or crab or maybe have a little tantrum. I might want to kind of express some exasperation, frustration, disgust, irritation. Yeah, that's venting, right? And I think we all do it, and I have parts that really actually like venting. I think it's kind of fun. And there are times of venting, I think, can actually be super helpful. But you have to have some concept of how to make it be helpful. You can't just start venting and expect it to work well for you, I don't think. But certainly there are times when we vent and it's not helpful and we can talk about that. Like why is it not helpful? That's what we're gonna do today. We're going to look at, you know, what can you learn from venting. And when does it transform into something maybe unhealthy like raging or discharging yucky energy at somebody else. And how can you avoid that stuff? Right?

So let's get started. Take a minute. What do you vent about? Let's think of all the things that we like to vent about...Maybe we like to vent about technology that doesn't work. Well, we've had to be on our technology a lot lately, whether it's our phones or computers or different apps or systems. You know when you try to pay that bill six times and it doesn't go through: do you ever just feel like venting about that? Or you get on a hold line, and you sit there for an hour and a half and then you get disconnected or you get sent to another hold line? Yeah. Yeah. I got parts of me that can vent about that. Maybe I am. How about politics? You like to vent about politics? Yeah. I think that's kind of a fun one. You know, even about things that feel incredibly unjust or wrong...racism. Species-ism, climate change. Just all kinds of pain and stuff that we just sometimes need to get out. Maybe it was that last interaction you had with a friend or a child or your partner and you just want to get it out? Yeah, that's venting.

Sometimes venting is really great. Makes you feel calmer. Makes you feel heard. Helps you to just rest. And other times it causes the person that you're with that's hearing the venting to erupt or start venting themselves and can even create arguments. And there are even other times when you might think you're venting in a way that's going to help you feel better, and all of a sudden you realize, Oh no, I don't feel better at all!  In fact, I'm revved up and feeling worse. Yeah? That's like that rumination, that venting that goes around, around, around and around and around and around. And that's the one where if you're doing it out loud, your family looks at you like: Yeah, we've heard this before about 100 times, and we're tired of it! And then of course if you're the one venting. It's easy to feel embarrassed or ashamed or unheard and certainly not validated.

So what could you learn from your venting? I would say really to take a minute and just look at what you're venting about, because it probably tells you what you care about or what you're not taking care of inside. You may be something you really need. Maybe you need help, right? Maybe you've had to deal with the system of being on the phone or trying to get your needs met alone too long and you really could use a little help. Or maybe you just need to take care of yourself so you don't feel out of control. Maybe you need to make decisions that feel powerful. And they could be small. Like: I'm deciding what to have for dinner tonight. Or I'm deciding when I want to get up tomorrow, or when I need a day off.

You see, sometimes we don't give ourselves those things, and then we start venting about all the ways we feel out of control because of other things around us when the message is really: Hey, you need to take a little personal autonomy and some control where you can.

Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, who is a neurophysiologist, I believe... something like that, and she talked about this experience. She had a stroke, and so part of her brain ceased to work for some time. And because she was an amazing scientist, she could track what was happening for her. But there was a lot of time that she was unable to filter people's energy coming at her. So doctors and nurses would come into a room, and where you and I probably wouldn't pick up any - "negative energy" is the best word, but really attitude or sensation or tiny cues. -We wouldn't maybe pick that up, or if we did, we'd be able to just process it, let it go. You know? Well, because her brain had been harmed by the stroke, she was unable to do that and she knew it. And so she knew right away what they were feeling and it would impact her inside. And if they weren't on her side or were having a bad day and bringing that in her room, it was really detrimental for her. And so she put a sign on her hospital door that said, 'Please take responsibility for the energy you bring into the space." Please take responsibility for the energy you bring into this space.

And so I think that that makes sense for us. If we're going to vent right, we have to take responsibility for our venting. It's okay to do it, but we shouldn't do it just at someone, especially not without their permission. Now, you might have people in your life that you automatically have permission to vent to. I think this happens between my husband and I honestly, I think there's a particular voice that he'll hear me using And it seems like he slides almost automatically after 40 years into a place of ah ha. This is not to be taken personally. This is not to be ignored either. This is just something that I can be with for a moment with Ingrid and she'll get to the bottom of it. So I might start off: I am exhausted. I had to do this. I have to do that. There is that this person didn't answer this thing didn't happen. And this system makes me so mad. And why is it this way? And why is it that way? And he'll be going, Yeah, Yeah, right. I'm sorry. No kidding. Yeah. And then I'll hit a point where I go, I'll just say: Maybe you could make dinner tonight? He'll be like, Yeah, no problem.

Now, it doesn't always go that way. There are days when he's having a hard time and maybe my ranting or my venting doesn't start with talking about other things, but goes directly at him. You you didn't do this or you promised you'd do that. And there's no bucket of support to be had for me. He's on empty. And in that situation, it doesn't go so well. He'll begin venting right back at me or claiming victimhood instead of fighting back. It sounds more like: I know I'm terrible. I'm a terrible wretch. And I do nothing around here.

Do these conversations sound familiar in your life? I bet they do. So, really you want to get permission is what I'm saying. You want, you want - even if it's unspoken, you want to know that the other person is able to witness or to stand present to your venting without getting hooked or hurt by it. Now, all saying you should never vent to children, because that's really hard for them. It isn't their responsibility to witness adult venting. If you need to vent at a child and I believe me, we do. I get it. You know - okay, kids get in here. None of you have picked up your room for three days, and I've just had it. I'm so tired. Mommy's just like - having you home all the time because you need to go to school and so on, right? You know later that's probably going to feel terrible to you. And if you can take a break and go, Hey kids, do you ever get a list of complaints and you don't know what to do with them? So you talk about the venting if you have to. Or you vent to another adult or just to yourself. But venting to children, uh it's kind of hard on them, okay? If it's coming from that part that really wants to let them have it. So, I would say avoid that. Okay? Venting at someone who is really anxious also is really hard for them. It's kind of like when Dr. Taylor was laying in her hospital bed, you know? They can't filter and they can't separate what you're saying about, you know, Vladimir Putin from what you might be saying about them. And it's harmful. It hurts them. So, take a pause and just let yourself know it's okay that you have those venting feelings, but now is not the time. Let it come out somewhere else. You know?

You also want to vent with a purpose. Okay, So what does that mean? Having listened to tons and tons and tons of people vent about things throughout the years, they can vent in a way that is so beautifully productive. You can see just the anger coming out, and they're being seen and heard, and they're seeing and hearing what they're saying, and all of a sudden you find that they are either laughing or crying or just calm or breathing or have shifted in some way. Because the purpose of a vent, if you think about the term, is really to release, right? To make a space, to get something out. It needs to come out. And when it comes out, there's like a bottom to it. Though, what they're venting about can often not be resolved, right? Which is why they're venting about it, because it's beyond their capacity to control it. When it's heard, they can go, All right now, I can start over from fresh. It's like getting to ground level again. It's lovely. That's when venting is really productive.

The other kind that doesn't work so well is the venting that's called - I call it ruminating, or just repeating story. So you go over and over and over and over that thing that bugs you. And you insight yourself into more bug, right? You're more bothered and then you just leave feeling hopeless. Or the person that you're venting to joins in maybe a little too much actually: You're right! Oh, this is so terrible. But you both start rising up in energy until at the end you don't even know what to do with yourselves. Right? Instead of going, yes, this is good because we share it. We see it's real and now we can allow that space to just clear it, clear those difficult feelings. 

So, here's a suggestion for right now, and it comes from this awesome girl. She's a grown woman now, but she was a little girl and she used to come in for therapy. And she was having a really hard time, and oftentimes she would come in and I'm sure she didn't want to be sitting in my office. Probably made her feel worse. Like, why do I have to be here? How about you bring in all the adults in my life that are making me nuts? I wouldn't blame her. And I was sort of encouraging her to talk to me, to get it out. And I think parts of her just didn't even want to own any of that stuff - it really didn't belong to her. A lot of the stuff that she was having to live through - parents fighting. neglect, alcoholism, all kinds of things -it was awful for her and she was just a sparkly brilliant child. So one day she was sort of letting me have it, and she was mad and sullen. And I said, "Here, take a piece of paper and just just draw it out." And I honestly think that her drawing was more an attempt to hook me and to say, "I'm not going to draw you something that's pretty and that tells my story and lets you in." And so she grabbed a black crayon, and she just started scribbling hard. I mean, it started out just like some scribbling circles, but pretty soon she was pressing so hard into the paper that the little bits of crayon shavings were sort of flying about, and the crayon was getting worn away, and the paper was becoming thick with black wax, and it was covered from corner to corner and edge to edge with just black scribble. And she did it and she did it and she did it. And she started crying. And she did it and she did it some more. And I just stood there and watched and we breathed and she calmed. 

You see, that's venting. That's venting. We let it go. We let it out if it can be witnessed by us or by another. It's beautiful, and it comes. I've always been so grateful to that kiddo for sharing her venting. Even if it started out as a, Screw you lady, I'm not drawing you a picture. It was beautiful. 

So I would say in the same way you can vent on paper too. You don't always have to do it that way. But especially if you're home alone and you don't have anyone that you think is available to call, grab your journal piece of paper and a pencil and just let it go, and then read it and let it go some more and just find that space where you go:  I'm letting it out now. It's done now. It's there. Can't solve it. But I'm not carrying it. 

So let me know, what's your favorite way to vent and what do you like to vent about? And when does it become raging? Try it on paper, or try it with agreement with someone who loves you. Happy venting! Get to the bottom! And I'll see you soon. Thanks, bye.
 
Thank you for joining me for this episode of Seriouslyourself. To help treat yourself well each week, go ahead and subscribe to Seriouslyourself wherever you listen to podcasts, and please share this link with anyone you love who might be seeking a little more truth and delight in their lives. If you just can't get enough and you'd like even more goodness, you can become a part of Seriouslyourself, The Membership Community. You'll receive a monthly magazine, personal gatherings and cool little treats delivered right to your mailbox. Find out more about that on my website: https://ingridyhelanderlmft.com/seriouslyourself-the-membership/. And thanks to those who make Seriouslyourself special: our wonderful music is Midsummer from the album Flood by the fabulous Joel Helander. Seriouslyourself is produced by Particulate Media, K.O. Myers, Executive Producer. The ideas and inspirations come from beautiful humans like you, that I feel lucky to know. And I'm Ingrid Helander. Take good care of yourself. See you next time. 

Hi there! Come on in. This is Seriouslyourself, the podcast, and I'm Ingrid Helander.

Hi, how are you? Nice to have you back with me. Thank you so much for joining me today. I'm bringing in a topic that we're looking at in Seriouslyourself, the membership, and it is the topic of trust and trustworthiness. And I was laughing because before I started recording it I was feeling like I'm a little leery of what I might say, which is all to say when you start looking at trust, it's easy to stop trusting. And I really was feeling like: oh, I could bring up something, but I'm not even sure what's going to come out. So I guess I'm gonna just take a step back and let you know that. And trust myself to say what you need to hear. And hopefully that's how it lands for you too.

So trust and trustworthiness...you know, no one can tell you that they can make your life something that you can absolutely trust. I don't really care who they are. Which is not to criticize people that are working with trying to help the world be more trustworthy. And I think those that come from a spiritual background or organized religion even, you know, that's certainly sort of a... I don't know if it's an end goal, but part of the process to learn how to trust, right? Trust your higher power, trust God trust the Universe, trust the nature of life, what have you... trust in love. But the world is not predictable. If anything, it's predictable in its unpredictability. And much of what is predictable about it does not sit well with us. Last month in the group, we were talking about really feeling deeply and being able to feel into things like sorrow. Well, one of the things we discovered is that we often feel betrayed by the very life that we love so much and, you know, the experience of change and irony and ultimately of death. You know, you grow to love this world, this life, your people and this place, and you will die. So, yeah, it's hard to trust that stuff, right? It's hard. It's hard stuff. You want to get a puppy. Boy, you love puppies. But guess what? You can't trust that puppy is going to be a puppy. It becomes a dog. And of course, all babies grow up to be people and adults. And that lovely little uh sapling that you have out front will someday have to be chopped down before it takes over the whole house. Yeah. So, uh, without getting too Alanis Morissette on us here, it could be start singing, you know, Isn't it ironic, right?

But how do we trust then? How can we really trust? And when we can't trust, it's a terrible feeling. I have many people who have walked into my office and sat down on the couch and they are struggling with trust. And it is like seeing them torn apart from themselves, like they are blown into a million little bits that they're trying so hard to pull together and not feel as if they're going to just float away. It's really a terrifying feeling. I remember when um watching the news and seeing how the planes had flown into the twin towers that beautiful September morning, and that terror, that feeling of what do I trust? Where do I go? What do I believe? Who do I listen to? What do I have? You know, it's hard. And of course there's that tiny little movement of trust all the time within us. You know, Poly Vagal Theory talks about how you move in and out of these portions of your nervous system; where you are looking and seeking out:  Can I trust, or am I in danger? It's an innate quality. And we go up and down from a sense of sort of calm detachment if you will to that sympathetic, you know, heart beating, things are not safe, to a state of relative well-being all day long, up and down.

So it's not strange to have moments all the time when you don't know if you trust what's in front of you. And that's very triggered by our bodies. You can take in a smell that indicates this is not to be trusted or an energy around you. If you can't see someone's eyes, they've discovered that you are much more likely to have a feeling of like danger and you're not going to trust very easily. Um, something to keep in mind if you're walking around with dark glasses on. So what it is important to me to kind of share with you today is this feeling of trust and taking care of yourself... because ultimately, because we cannot control everything around us, and the nature of life is quite unpredictable, we need to be able to trust ourselves. It's an inside job. It's not an easy job to do either. And frankly, it's tough to even be ourselves if we're constantly questioning ourselves.

So by starting to look at trust and if we trust, that can raise its own issues, right? Because we start getting critical inside. So I would say the first thing you want to do is just to breathe in some compassion, because you know, it's hard to be in a world where betrayal and surprise and shock happen. It's just hard. And if you assume you're either above it or so far below it that you can't possibly understand it, then you're never going to trust yourself. And then really looking into yourself as a human being, right? A being of biology, a being that needs. You know, you're not an air fern, and you're not a robot.  So you have needs. Now, if I bring anything into my home that is living and I don't feed it or I don't look at what its needs are, give it no water or no love and affection. (I guess I'm thinking more of an animal than a plant, though. People would say it's true of plants also.) That being is not going to trust me, right? And it would take some time. I would say, if I changed my pattern, for it to begin to trust me. You know, if I have a puppy that I neglect, it's not going to turn around and trust me the first time I open a can of Alpo. It's going to take some time.

And yet we behave in the most irresponsible manner biologically toward ourselves. It is crazy. And then we actually expect our nervous systems, our minds, our bodies and our being to trust us and to just go on as if. So for example, we don't give ourselves any sleep. And this is a pretty chronic thing I would say, and no offense to them because I get it. But for college students, like, they'll come into, you know, the office and they're so anxious and feeling like, you know, they just are not functioning well and they can't get things done and they can't think and they're fighting and they're angry and they're upset. And I'm asking, "Well, how, how much sleep are you getting,?"
"Well, maybe four hours of sleep at night?"
Well gee, I mean, what do you want? You can't - you can't help anxiety if your body is so depleted and neglected, you know? Or "what foods are you eating?"
"Well, I I live on pizza and beer. " Well, okay, so that's a that's a sort of an extreme example because you know, in fairness to those college students, probably a lot of us do this, right?

We know we need a little more rest, but we have the extra cup of coffee instead. Or we know we need to meditate, but instead we sit and we play crosswords or Wordle or Words With Friends or whatever is your latest addiction on the phone, or we scroll through Insta, you know? Those things tell our bodies and the parts of us inside that they can't trust us. Why would they? Right? The body could be screaming for fresh air and exercise, and we grab a bag of chips and sit in front of Netflix.

So it's kind of an inside job, right? We have to begin to trust ourselves. And we, in order to do that, [need to be] biologically listening and taking care. And this applies to emotions as well. If you are constantly throwing yourself in harm's way, and you know it's harm's way - say, for example, you have a terrible relationship with a family member and they are cruel to you or they bring up all kinds of protectiveness or pain within you, but you feel very, very obligated or even like you should see them or you're going to be criticized if you don't or what have you, and it never goes well. It's really kind of abusive. I would say we learn not to trust ourselves when we place ourselves intentionally in those situations, in those exact same situations, over and over and over again. And pretty soon it's like our body goes, I don't know what to tell you here. I'm going to stop recognizing all of this, right? We just begin to sort of go through life, um, either in this highly anxious state or in this very numb and shut down state. Because you know, it's like, why, why would the body signal something to you when you're not going to listen anyway?

So you know, I think often it's important to look at the tiny things that you do every day. Did you wake up with a sense of gratitude and sufficiency that you gave yourself the best night's sleep possible, even if it wasn't a great night's sleep? You know, even if your baby woke you up four times or the moon was shining brightly through your window or you had a nightmare or your partner snored or you know, you had a little panic attack - Did you otherwise offer yourself a quiet, warm, comfortable space to lay down? Trust that! Yes, thank you. I did as well as I could do.

You wake up telling yourself all the things that you didn't get done and all the things you don't want to do. Or do you wake up just expressing some happiness and gratitude for food on the table and a cup of coffee in your hand and, uh you know, the air that you're breathing. It seems really a little bit trivial. And I don't mean to be all like gushing positivity, but the messages that you give yourself and the things you notice in the way you handle your emotional life also contribute to a sense of inner trust.

So you can reliably take care of yourself. As you listen to what's going on inside you, you respect it. You consider it. You try new ways. You maybe look for support that you really trust. You breathe into your truth. You get that inner knowing. And you can't do that when you're taking care of nothing or very little, because, like I said, the signals get a little scrambled inside and you learn how not to listen. But as you're taking care of yourself and then you breathe in and you notice, what do I say about this? What do I feel about this? Do I trust myself? You will have a sense of intuition really. I guess is what it is, and a sense of foundation and a sense of reliability. And that reliability can just as easily include the fact that not everything is perfectly reliable in your world. That's okay, right? That perfect standard is not necessary for you to be in a trusting relationship with yourself, with the world, and with others. Yeah. 

So that's what I want to say about trust and trustworthiness today. I am sure we'll come back to this one. People always have a lot of questions about it, and it's really super important, isn't it? Take some time to notice what do you trust, and do you trust yourself to go a little deeper, even a little simpler, you know, with eating, sleeping, breathing. Trust those tiny things and begin to re-establish your own sense of you. I'll see you soon. Bye. 

Thank you for joining me for this episode of Seriouslyourself. To help treat yourself well each week, go ahead and subscribe to Seriouslyourself wherever you listen to podcasts, and please share this link with anyone you love who might be seeking a little more truth and delight in their lives. If you just can't get enough and you'd like even more goodness, you can become a part of Seriouslyourself, The Membership Community. You'll receive a monthly magazine, personal gatherings and cool little treats delivered right to your mailbox. Find out more about that on my website: ingridyhelanderlmft.com. And thanks to those who make Seriouslyourself special: our wonderful music is Midsummer from the album Flood by the fabulous Joel Helander. Seriouslyourself is produced by Particulate Media, K.O. Myers, Executive Producer. The ideas and inspirations come from beautiful humans like you, that I feel lucky to know. And I'm Ingrid Helander. Take good care of yourself. See you next time. 

Hi there! Come on in. This is Seriouslyourself, the podcast, and I'm Ingrid Helander. 
Hey there, come on in. You know, I am continually amazed at how many ways I feel and how many things I do that come almost directly from my experience of being a child. Things that never sort of saw the light of day to be re-translated or re-made into reasonable life as an adult. And these things also include things that are just sort of innate and biological that we bring along with us that impact our lives and we don't even know why.

So today I wanted to talk about one of those things. (Bear with me, I promise I'll get there.) And that is comparing ourselves to others. Comparing ourselves to others. Do you do that? There's so many reasons and ways that we might. I wonder if women maybe do it more than men. I wonder if people of certain cultures do it more than people of other cultures. I really don't know. I wonder what you think. But for me, I was thinking about it. Like some of the ways I compare myself, I feel, like come directly from things I experienced as a really small child.

I'll tell you what I'm thinking. So when I came into this world, I was born into a family where I was 9.5 and almost 13 years younger than my next oldest siblings. So I was a lot smaller. And we have this tape, this little audio tape of me, and in it I'm talking, and I'm about three years old, and I'm being interviewed by this teenager who was a friend of the family's and staying at the house. And she was asking me all these questions, and I'm just sort of describing my life to her. And it's hilarious to listen to. And one of the things I say there is - I'm talking about how people seem to be just sort of flying past me all the time, how they're so busy and they're so kind of important to me. And of course they are important in my life. I'm three years old. I need all those grownups. But I'm also interpreting it like therefore, I'm nothing. In fact, my words are: I just do nothing all day. Well I'm three, you know? So here I am three year old, me comparing myself to 10 year olds and teenagers and grownups, my parents, and sort of taking the down stance like I'm not as good. I do nothing all day.

And oddly, in the same conversation, I go on to tell this young woman how, you know, a lot of my family, they're Ragamuffins. Now, why Ragamuffins was the word was probably just making it up on the spot, something I had heard somewhere. And that meant that they had brown hair. But the good news, according to my three-year-old self, was that my big brother and I we're not Ragamuffins, because we had hair made of blonde. And evidently in my three-year-old mind, that little comparison was important, made me a little more important, and was a good thing. And this was all in the same conversation.

So comparing, I think, probably begins so early. You know? I think it's based on one of our most innate biological needs and drives -which is to be part of the tribe, to be included, right, biologically, as a surviving species. You don't want to be that one that's left out in the cold, abandoned by the tribe, not fed and is eaten by the wolves. You don't want to be that baby. You want to be right in there in the center, beloved, held, fed and given resources. So biologically we pick up the the habit of comparing to make sure we're safe, right? To make sure we fit and we're okay. So there's that sort of natural capacity to do that.

And then like me, you know, depending on where you land as a human, as a little kid, you take on all kinds of meaning about, well, who is important and who is in and who is okay and what makes me lovable and special and what doesn't. Which is all fine. But if we never take a minute and look at the ways that we compare and where they came from and why we could be doing this for the rest of our lives and causing us ourselves a lot of anguish, really for nothing...

So how do you compare yourself, you know? Like when and to whom and when is it a problem? Some of the things that make it a problem are this idea that there is an ideal. There's a right way to be, right? Growing up, for me apparently the ideal, the right way to be in my family, was to be busy, to have some sense of importance, to be moving about, to be big, and to be blonde. I only had one of those things going for me at the time. But we all do this, and we're all told by different sources what is normal, what is perfect, what is right, what is consistent, what is desirable.

And I would say when we compare ourselves to others were just kind of espousing this lie. This lie. Is blond hair better? No. Is it better to be running about and be busy? No, not necessarily at all. Especially if you're a little child. You know, we get on a track of trying to be that which is valuable when we already are that which is valuable. Brene Brown has a quote from her the first book that comparison is the thief of happiness, right? And she goes on to talk about how, you know, anytime she was feeling good about something, then she'd start comparing it to what other people had or did and it would just, you know, take the joy right out of it. And that's true. Yeah? Iyanla Vanzant says that comparison is an act of violence against the self. Yeah, it forces us two espouse a lie, right? It forces us to accept that there is a better way to be exactly who we are by being like either someone else or some ideal that's been set up in our own minds or by society that isn't true. It simply isn't true.

Flowers aren't trying to be like each other. The maple tree is not trying to be like the oak tree, right? An elephant is not trying to be like a snake. It's not a thing, and it really isn't a thing for people either. Despite the fact that social media and television, movies forever, billboards, magazines, businesses, clothing companies, everything has been saying, look this way, talk this way be this way, do this thing, then you'll be fine.

All of this comparing creates in people, in me, a really deep abiding sense of anxiety, because you can never get it right, right? You can never get it right. And you're always going to be searching for an end goal that is not real. The end goal does not exist. I think about that poor woman, I don't know her name, who had every plastic surgery, trying to look like a Barbie, a Barbie Doll" and she really looked quite monstrous and I think was quite miserable. You know this idea that if I am something normal, something "perfect", then I can stop comparing myself. 

So what can you do today to help yourself to take that moment and recognize, oh, oh my goodness! Where did I take on that? Being busy was so important? Or where did I take on that I wasn't or I should be like someone else? Or what is it about - What that person is showing me or doing that creates this feeling of insecurity or lack or less than in me? Is it something I want that is really within my life? Is it some part of me that I actually have that I'm just ignoring? Or is it just a lie? Is it just the next thing to look to, to perfect myself in some way? There's this place you can find inside yourself where you recognize you're just right. You're just right. If you're a parent and you loved becoming a parent, (that's not true for everyone and that is fine.) But if you did and you recall that moment when you first held your child and you just thought this is the most amazing being that ever was. That's the truth, not just for that baby, but for everyone. And and for you, that's the truth, right? Babies are amazing in their - just their being.  Just the fact that we are, right? 

Use your curiosity too. Imagine, where is my comparison coming from? How could I possibly have learned that I was supposed to be that image of someone else that I'm seeing? How could I possibly have learned that what comes out of me is not as good, and how can I help myself to calm down enough to be really loving and compassionate and accepting of my uniqueness, my sense of me. Every day when we do that, we become more comfortable, more alive, more present and more seriously ourselves. I'll see you soon. Don't forget to be who you are. Thanks bye. 

Thank you for joining me for this episode of Seriouslyourself. To help treat yourself well each week, go ahead and subscribe to Seriouslyourself wherever you listen to podcasts, and please share this link with anyone you love who might be seeking a little more truth and delight in their lives. If you just can't get enough and you'd like even more goodness, you can become a part of Seriouslyourself, The Membership Community. You'll receive a monthly magazine, personal gatherings and cool little treats delivered right to your mailbox. Find out more about that on my website: ingridyhelanderlmft.com. And thanks to those who make Seriouslyourself special: our wonderful music is Midsummer from the album Flood by the fabulous Joel Helander. Seriouslyourself is produced by Particulate Media, K.O. Myers, Executive Producer. The ideas and inspirations come from beautiful humans like you, that I feel lucky to know. And I'm Ingrid Helander. Take good care of yourself. See you next time.

Hi there! Come on in. This is Seriouslyourself, the podcast, and I'm Ingrid Helander.
Hey there and welcome back, I'm excited to talk to you today because this is a topic that we were working on in my Seriouslyourself membership, and it's very much a part of being seriously yourself, and yet it's not always clear what we're talking about here, which is kind of funny, because the topic is crystal or being crystal clear. Do you like that idea? The idea of actually being really crystal clear about who you are, what you believe, what you stand for, how people see you? Yeah, I do too. I really do. I like that feeling and I think it's important. You know, one of the things that has been tremendously difficult in the past...I don't know... two years, right? Especially with the pandemic, and especially towards the beginning of the pandemic, the, the non-clarity, right? The confusion and the fogginess and the lack of information. Yeah, we like clarity. We like to have a sense of this is what it is. When I was working on the topic of crystal clear for my Seriouslyourself group, I learned a little physics. And I had not learned it, because frankly and honestly, I was too stubborn to take physics in high school or college, and therefore, I find I'm learning a lot of my physics now. I guess it's never too late. So a little physics here.

A solid is termed a crystal or crystalline if it has long range order, which is a neat word. I love that - long range order. And long range order means that once the positions of an atom and its atom neighbors are known at one point within a crystal solid, then the place of each atom is known precisely throughout the crystal. Right? It repeats, and it is predictable and you know it's there - and it's crystal! And I just love that. I think it's so fun that if you know the lineup of those atoms - and it's not just one atom that makes a crystal, right? It's, I don't know, however many are in the crystal, once you know the pattern, you know the crystal.

So we are obviously very, very complex beings. But it is so important that we look at our lives, you know, what we have been maybe since birth and really own the characteristics, the gifts, the qualities that are crystal for us. And sometimes they're not what we think they are. Right? You may have been raised thinking: Oh you're such a great caretaker, or you're such a good doobie. Good doobies, do things for everyone. But maybe you just had to fall into that role. And so as you're grown now you wouldn't want to look and go yeah I'm going to own that as who I am, as the quality of my crystal nature, right?

Or you might have been raised, you know, to be - well, you have to be very careful all the time. You know? "I know one thing about you, you're so careful!" Well, maybe you don't actually own that. maybe that was placed on you by having to be the structural force in your family or the cautious one when things around you were falling apart, et cetera. You get what I'm saying, Like we might at first blush think this is our crystal nature, this thing I've always been told or this idea that is sort of who I am. But it may not be really who you are. It may not be what feels the best for you, right? I've talked to people who always felt like they had to be the smartest in the room, and I'm not even sure some even recognized that they were kind of coming off that way. And I can relate to that a bit. I've got parts of me that really want to be, you know, intelligent and together and knowing and learned. But you know, that's probably just, you know, something that feels like an insecurity, right? Rather than a true crystal pattern.

So I'm wondering today, like when you think about what's crystal for you (and sometimes it's easier to find out by reading ideas.) For example. I had taken a whole bunch of characteristics and I just typed them up and it was everything from a person's size, you know: big, small, thin, heavy, muscular, weak, tall, round... and it was things like warm and cold and icy, frigid, athletic, you know, sexy, seductive, creative, artistic, you name it. And you know, if you start thinking about every possible way, you could possibly describe anyone, anyone socially or physically, emotionally, talent-wise and you put those all down and then you start looking at them and you go, Would I honestly own this quality? And when I say "own", I don't mean like would I feel great about it, because we learned so much judgment about who we are and what we're supposed to be. So, I would say if you can just put judgment back. Or if you feel yourself judging, you could put, okay I'm a judging individual. Yes, I'm going to own that and then don't make any judgment about it. Yeah, I'm gonna own that, right? Am I a sort of low energy person? Yeah, I'm going to own that. I always have, and I remember that when I was a kid, you might say, right, so take all of that. And Am I beautiful? Am I stunning? Am I thrilling? Am I adventurous? And just let yourself, yea or nay it, right? And if you're having trouble, go ahead and look for ones that you know you would never agree to and notice that feeling in your body. Because that will give you a great sense of well, okay, there's my baseline of "No".

And then see if you can find what you for certain know is true for you. Like maybe you would say I am kind and you know that for certain, and you feel that in your body, you see? So you start developing this little compass about what is crystalline in your makeup. And then I would say own it, cherish it, rejoice in it. Someone had said in my group, "Well, I don't like that I'm a people pleaser." Well, okay, you know there's that judgment in there, and it certainly probably has some merit. But I would say, Are you pleasing? Do you like to be pleasing, to be pleasant? Do you appreciate pleasantness? Do you have a sense of accommodation and fulfillment for others? Can it get out of balance? Of course it could! But is that a bad quality? Probably not. And if it feels kind of innate or natural for you? Well let's own it! Why wouldn't you want to? It is who you are.

So you can start playing with these ideas and really enjoy them. Enjoy being exactly who you are and then see how they line up. You know, it's almost like -- and you see this with really wonderful astrologers, people that do horoscopes, right? And sometimes when you read those, you could read every one and pick out the one that is yours. I swear this is true ,and I'm not even a huge follower. But you could. And I think it's because there are these clusters of characteristics, right? These crystalline patterns that maybe people tend to based on the stars. I don't know, but it's fun to look at them, because you can really get a sense of your place with yourself, your lineup of what is your truth. And then if you can look at them in ways that you can say, you know, I absolutely own this, and I will use it in a balanced way to my best - and probably for the betterment of others as well - in a way that doesn't feel like I've got some kind of a doom or a burden about me. Okay.

And you might come up with some qualities that are maybe not quite looked at deeply enough. So for example, if you came up with the quality, like, well, I just know that I'm misunderstood, (I think that was one that came up in our group.) Well, what's under that? What's under that? Well, I think in unique ways or I have um dyslexia or I have a unique style. Those are the crystal parts of it. You see, the ones that are under. I have a way of calculating with numbers in my head versus anything else. Okay, those are what I would call the crystal patterns, the ones that you can really certainly know.

So I would say to try this, you know, try it on your own, see how it feels. Write down as many descriptive terms as you can think of, and then rule them in and rule them out and then come up with a few that feel like: I own this and use your name. You know, I Ingrid Helander, am creative. I, Ingrid Helander, love beauty. See, I can say those things and my body does not back up at all. It goes full forward. Yeah, that's what you like. I, Ingrid Helander, enjoy thinking about people. Oh yeah, I always have. 

So once you've done that, remember that? That gives you a basis, a very nice solid foundation upon which to celebrate the organic nature of your life, which is that more fluid part? You know, there are actually crystals that have a component that is solid and liquid. So taking that metaphor, remember that as you have this crystalline structure about you, you're still organic growing, moving and being. And while you're,Yes, definitely going to be yourself. You get to play with all of that in new adventurous, exciting, artistic, creative and growth-oriented ways. But if you fight against them forever, you see, you're going to get stuck and feel sad and unhappy, and that's when all that judgment walks in the door. 

So are you feeling crystal clear about you today? Do you know what you want to say out loud along with your name? Do you know how you want to feel about it? Take a minute and investigate a little bit. Write it down. Play with it. Share it with people you love and ask them for theirs .Then each day you've got something to really grow into and grow with: your crystal. Are you feeling that? Am I understood? Mm hmm... crystal. See you soon. Bye. 

Thank you for joining me for this episode of Seriouslyourself. To help treat yourself well each week, go ahead and subscribe to Seriouslyourself wherever you listen to podcasts, and please share this link with anyone you love who might be seeking a little more truth and delight in their lives. 

If you just can't get enough and you'd like even more goodness, you can become a part of Seriouslyourself, The Membership Community. You'll receive a monthly magazine, personal gatherings and cool little treats delivered right to your mailbox. Find out more about that on my website: ingridyhelanderlmft.com. And thanks to those who make Seriouslyourself special: our wonderful music is Midsummer from the album Flood by the fabulous Joel Helander. Seriouslyourself is produced by Particulate Media, K.O. Myers, Executive Producer. The ideas and inspirations come from beautiful humans like you, that I feel lucky to know. And I'm Ingrid Helander. Take good care of yourself. See you next time. 

Hi there! Come on in. This is Seriouslyourself, the podcast, and I'm Ingrid Helander.
Oh my goodness, today I have a kind of a fun topic, I think. And it grew out of this realization that came to me very profoundly during, I think, the last year too, which is: I am not that unique. I want you to hear that. It's so often that we think we are so unique and we are so alone. What we feel is not the same strength or importance or tragedy that other people experience. Or maybe that the way we think and feel is just so nuanced that no one could understand. And somewhere along the line especially I think the last two years of lots of time to reflect, I realized if I'm feeling some kind of way other people are feeling some kind of way to if I'm noticing something that's interesting. I am not that unique, right? It's a thing probably now not to say that I'm not uniquely myself or showing up in my own body. But frankly, the things that happened to me have happened to other people and are happening to other people. And I say that not to be dismissive in any way, but to reassure you that even when things might seem small to you, your feelings might seem bothersome, but in the scope of life, not that big of a deal. Yeah. And yet, it's okay to acknowledge them, because others are probably feeling them also.

So today I'm gonna talk about one of those instances that I find kind of fun and curious and come join me, because I think you'll find it interesting too. So the other day I woke up, and I was kind of doing the things I tend to do in the morning. So I love to grab my phone. Yes, I confess it is my phone, and I'll look through my email, and I'll look through to make sure nothing has changed drastically in the world overnight. And lately I'll maybe grab a little game of Wordle - have you heard of Wordle? Yeah, everybody's talking about Wordle. And if you haven't heard of that, then there's a unique thing, but you probably have, because it's not that unique. And I was playing the game, and I realized there was a certain amount of um intensity and very close to anxiety going on in my body and my mind. And I recalled being a little kid, and I used to love to watch the sitcoms of my youth which were things like The Lucy Show with Lucie Arnez - Lucy and Desi Arnez, and um she was always in trouble. You know, I think most of the, the plot lines of those 60s and early 70s sitcoms and shows like that were just - there's a terrible predicament and it's hilarious, but how is this person going to get out of it? And I remember as a child getting so engaged and just feeling sort of overwrought with, oh no, oh no, how is Lucy going to get out of this now? She is in dire straits, you know...what is Gilligan going to do on the island and um, what even is batman going to do? He's stuck in the Penguin's lair again, and this is going to go horribly wrong. And if they could only see what I see. I've got it all figured out.

And one day I recall sitting on my shag carpet and recognizing, Wait a minute. It's not gonna matter if I figure this out or if I feel all of this flooding in myself. I, if I feel all this pain really or not. And I sort of learned a little moment of detachment, like,
Do your thing Lucy, I bet you'll be fine. I've seen this one before.

So in that same regard, I think I have parts of me that move into even fun things or routine things with an attitude of, I have to solve it and I have to figure it out. And if I don't, it could be a problem. So back to Wordle. While I was playing Wordle, which is fairly new to me, and it's a lot of fun if you don't know it, it's a game where you start by guessing a word, and then you see what letters are in the word and you rearrange them and guess more until you get the word and you get five guesses max, I think it's five, maybe six. And it had become a problem! The first few times I played it, it was like whatever. If I actually get the word, I'm going to be thrilled and amazed. And of course then I got it in less than the total amount required and then I got it and even less and even less and I was like, Wow, I at least have to make it in three guesses. And therein lies the problem. Because if I didn't, who cares? I'm not up for any particular Wordle championships or awards. And so I didn't have to do that. But my body was registering as if this was a problem and I could feel the scowl lines increasing in my forehead. And I took a deep breath and I thought, are you having fun? And the answer was not, not exactly. And I let go of some of the parts of me that we're not having fun. I allowed them to just not worry about it so much. This is not serious. And I think those parts that we're sort of trained and raised on sitcoms to that sensation in my body. It doesn't matter if it's serious, right? I mean, certainly Lucy in the chocolate factory or you know, Lucy getting caught by Ricky in the, you know, performing in the musical was not serious. But I think that I learned it didn't matter. You had to solve it anyway.

Later that morning I was going to get some laundry done, no big deal. But also something that when you're an entrepreneur and you're working from home  - and I know a lot of you have become people that work from home even if you are not considered home working entrepreneurs in the last two years. So, so much of my time is self-organized. I don't ever really have anybody demanding that I do anything that I haven't set up for myself. And that can be beautiful and freeing, and I'm really grateful for it. And it can also be tricky because it is on me, therefore it becomes in some parts of my psyche a problem to solve.

So anyway, I thought I should get some laundry done today before I move on to my meetings. And I'm standing, and I'm dividing the laundry by relatively light clothing and relatively dark clothing. And honestly, that's another question I have, like, does it really even matter? I, I don't know, but I still do it. And so I was doing that, and as I looked at my piles of laundry, I was getting that same kind of bunched up feeling that I had when I was playing Wordle, like I was thinking too hard. I could feel again the scowl between my eyebrows, and I could feel my body getting sort of intense. And it was like, Oh, I'm going to have one of those days. I'm gonna have quite a day today if I feel like this. And then I stopped and I just started laughing. It just cracked me up. It was like, Ingrid, the laundry does not know or care who goes first, this is not a problem, this is not an issue. And I even thought about it. I was like, well maybe it is. Let me see. Does it matter if I do the relatively darker clothes because the pants take longer to dry and maybe I want to hang them up and - no, not really, not really. It's all kind of a constructed in my own mind that there's something right about doing it in some particular way.

And I got to thinking about how when you have a little bit of anxiety, and you try to help yourself by problem solving and by organizing and by structuring and by creating stability and meaning and rules - and how for a while that can help, right? I mean, the first times that you do anything like that, it's like, oh wow, yeah, I'm going to get Wordle in three words or I'm going to divide my wash and so I know how to do it somehow or I'm going to get it done before my meeting and then just like the little kid in me sitting on the floor realizing I'm anxious for nothing, it can sort of take off and become its own problem. These things that originally gave comfort and stability and safety and cohesion and satisfaction. If they're met with anxiety in the sense that everything is a problem and there is a perfect way to do things, then they get sort of um almost taken over by nervousness in the system for me. 

And as I said, I can't imagine I'm all that unique. In fact, I know that I'm not. 

So if you share some of these kinds of feelings and thinkings and tendencies, I would just encourage you to take that moment to notice your body and take that extra breath that we all need every now and then. So we can disengage from something that isn't real, right? Disengage from something that isn't necessary. That doesn't have any basis in truth. So the truth is, if I solve Wordle in one word versus six doesn't make me any better or worse. I get lucky that day. Maybe I should also play the lottery. And the lights and darks did not care who was washed first, nor did I. And I couldn't tell you which I did first now. So don't worry about being so perfect. Don't worry that you're not like others. You are. And take really good care of you. Take really good care of you. You're doing a great job. I know you are. Everyone is just doing their best. Thanks for being here with me. Talk to you soon. Bye. 

Thank you for joining me for this episode of Seriouslyourself. To help treat yourself well each week, go ahead and subscribe to Seriouslyourself wherever you listen to podcasts, and please share this link with anyone you love who might be seeking a little more truth and delight in their lives. If you just can't get enough and you'd like even more goodness, you can become a part of Seriouslyourself, The Membership Community. You'll receive a monthly magazine, personal gatherings and cool little treats delivered right to your mailbox. Find out more about that on my website: ingridyhelanderlmft.com. And thanks to those who make Seriouslyourself special: our wonderful music is Midsummer from the album Flood by the fabulous Joel Helander. Seriouslyourself is produced by Particulate Media, K.O. Myers, Executive Producer. The ideas and inspirations come from beautiful humans like you, that I feel lucky to know. And I'm Ingrid Helander. Take good care of yourself. See you next time. 

Hi there, come on in, this is Seriouslyourself, the podcast and I'm Ingrid Helander.
 So the other day I got a request to talk about boundaries, boundaries. Oh boy. And that's what I thought: Boundaries. Oh boy! Because you hear so much about boundaries these days. For me, it can almost become a little wearing. That's not to uh in any way minimize the importance of boundaries or to upset anyone that does a lot of work around boundaries. Because indeed, they are important, essential and difficult. So with all due respect, honestly, to those who are working hard in the field of boundaries, personal boundaries, I'm going to talk about this from a curious standpoint, just to see what it's like for you.

I think the more we can play with topics that are difficult and complicated, like boundaries, and the more we can become our own experts, our own curious contributors to what we think about certain topics, It's really hopeful. So that's what the purpose of our episode today is. And if you've ever wondered about boundaries or caught yourself saying, "Wow, that person has terrible boundaries," or "I really need a boundary around this," or "If I'm going to go into this situation, I really need some good boundaries." Huh? If you've caught yourself doing that? Then this episode is definitely for you! And frankly, if you've never caught yourself doing that, then maybe this episode is for you too.

So boundaries, what are they? One of my favorite description of boundaries in common day vernacular is one by Prentis Hemphill, who is quite the genius from my experience. Prentice says boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously. Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously. Prentis goes on to say: Boundaries give us the space to do the work of loving ourselves. They might be actually the first and fundamental expression of self love. They also give us the space to love and witness others as they are, even those that have hurt us.

So that is, to me, so perfectly descriptive of what a healthy boundary needs to do. And it also gives some concept of how to understand when a boundary needs to be repaired or placed or corrected in some way. This sense of like when we can notice that we are continuously feeling hurt by someone, right? To the point where we have zero respect for that person. That would indicate a time for a boundary. Yeah? Because we're no longer able to be in a loving position with that person. And in fact, when we feel resentful like that, it tends to eat us up and we are, you know, first and foremost from ourselves at that moment, not in a loving relationship, right? Because we are resentful, and we are stewing and angry, and that tends to eat us up. And, we're not in a loving relationship with the other, because they -- we are too close or in too much proximity without a boundary there, so that they can continually create a system in which we feel hurt, harmed or disrespected.

You know, the term boundaries was not even really picked up much at all in this way until the 80's or 90's. When I was growing up as a kid, you didn't hear about boundaries. I I think you heard about the term respect a lot. And you also heard little little quips like: Big fences make good neighbors, which one would say was probably an indicator of a good boundary. Yeah? Or maybe too rigid of a boundary. So when people come to me now and they're saying, "You know, I really feel like I need a boundary," I'll tell you the first thing that comes up for me is a curiosity about what is going on here. Because you can't walk into creating a boundary from an unhealthy space, and you can't assume for another person what a healthy boundary would be.

I'll give you an example. I've been watching the television show, MAID. I can't tell you what network it's on, but it's got Andie Macdowell and her um daughter. And her daughter is the main character, and she plays the maid there. And as I was watching the show, I would so often be like, "Oh my gosh, make a boundary! Just don't let that person do that to you again, Oh please!" And if you watch the show, you'll know what I mean. And then I would realize that she did not have the context in which to make that boundary that I as the viewer would have. So there were parts of her inside that would not allow a strong boundary at that time with, say, her mother or her husband. And so she would fall into these really painful, difficult situations over and over and over.

So when you're talking to someone about a boundary, one needs to kind of step back and examine their own boundaries. Like why would that boundary be so easy for me? You know? And and you might even say, "Well, it's because I'm cold. I've heard this so often  -- excuse my language, but right... I'm a cold, uncaring bitch. That's why I can make the boundaries so easily. Or people would say: You can make that boundary because you're a Scorpio, and Scorpios just bite and and keep people back. I don't know. I don't know if there's any reality in any of that. I think it's fascinating.

So boundaries are really highly personal. Yeah. But if they're coming from a place that is sort of in your sympathetic nervous system, right? That's all fired up. They're not going to wind up being a healthy boundary. And we see this all over the place. We see this from um, personal issues between family members to governments and countries and politics, boundaries being made from a fired-up system which is often not informed by what is currently happening. The danger may have been in the past or may not even be danger, right? But I got to make that boundary! I need that big fence to stay protected.

So in thinking about this, I remembered when I was a kid - and this story comes back to me, and it's so weird to me that it does, because I was probably in fourth grade, maybe fifth, and I was on the playground. So you know, I was little, and I was talking with my friend Susie, and I was mad for her that someone had been rude or mean to her, one of our mutual friends. So I remember saying to her, "Well, Susie, just tell them to go away. Just forget it. I wouldn't play with them." And this little sage Susie looks at me and she says, "Well yeah, you can afford to do that."

I never forgot that. I mean, first of all I had no retort, which is probably why I never forgot it, because if you know me at all, you can imagine I often did have a retort, some kind of answer. I was just sort of speechless. And she really spoke just her truth to me. And what she exactly meant. I think only she would know. But it felt very clear to me at that time that what she meant was: I have a need for that friend that I'm not willing to risk. She was not willing able to make the risk of losing that friendship by making a stronger boundary. Now, of course, the boundary that my little kid self had suggested was pretty uh big. It wasn't like: Tell her that you're not going to play with her as often, or I would, you know, mention your feelings to her, something like that. It was:  I wouldn't have anything to do with her, which is probably how I would have handled it as a little kid. 

But my grown up self, honestly, I look back and I so appreciate Susie. I so appreciate her, her knowing of herself and her honesty. Talk about speaking for oneself! She didn't have to say to me:  Well, you're kind of harsh and you're being a jerk. All she had to say to me was: That's not something that I could afford to do, just because you can, or you think you can. 

So when you're making a boundary, if you feel you need a strong boundary, here are some things you could look at, you could ask yourself: Is there fear involved here, am I afraid? And try to think about times when maybe you've made a boundary from a space in you that is fearful. And often that is informed by the experiences we had as dhildren. And often those solutions, ie. the boundaries look like a little kid would make them. You know, you huff off or you scold loudly or you, you know, sulk, or a very young feeling such as that. And that's a great trail head to go and go, Okay, whoa. What is this fearful part needing from me? before you make the boundary. Or even after, you can always repair it. 

Another thing you could ask yourself is, as a little kid, were you allowed to say no, and were you allowed to say yes and have your opinion honored? And if you were, then it's probably a little more easy for you to create a boundary. Right? A boundary requires No's and Yes's.  Yes to this. No to that. If that was never honored in your family of origin, in your upbringing, it's going to be harder. So give yourself that patience and that moment to go, I see! And update young parts of you, reminding yourself as you breathe in and you feel into your body, here's my age, here's my stage of life, and and welcoming young sensations to be with that ... and knowing you can make choices. That's what finally sort of happened in MAID, if you will. 

And then you can look at, well, do you find it easier to make a personal boundary between you and others, right, a relational boundary, or just between you and yourself? We have boundaries with ourselves, right? Sort of like disciplines, you know, like:  I will allow myself this; I will not allow myself that. And for some of us, those are even harder. They require a certain self love, a certain self respect to be able to get to those kinds of boundaries.

Have you ever made a boundary purely from anger? You know, you're just ripped and you're like, "I will never, ever look at you again!" What is that like later? 

And have you experienced what it's like when boundaries move, shift or evolve? Because they do, they do, they almost have to, especially in families, because people grow and change and develop. And if you have experienced those kinds of boundaries, how do you feel about that? What was it like for you when your kids, say, went from being little kids to being adults or teens? What was it like when you left your, your home and family and became independent, if you did. So these are all really interesting things about boundaries. 

But a boundary is not simply, you know, drawing a line in the sand, then you know, staking your claim there. Boundaries are complex. They are permeable and impermeable. They are open and closed, They change, they evolved and they shift and they're a new concept, really, in terms of our speech these days. 

So if you're hearing it, you know, stop and think: Okay, there's some popularity to this, and there's probably lots of great reasons for that as well. 

If you feel yourself making a boundary and you want to punish someone or you're angry with them, take a step back. 

If you feel you need to make a boundary and you notice that it's feeling tighter and tighter. Check for fear. There's probably fear in there, okay? 

Brene Brown, her quote about boundaries is: Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves. Even when we risk disappointing others. Right? Even when we risk disappointing others, because disappointing someone, pleasing them and loving them are not always the same thing. So there's a lot more we can talk about here, but I hope that's helpful for you. 

And the next time you hear yourself saying you need a boundary, take a look inside, right? And know that you want to get to clarity. You want to not have a strong agenda, and expect yourself to be equally loving to you and to those that you love. I hope that's helpful! Talk to you soon. Bye. 

Thank you for joining me for this episode of Seriouslyourself. To help treat yourself well each week, go ahead and subscribe to Seriouslyourself wherever you listen to podcasts, and please share this link with anyone you love who might be seeking a little more truth and delight in their lives. If you just can't get enough and you'd like even more goodness, you can become a part of Seriouslyourself, The Membership Community. You'll receive a monthly magazine, personal gatherings and cool little treats delivered right to your mailbox. Find out more about that on my website: ingridyhelanderlmft.com. And thanks to those who make Seriouslyourself special: our wonderful music is Midsummer from the album Flood by the fabulous Joel Helander. Seriouslyourself is produced by Particulate Media, K.O. Myers, Executive Producer. The ideas and inspirations come from beautiful humans like you, that I feel lucky to know. And I'm Ingrid Helander. Take good care of yourself. See you next time. 

Transcript: You're Not In Trouble
Hi there, come on in, this is Seriouslyourself, the podcast and I'm Ingrid Helander. Hey, hello! Hello and welcome back to Seriouslyourself. I am so happy, so, so happy that you have decided to join me again today. Today I had this idea and it was based on something that happened really recently. So let me kind of weave you in. What I was thinking about was how certain types of our anxieties, maybe ones that have been around since we were little little kids can create situations in which we cause ourselves ultimately more trouble and maybe even other people more trouble than it is our intention and in fact is the opposite of our intention. This comes from this part of me that really, really does not like to get in trouble. And then generally tends to assume when there is trouble that I am somehow responsible. So it's like this aversion to getting into trouble which of course boundaries on that little perfectionistic tendency, which again goes back to this basis I believe of worry and anxiety in the system. How does this cause problems? Well, you know, I picture from the time I was a little kid going to school, that was a real eye opener for me, Let me tell you because at any given moment a child could get in trouble. And certainly when I was attending elementary school it may have been a louder, more aggressive form of trouble or punishment than the kids experience. Now I'm hoping that's true, but at any rate it was very frightening for me to hear other kids getting in trouble At home. I was basically raised as an only child. My siblings were 10 and 13 years older than I was. And so hearing other kids get in trouble was not something I experienced every day and I would come home from school and I would be very upset and saying to my mom, oh so and so got in trouble and I don't really want to go back tomorrow. And she'd say, did you do something wrong? And I'd be like, no, I don't think so. And she'd say, well then I don't want you to worry about it, you're okay. But you see just that idea that suddenly you could get in trouble and I didn't feel like I could control that when it would come at me probably created more trouble certainly did for me than had I just not worried about it. Right. Can you see that? Like I was probably acting funky in the classroom when I would get nervous. I maybe would avoid doing certain things stepping up in certain ways. Um, and I definitely did not like going to school because that potential to get in trouble was always there for me. So how does it manifest today? Because it's a long time since elementary school, let me give you one example that just happened to me, we are renting an apartment, a lovely townhouse. It has a separate room that we do not access where the furnace is kept. And I had noticed that there was a little water in the garage which borders on the wall where the furnaces. Now my trouble part my part that assumes I'm in trouble, I'm going to get in trouble. Also assumed in that moment that somehow the water that I was witnessing on the floor was coming from my car which was pulled in and out of the driveway. Um, both when there was a little snow or rain or when maybe you know how the air conditioning from the bottom of your car condenses and leaves a little puddle. So I go into that immediate thought of this is me. Somehow I am doing something bad or wrong and part of me just sort of keeps it quiet or just keeps going like, well, I guess I'm doing something wrong. My car is making the floor wet in the garage. Now, unfortunately we have a number of boxes and so on in our garage and I don't really want the floor to get wet. But if it's my fault then it's my fault. Right? So recently we discovered that the furnace in this un accessible room adjacent to the garage was actually leaking in quite a bit. And now, as I'm looking, I'm realizing, you know what the furnace leaking has leaked under the wall and into the garage and onto our stuff and is creating some issues there. Now that is also not my fault. But now I feel bad because I didn't mention it to the landlord sooner. So you can see where this little pullback of I'm wrong. I'm bad. I have to be careful. I'm anxious can create situations in which there are problems. Another example might be not calling people back if they haven't reached out to me in a while, right. The assumption there is I did or said something wrong or the person doesn't want to talk to me and so I might not reach out to them and then they feel bad thinking well she doesn't want to talk to me. Which is not the case. The caution is too much right. The taking on the blame is immediately too much. It is that slamming on the brakes when you see a police officer and you're already going under the speed limit could actually create an accident. So I just wanted to throw that out there as sort of a quick comment today that if there are ways that you have young parts that are so averse to getting into trouble that you immediately assume or take on responsibility for things that don't belong to you or you hide out in an effort to avoid being caught for something that you didn't do or because you feel shamed for having created a problem that you probably didn't cause you are holding back is probably creating more trouble than it's worth, not only for you but for others around you going back to the garage. Had I noticed that sooner it would have actually been helpful to our landlord had I spoken up about it more quickly. Um, he could have done something about it to have helped. Not only me, the garage, the stuff in the garage, but the building and his investment there in the building. So if you're feeling anxious, check in, is this a young part of you and if it feels wrote like I've been here, I've done this forever, hug those young parts and let them know, Yeah, you don't like to get in trouble. Yeah. You like to do well and you can do things well and I give you the permission to do things imperfectly. It is all right to step forward a little bit more. Take care. I hope that's helpful. I appreciate you being here. Thank you for joining me for this episode of Seriouslyourself. To help treat yourself well each week, go ahead and subscribe to Seriouslyourself wherever you listen to podcasts, and please share this link with anyone you love who might be seeking a little more truth and delight in their lives. If you just can't get enough and you'd like even more goodness, you can become a part of Seriouslyourself, The Membership Community. You'll receive a monthly magazine, personal gatherings and cool little treats delivered right to your mailbox. Find out more about that on my website: ingridyhelanderlmft.com. And thanks to those who make Seriouslyourself special: our wonderful music is Midsummer from the album Flood by the fabulous Joel Helander. Seriouslyourself is produced by Particulate Media, K.O. Myers, Executive Producer. The ideas and inspirations come from beautiful humans like you, that I feel lucky to know. And I'm Ingrid Helander. Take good care of yourself. See you next time. 

Transcript: What to Do After Biting Your Tongue

Hi there, come on in. This is Seriouslyourself, The Podcast, and I'm Ingrid Helander. Hello, come on in. Thanks for joining me today. So today on Seriouslyourself, I wanted to talk about biting your tongue. Have you ever used that expression: "I really should just bite my tongue here, because I was gonna say something that might get me in trouble later."?

I was talking to a wonderful guy the other day and he said, "Yeah, I just knew I should just bite my tongue. My wife was saying something that was kind of upsetting for me. So I I did, I just bit my tongue."

And I got to thinking about that. And I think it's probably a good thing in many cases, right? There are things we shouldn't say even if we're trying to show up more and be authentic and be real. But some things need a moment, we need some time to think about them.

I have a little vision of myself kind of with my tongue between my teeth like, "No, I'm not gonna say anything right now," but I think we could take it another step. You know, when we bite our tongue, we're sort of shutting off a part of us that maybe we know can get us in trouble, right? And I don't know, I'm gonna throw out the possibility that a lot of guys think they have to bite their tongue pretty often. Maybe they've been taught they're supposed to be the "good boy". Of course, women are always taught we're supposed to be "good girls", and that if you speak, you're gonna say it wrong, you're going to step in and hurt someone's feelings or get them angered at you. And so you bite your tongue. And what is the song? You know, if you bite your tongue, all you get is a mouth full of blood? Yeah, we don't want to do that, do we? We don't want to do that very often anyway.

So here's an idea the next time you feel like you're gonna need to bite your tongue.

So maybe you do. Maybe you keep what you wanted to say inside. I bet it would be helpful if you take a minute later and go home or grab your phone on your little notes section and write down what you really did want to say. Write it down. In this case it might be something like: Oh, I just really disagree with you when you're saying what you're saying. Or: I am so angry with you right now; I can't imagine what would come out of my mouth if I started talking to you! And let that part out on paper or in your phone -- not your...not your mail. Don't mail this to anyone or text it! This is just for you. Let that part on paper talk about it. "Here's what I was really thinking." "Here's what I want to say about it." "Here's where I want to argue back with you." Okay? Get it all out.

I think sometimes we hold this stuff, and we gather shame because we have these little hidden parts of us inside that never even see the light of day in our own psyche, (right?) our own mind. We want to shed a little light on this for ourselves. This part is speaking for a reason. And then you want to be able to go back to what you've written, take a deep breath, maybe a minute or a day even and look at it with loving eyes, with compassion, that this part of you had something to say. Now, stay out of the story of it. Don't join it and keep going, because, well, it's already a strong thing - enough to make you want to bite your tongue.

But if you can look at it and go: All right, is there merit? Is there merit in what this part was wanting to say? And you're probably gonna find some, because usually these strong parts we kind of agree with, right? We like them. Let it know: I like you. I agree with you. I think it's great that there's more to me. And you know there's more to you...

How do you know? Because you bit your tongue. That part had no ability to bite its own tongue. You were -- some part of you did that. So go ahead and celebrate that. Alright? I had another part of me that said, "Yeah, no, no, no! This could get me in trouble right now!" So you find the merits first and then ask the part that is so right and so certain to just step back, just for a minute. It doesn't have to step back in the outside world. It has to step back, just calmly knowing: Yeah, I agree with my own merits here. So that part could calm down a minute, long enough to go - "okay other places I know I needed to maintain myself," -- is their compassion for what the other person was saying or feeling? It's not exactly like looking for what was wrong with what you're saying, but maybe it's not the whole story, right? And then you can go ahead and write that down - like some part knew to stop you. Was it just because you were afraid you would get in trouble?

Can you take that a step further and know, "No, I actually also have compassion for what the other person was saying ... or who they are or what they were being... and I don't want to blow it."

"I don't want to ruin that that relationship."

"I care about them." So that's another good thing you can do.

You could also then take a minute; look at your first statements, all those arguments, all those things you said, and notice what is the core need of that part that you had to bite back. Does it have any needs? Sometimes those parts need to be seen. Sometimes they need to be held, given some loving care. Sometimes they need to hear that they have some good ideas. Sometimes they're hurt or carrying shame.

Does this make sense to you? So say, for example, a part that got bit back had an argument about, you know, "You're just making a bad decision here." (You want to say to the other person), "I disagree with your decision and it makes me angry that you would take that point of view."

And then when you go back, and you look at those words, and you realize that the sensation in your body is: Whew, I'm feeling hurt, right? I'm feeling left out, alone, maybe accused by this person that I care enough about to bite my tongue. So what's under that? Right? What's under that? Like if I'm feeling those strong feelings, what do I need from that person? Maybe I need to know that they actually love me. Maybe I need to know that though I might feel differently. They respect me too. Maybe I need to know that I have a voice with them, and if I can look and decide, okay what is it in my retort that I bit back that I actually do need to speak for in a way that the other person could hear. So maybe I can speak for it in a way that's just clear or calm. That's not shaming or blaming of the person that I was talking to.

Because though it sounds super clear. It's only clear for that one little part of us. And that one little part of us is trying to do something  - and that is probably defend or protect us. Well, why would it? Why would it need to defend or protect you? Here's a good question, yeah? It would need to defend and protect you because there's something under it ,inside you that a part of you is afraid will get hurt.

And so if you can look under... Oh! that part of me needs to know that the person I was talking to doesn't think I'm stupid or foolish. That part of me needs to know that other people that have said similar things to me, um, that hurt  - that I can help the part without saying a thing to the other person. So you see what I'm saying?

Really, when we bite our tongue, that's Step 1 - maybe a very good decision in the moment, depending, right? Might preserve a relationship. Might keep you from further shame. Might help you to just bide time, just give you time to process what's happening inside you, right? But that's only the first step.

The rest of the steps belong to you. And honestly, they can be so much fun. You can even play with them! If you can find a sense of humor about what this part really wanted to say, and then step back from it, enjoy the humor, and then go: Okay, wait a minute! Whoa, alright.. I wanted to say, "Well, you're just a big dumb idiot, and that's the stupidest idea I've ever heard!" And people do this, by the way, on social media all the time when they don't bite their tongue - and it can be hilarious! But, it doesn't go very far with your spouse, your children, your parents, your loved ones, your friends. Right? Your boss -  (it) doesn't work so well. 

There's about a million ways to go after you start looking inside.  You have many, many choices rather than just biting your tongue and walking away or hollering and yelling and getting in trouble. 

Where have you caught yourself biting your tongue lately? Think about who most creates that sensation in you. Imagine them in front of you and then do some of this writing work, feeling work, using your great curiosity in doing so. You'll be better able to speak for the parts of you that are inside to help them personally, and to really show up more. 

I hope you've enjoyed today's talk and let me know what you think. Are you biting your tongue? .

Thank you for joining me for this episode of Seriouslyourself. To help treat yourself well each week, go ahead and subscribe to Seriouslyourself wherever you listen to podcasts, and please share this link with anyone you love who might be seeking a little more truth and delight in their lives. If you just can't get enough and you'd like even more goodness, you can become a part of Seriouslyourself, The Membership Community. You'll receive a monthly magazine, personal gatherings and cool little treats delivered right to your mailbox. Find out more about that on my website: ingridyhelanderlmft.com. And thanks to those who make Seriouslyourself special: our wonderful music is Midsummer from the album Flood by the fabulous Joel Helander. Seriouslyourself is produced by Particulate Media, K.O. Myers, Executive Producer. The ideas and inspirations come from beautiful humans like you, that I feel lucky to know. And I'm Ingrid Helander. Take good care of yourself. See you next time. 

Transcript: Episode 2, Feelings that Kill You
Hi there, come on in. This is Seriouslyourself, The Podcast, and I'm Ingrid Helander. Thanks for being here. So today I thought it would be fun to talk about something I heard on a podcast the other day. It was a podcast called We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle and her sister (whose name I am completely blanking on. I'll have to look that up for you later.) Anyway, in the podcast she was mentioning how when she was getting sober, she had this sensation that her feelings were going to kill her, that they were actually going to be just too much for her. And it felt deathly to her...so, so dangerous. And I've heard her say this before, and I think when I've heard it, I thought, Yeah, I can imagine how people could feel that way when they're, say, maybe having a major panic attack or have had some devastating news, you know? And the feelings are so overwhelming that it's like: This is going to kill me. And if you've ever had tragedy in your life, or if you do have trauma where you have panic attacks, you can relate to that, right?

But the other morning I got in the car, and I realized I was carrying some very, very familiar anxiety. A really strong, strong feeling in my chest mostly, but also my throat and across my shoulders. And I thought to myself,  This! This is the feeling that at least some parts of me imagine could kill me. And why do I know that? Well, I know that because it's pretty clear in my history that that is the feeling I most want to eradicate. I really want to get rid of that pain, that pressure, that sensation like this low pulling negativity. I used to call it "the rock in my chest" or "the fist in my chest" and it's really uncomfortable. And yet, it is kind of a part of me, and I've worked very hard and use many techniques, (many of which I will share with you here) that helped immensely really. In some ways. If we look at it from the other side of that statement, I thought this feeling was going to kill me. The ways that I work with these parts of me, I would say have saved my life.

So getting back to that, I thought this feeling was going to kill me. Even if you haven't had the massive feeling that you were pretty sure in that moment, "this is going to kill me. I can't stand it," I want you to take a look at the small feelings, those ones that ride along with you all day that have maybe been with parts of you for most of your life... much of your life. Let's take a look at those today.

Many of my clients would come in and they would say, "You know, I just wake up feeling really nervous about what I'm going to do, how to make choices about my life, what people think of me, how I look act". And many others would come in and they would say, "You know, I cannot get to sleep or stay asleep at night. I'm just overthinking everything. My head goes round and round and round and my thoughts don't leave me alone. And I really hate that feeling." My goal is so often for us to be able to take a minute, (might take more than a minute, if I'm honest), but it shouldn't take too long to just step back from that, from the thinking that goes along with the sensation. I think Glennon put it so well, when she said, you know, the thinking was: This is going to kill me.

Yeah, that's if you have a feeling, and then you get a thought that says, "this is going to kill me" - then you're going to get another feeling pretty quickly, aren't you? And that is, "Yikes! Oh no! This will kill me! This is going to kill me!" And that feels terrible too. So then we build on that. We create this cycle of anxiety that happens between the feeling and the thought between the sensation and the imagination. 

So if you can take a minute right now, take a minute and just notice if you have any of those tiny little maybe chronic-type feelings that sit with you and create discomfort. They could be characterized as anxiety, worry, fear, negativity, depressive symptoms, moody. 

Okay. Got it? Just take one and take a breath into that feeling. What it's like from a curious standpoint when we have that feeling? Now, right away, you might notice you also have a part that says, "I can't get anywhere near that. It's too scary. Might hurt me. Might take over." Or - "I hate it or I wish it would go away!" And I would imagine you agree with that. And that's a fine thing. Go ahead and let the part of you that says "I can't stand that feeling." - Let that part of you know: Of course you can't! It's not comfortable. It's not fun. And then asked that part if it would step aside knowing full well that you agree and you want to be helpful. Because I'll guarantee it is that part, that part that says "I hate the sensation. I'm afraid of the feeling. I want it gone." 

That part is complicating the situation even though it's trying to help you. Does that seem clear? Can you see how that could complicate things inside? Make them feel more frightening, more depressing, more anxiety-producing, even more? Ah. So just take that deep breath and see what it's like to be with this little anxious, this bit of uncomfortable, this moody depth of you - with a little more compassion. 

You can get curious about how long it's been there. How long has this part been riding around for me? That part had been riding around in my chest most of my life. And you know, if you're going to carry something around with you, I think it's wise to find ways - true ways, not fakey  - but true ways to love and accept it, to help it to come into a state of being that is not carrying pain, not caring fear - not alone inside your system. 

You see, when we hate on those feelings, and we get so afraid that, say, like in Glennon Doyle's case, she would actually um drink them away or drug them away. And many people do, sometimes we run them away, eat them away, sex them away, shop them away, but ultimately that leaves us feeling less whole. It leaves us feeling like we can't trust this being that we are. And frankly, there are gifts within the very parts of us that actually feel afraid sometimes, or down, or frustrated, or worried. So if you can take a minute today, just take a second to breathe and notice: I don't have to solely rely on my old ways. And the old ways said, you know, "Cancel this feeling. Get rid of it. Get it out of here." I don't have to rely on that now. Instead I can get curious about it, I can write down everything it says and thinks. I can help it. I'm here. 

The more you can be here. The more you can be within [you] in a way that is kind and reasonable and really connected to these parts of you, the more you're going to find that you're showing up in the outside world. 

Maybe you were supposed to have this little bit of moodiness, this little frustration, this anxiety, this worry. Maybe that's okay. Maybe it just got a little distorted through the years and the generations. Maybe it isn't trying to hurt you. Maybe there are strengths within it. I can think of so many strengths that come from moodiness. Let's imagine that for a minute, what are some strengths that could come from a state of being moody? We might say that there is this strength of - (if we don't create too many stories about it), the strength is that we have the ability to deeply feel. We have the ability to deeply emote. We have the ability to hold and share others' pain, sometimes to lament. The poet Rilke talks about lament and the beauty and the gift in that. 

So, today imagine that nothing inside you is trying to kill you, and that with a little tiny practice and some gentle curiosity, you can actually help it. So, you can be more holy yourself, more fully You. More authentic. Hey, let me know how this is for you. I hope it helps. I know it's helped me.  

Thank you for joining me for this episode of Seriouslyourself. To help treat yourself well each week, go ahead and subscribe to Seriouslyourself wherever you listen to podcasts, and please share this link with anyone you love who might be seeking a little more truth and delight in their lives. 
If you just can't get enough and you'd like even more goodness, you can become a part of Seriouslyourself, The Membership Community. You'll receive a monthly magazine, personal gatherings and cool little treats delivered right to your mailbox. Find out more about that on my website: ingridyhelanderlmft.com. 
And thanks to those who make Seriouslyourself special: our wonderful music is Midsummer from the album Flood by the fabulous Joel Helander. Seriouslyourself is produced by Particulate Media, K.O. Myers, Executive Producer. The ideas and inspirations come from beautiful humans like you, that I feel lucky to know. And I'm Ingrid Helander. Take good care of yourself. See you next time. 

Overthinking is exhausting!
Do you feel like you're an Overthinker?

Do your thoughts, worries, plans, and sometimes just nonsense occupy your mind without your permission? Can't sleep because your mind is running overtime? Waking up worried, sometimes for no apparent reason?

Is overthinking even a real thing? I mean, maybe the pain and self-criticism you feel about overthinking results from unfair conceptions you've gathered throughout your life and even throughout history?

You, my friend, are not alone. Therapists are very familiar with "I can't turn my mind off!" - a common complaint that lands on their sofas and Zoom calls every week. "I just overthink everything, and I never get relief!"

In this episode, we'll spend less than 15 minutes giving "overthinking" some genuine curiosity.

You might say we'll overthink it! But no worries, it'll be brief and calming.

Some ideas to consider:
Is overthinking a flaw?

Is overthinking actually “real” - meaning who decides the “appropriate” amount of thinking?

Is it possible you might have inherited a fear of “too much thinking” from your family or society?

Is it necessary, important, or just habitual to criticize your own mind, your thinking? 

When did you learn to call your thought/feeling combination overthinking and why?

What do you believe, when you ask inside, would happen to you if you simply allowed your thinking and feeling to happen - without the criticism or brake pedal?

Fun journal option:
Answer this question in as many ways as you can imagine💛:
Overthinking is part of my life because….
 
Check out the episode for examples of how to do this for yourself.
Please follow Seriouslyourself, leaving a review or a comment. I'd sure appreciate it!

For more help calming your worry and being the unique human you are inside - check out my website at ingridyhelanderlmft.com
You can also get my ebook/workbook at:
calmyourworries.com

Transcript: Episode 1, Overthinking
Hi there, come on in. This is Seriouslyourself, the podcast and I'm Ingrid Helander.

Today in our chat, our conversation, I'd like to talk about and consider overthinking. Is this a term that's familiar to you, overthinking? Do you ever say "I'm just overthinking it," or "I'm so tired of overthinking, I can't stop myself." Yeah, a lot of people do.

I hear it pretty often in my office and I thought it'd be interesting today to step back from the worry about overthinking and the concern and that it's a problem and just wonder about this thing we call overthinking. You might even say we're going to kind of overthink it. Okay?

In my experience, when someone laments about overthinking it usually means that they're worried or concerned about something and they just can't push those thoughts away, right? So, therefore any thought about this concern, this problem is considered overthinking because they don't want to be thinking about it at all. So instantly we have a little definition in that it's a thought that because it is unwanted becomes too much, right? Something anything is too much.

So, it kind of plays out like this, right? A concerning thought comes up and you might as the thinker also feel anxiety in your body and then you find yourself criticizing yourself for those very thoughts and feelings that you're experiencing because maybe they're uncomfortable, right? They're unwanted. And the criticism inside which is trying to help stop the worry, stop the overthinking in fact may actually increase the sensation right? Both in your body and your mind because now you're feeling criticized and generally we don't like that feeling so much.

So the process then kind of creates this little feedback loop where you feel bad. You think thoughts that you're uncomfortable with, then you criticize yourself for feeling bad and for thinking those thoughts and you get more of them and so on. Does that sound familiar to you?

There are other types of overthinking. They probably have similar roots, but one is kind of hyper-planning. People will say, "I can't stop planning for whatever, a conversation, a vacation," um something that they don't want to do uh whatever it is that they can't stop that feature in their mind. And another overthinking type of thing is ruminating, or we might say obsessing, about maybe an interaction that didn't go so well or an encounter that you had that you didn't feel like you handled it exactly the way you wanted to and so because you maybe can't go back and fix it instead, you go over and over and over it in your head.

So one thing that's interesting to look at with overthinking is when it happens to people, I often hear "I'm fine until I get to bed at night or even an hour after I fallen asleep and then I wake up and I cannot stop myself." It's kind of like the conscious mind combs and the subconscious mind then steps in to think about something that's been bugging. The other time the overthinking can happen and people talk about a lot is first thing in the morning, their eyes are open or barely so and wham, that ruminating thought, that loop of criticism and anxiety will start and we're overthinking.

So let's ask a few questions here first. Do we really overthink? Is it actually a real thing? In other words, whoever decided what was the appropriate amount of thinking? And if we do, what are potential routes of that phenomenon, why would that be happening? I've heard many people in the last, oh, I don't know, decade or to say, "well this is a product of us having too big of brains," and there is some truth to that, but I think we can take it more personally than that.

Let's look at it a little more on a personal experience, but also zooming out of it. So we can see this didn't necessarily just start with one person, namely you. Is it possible you could have inherited a fear of too much thinking from your family or from society, is it necessary, important or is it just habitual to criticize your own mind and your thinking even by using the term overthinking? Is overthinking a flaw?

Let's imagine for just a minute that no part of you, including your overthought or your self-criticism is actually trying to harm you and I think this is true though, it can feel lousy and even if it can cause trouble in our outside lives inside us, these tendencies to do things that we find uncomfortable are always benevolent. They're trying to help you. They're trying to help you avoid a pain or a shame or something that feels far worse than what they actually might be causing (they think, these parts of us) when the truth is they're probably making things worse because they're not listening to the higher energy in the system which is yourself, you. So if we look at this like, maybe the overthinking is trying to help you and maybe it's kind of a learned behavior, right? Then let's not only overthink it, but let's feel it and get really, really curious and creative. It's just for fun. Remember it's just for fun.

Alright, so let's complete this sentence: Overthinking is a part of my life because blank, blank blank. Right, do it with me. Overthinking is a part of my life because... Some part of me believes it will actually help me. I'll figure it out this time if I just overthink it right? That makes sense, doesn't it? That a part of you would think if you keep thinking about it, you're certainly got to figure it out this time. Or how about this Overthinking is a part of my life because I was taught that my worries were silly and unproductive. And so those thoughts, those worried thoughts were always shut down in my system and in the outside world because they were unproductive. And so I couldn't ever actually resolve them, they just learned to circulate and recirculate in my mind. Or how about this one? Overthinking is a part of my life because I didn't have a lot of power to do what I wanted or to make changes in my life as a youngster. And so I learned to voice my powerlessness in this way of just ruminating and worrying. The worry goes around and around without any action at all. Or here's one overthinking is a part of my life because I'm a deeply feeling person who was taught that my feelings, especially those of anger or anxiety were a problem and they were unacceptable. Right? So I just shoved them down over and over and over again. And now what I'm supposed to be relaxed and my brain that says shut him down, shut him down is sort of offline.

Bingo. There they are. We could get even more curious actually, and we could look at the world, right? The eras of the world and society. And we could say possibly somewhere in my biology is the history right of the oppression of say women, right? Not just women, but we'll take women as an example. So women were not supposed to be thinkers or changemakers, right? They were set up at a certain point in history by the patriarchy just to serve. Their thoughts and feelings were discouraged and even persecuted. Overthinking in silence was all they could do, and when they appeared anxious or complained about their status, they were told later on maybe in the eras of history, that they were hysterical or some other equally diminishing term, right? So their thoughts and feelings were deemed wrong. And so any thinking in that context, societally would have been overthinking or we've all been mostly raised to process everything with our minds in Western society, right?

And we are to ignore as completely and as often as possible, the sensation in our bodies, Our brains have been the only trusted source of information and our bodies get dismissed in this way and poor brains, right? Our systems need to work with our wholeness, our mind, our body, our spirits, all sensation. And so this poor brain trying to overthink in an effort to solve a problem that it really can actually not know the answer to, right, because the information is stored in the body, that we've been taught very carefully to cut off. You know, there's so many possibilities for this issue that people call overthinking and I'm wondering what you've come up with. I'm wondering if there's little suggestions or wondering inside you, let's say, oh, I think maybe that's a possible route of my overthinking and maybe it's not overthinking at all. Maybe if I relax into it carefully and with a lot of patience and compassion for myself, I could learn something. So take a second now to really appreciate that you are a wise and complex being, your whole self has been set up for survival from the get-go and remember that you are always more than you know.

Thank you for joining me for this episode of Seriouslyourself. To help treat yourself well each week, go ahead and subscribe to Seriouslyourself wherever you listen to podcasts and please share this link with anyone you love who might be seeking a little more truth and delight in their lives. If you just can't get enough and you'd like even more goodness, you can become a part of Seriouslyourself, the membership community. You'll receive a monthly magazine, personal gatherings and cool little treats delivered right to your mailbox, find out more about that on my website, ingridyhelanderLMFT.com. And thanks to those who make Seriouslyourself special. Our wonderful music is Midsummer from the album Flood by the fabulous Joel Hollander. Seriouslyourself is produced by Particulate Media, K.O. Myers, Executive pProducer. The ideas and inspirations come from beautiful humans like you, that I feel lucky to know. And I'm Ingrid Helander. Take good care of yourself. See you next time.