Season 2 E9: Secrets

Sam and O’Neill are off to DC with Daddy Hammond because they won a prize from the president! Probably a plaque or small piece of etched glass or even one of those ribbon pins they wear.

We find out Sam has a dad. He’s trash. Teal’c is bored so he goes to Abydos with Daniel and proceeds to bear witness to a real low point for human men. Daniel is a self-centered shit show. Mostly tho, this episode is about men having meetings to make decisions on behalf of specific adult women without consulting those women AT ALL.

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00:00 - Intro

5:55 - 24 Seconds

7:50 - Recap

1:14:41 - Were We Comforted

1:17:01 - Yeh Neh or Meh

1:20:47 - Next Episode

1:21:06 - Nonexistent Sponsors

1:22:23 - Get To Know Your Hosts

Season 2 Episode 8:  Family

The Gate Gang rush off to save the son of Teal’c, only to find that his wife has been replaced by a whole nother lady! No worries!

Teal’c is still DTF and almost gets the whole gang killed for it. But all’s well that ends well if you consider getting that bratty little kid back from Apophis to be “well.”

Also, it’s convenient that the false wife of Teal’c is freed up by the death of her second (treacherous) hubs. Is Teal’c a “cuck” now? Call and let us know at (425) 610-6554 or answer in the text of your glowing review on your podcatcher of choice.

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00:00 - Intro

4:58 - 24 Seconds

6:27 - Recap

1:04:51 - Were We Comforted

1:07:50 - Yeh Neh or Meh

1:08:17 - Next Episode

1:10:27 - Nonexistent Sponsors

1:11:22 - Get to Know Your Hosts

Season 2 Episode 7: Message in a Bottle

Anyone else have a Sting song stuck in their head now? This episode is really cool! It bests this plot as attempted by other shows, it looks cool, MacGyver cries like a real human man person, Teal’c proves to be hella more solid a friend than Chewbacca.

Hey, should we start posting our descriptions on IMDB? Let us know at [email protected] or in the text of your glowing five-star review.

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5:41 - 24 Seconds

7:17 - Recap

57:43 - Were We Comforted

59:01 - Yeh Neh or Meh

1:01:41 - Next Episode

1:02:58 - Nonexistent Sponsors

Season 2 Episode 6:  Thor's Chariot

Yep, the Gate Gang destroyed Thor’s Hammer, a planetary protection device, to save their own asses, and then peace'd the fuck out without any thought given to consequences.

This episode could be called Consequences Suffered by Less Privileged People that are a Direct Result of Actions of Privileged People to Benefit Themselves Only. I just feel like the Federation would have thought to make sure the Cimmerians would be safe. But I guess this show is about 20th Century People, notable for being total trash.

Also Gairwyn stands over the fresh corpse of her husband with a real “meh” attitude about his death. Oh, and the Viking gods are actually the Ass Guard or Grays.

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4:57 - 24 Seconds

7:37 - Recap

53:09 - Were We Comforted

55:40 - Yeh Neh or Meh

57:38 - Next Episode

58:59 - Nonexistent Sponsors

1:01:46 - Get To Know Your Hosts

Season 2 Episode 5:  Need

The gate gang is captured because of something Daniel does, then forced to mine un-obtainium or dilithium or whatever it’s called on this show, without food or rest while D acts like a real D by trading his teams’ lives for coke, a side piece, and fancy digs. He betrays fucking everyone, even his wife, who isn’t even there. A real Judas sitch.

Episode ends with insufficient closure for the team and viewer alike and a detoxed Daniel looking like total shit. Don’t do drugs, I guess. Or at least stay away from the Sarcophagus, no one’s sure what’s in that.

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00:00 - Intro

05:34 - 24 Seconds

07:37 - Recap

56:20 - Were We Comforted

59:02 - Yeh Neh or Meh

1:04:14 - Next Episode

1:06:14 - Nonexistent Sponsors

1:07:41 - Get To Know Your Hosts

Season 2 Episode 4: The Gamekeeper

If you love a good time loop, or any time loop really, then this episode's for you!

Jack gets gaslighted as Teal'c observes, Problematic Daniel has his childhood trauma exploited for entertainment as Sam wears a weird blazer, and at some point archeologists used gas station carabiners to hoist large, stone-made shit. Someone--we’ll call him Fuckface McGee--has his own people and SG-1 hooked to VR machines for his own entertainment and power. He is a real dick. They talk their way out of it, the end.

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5:32 - 24 Seconds

7:44 - Recap

48:52 - Were We Comforted

52:00 - Yeh Neh or Meh

53:24 - Next Episode

54:32 - Nonexistent Sponsors

55:52 - Get To Know Your Hosts

Season 2 Episode 3:  Prisoners

What heroes! Imprisoned after a huge bullshit of a trial (for life!), the gang teams up with an inter-global sociopathic, uber evil doer to escape. They vet her less than McCain vetted Palin before giving her access to their entire base and computer system, leading to both her escape and her renewed reign of terror. Cool. Cool cool cool cool cool.

TBF, that prison did super suck.

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00:00 - Intro

6:07 - 24 Seconds

8:46 - Recap

57:21 - Were We Comforted

01:00:04 - Yeh Neh or Meh

01:03:00 - Next Episode

01:04:20 - Nonexistent Spnsors

01:05:16 - Get To Know Your Hosts

Season 2 Episode 2: In the Line of Duty

Sam makes out with a dying villager and he “bites her tongue” which I guess is some old fart slang for “inserts full crawdaddy into her face orifice” which I guess could be seggsual enough to just be my boring retitle.

It’s good crawdaddy tho, because Sam is literally possessed by it. That’s at least one more than obsessed. Long story short, the crawdaddy dissolves into her body and is basically gone and Sam is bereft beyond consolation, the end.

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00:00 - Intro

05:32 - 24 Seconds

06:58 - Recap

??? - Were We Comforted

58:50 - Yeh Neh or Meh

01:01:01 - Next Episode

01:02:10 - Nonexistent Sponsors

01:02:31 - Get To Know Your Hosts

Season 2 Episode 1: The Serpent's Lair

Oopsie Doodles, Sarah Compressed this Episode Into the Last Episode’s Description

I mean, it’s fine. Just read the last one. Or remember it? It was just last week. Do people read these? Sarah never reads these on pods she listens to. Should she? Is she missing out big? Email her at [email protected] to advise.

Oh, and we made it Season Two!  Hurray!!!

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7:40 - 24 Seconds

9:59 - Recap

1:08:35 - Were We Comforted

1:09:06 - Yeh Neh or Meh

1:12:06 - Next Episode

1:12:44 - Nonexistent Sponsors

1:13:41 - Get To Know Your Hots

SARAH WATCHES STARGATE THE MOVIE FOR THE FIRST TIME!  

Join your intrepid hosts Tory and Sarah as they Mystery Science Theater 3000 about half of this movie before getting wasted on Gin, Jiffy Pop, and 5th Avenue bars and forget what they’re doing!

Play and pause instructions given, so watch along with us the best Kurt Russell and worst James Spader movie ever!

We'll be back with Season Two next week! 

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00:00 - Intro

5:17 - Movie Commentary Track

2:05:21 - Were We Comforted

2:07:42 - Yeh Neh or Meh