slanderhour

slanderhour

By slanderhourSociety & Culture
Download on the App Store

slanderhour episodes

  • Semi - Vole

    They appeared slowly

    Like stars one by one

    Vole holes

    Holes from voles

    Not a rat, nor mouse, nor mole

    But a vole

    Tracks from one hole to another

    Blades of grass flattened by tiny feet

    In the dead of night

    In the light hours, they huddle

    In dark underground tunnels

    Dreaming vole dreams

    Out of sight by the watchful attention

    Of hawks, owls, and perturbed humans

    Their doings impart a rather swiss cheese look to the lawn

    I shrug

    In thirty years here of fighting natures ways

    I put them in the category of dandelions

    Conceding defeat

    For I know this equivalent of wild hamsters

    Will party themselves out of existence

    on the bottom of the food chain

    leaving a lot of fat owls and smiling cats

    Then life will go on

    Leaving a multitude of empty holes

    In my lawn.

    24 min
  • Semi - Margin

    He took me to the coast and walked me past

    The fair, the candyfloss, the arcade games,

    And then he pulled me playfully

    Inside the little sea life centre.

    Dilapidated and unloved

    But still it teemed with screaming kids.

    I let him pay, it was a first date after all.

    And then we entered underwater love,

    Hand in hand as we travelled deeper, deeper

    Into ocean halls.

    He stopped in front of jelly fish

    And stared at tentacles that changed with light

    From blue, to yellow, to flaming red.

    They’re my favourite, he said

    Never peeling eyes from fish.

    I watched in fascination

    And as they drifted past the glass

    In long and lazy undulating circles.

    I realised probably

    They were my favourite too.

    30 min
  • Semi - Gut

    Aye dread getting *******

       and getting washed 
       even without spectacles
       that haint no mo' six-pack ab
    which nearly rock-ribbed
       mid equatorial zone shapeshifted 
       into corpuscular blubbery 
       ancillary physiognomy
       where aye wanna bab 
    bull posttraumatic stressed out
       middle age battle of the bulge.

    Season sponged pants squarely 
       and tightly across the equatorial adipose tissue
       requiring mister crab
    to clamp down with pincers
       viz primitive liposuction 
       whence rustling scupper
       will efface this trireme 
       where three-ply
       tread fully and tirelessly dab
    bull to ameliorate
       rolls of extra flesh alien 
       to what stacked
       as an athletic sculpted body.

       Now no prolong inhalation
       get with steely mettle hie trite to iron out the flab
    thus this part
       and parcel of senescence, 
       yet auxiliary buttressed dermis 
       effect forming gorged girth
       giving "love handles" grab
    reigniting reign of prepubescent anorexia nervosa, 
       bootstrapped now wen frankly
       zaps distorted self-image. 

       Evoked hollow repugnant
       rolls of fat insta jab
    stubborn thoughts of self-loathing
       entice me to become a lab
    bore a tory guinea pig to restore 
       prime of life when five foot ten
       alignment could nab
    first place in a slick couture magazine 
       from the neck down
       taut torso bearing 
       fashion model and
       teen idol where tab.

    To stand stock still until Shutterfly
       would SnapChat 
       rippled tummy, could
       fill my hungry wallet with inxs of cash
    now, aye haint so gorge ***,
     WhatsApp with  
       a faux pregnant protuberance,
       though thankfully 
       derriere still rather dash
    ing, which palm pilot sized buttocks
       doth newt offset. 

       Lost battle of the bulge,
       where diet tribes furloughed in a flash
    abandoning their respective stations, 
       gnome hatter sinusoidal
       parabolic frontispiece finds me to gnash
    my toothless mouth for lack of means 
       to stave of the depredations 
       of slump pin proletariat
       allowing me a hash.

    Tag with hefty weight, acquiescing 
       this Pillsbury doughboy blivet 
       to subject himself to the sharp
       stings of a cool whip lash
    bearing the snap against raw skin as due process 
       and supplication for atlas shrug
    ging his shoulders
       at the fountainhead naming me mash
    shew Scott in regard to oblate inflation. 

       Insulation fiberglass around midsection, and
       how ma late mum 
       (an avid fan of doctor Carleton Fredericks,
       who preceded Mehmet Oz), would quash
    the love she showered on this sole heir - 
       resorting to exhaustive palliatives -
       even ear rash
    shun null gambits,
       and as a last-ditch effort 
       putting this offspring  
       on par with an albatross -
       vamoose get out with the trash!

    42 min
  • Semi - Standup
    John Edward Robinson is often called the first serial killer of the digital age: He was the first serial murderer on record to have used internet chatrooms to lure his victims to their deaths.
    His early years were a collage of petty crimes. He embezzled money from the clinic where he worked as an x-ray technician (a clinic he only got a  job in because he forged his certification and papers).
    When that fell apart, he started multiple fictional businesses, spending time in jail and on probation after each one failed.
    At the same time, he began ingratiating himself with the local community, notably as a Sunday-school teacher and a Scoutmaster.
    But  his image as a pious man interested in doing his civic duty crumbled after he propositioned several married neighbourhood women and began to  discuss his enthusiasm for a sadomasochistic cult where, he said, he served as the “Slavemaster.”
    That was when women began to disappear.
    John will be performing at this year’s Edinburgh Festival at Pleasance Attic August 12- 28th (Not 22nd).
    1 hr 2 min
  • Semi - Atheists

    Science defines my virtue. Factual and fictional books are my domain. Don’t speak to me of pixies, fairies, and unicorns, Or of your monopoly on morality, love, faith, and shame.  I am what I am And of what I do I claim my own. I fight for my survival   Of which need not be told, judged or shown.   There is no all knowing Or an immortal god of my fate he will judge. For when my heart ceases to beat It will return from whence it came, a kind of primordial sludge.  And when I die I will not be present to lend a single care. I spent my life living Where cowards do not dare.  Do not ask me to have faith. Do not ask me to prove love. Do not ask me to define absolutes. For I know absolutely, there is no god above.  I claim we are all one human race, Merely here because of some random demise. The purpose of my existence, Is equal to other humans, including apes, birds, and flies.  Nothing of life can be proven, Nor of life I can disprove. I live by a faith in myself; I am my own god, a perfect image of myself which cannot be improved. 

    24 min
  • Semi - Wake

    I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

    I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.

    I learn by going where I have to go.

    We think by feeling. What is there to know?

    I hear my being dance from ear to ear.

    I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

    Of those so close beside me, which are you?

    God bless the Ground!   I shall walk softly there,

    And learn by going where I have to go.

    Light takes the Tree; but who can tell us how?

    The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;

    I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

    Great Nature has another thing to do

    To you and me; so take the lively air,

    And, lovely, learn by going where to go.

    This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.

    What falls away is always. And is near.

    I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

    I learn by going where I have to go.

    25 min
  • Semi - Baddies

    Sweet merry happy chickadee was terrified of the old racer chimpanzee 

    He is not so bad threw in the bumblebee 

    If you knew him well, you could easily see…  

    But he has such a loud monster truck-like Humvee! 

    It scares the honey nectar juice out of me! 

    We watched him race at the chimpanzee Grand Prix.

    My auntie Tee paid for Chickadee’s entrée fee.  

    Now we are all friends – he, she, they and me. 

    Of course, this includes the wild ornery bumblebee. 

    We all went out last Tuesday for Orange Pekoe Tea.

    Chickadee, chimpanzee, bumblebee and me!

    30 min
  • Semi - Resort

    Timbaland was an entertainment theme park at the Crucial Crew complex in Cornbrook, Manchester, England which operated from 1979 to 2008. The park was located in the heart of Manchester city centre adjacent to Harry Ramsden's.


    The tour attracted over 5 million visitors, but visitor numbers were waning by the late 1990s due to some health and safety violations by staff members. 


    31 min
  • Semi - Ghost

    Come nose to nose with sharks and turtles and prepare for astonishingly close views of everything from humble starfish to magical seahorses.

    Discover the beautiful tropics of Stingray Bay, or the humidity in our dense Rainforest Adventure, go beneath the waves in our underwater tunnels or pop up in our bubble tanks and say hello to our clownfish!

    28 min
  • Semi - Tired

    I'm tired mate.

    I'm exhausted with trying to please you, with trying to second-guess you.
    I think it's the best part of a decade we've  known each other, and yet it turns out I didn't know you at all. You're the tin man, mate.
    You've got not heart, mate.
    You never made it to the emerald city.
    You're just sat in the enchanted forest. Rusting.
    Tired. Like me. Tired as fuck.

    24 min

About slanderhour

From the publisher's feed

A weekly pre-sleep, post-thought audio play investigating the nature of latent boredom and the strip-mining of emotional bereavement.