Incredible news: we have tracked down the real toby jug looking m***** f*****! Meanwhile Sir Keir is noted to be not wearing a mask, despite my daily pleas! I answer more listener questions and pay tribute to the genius of Morricone by playing his classic theme from My Name is Nobody. *Contains swearing* Email the show at [email protected]

Bonson Johnson was taken to lunch by Starmer at PMQs. If he'd bothered to turn up to SAGE meetings in Jan/Feb he would have heard them discussing asymptomatic transmission! Meanwhile his local A&E has been forced to close due to a COVID-19 outbreak and I respond to more emails. Please email the show at [email protected] *Contains swearing*

Johnson was widely criticised throughout the day as his hapless spokesperson defended him like a duff robot. Meanwhile I look into long haulers (people struggling to recover from COVID-19) and respond too my first emails! Please email [email protected] *Contains swearing*

Johnson - realising a future inquiry will rightly blame him for the many failings that led to 65,000 excess deaths - is shifting the blame onto care homes! No matter they didn't have tests or PPE and were forced to take back residents they knew had COVID-19! This could be Johnson's new low. *Contains swearing*

Breaking news tonight: the UK arts industry have been promised a good chunk of money to support it post-COVID. It includes £800 million in grants. We don't have any details yet and of course we'll believe it when we see it, but it's a big number! Meanwhile the local mob boss shows a softer, seductive side! *Contains swearing*

In Houston, Texas the good Doctor Veron is achieving remarkable results with an ad-hoc medicine mix. Meanwhile there's controversy around smoking Vs COVID-19 and I register my surprise that a podcast available across the universe is picking up listeners across the world! *Contains swearing*

As pubs and restaurants open on Saturday, police and scientists warn the English to rein in the drunkenness. Meanwhile Sturgeon and Drakeford describe Grant Shapps' travel list as a shambles and Johnson's dad goes to Greece! *Contains swearing*

Nicola Sturgeon is doing a much better job of communicating the risks than Bonson Johnson. In a few days it'll be mandatory to wear masks while shopping in Scotland. Meanwhile Gavin Voice of Hell Williamson continues to dissuade parents to send their kids to school! *Contains swearing*

After John Burn-Murdoch's outstanding FT exclusive, under pressure from Keir Starmer, Johnson finally published Pillar 2 test results, giving us a detailed map of actual community cases. The data's 10 days old, and they'll only publish weekly, but it's a start. *Contains swearing*

The FT broke a huge story tonight: positive COVID-19 tests in the community (not hospitals) are not published by the UK government. It's a deliberate cover-up designed to hide the true number of confirmed infections across the UK. *Contains swearing*