Something Positive for Positive People

With consent from our clients who've gone through SPFPP therapy services, we share our first exit interview featuring Ali. Ali is a 32 year old black presenting, able bodied, bisexual, fun-sized cis-gendered woman. While she received a diagnosis for HSV-2, making her a candidate for SPFPP therapy, she wanted to explore and understand her anger toward her father, and do something about it.

This episode simply sums up her experiences throughout therapy and how it helped her relationship with herself and the relationships around her.

Herpes education advocacy is an entry point to healing whether it be healing others or self. It's important to understand our intention going into herpes education advocacy and remain true to it because there can be pressure coming in from all angles that causes us to burn out the inspiration candle. What I offer here is my own experience with the life cycle of advocacy and my entry point into it.

I'm joined by two friends who attended a recent social gathering for one of the herpes groups we're part of. We talk about the headspace one should probably be in prior to joining in order to get what you need out of it. Katie, Laurie and I share an overview of our initial experiences within the social groups as well. There were some new concepts of disclosure that came up in this episode about redirection to get to your destination, and that's where disconnecting the dots came from.

A solo episode brought about from reoccurring conversations I'm having with people around herpes disclosure and how it impacts one's confidence. A major question to ask yourself throughout listening to this episode is just how much value are you placing on your sexuality and ability to mesh genitals with a potential partner at the expense of your own humanness. Think about all the other things to disclose and have disclosed to you. So often, in our minds, herpes disclosure takes over our ability to recognize things non-sexually that are far more important to us than STI status is. We talk through several considerations for disclosure on this episode. Enjoy!

I get real vulnerable here which seems to be what people think I do on a regular, but it is very challenging for me to do this. I ask for help. I don't need it RIGHT now, but it's also not really for me, it's for us! I'm creating a survey for only people who have herpes created by us for us so that we get representation of our lived experiences out there to the world in a way that presents data. My goal is 1,000 participants which would really increase our credibility. The survey link will be shared once it's ready. I hope that everyone listening and who sees this will do their part in getting data that is relevant to us and updated with 2021 information that we care about.

And I talk about my thought process about ending the SPFPP podcast and stop bullshitting myself about the excuse I was making for it. Listen to find out.

Our guest shares some horror stories of disclosing her herpes status to partners and their responses as well as many lessons that could've stemmed into other episodes including how it isn't herpes, its vulnerability people are afraid of, how avoidance translates, avoiding avoidance, convenience of non-disclosure, navigating red flags, lonely fatigue, and connectedness in community vs in sex.

Split with partner and feels like now she’s single and realizes she now HAS to deal with this DURING the pandemic 2 weeks before lockdown happened

Lives in New Zealand

Conversations “In here” vs conversations “Out there”

Being boundariless makes us conform to the boundaries of others or lack thereof

Understand what’s yours and what’s your partners’

Covid conversations parallel STI conversations “Is this person worth getting COVID from?”

Assumptions have no anchor in reality

Stigma makes this diagnosis troubling because we’re not connected to it until we’re connected to it.

Misinformation from credible sources “Just wear condoms” “Don’t have sex during outbreaks”

Well my Doctor said . . .

Dr resistance to testing due to the trauma of a possible positive result

Connecting people to accurate, consistent information is a challenge against all the misinformation

The world’s worst herpes joke at 35 minutes lol. This is awful ya’ll. I mean really bad.

The tickling analogy from Melissa Carnagey of Sex Positive Families how consent violating kids grow to consent violating adults

Sexual Health and Mental health are interconnected. The skeleton of body autonomy and “no” serve as the skeleton of sexual health conversations

Group dynamics and violations of boundaries

Felt uncomfortable with many personal messages from strangers which felt good initially with positivity turned compliments

It took a day or two for this to happen shortly after she posted her introduction

Reminder that spaces I invite people into are extensions of me so I need to set expectations

THAT ONE GUY IN THE GROUP WHO KEEPS MESSAGING OVER AND OVER

Addressing the overwhelm of attention in the group

Diagnosed with Genital HSV1 New Year's Day 2019

Was in a relationship 4-5 months when diagnosed and STIs weren’t on the radar.

She got her herpes receiving oral from her bf with a history of cold sores which no one asks about because we’re not taught to.

Comforting herself with the mantra “This is just a yeast infection”. The side eye from the nurse knocked that mantra out.

Presenting lesions that were swabbed, afterwards, she overheard chatter in the hallway “Have you told her?” which was humiliating as a patient.

Unaware that cold sores are herpes and could pass on genitally

Cried with her boyfriend and they tried to comfort one another

Got very sick the day after finding out she had herpes

Mom assumed her boyfriend cheated and that wasn’t what she needed, she needed comfort

Stayed in the relationship 1.5 years after official diagnosis

She received her test results from someone who couldn’t tell her what type of HSV she had for some reason even though she already knew. Speaks volumes to inconsistency

Who should deliver a diagnosis? A patient care advocate? On staff sex professional?

Delivery of her traumatic diagnosis did not help

Herpes brought up past trauma, specifically an assault that had occurred and the shame resurfaced after pretending it didn’t happen and not processing. After her diagnosis this came to the forefront.

Was uncomfortable with therapy and attempted to deal alone but it wasn’t working. She became disgusted with her body even in the mirror by herpes and assault.

Don’t make excuses or blame yourself and as much as it sucks, you gotta process it.

Supporting survivors looks like holding judgment free space for the other person

Repressing feelings can show up during alone times

Prescribed antidepressants after a follow up appointment gave her an opportunity to plan out her suicide attempt because from her diagnosis. She was gonna down them.

There’s no RIGHT way to deliver a diagnosis. It’s all situational

Sexual health IS Mental health

Realizing she had genital herpes, but her bf had oral herpes, not genital. Look at the stigma and disconnect there in the relationship with jealousy based on location.

He broke up with her as the relationship was becoming “toxic” and she wouldn’t entertain the idea of it ending.

Elaborate on toxic so we can catch it and call it out.

Being single can be isolating when you have herpes so it’s hard to talk to people about it

Here's what we've touched on this episode: 20 Years old and diagnosed over a year with genital HSV at the start of the Pandemmy

Found out this guy intentionally gave her and 3 other women HSV to claim them

These ladies ganged up and pushed Emily OUT of the group so they could keep their man all to themselves

They told her he has herpes and they encouraged her to go get tested and leave

They said he does this to everyone new that he starts to like and hooks up with

When she confronted the guy, he said “I know” and blocked her, yet showed up for work still

Him not caring is what made her feel broken as that was the one person she’s trusted with her body and he broke it, making her feel disgusting

This was her first partner so she knew it came from him

Felt shocked and confused because this was also a coworker

He didn’t care when they spoke and he knew what he’d done.

Became severely depressed and saw a therapist

This was her lowest point in her life

Her friends picked her back up and helped her

When girls say “He’s my best friend”

Falling in love with someone who doesn’t reciprocate

Is it my fault for “catching feelings”

Red flags are love-bombing and faux connection and red flags start

Who they are with me vs who they are with NOT me

Ex girlfriend in the picture being “crazy” as a warning

Average D game blinding from red flags

DUDE IS A SOUNDCLOUD RAPPER

What keeps us from retaliating to shitty people?

No regard to consequences, nothing to lose, so fuck it.

Shift the shame from stigma to shitty actions (Episode Title) From victim blaming to perpetrator shame

Abuser threats to your threatening to out them for abuse

Abusers have no shame (why is the fear greater of your consent violations carry more weight than abuse. The abuser shouldn’t be able to hurt you more after help is sought or action taken

The three girls prioritizing him benefiting from this representative of upholding white supremacy

He wrote a diss track about her and called her a homie hopper.

Had incentive for a fresh start through reaching out to her sister for support to get that

When disclosing your status, it’s all about the person

Recognizing happiness for the first time after not seeing it for so long

We all want matched energy

I wanted him to be who he was

WE TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US

If you want pizza instead of tacos, get pizza, don’t eat tacos.

Having to strongly advocate for what she KNOWS was wrong with her body.

37 years old

Told she has herpes then is told she should hurry up and have kids before even processing that she has herpes.

Stigma in medicine looking like go have kids.

Listening to my podcast helped them more than going to a professional.

She had to figure this all out on her own

Found a women’s group for support

What if there’s one consistent test that says you do or don’t have herpes once a year KNOWING we’re being tested for it.

Get on board with a better test

Platonic same sex relationships validation and support through those rather than sex.

Comfort in effort of community support being uplifted

Do transmission rates matter?

There’s always a chance

Black & Brown folks and mental health

How Awareness of Patterns Create choice

What happens in this house stays in this house and how that silence upholds power structures