Starting 5

In this quick little ep, Dillon talks about the First Round of the Big Toon Tournament. He salutes our fallen heroes and praises those who advanced before looking ahead to the marquee matchups of the Second Round. A must-listen for all those slackers who haven't paid attention to the games so far but need to know what's going on next.

Hey kids! It's the holiday season, which means only one thing: no one is available to pod. So this week, the OG3 (myself, Peanut, and Cody) present to you the PBS Kids Charity Filler Episode. It's a draft laden with team-driven, pleasant, extremely coachable players, and we warp that immediately. This episode features: an experimental 6th man draft pick, lots of dubious math on player heights, a spelling break, evil Domantas Sabonis, more shows no one's ever heard of, tall ball, more extraneous items allowed on the court than ever before, a happy snapper, and a Dirk Nowitzki fallaway jumper in a wheelchair.

In this, the final episode of the first round of the Big Toon Tournament, we see childhood friends become the bitterest of rivals, while Cohost Cody and I attempt to calm the storm. While they both hang out in my living room, Roommate Andrew pits his 7 Seed The Mutant Metaphor vs Sammy Six Names' 10 Seed Self Destruct. We start innocuously enough with the easiest game of fuck, marry, kill you'll ever hear, but from that point on we start to take Sam's team name seriously. This episode features immaculate vibes, pictures of Buzz Lightyear's dome, a break to discuss each player's religious affiliation, a fifth of gin provided by Wolverine, all of our best Droopy Dog impersonations, and, true to form, an insane game of HORSE to decide who moves on. Hold on to your hats, kids.

In this installment of the Big Tournament, White Kenny seeks redemption with his 6 Seed Gold City Mayors while Dillon tries to teach his 12 Seed Kid's WB Shaft Drafters (The Michigan Meta) to play basketball. Swinging by to keep us in check are Cohost Cody and Roommate Andrew. We get pretty damn chippy in a loving way and make the best NBA comps so far. This episode has everything: a lasso, a chainsaw arm, a short metal man, championship mentality, Kenny's famous sideline gun, rampant ablism, a good deal of anger, wildly different coaching ideals, and a flawless 2009 Washington Wizards reference.

In today's Big Tournament matchup, Cody's 5 Seed Seattle Divinity take on Dillon's 12 Seed Cleveland Cowabunga. The God of Basketball starts his redemption tour against Gerald Johanssen. Dillon's ragtag team of Nickelodeon castouts puts up a stiff fight against Cody's well-drilled unit. Joining us for this occasion are Darius (Peanut, the Creator) and Chase (Chestuh McBadBad). Hop on for a wild ride that includes: more disrespect for Jake the Dog, God-o Rocket, the dismantling of SuperBike, an awful catchphrase that leads to the relocation of a team, a decent chunk of just laughter, and a dramatic 1 v 1 overtime ending that is not to be missed.

In today's first round Big Tournament game we've got the 8 Seed (Steven's Seltzer 6) vs the 9 Seed ((Jacob's) Daddy Issues) in a matchup that is knock-down drag-out hilarious. Starting with a locker room environment that is genuinely dangerous and ending with two villains abandoning the sport to mess up America's favorite chin, this ep's got it all. Cohost Cody swings by to co-moderate, and somehow we agree on every point. Pearl Krabs goes 5/7 from downtown when Azula's not dropping 40, Tigress puts Master Splinter on ice even though she feels bad about it, we learn about fox years and it is bad news for Swiper, Boomie babbles his way into a fourth quarter triple double, Jacob holds his phone for the entire episode, and at the end of it all one team brings new meaning to "Survive and Advance."

You've asked for a behind the scenes, unfiltered, legitimately unplanned look into the War Room of Starting 5, and we're delivering. Take a peek behind the curtain as Peanut, Cody, and I rank the 12 teams that qualified for the Big Tournament. It's messy, it's frantic, it's pretty damn funny. Here's an hour and a half of background noise. Get hype.

It's finally here: the showdown to end all showdowns, the epic conclusion to the tournament. Two more influential members of this podcast you could not find (and I include myself in that list). Cohost Cody faces off against Peanut, the Creator. Will Cody's heel-turn to villainy work in his favor? Will Peanut's shooters stay hot? Will all these bad guys stay on the court for the full game? Will the loser ever talk to me again? All of these questions and more are answered in this ep, which features: a mud Pokémon, the answer to Green Arrow, a lotta ice out there, the best halftime speech since Dylan Teabo's, personal attacks, questions of character, a 27-minute intermission involving IG Live and some unreported violence, and, most importantly of all, a champion.

The bronze medal match sees Roommate Andrew face off against White Steven in a battle that dares to ask how bad of a foul it is to dribble your opponent. This episode features: highly different basketball philosophies, friendly X-men, our first commercial, a loon, and the greatest what if of all time: what would happen if Venom and Batman combined?

In the second semifinal in the Kid's WB bracket, Cohost Cody takes on Roommate Andrew in a lovely battle of wits, references, and psychological barbs. Can Cody's greatest team ever assembled hold a candle to Andrew's croquet offense? Featured in this ep: Cody's dramatic heel turn, a Hebrew Card, Manute Bol, some masturbatory praise of the podcast, an attempt at fighting bad luck with violence, intangibility, and one of my finer dramatic reveals of an ending.