Static Age

The brutal stupidity of He-Man causes our masks to slip, providing a rare glimpse behind the curtain and into the swelling sea of hate that lives within us. We also decide we can no longer tolerate this inane bullshit, so this will be our last foray into the land of Eternia and He-Man. Good riddance, you son of a bitch.

After 44 minutes of He-Man, we're on a one way trip to Hell.

This week on Static Age, we change the channel to He-Man and The Masters of The Universe, and boy, is it ever esoteric. Prepare yourself listeners. The rabbit hole goes deep.

This concludes our first foray into the world of Deep Space Nine, and what a journey it's been.

People go to Quark's primarily to fuck cartoons. As long as you've got tits and lips and legs, you're good. Pokemon is slavery. "I never even knew about the Pokemon Wars." Winona Ryder was in the clink. "Show the worm!" Space rap. Quark ain't hip-hop. Star Fleet's not hip-hop either. The Ferengi are the logical conclusion of anarcho-capitalism. Attempted murder once again goes unpunished. Odo can't stand wasting a good body. A good Ferengi is a dead Ferengi.

Although we celebrate the fact that shirt tucking has gone the way of the dinosaur in the future, fashion in general is not doing so hot. The Gamma Quadrant is universally trash. Garbage quadrant. You don't see too many mullets in space anymore. A society based on The Exploited is a shit show. No matter where you go, a stick is just a stick. Wear space gold, get space AIDS. Innovative trash solutions. If you have to abduct folks to play a game, how often do you really get to play it? It's not looking good for straight edge in the future. Kira slaughters half a generation of Cardassian children.

Josh, our first guest, leads us to some shocking revelations. Eternal life for eternal skins. Nothing ever changes. Scott Bakula is no James T. Kirk. Nobody remembers Dewey Two-Steps. Riker has some fuckboy characteristics. Kirk was a black hole of pussy. Exactly how many deep spaces are there? The internet is a river of iniquity and sin. The Vulcans have the universe on autopilot. Where the worm lives stinks. Sex is vile. If you find yourself attracted to a Klingon woman, you're in for the beating of a lifetime.

Trill scientist escapes conviction with this one simple trick even you can learn. Getting kidnapped by aliens is better than Bashir. Bashir joins the Proud Boys. You can't wear glasses without ears. Zero Google results for "Worf's ears." Let's give the farmers a break with some tractor beam tech. Keiko O'Brien is an incorruptible beam of light with a corrupt secret. Starfleet is halfway between Tokens & Tickets and Scientology. Earth ethics are not space ethics. Please, Elon Musk, invent the warp drive. If we've learned one thing, it's that space is complicated.

In this especially offensive episode, we find out Sisko isn't autistic. Q is a piss poor example of an omnipotent being. Albert's eggs. You never know who's gonna slice and dice you. Using replicators to make parts to build bigger replicators. Ferengi are constantly masturbating in public. The secret currency of truckers.

Win cash and prizes in the Federation surveillance state. People of the future are unflappable. O'Brien knows what it is to be hunted. Odo betrays his secrets in his art. Sisko doesn't give a shit about the prime directive. Is it unethical to eat animals that want to die?

Odo spots a prospective victim. More Nazi talk. We learn how Nate ruined a man's life. You can't help but think of the future when you see a trapezoid.