I am really excited to not have a human being inside my body soon. I'm excited to have my body belong to only me again. I'm excited to be able to eat sushi. I'm excited to not have to carry around so much extra weight and be more mobile. I'm excited to not have any more pregnancy symptoms. I'm excited to not have a human moving around inside of me. I'm excited to lay on my stomach when I sleep!!! We need a crib.

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Yesterday, August 25, was Greg's 35th birthday. Today is the 11-month anniversary of 아빠's death. Today, I'm 37 weeks pregnant. Greg built a crib on his birthday — we ultimately decided it was too big for our bedroom. Today, he took it apart and packed it up. Gamja also ate 1/4 of my Chipotle bowl for dinner, while Greg and I were gathering our laundry.

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The ultrasound went well. I did my first NST, checking on the baby's heartbeat and my contractions. I now officially know that I'm having contractions, which is nice because not knowing and just wondering was giving me anxiety.

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My Complex-PTSD is making it really difficult for me to feel hope or joy about the birth of this child — I mostly feel worry and fear, and I feel like my body and brain are trying to protect me from trauma by preventing me from feeling anything positive, just in case something bad happens. I want to actively try to fight my Complex-PTSD instead of feeling like I'm under its weight. I want to try and tell myself one positive thing every day, for the next three weeks, regarding the pregnancy and the birth of our child. It feels scary to feel hope and joy, and I don't have to only feel those feelings. But I think there's a lot to look forward to, and I don't want to miss out on joy because I'm stuck in fear. Being this pregnant also makes me feel weak because I'm less mobile, I can do less things easily, and I am really limited. I want to try and do some things that make me feel like myself, like journaling, writing, cooking, walking, and hanging out with friends. We have our 36-week ultrasound tomorrow. Please keep us in your thoughts, and in your prayers.

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I couldn't sleep last night because I was afraid my water was going to break in the middle of the night. It didn't. The nausea is still absolutely terrible, and it's constant. The ginger chews are back. There is no escape except childbirth.

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I pooped eight times today. More specifically, it was diarrhea. Apparently, this is an early labor symptom because your body is trying to clean out the colon and prepare for birth? I was nauseous all day. The baby was moving around a ton and it felt like they were moving down lower. I literally felt like my water might break. Watching the Olympics (replays) has been helpful me feel less anxious about giving birth.

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I was so exhausted today. I also had my 36-week prenatal appointment today. I went to Haagen Daz and got a raspberry lemonade slushie, and then I got a free pistachio ice cream cone and got to relive a childhood experience of eating ice cream on a cone. It was lovely. Not the exhaustion part, the ice cream part. Also, I'm lactose-intolerant, so I'm not sure how I'm eating things like cheese and ice cream. I'm ready to be done with this pregnancy. I can't wait to have my body back, and not in some, "get my body back to the way it used to look" kind of way. I just don't want to have a tenant in my body anymore. I want to be the only occupier of this body.

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I sent out a newsletter on Wednesday called, "Welcoming Baby Ko into the World." I read it out loud on this episode, but you can follow along on Substack: https://jieunandgreg.substack.com/p/welcoming-baby-ko-into-the-world.

Today was Part 2 of organizing our apartment to welcome Baby Ko into our space. We put donations out on the street, and they all got picked up. We went through bins that were under our bed and got rid of a lot of papers we've just held onto for years. We're not done yet, but we're slowly getting there. We made progress today, and that's a win.

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We moved our bed, made a mess in our living room and hallway, and figured out where we're going to put a crib for the newest member of our family! Taking this baby arrival one step at a time has made the reality of having a child less daunting. I feel like we'll be able to do it. We'll figure it out.

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I started an Asian American neighborhood moms group! We met for the first time last week, and it was exactly what I needed. I'm proud of myself for creating the community that I need, and providing that space for others. This group reminded me a lot of my grief group. After meeting with the four women who attended last week, I felt like I went from a lifeboat to a ship. I think this group is going to be a crucial lifeline in this next leg of my life journey: motherhood.

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