Stay Soft, Stay Open

I'm 33 weeks pregnant, which means I only have 7 weeks left of this pregnancy. We are fully freaking out over here! Greg and I took a pregnancy class on Saturday, and in the middle of class, a woman found out that her water was breaking. It had actually started breaking since the day before. It wasn't like the movies, but it was still an insane thing to be a part of.

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My mom took the bus by herself to New York from Virginia yesterday. It's the first time she's been back here since February. Today is the 10-month anniversary of 아빠's death. We didn't have time to go to 한아름 (H-Mart) today because I had my 32-week prenatal appointment and my mom just got here. I was weeping while talking to Greg in a Starbucks today before my appointment, reflecting on my mom being here with us. My tears surprised me — I didn't realize how overwhelmed I was by her being here. I haven't journaled in two weeks and I feel really backed up on my feelings.

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I had my 32-week growth ultrasound appointment today and everything looks good. I'll be going back at 36 weeks because, for women who are Advanced Maternal Age (35 years old and up), we are advised to get scans every week, starting at 36 weeks. We are truly in the final weeks of this pregnancy, and I've been desperately waiting for these weeks since Week 1. But now that I'm here, I'm scared! Pain is an inevitable part of this experience, but I think it's kind of crazy that women are expected to labor at home until their contractions are five minutes apart for an hour — the "rule" is 5-1-1. I have another appointment tomorrow with my midwife practice. So many appointments. So little time.

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If no one ever goes to an oral surgeon asking for no anesthesia to get a root canal or a dental implant, why do we have the option to have an unmedicated birth? Pregnancy is pain. Labor is pain. Postpartum is pain. Breastfeeding is pain. If we can reduce our pain during childbirth with medication, we as women deserve it. I don't want to feel the ring of fire. I don't want to feel the full circumference of my child's head crowning out of my vagina. Girls and women deal with more than enough pain. The fact that men can't get pregnant, give birth, or breastfeed, is a massive injustice. We already do enough. We already carry enough. We already endure enough.

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Pregnancy is f*****g hard. My fingers are numb. Everything is swollen. My stomach is absolutely massive. I'm giving birth sometime between the next 5 weeks and 8 weeks. I don't think I'll miss being pregnant, but maybe I will? I don't think I'll miss having a pregnant stomach, but maybe I will? I feel like I'm flying down a mountain at top speed right now. We're going to have a child in less than two months.

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Our trip to Virginia was so exhausting, and the drive back was also extremely exhausting. I feel so relieved that I had a much-needed conversation with my mom, and that that conversation went as well as it could have gone. It went far better than I had expected. It will take time to heal, but we're making progress, and I'm incredibly grateful for that. It took us 7 hours to get back to New York from Virginia yesterday — the drive usually takes us, at most, 5.5 hours. Trying to find things to purchase for a child you've never met before, and for an experience you've never had before, is very, very difficult. I'm 32 weeks pregnant today. I can't believe I'm going to be having a child in 5 to 8 weeks.

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This episode is about how proud I am of myself for seeing my mom for the first time in five months, for setting very firm boundaries with her, and having a very difficult, and healing, conversation with her today.

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This episode is about going to Virginia for the first time since December, seeing and speaking to my mom for the first time since February, and all of the grief that is coming up for me. Greg and I drove down today, and we’re currently staying at my cousin’s house in Maryland.

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This episode is about moving trauma as it relates to the immigrant experience, immigrant parents making really narrow-minded, impulsive decisions from a place of fear, stress, and trauma, not being able to say goodbye to the last home your dead parent ever lived in, and the ways that death and grief impact every single family member and the family dynamic.

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The third trimester of pregnancy is f*****g insane. My pregnancy nausea from the first trimester has returned because our child is squishing all of my organs. I have indigestion and acid reflux. I have to eat every hour, or else I'll get nauseous, but I'm nauseous, so I can't eat. And when I do eat, I can hardly eat because there's very little room in my body for my stomach to hold food. I have edema in my feet, ankles, legs, hands, wrists, and arms. My face is bloated from all of the fluid retention. Carpal Tunnel Syndrome?!?!?!? My. hands are numb and tingly 24/7. Walking around feels impossible. IT'S 95 DEGREES OUTSIDE. I have to sleep with an ice pack, and I'm still hot. And I am going to have a child in less than 9 weeks. I'm not ready. Who's ready for something like this? No one. I also need to make my baby registry, plan a baby shower. Yeah, I'm stressed. Women deserve the f*****g world.

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