Stay Soft, Stay Open

I think we, as humans, should allow ourselves to feel our anger, disappointments, and resentments more. These feelings are not worse than joy and gratitude — they are equally as important, and they are just as valuable. In my opinion, the more we push down the feelings that we're uncomfortable with, or the feelings that society has deemed as "bad," the more they build up and explode or come out sideways later down the line. The only way out of our anger is through it. We can't rationalize our way out of our feelings. We can't empathize with the other person who wronged us to get out of our angry feelings. I hope you can give yourself permission to feel angry, and I hope you can feel safe enough to feel resentful. You deserve to feel your feelings.

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I think going to see a psychiatrist should be as normal as seeing your primary care doctor. I saw my psychiatrist yesterday, and it was really helpful. I need to find a new therapist, but I have no energy to do that. I finally got a much-needed haircut. My hair was almost past my butt, my bun was so heavy, and it felt like I was perpetually walking with a heater on my head. And I'm having people over tomorrow for our July Return to 정 Gathering. People are coming from Washington, DC and Pennsylvania, which is wild to me. It feels like this caravanning of Korean diasporic people who are in much need of a community that reflects their identity back to them, and holds space for their stories.

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These summer days are thick with grief. This episode starts with me reading my newsletter about 아빠's birthday. And it ends with me talking about how heavy this grief has been, as I relive 아빠's dying days. June to September, it's been hard, and it will continue to be hard.

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Read the Newsletter Here: https://jieunandgreg.substack.com/p/its-appas-64th-birthday-this-sunday.

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Why do you think some relationships last for decades, and some relationships only last for a couple of years? Why do some relationships last, and some relationships end? Rewatching Twenty-Five Twenty-One made me think about this yesterday. Why have Greg and I stayed together for the last 11 1/2 years? And why did my relationship with the guy I dated right before him only last six months, but technically, one week? I know that the length of time that you stay with someone doesn't always equate to how much you love them. But I guess I'm wondering in the cases of people who love each other, know each other, and are very much a part of each other's lives, how do those couples stay together? How do those relationships withstand the test of time, circumstance, devastation, tragedy, and change? I'd love to know your thoughts on this.

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I listened to the songs we recorded so far this year, and for some strange reason, I felt the desire to listen to the first EP we ever made. It's called Small but Fortunate, under our first band name, the Heartland Nomads. I've barely listened to it since we recorded it back in 2016 because it didn't go the way I wanted it to go at all. But listening back to it, I feel so proud of that Jieun, that Greg, that Andrew, and that EP. That Jieun was brave enough to try. And 35-year-old Jieun is only where she's at today because 26-year-old Jieun decided she would take a big risk and take a chance on her dreams of being a singer. She had to pave this path, and a lot of other factors played into this path getting paved — she absolutely did not do it on her own. But this path was only hers to walk — no one could walk it for her. I'm so incredibly proud of her. And I want to try to be more proud of 35-year-old Jieun today, and I want to try to be less critical and judgmental of her. Because I know 45-year-old Jieun will be proud of her, ten years from now.

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I am really proud of the way that I've been living my life this year — this year after 아빠's death. I am living my life with more courage and freedom, gentleness and kindness. Death changes us. Grief is a messy process, but I think the grieving experience illuminates how the human experience is actually always messy. Grief has given me the freedom to show up on any given day, with whatever I have for the day. Grief has been one of the most powerful teachers of my life. While I would trade in all of these lessons for 아빠's life, I'm thankful for the growth that I have seen out of these ashes. It's a miracle.

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I was asked to be one of the responders for The Faraway Nearby's 2024 Dialogue Project! The Faraway Nearby is a dialogue project that explores various ways the dialogue process unfolds among Asian women artists, fostering feelings of empathy and solidarity. The artists I'm responding to are Jamie Ho and Junli Song, and in their conversation, Jamie and Junli discussed the ways their parents, specifically their mothers, showed them love through acts of care and food. This is an oration of the letter I wrote in response to them. Thank you, The Faraway Nearby, for the honorable opportunity to be a part of this beautiful project.

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Learn more about The Faraway Nearby, Jamie Ho, and Junli Song: https://thefarawaynearby.us/jamie-ho-:-junli-song

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I'm hosting the Return to 정 July Gathering, and I'm excited about getting together again — it's been more than two months since we had one of these gatherings. I might be going to Virginia this month, and I'm feeling anxious about it. I haven't been back since December. Having edema in my hands and feet because of pregnancy reminds me of 아빠.

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July 4th is a holiday for the colonizers, so I don't want to celebrate it anymore. This holiday does not acknowledge the independence the British colonizers stole from the indigenous people who lived here before they arrived. I also hate how holidays make you feel pressure to do something — hang out with people, eat grilled foods, be outside. All of the holidays have been hard since 아빠 died. I do have fond memories of spending this day with my parents in past years. I especially loved the July 4th, 2020, where Greg, 아빠, my mom, and I went to Burke Lake and canoed around the lake. We raced around the lake — Greg and 아빠 always won. My mom faceplanted getting out of the canoe, and 아빠 kept on making fun of her and doing impressions of her falling, which made us all laugh so hard. We ate burgers and hot dogs that Greg made on the grill. We made s'mores. All of these holidays make me miss 아빠.

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I'm currently rewatching the Korean drama series, Twenty-Five Twenty-One. In grief, it's nice to have some comfort items: TV shows, movies, foods, clothes, and activities. Twenty-Five Twenty-One is one of those comfort shows for me. I also like rewatching Korean shows so I can expand my Korean language skills. I particuarly love Twenty-Five Twenty One because of the focus of girls in sports and high school nostalgia. In high school, I competitively practiced 검도 and I absolutely loved it. I love the sounds of the stomping, the feet moving back and forth on the ground, and the sword hitting the practice dummy.

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