Stay Soft, Stay Open

Complex-PTSD and grief are hard things to carry at the same time. When I'm feeling high levels of anxiety and fear, or when I'm feeling triggered, getting out of my mind and into my body is the best thing I can do for myself. Doing small, routine things that I don't have to think too much about helps me slowly make my way out of my overwhelming feelings. Lying in the grass, looking up at the sky, and watching the world go by is incredibly healing.

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Grief lingers. It's sticky. Extra grief-heavy weeks can leave me feeling drained. I know that, even after Father's Day is over, the grief of it will stay with me for the following day, and probably a few days after that. How much sleep I get also heavily dictates where my mental and emotional state is, even if I'm not grieving, but in grief, sleep has a much greater effect on my mental state.

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We recorded our sixth song of the year! And we freaking recorded so early! Today is 16 days before the end of the month! This was the best recording session that we've had so far. I love recording on a Friday. I love recording during the second week of the month. I'm really proud of us for successfully doing this recording, despite the week being difficult for us. And I'm proud of us for recording six songs this year — arguably the most difficult year of my life.

Sidenote: Greg is in this episode eating the weirdest freaking dinner.

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I'm a part of this really cool project, created by St. Clair Detrick-Jules, where immigrants from all over the world share an object that they came to the U.S. with when they immigrated. For my object, I chose my mom's wedding rings. In Korea, at least in my parents' generation and before that, it was customary to give your wife two wedding rings that she would wear together on the same finger. I did some research that I will share on tomorrow's episode! But these rings are precious to me because they became my wedding rings. And 아빠's wedding ring became Greg's. 아빠's cancer, Greg's and my wedding, the pandemic, these rings, and a jewelry store 아저씨 in 한아름, all come together to make a very unique and memorable story about these rings.

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My hands and feet are swelling. My fingers look like Vienna sausages. My rings don't fit anymore, so I've had to reconfigure how I wear my rings. I've pulled out an old ring and started wearing it because it's big enough to fit, when usually it's too big to wear on most of my fingers. The ring is one of my mom's two wedding bands — in Korea, you stack two wedding bands as your wedding ring set.

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This is my first Father's Day without 아빠. Greg and I have made a tentative plan for Father's Day, both honoring him and my dad.

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It took a long time for me to feel comfortable to tell people I was pregnant. It was hard to navigate grieving a death, while creating a life. I had so many complex emotions come up during this grief-pregnancy journey. Also, I remembered the power of slowing down this weekend. When I slow down and look around, I notice everything that's always been there. I see things with new eyes — with clarity. On Saturday, I was amazed by the wind, the trees, the leaves, the sky, and the clouds. I was amazed by the interconnectedness of the world, and how we can't exist without each other.

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I announced my pregnancy via newsletter and Instagram today, and I felt incredibly loved and hugged by all the texts, emails, comments, and messages of kindness and congratulations. Greg and I also had a 삼겹살 party with our friend Aiyana and talked about our families, immigration, and trauma. Today was a really good day. Life is tragic, and it's beautiful, all at once.

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Friendships, Part 2. I used to struggle with a lot of codependence and enmeshment in my relationships and friendships. I used to go after emotionally reserved people, or people who seemed really cool, or people who seemed like they needed help being fixed. I used to do their part in the friendship, along with my part, and carry heavy bitterness and resentment that I didn't discuss with them. These days, I'm learning to let people be who they are and where they are. I'm learning to let people be where they're at. I'm learning to try and not fix or save people. I'm learning to value myself enough to honor my own boundaries, and not do more than I have the capacity to do. My friendships are getting better. I've lost a lot of the unhealthy friendships. I'm maintaining the friendships that are important to me. And I'm building new friendships with people who are willing to reciprocate the effort.

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Up until the age of 30, I erased myself, suppressed myself, and masked myself in friendships. A core belief I had was that, if I showed up fully as myself in my friendships, all my friends would leave me. The shitty reality is that, when I started showing up in my friendships as my full self, a lot of people did leave me. I was too scared to lose those shitty friendships because I believed crumbs were better than starving. But I didn't realize that being full was an option. And I didn't realize how much of me had to die in order to maintain these empty, one-sided, imbalanced friendships. I'm proud of the Jieun who had to erase herself to survive and find belonging. And I'm proud of the Jieun who had the courage to be her whole self.

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