Stay Soft, Stay Open

Happy Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month, friends. 🌼

In honor of this month, for the next 10 days, Greg and I are giving away a free and exclusive gift to every person that joins our Patreon Community.

Between May 21 and May 31, every new subscribing Patreon Member — all tiers included — will receive a dandelion enamel pin made by South Asian American artist, Rubeena Ianigro.

Here’s are the 4 steps to becoming a Patreon Member:

① Go to our Patreon page: patreon.com/jieunandgreg
② Choose a membership tier
③ Enter your payment info and subscribe
④ You’re in! Your dandelion pin is on its way 💌

Become a Patreon Member today.

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I recorded this episode so late because I was working on sending out our newsletter announcing our Patreon AANHPI Heritage Month Special Offer, creating graphics, and sharing the announcement on Instagram. Dandelions hold a lot of meaning to me. I feels like they accurately represent us and our year — resilient, resourceful, and persevering. They miraculously grow out of places that nothing should grow. Out of death, springs new life. Out of devastation, springs beauty.

Get full access to Stay Soft, Stay Open at staysoftstayopen.substack.com/subscribe

Happy Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month, friends. 🌸 For the month of May, I will be fundraising for our salaries on Patreon. If you have benefited from this podcast, our music, my writing, or any other art we've created, we invite you to subscribe and become a Patreon Member today. As independent artists, we heavily rely on the support of our community — that's you. If you believe in us and the work that we're doing, invest in us so we can continue to create meaningful art for years to come. ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg

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Humans need rest! Rest is so hard for me. I burnt myself out and had to pay for it. And I'm still paying for it. I'm learning how to rest and take care of myself better, but over-functioning is a really hard habit to break for me.

Get full access to Stay Soft, Stay Open at staysoftstayopen.substack.com/subscribe

Happy Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month! For the month of May, I will be fundraising for our salaries. If you have benefited from this podcast, our music, my writing, or any other art we've created, we invite you to subscribe and become a Patreon Member today. As independent artists, we heavily rely on the support of our community — that's you. If you believe in us and the work that we're doing, invest in us so we can continue to create meaningful art for years to come. ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg

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I watched a very beautifully filmed documentary short called "Sammy's Final Arrangement," by Oof Stories. You can find the film on Vimeo, and I highly recommend it. He talks about life and death, and how death is a catalyst for life. I don't know if I completely agree, because I think death is also just death. But I do think that being so close to death makes you realize just how short life really is. Some grievers hate flowers — I happen to love them even more in grief. They brought beauty to a really devastating and dark thing that happened to me. I feel like I see so much meaning and beauty in so many things in the aftermath of 아빠's death. I also feel the weight of tragedy and suffering in so many things in the aftermath of 아빠's death. Grief is to constantly live in the tension.

Get full access to Stay Soft, Stay Open at staysoftstayopen.substack.com/subscribe

Happy Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month! For the month of May, I will be fundraising for our salaries. If you have benefited from this podcast, our music, my writing, or any other art we've created, we invite you to subscribe and become a Patreon Member today. As independent artists, we heavily rely on the support of our community — that's you. If you believe in us and the work that we're doing, invest in us so we can continue to create meaningful art for years to come. ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg

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I finally went to the dentist and got my crown placed! But I have to go back because it doesn't fit quite correctly, but I'm basically done, and now I have a tooth where I haven't had a tooth for over a year. In other news, I was able to get a dentist appointment to get work done on this cavity tomorrow, but bad news — it's looking like I'll probably need a freaking root canal. So the dental saga continues. I wish we were like sharks and could constantly regenerate teeth. I think God really messed up in their design of us. And I think evolutionarily, it just makes sense to have humans, and all animals, regenerate teeth. We have to use our teeth all the time!

Get full access to Stay Soft, Stay Open at staysoftstayopen.substack.com/subscribe

Happy Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month! For the month of May, I will be fundraising for our salaries. If you have benefited from this podcast, our music, my writing, or any other art we've created, we invite you to subscribe and become a Patreon Member today. As independent artists, we heavily rely on the support of our community — that's you. If you believe in us and the work that we're doing, invest in us so we can continue to create meaningful art for years to come. ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg

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My final appointment at the dentist for the freaking dental implant is TOMORROW — at 8:30 in the morning. I am so tired. I went to Asian Comedy Fest yesterday to see Youngmi Mayer. I saw Chewy May there and we caught up — we performed together back in May 2021 and connected on our shared experiences with cancer. On Saturday and Sunday, I'm going to the Asian Creative Festival to get inspired, connect with other artists, and finally meet my friend and filmmaker Zach Han. He is debuting his short film, Piano Practice, at the Asian Creative Festival, and we will be meeting for the first time, after connecting over Instagram last July. We connected over cancer when 아빠's health was declining rapidly, and we've been friends ever since. Please pray that I somehow find the energy to make it through the rest of this week and weekend. I hate how chaotic May feels.

Get full access to Stay Soft, Stay Open at staysoftstayopen.substack.com/subscribe

In honor of Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month, for the month of May, I will be fundraising for our salaries. If you have benefited from this podcast, our music, my writing, or any other art we've created, we invite you to subscribe and become a Patreon Member today. As independent artists, we heavily rely on the support of our community — that's you. If you believe in us and the work that we're doing, invest in us so we can continue to create meaningful art for years to come. ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg

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The grocery store dilemma continues. I went back to Trader Joe's for the first time in a few months, and I felt like I was going back to an ex-boyfriend, after moving onto a new boyfriend. I think we might go back to Trader Joe's, but I'm not totally certain. Also, at the end, I've included a *hilarious* clip that you definitely need to listen to. Three words: Mini horse kittens.

Get full access to Stay Soft, Stay Open at staysoftstayopen.substack.com/subscribe

In honor of Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month, for the month of May, I will be fundraising for our artist salaries. If you have benefited from this podcast, our music, my writing, or any other art we've created, we invite you to become a Patreon Member today. As independent artists, we heavily rely on the support of our community — that's you. If you believe in us and the work that we're doing, invest in us so we can continue to create meaningful art for years to come. ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg

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Mother's Day weekend hit me hard. The grief of Mother's Day can't be felt without thinking about 아빠. But there's so much grief with 엄마, too, because 아빠 died. The whole family structure shifted when 아빠 died — the relationship I had with my mom changed after he died. We got her a dozen red roses and a cake — now it's up to Greg and me to carry out the Mother's Day traditions that 아빠 used to do for my mom. I'm proud of myself for processing and alchemizing my grief though writing and sending out a newsletter. I'm proud of myself for giving myself the space to have a complicated Mother's Day.

Get full access to Stay Soft, Stay Open at staysoftstayopen.substack.com/subscribe

In honor of Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month, for the month of May, I will be fundraising for our artist salaries. If you have received support or comfort from this podcast, or any other art we've created, we invite you to become a Patreon Member today. As independent artists, we heavily rely on the support of our community — that's you. If you believe in us and the work that we're doing, invest in us so we can continue to create meaningful art for years to come. ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg

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As Mother's Day comes closer and closer, I feel the anticipatory grief of the day getting more and more intense. There needs to be a manual for grief — someone needs to tell you all of the things you need to know once your dad dies. Someone needs to tell you that Mother's Day will be difficult for you because you will miss all of the things he would do for your mom, like buy her a dozen red roses and a cake. Someone needs to tell you that you will grieve the way he would lift your mom's spirits with his jokes, his laughter, and his general upbeat and lively personality and energy — he was really good at seeing the brighter side of things. Someone needs to tell you that you will grieve the FaceTime call you would get from him where he'd wish you a Happy Mother's Day, even though you weren't a mother. Someone needs to tell you that you'll miss his accent and the way he would say Happy Mother's Day — "해피 마더스데이!" Someone needs to tell you that you will miss every smile, every moment, every laugh, every sound, of your 아빠, because you will never get it back. Someone needs to tell you these things. Someone needs to tell me these things. So I guess I'm telling me. And I'm telling you, too. We're not alone on this complicated Mother's Day.

Get full access to Stay Soft, Stay Open at staysoftstayopen.substack.com/subscribe

In honor of Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month, for the month of May, I will be fundraising for our artist salaries. If you have received support or comfort from this podcast, or any other art we've created, we invite you to become a Patreon Member today. As independent artists, we heavily rely on the support of our community — that's you. If you believe in us and the work that we're doing, invest in us so we can continue to create meaningful art for years to come. ⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg

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I had a big grief wave hit me after I recorded yesterday's podcast episode. I was surprised by it, but this is the nature of grief. Grief has no shape, it has no one road it travels on. It ebbs and flows, it bounces around, it slows down, and it ramps back up. Mother's Day coming up is surprisingly bringing up a lot of grief for me this week, because of the state of my relationship with my mom, but also because
아빠 isn't here to do the things he would do for my mom on Mother's Day. He would buy her a dozen red roses and a cake — he can't do that anymore. These special days will continue to bring waves of grief. Last Sunday was 어린이날 (Children's Day) and yesterday, Wednesday, was 어버이날 (Parents' Day). And May is a month where Koreans celebrate family. I never grew up celebrating these Korean holidays, but it made me think about how my parents celebrated 어린이날 and 어버이날 when they were kids, into adulthood, before immigrating to America. So much was lost in immigration. So much is lost in death. This week is extra grief-filled, and it makes complete sense.

Get full access to Stay Soft, Stay Open at staysoftstayopen.substack.com/subscribe

In honor of Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month, for the month of May, I will be fundraising for our artist salaries. If you have received support or comfort from this podcast, or any other art we've created, we invite you to become a Patreon Member today. As independent artists, we heavily rely on the support of our community — that's you. If you believe in us and the work that we're doing, invest in us so we can continue to create meaningful art for years to come. ⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg

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Yesterday and today felt like summer. Every time the seasons change, I'm reminded of 아빠. I feel more grief-heavy, I feel more depressed. I've noticed that it has happened with every season change since he died. The summer will be especially difficult because this time last year was the most traumatic summer of my life. My dad started dying last summer. I'm stressed about Mother's Day. I'm stressed about having to go down to Virginia in a couple months. I'm stressed about having to start talking to my mom at some point. The death of my dad is still heavy, but I feel like I'm supposed to be "more over it" at this point, which is a judgment and isn't true, but it's how I feel.

Get full access to Stay Soft, Stay Open at staysoftstayopen.substack.com/subscribe