Stay Soft, Stay Open

In honor of Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month, for the month of May, I will be fundraising for our artist salaries. If you have received support or comfort from this podcast, or any other art we've created, we invite you to become a Patreon Member today. As independent artists, we heavily rely on the support of our community — that's you. If you believe in us and the work that we're doing, invest in us so we can continue to create meaningful art for years to come. ⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg

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I'm a part of a neighborhood Facebook group, and lately, wealthy, privileged, white women have been in the group asking for cheaper Thai food, cheaper nails, and a cheap transcendental foot and leg massage. I've had to say something because I can't just let these women say this s**t. But I also hate that I have to say anything, and I hate that these women don't see Asian service industry workers as human beings. They are not your servants — they are human beings who are trying to make a livable wage and survive in this capitalist, garbage country, while serving your privileged ass. What kind of world are we living in where the Met Gala — a place where rich people come to show off their opulence — is held the same night that bombs are dropped on children, women, and men — human beings — in Rafah? Art is supposed to say something that matters. Art is supposed to challenge the status quo. Art is meant to be a resistance. I want to live in a better world. This is not it.

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In honor of Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month, for the month of May, I will be fundraising for our artist salaries. If you have received support or comfort from this podcast or any other art we've created, we invite you to become a Patreon Member today. As independent artists, we heavily rely on the support of our community (that's you!). If you believe in us and the work that we're doing, invest in us so we can continue to create meaningful art for years to come. ⁠https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg

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I need to rest! The last week and a half were absolutely insane, and I hit a wall on Sunday, after everything I did, socially, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I have a hard time acknowledging or accepting my limitations and capacity. I'm getting better at it, but it's still a personal struggle of mine.

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In honor of Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month, for the month of May, I will be fundraising for our artist salaries. If you have received support or comfort from this podcast or any other art we've created, we invite you to become a Patreon Member today. As independent artists, we heavily rely on the support of our community (that's you!). If you believe in us and the work that we're doing, invest in us so we can continue to create meaningful art for years to come. https://www.patreon.com/jieunandgreg

Greg and I are hosting the May Return to 정 Gathering, and I'm both really nervous and really excited about it. I also can't believe that I'm in a place where I want to invite people into my home. I've come a long way over these last seven months. We're going to eat together and share stories with one another. I'm excited to share Korean food together, while sitting on the floor in our living room. I'm excited to cut fruit for the people who come over. I'm really proud of myself.

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The saga of my dental implant continues. I had a really good conversation with my friend Sonny today. We've known each other since 2012, since I was 23 years old. We met in Los Angeles, working for Liberty in North Korea together. We lived together for six months. We lived in a van together for ten weeks. He's been a brother to me throughout the last 12 years. I'm so grateful to have him in my life as a steady, consistent friend. He reminds me of who I was in my 20s — adventurous, passionate, idealistic, brave. I feel transported back to those sparkly days in Harbor City, in the intern house, hanging out and having conversations until late into the evening. Those days of living without really having to think about adult things. Those character-forming days of my 20s. 20s Jieun paved the way for 30s Jieun. I'm in awe of my past selves, my past lives. It was messy, it was imperfect, it was painful, and it was beautiful.

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I feel like I'm in bloom. I serendipitously, 인연스럽게, ran into my old friend from elementary school — Cardinal Forest Elementary in Springfield, Virginia! — while Greg and I were coming out of the train station to go to Duane Reade. She was holding up her Citibike, Greg and I were standing on the crosswalk and sidewalk, and we caught up for an hour on all the years of life lived, on the corner of Flatbush and Park. I felt transported back to my elementary school days, Springfield, and the way that place formed, broke, and built us. I just could not believe that a slice of my past life was being recreated 30 years later on the streets of Brooklyn. What kind of magic is this? I invited her to be a part of the Return to Jeong group. We took a photo and it just blew my mind, that all these years later, here we are, together again. I feel like I'm finding my way back to myself, but I also feel like a renewed, new self. I feel like I'm being resurrected from the ashes of these last four years. I feel so much more like me than I've felt in a really long time. I missed Jieun. But I also really like this new Jieun. I am incredible proud of myself, and all the work that's gone into forming this incredible woman — me.

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We released our fourth song of the year and I can't freaking believe it!!! "Prospect Park" is available on bandcamp now — listen to it and buy your own personal copy today: https://jieunandgreg.bandcamp.com/track/prospect-park.

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I am floored at the fact that we've actually recorded a song every month. I'm also floored by the fact that I've been recording a freaking podcast episode every day (minus the weekends) for the last four f*****g months. This podcast has been immensely helpful to me in my grief. Recording these monthly songs is a direct product of recording this daily podcast. I have shown myself what I'm capable of, even in the midst of the literal hardest season of my life. I am immensely proud of myself. I am immensely proud of Greg. And I am immensely proud of us. We are surviving. We are persisting. We are fighting. We are enduring. We are still f*****g here.

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The massive wave of grief hit me the day after the 7-month anniversary of 아빠's death. My grief is shifting and I feel myself feeling more like myself. I kind of miss the old grief because I felt more connected to 아빠. The old grief felt comfortable — this new grief feels foreign and distant. I've been feeling an unexpected anger towards 아빠 lately. The anger is coming from a place of feeling like he's the reason that I've been suffering so much. It feels wrong to be angry at someone for dying. I'm stressed about releasing our fourth song of the year tomorrow. But we'll get it done. This grief is heavy, but I'm still surviving.

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Today is the 7-month anniversary of 아빠's death. I had my psychiatry appointment, I trained to Long Island City to eat dinner with Greg at Mokja (he drove). I ate 돼지불고기 and Greg got 물 냉면, and they were both really good. Then we went to 한아름, got a bunch of groceries, sat in the H-Mart parking lot, drank our drinks, ate our snacks, and drove home. Today was the least difficult death anniversary out of all of them, which feels both feels good and sad. I feel myself feeling more like myself, and that comes with its own grief. But ultimately, I am grateful to be feeling more like myself.

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We successfully recorded our fourth song of the year! We recorded it in two days instead of one, and we recorded it a whole week early! Woohoo, progress! This song is called, "Prospect Park." I wrote it in April 2020, only a month into the pandemic when everything was shut down, while going on my daily morning walk around Prospect Park. I was surprised by how difficult this song was to record — I thought it was going to get progressively easier with each song we recorded. But I think each song has a life of its own. Tomorrow is the 7-month anniversary of 아빠's passing. We're going to 한아름 (H-Mart) tomorrow to eat dinner at the newly opened food court and to do our monthly Korean food shopping. It will be a hard day. But I will survive it.

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As a Korean American woman, an immigrant, and a child of immigrants, failure has never felt like an option. This drove me to be perfectionistic — my worth was tied to how well I performed in everything I ever did. Whenever I made every mistake, I didn't feel like I had failed — I felt like I was a failure. I have been trying to heal this part of myself, give myself space to fail, even if I'm in my 30s and it feels impermissible to fail "at this age." I'm learning to take pride in who I am, and I'm learning to look at my failures with a more true perspective, instead of hyper-focusing on them and warping the whole image. I am learning how to be proud of myself, even for the seemingly "littlest" things. I'm proud of you, 지은.

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