Stay Soft, Stay Open

Grief comes up when the seasons change. Grief comes up when I change my winter clothes out for my summer clothes. Grief comes up when I clean my apartment. Grief comes up on the first warm day of the year. Grief comes up when so many people are out on the streets, living life and enjoying themselves. Grief comes up before I go to sleep. Grief comes up in my dreams. Grief comes up when I wake up in the morning. Grief lives with me. Grief is the life partner I never asked for. Grief is the lifetime-roommate I never wanted.

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Last Friday, there was an earthquake. Today, there was a solar eclipse — total in some places, but not in New York City. And yesterday, I cleaned our bedroom and our closets and figured out how to store a bike in the freaking closet. When you live in New York City, finding storage space and finding more efficient ways to store your stuff will make your freaking day.

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The struggle to sleep continues — but last night was the first night in a while that I was able to sleep through the night, even with a middle-of-the-night wake-up, so that's a win. I'm trying to have a better nighttime and sleep routine, so I tried sleeping earlier last night, I stayed off all screens 30 minutes before bed, I put my sleep mask on, and I counted sheep.

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In New York City, things that should be convenient — like grocery shopping and laundry — are the most inconvenient things that cause a legitimate amount of stress, in a city that's already pretty stressful. Today, we did our first full grocery run at Whole Foods in Park Slope — with an outdoor parking lot! And holy s**t, it was a dream. When life is hard, not having to stress the f**k out about groceries is really nice.

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Even though I needed to lose all the friends that I lost over the last four years, it doesn't change the fact that I also have to grieve all of those losses. When I needed some of my friends the most, they left me. I struggled, and I still struggle, with internalizing the situation as somehow my fault, or that something must be wrong with me for my friends to leave me in my greatest time of need. But upon hearing the stories of other cancer fighters and caregivers, I came to realize that shitty friends leaving you in your greatest time of need is, unfortunately, very normal. The lowest moments in your life are the testing ground for relationships — can this relationship withstand the hardest storm? Not all of them will. And there's a grief to that, even if there's also a relief to it.

Sidenote: On April 4, I recorded this episode first, but it felt too vulnerable to share at the time — it felt too unsafe to share at the time — so I didn't. I recorded another episode that felt safer and released that. I was about to delete this one, but I re-listened to it this morning (on December 14) and I loved it, so I wanted to share it. I hope it resonates with you.

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I feel enraged by the lack of support for grievers in the aftermath of a death that shattered their worlds. I feel enraged by our society's avoidance and fear of acknowledging and engaging with death. I feel enraged by how much attention is given to birth, and how little attention is given to death. I feel enraged by how much is expected of grievers disturbingly soon after they witnessed someone die right before their very eyes. I feel enraged by anyone asking grievers for anything, as if they have the capacity to give you anything when they just lost everything. I feel enraged by the number of people who will walk out of your life when you have nothing to give them anymore because they no longer see the value in you. I need people who are dying to have more dignified deaths. I need grievers to have more dignified bereavements.

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We released our March song of the month, "Blue Skies," on Sunday! I am incredibly proud of us. It's been really hard to follow through on our commitment to record a song every month of the year, but with some courage, vulnerability, and a lot of intentionality, we've done it every month so far. Recording this podcast every day has been a really helpful tool during the hardest time of my life. It's been my safe space to process my messy emotions. It's been a constant, even when I didn't want it to be. I hope you all like our newest release: "Blue Skies."

Listen to and Purchase "Blue Skies": ⁠https://jieunandgreg.bandcamp.com/track/blue-skies⁠

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Greg's in this episode, but you mostly hear him eating pizza, ASMR-style. Tonight, I was a part of the first listening session, collaboratively hosted by Asian American Arts Alliance and Bang & Olufsen! I hung out with four other incredible Asian American artists — singers, songwriters, flautists, guitarists, pianists, and musical composers. I got to listen to our songs: Together Apart, Always, This Body, Brooklyn, and Blue Skies — which we just released yesterday! It was an incredible experience to hear our songs on super high-quality speakers, in community with other Asian American artists. It was especially cool to listen to our monthly songs on those speakers. I felt really proud of us.

Listen to and Purchase "Blue Skies": https://jieunandgreg.bandcamp.com/track/blue-skies

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We recorded our song of the month! Song #3, done! It almost didn't happen because we've both been sick for over a week, but we did it, and I'm proud of us, even if we had to record it three days before the end of the month. Actually, that's one day earlier than the last two months, so progress!

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I'm finally starting to feel better! AND MY DRIVER'S LICENSE WITH MY NEW PICTURE AND NEW LEGAL NAME FINALLY CAME IN THE MAIL! I was worried about looking bad in the photo, but I look beautiful. And I'm actually really glad I had to take a new picture because it represents who Jieun Ko is. I look sophisticated. I look deep. I look strong. I look firmly rooted in who I am. This photo represents all that I've been through over these last four years — cancer, death, so much loss, and grief. I see so much pain in this photo, but I also see an immense amount of strength. Seeing my driver's license reminds me of the long road I've been on to being Jieun and becoming Jieun — it started in 2021, and we are still on this journey, but in 2024, I got my driver's license to officially reflect back to me exactly who I am: Jieun Ko. I FEEL AMAZING! I feel so proud of myself.

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