Stay Soft, Stay Open

I really wish I could be a wizard or a witch and *bibbity-bobbity-boo* all of my annoying chores. I wish teleportation was a real thing. I wonder if I need these superhuman powers because I live in New York City, where things like groceries, laundry, dishwashing, getting from one place to another, and generally existing is so much more inconvenient here than in other places? I miss Laundry City. I miss my apartment from when I was 22 years old that they're in the process of gut-renovating. I hate the sounds of construction. Why do I live here again? Haha, just kidding. Sort of. We love New York, we hate New York. <3

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I feel my depression lifting, my grief becoming easier to carry, and I feel both relieved and sad about it. I feel like the weather, the medication, and my own spirit are moving me into a new season of grief, where I can also experience joy and hope. I feel like I'm carrying my grief more skillfully. I feel more comfortable showing up in spaces with my grief. It doesn't feel like a scarlet letter anymore — it feels like a part of me, like an arm or a leg. My grief will continue to change, and I will continue to change. As someone who has become terrified of change in my 30s, I'm remembering that change can also be a great thing.

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I went to the Asian Boss Girl Meet-Up and I had a really good time. I met up with someone from the Return to Jeong group and we both found out we're from Northern Virginia, and even went to the same church. I'm learning how to carry my grief with me wherever I go — I'm learning how to weave it into my conversations with people. And my comfort with my grief makes me feel less stressed over socializing because I can just be fully me. I was reminded tonight how much I truly am an extrovert, and connecting with others really energizes me, even though it also drains me. Someone from ECAASU 2020 recognized me at the event, and that felt really nice. I recognized her, too, because her student organization was so pumped to meet us. It was just a really good experience, and I'm really glad I went, and that I'm finding a way to survive, despite all that I've been through. I feel like a phoenix rising from the ashes. It feels like a miracle to be where I'm at right now.

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I got my oral surgery done this morning for my dental implant, and it could've definitely been worse, but I also hate going to the dentist and getting any work done. I also hate how entrenched in the patriarchy Korea has been for so many generations. Growing up, my mom told me that when women gave birth to boys, they would have a celebration, but when women gave birth to girls, they would cry. This is the type of society that my mom grew up in, and then she passed this self-hatred and internalized sexism and really harmful thoughts onto me. It's true that being a woman in the world is difficult — but instead of wishing that less women were born, I want to live in a world where being a woman in the world is not difficult. I want to live in a world where being a woman is celebrated, respected, and honored, in all the ways that it should be. I don't want women to feel the pressure to be perfect, or to fit into such a restrictive box of expectations and impossible standards. I want us to just be allowed to exist.

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I'm getting oral surgery for a dental implant tomorrow morning. I'm also going to the Asian Boss Girl New York City Meet-Up on Friday. Throughout my life, for most of my life, I have struggled with deep insecurities of not feeling feminine enough. I'm trying to retrain my brain to know and believe that I am feminine enough. That I could literally do anything, and that thing would be feminine — because I am a woman.

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On Sunday, we had our third Return to Jeong gathering and it was the best one yet! We shared food, we talked about identity, and we shared our different perspectives on our own Korean American experiences, as immigrants, first generation Korean Americans, transracial adoptees, descendants of Korean adoptees, and biracial Koreans. This community is something that I've needed for such a long time. I love how committed everyone is to learning and growing together. If you're Korean and you live in the New York City / Northeast area, come to one of our monthly Return to Jeong gatherings.

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I met with my grief group — in person! — for the second time on Saturday! We're trying to meet monthly, in addition to our biweekly virtual calls. We did this one potluck style at one of our grief friends' apartments. Greg came and got to meet all my grief friends for the first time. He said, "I loved how you all were able to weave grief in and out of your conversations so seamlessly. This is how it should be in all spaces." Grief should feel comfortable to talk about in all spaces. I'm hoping that, the more we talk about it, the more we can normalize talking about death and grief in other spaces, too.

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Greg and I bought and built an IKEA Stall shoe cabinet today. Maybe that doesn't sound that exciting to you, but I have been looking for a shoe storage solution for our apartment since 2022, after I sold our last shoe storage situation. I have bought and returned so many shoe racks and cabinets. I have done so much shoe storage research. Living in New York means having limited space. Living in New York means feeling excited when you finally figure out a shoe storage solution.

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I went on my morning walk! Whenever I feel proud of myself for doing something that's difficult for me or new to me, I simultaneously feel shame. The inner critic goes, "Why should you be proud of yourself for doing the smallest, most insignificant thing? Walking? Anyone can do that. Do you want a cookie? You should've been walking this whole time. You're lazy, you have no discipline, and you're not taking good enough care of your body, and that's why you haven't been walking. You should feel ashamed of yourself — not proud." This voice is there because it's been there since I was a kid. It has to do with how I was raised. But I'm learning to be the parent that I didn't get — the parent that I needed. I'm learning how to be proud of myself, even with shame barreling through, coming in so loudly. So, I'm proud of you, 지은.

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I'm going to try to reincorporate my morning walks into my daily routine again. My morning walks are my favorite way to start my day — listening to a podcast, walking around Prospect Park, and taking in all the scenes of nature. I'm also going to try to make 깍두기 and 무채 with the two giant 무 I bought from H-Mart a couple weeks ago. I've been incorporating more cooking, and Korean cooking, into our weekly rhythms, but these 무 are just sitting in the back of our refrigerator. I'm going to try to make something out of them.

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