Stay Soft, Stay Open

The massive grief wave of the 6-month anniversary hit me at 11:30 pm last night. We sang "happy birthday" in English and Korean to Gamja because it was her fourth birthday yesterday, and that's what opened the floodgates for me. It reminded me of all the traumatic birthdays we, as a family, had to endure last year. This was the first time singing "happy birthday" to someone since my mom's birthday, which was the day after 아빠 died. I created an Instagram post to commemorate 6 months without 아빠. I wept scrolling through pictures on his phone. I wept thinking about all the ways that I miss him. I woke up crying, weeping, wailing. Greg sat with me through my tears. He is the greatest partner I could have ever asked for. Crying all those tears felt like a draining of all the pent-up grief from the last month of feeling too overwhelmed to engage with it.

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Today, Tuesday, March 26, 2024, marks 6 months without 아빠. I'm sick so I slept a lot. I took a COVID test and it was negative. We didn't go to the driving range in Queens. But I did still want to go to Hanareum (H-Mart), so we decided we'd still do that. We talked about how going to H-Mart could be my way of observing every month's death anniversary. We talked about how going to H-Mart could be a way for me to connect with 아빠 and myself. We talked about how eating Korean food lately has felt incredibly healing for me. For dinner, we ate twigim mandu, samgyupssal, and sullungtang at Taste Korea 232. We drove to Hanareum in Long Island City and got all the comfort foods and snacks. We ate some snacks in the car, while parked in the parking deck, looking at the New York City night skyline. And then we drove home. Today, I felt grief and sadness. But I also felt joy, hope, and excitement. That was a gift from 아빠.

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I am still sick. I hate how my parents never gave me space to be sick, and I hate that they never gave themselves space to be sick. I hate that occupation, war, and trauma caused them to be stuck in a lifetime of survival mode. I hate that that trauma was passed down to me, through them. I wish that immigrants had more privileges and opportunities. I wish that healthcare was not a privilege for the rich, but a right for all humankind. Being sick is reminding me of all the injustices that the Korean people have had to endure for generations and generations. I am trying to break the cycle.

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I almost forgot to record this episode today. That's how disoriented I feel, from continued sleep deprivation, struggling with a cold, and adjusting to taking medication. I literally got out of bed — after trying to fall asleep for an hour — to record this episode.

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I have a cold. I hate being sick — I really struggle with being sick, validating that I'm sick, and taking care of myself when I'm sick. I also started taking Zoloft three weeks ago after being off of anxiety and depression medication for a year — and that is the culprit of my insomnia.

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Grief makes sleeping so much more difficult, which is shitty because grievers need sleep. Intrusive thoughts, memories, and a brain and body filled with grief — love with nowhere to go. The struggle to sleep continues, but last night was better than the night before.

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Human beings need sleep. I don't know how I functioned at such a high level in my 20s on such little sleep, but in my 30s, I cannot function without sleep. Also, my gums hurt so much from over-flossing. These are a few of the impacts of aging on this human body.

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Cleaning my space makes such a massive impact on my mental health. I was reminded of that on Sunday. The thought of cleaning my space felt massive, daunting, overwhelming, and impossible, to the point where I could not engage with it. But by dealing with the mess one task at a time, those tasks added up, and I had a much cleaner space. And I think this concept can be applied to life, too. Things feel impossible sometimes, and we get overwhelmed. But we just have to take things one step at a time, and slowly but surely, we can rebuild.

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Grief doesn't end. It doesn't get easier either. It's a constant ebb and flow of sadness, anger, regret, and frustration. I think it's an injustice that we have to live with grief, from the moment we lose someone until the day that we die. That feels like an injustice.

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I have more thoughts on Avatar: The Last Airbender and how much I love the show.

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