Stay Soft, Stay Open

I recently started watching Avatar: The Last Airbender — I only started watching the show because it's an all-Asian cast. But as someone who is not a fan of fantasy or science fiction, this show is making me a believer.

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The seasons changing reminds me of 아빠. Ever since he died, every seasonal change has brought so much grief — summer to fall, fall to winter, and now, winter to spring. I think about what he would be doing if he were still here. I think about what we would be doing together if he were still here. The seasonal changes is a reminder of the passage of time — time I no longer get to spend with 아빠.

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I hate Daylight Savings Time. Socializing in grief is exhausting. I'm proud of myself for trying.

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I'm really grateful for solid friends who can create space for all of me — my joy, my sadness, my grief, my disappointment, my anger.

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I want to learn how to cook Korean food this year, but I hate cooking. I don't want the taste of home to disappear.

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The unrealistic and racist Korean and American beauty standards forced upon Korean American women are an injustice to all women. F**k every person who ever told me my nose was flat, my face was flat, my head was big, or my body was fat.

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Greg and I slept in our bed and our bedroom for the first time last night. It was our first time sleeping in our bed and our bedroom since July of last year, since 아빠 died, since my mom slept in it for the last four months. And I am feeling massive grief. The grief is always there, like a constant hum in the background of my life. But there are times where it builds and grows, and eventually releases. That was today, while recording this episode.

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I'm experiencing the effects of burnout today. I can't bounce back like I used to in my 20s.

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Greg and I are going to learn our lesson from this experience and January's experience — we are not going to plan, record, and release a song in three days. I am exhausted today. I'm meeting with 4 people from my grief group tomorrow in person, and I am so incredibly excited about it. I can't wait to hug them. I can't wait to share the same physical space together. These women, along with the other members of my grief group, have helped me through these last three months of grieving 아빠. I am so grateful for their friendship.

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We did it! We recorded and released our second song of the year. The song is called "Brooklyn," and it's a song to remind you of your old self, a song to remind you that love is real. Go listen to it now, buy yourself a copy and support the artists (us), and tell us what you think: https://jieunandgreg.bandcamp.com/track/brooklyn.

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