Stay Soft, Stay Open

This episode is about moving the podcast from Spotify to Substack, the emotional and physical difficulties I faced in moving the podcast over, and how moving the podcast felt a lot like moving homes.

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Get full access to Stay Soft, Stay Open at staysoftstayopen.substack.com/subscribe

This episode is about my weekend, going on a run, waking up early, and reminding myself I can do hard things.

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This episode is about my right inner ear still being clogged, going to Urgent Care, and getting antibiotics. Being sick is a massive C-PTSD trigger for me. I have a lot of medical anxiety. My ear being clogged is reminding me of 아빠 losing his hearing in his right ear during his cancer battle. My inner bully gets really loud when I’m sick or in pain. I struggle to go to the doctor. And then when I go, then I blame myself for not going sooner. There has to be empathy for my struggles, my weaknesses, and my mistakes. I’m proud of myself for going to the doctor.

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This episode is about the 제주 4·3 사건, the Jeju Uprising and Massacre. The Jeju Uprising was an uprising on Jeju Island from April 3, 1948 to May 13, 1949. Over the course of that year, 30,000 to 60,000 people were killed by Korean officials. The people who were killed were mostly women. Stigmatized as “communists,” the people of Jeju faced scorched-earth operations designed to kill them. A scorched-earth policy is a military strategy of destroying everything that allows an enemy military force to be able to fight a war, including the deprivation and destruction of water, food, humans, animals, plants and any kind of tools and infrastructure. You can read along with my reading by swiping through the post below, courtesy of Korean Culture Center of New York.

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This episode is about the masterpiece that is 폭싹 속았수다 (When Life Gives You Tangerines) and how many tears it’s pulling out of my soul. I cried so hard, blew my nose, and that resulted in the clogging of my inner ear. And now I feel like I’m constantly under water.

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This episode is about my internal bully and how mean she is. I feel like this voice is a chorus of voices from my past. It’s also about how the podcast has been stressing me out — recording, uploading, releasing.

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This episode is about doing another weekly meeting with Greg and discussing our goals, accomplishments, finances, and schedules, and the difficulties of working while simultaneously taking care of a baby.

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This episode is about strollers — so much stroller talk. Strollers are so f*****g expensive and there are a million different types of strollers out there. There are multiple stroller retailers, and a bunch of people have stroller and baby gear YouTube channels. In this episode, I also talk about the Asian American Art Club gathering I led — padding our vulnerability, walk clubs.

Again, sorry for Gamja’s mouth sounds around the 15-minute mark, hahahahah why is it so loud!?!

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This episode is about trying to continue going to therapy with my therapist in a clinical, sterile environment, with a therapist and a setting that aren’t good fits. I talk about journaling, acai bowls, and evening walks in the park with Haejoon.

The weird mouth sounds in the background around the 6-minute mark is Gamja, hahahah sorry, but also, it’s hilarious!

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