Stay Soft, Stay Open

This episode is about the 1½-year anniversary of 아빠's death. I have lived 18 months without 아빠. We went to 한아름. It was our first time back since June 2024 and the new food court had been built. Signs from 아빠: the 할아버지 on the elevator who was smiling at 해준, 순대 and 족발, literally crying in H-Mart, a 한아름 employee who reminded me of 아빠. We ate 짜장면 and 탕수육, with an extra side of 면. We bought a few food items. I did DDR. We drank our drinks and ate 떡 in the parking lot, while looking at the New York City skyline, remembering 아빠. It was hard to go. It was hard to engage with my grief. I’m glad we went. I miss 아빠 a lot. This is how I keep 아빠 and his memory alive.

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This episode is about how doing a million things is my own form of avoidance. I have a really hard time sitting with my feelings. I’m also noticing myself blaming myself for getting sick again. “Maybe if I had rested, I wouldn’t have gotten sick again?” I want to be in control of this cold and I’m not. Therapy with my current therapist feels like fingernails on my eyeballs, nails on a chalkboard.

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This episode is about getting sick again, or getting a new cold? Recovering is a lot harder when you have to take care of a baby. Newton’s law of physics: every action has an equal and opposite reaction. I want to start a walk club. Whenever Greg goes to teach lessons at night, I feel trapped at home. I want to build community, meet my neighbors, walk the park, and get outside.

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This episode is about going to my first Yu & Me Books No/Pen Mic, bringing Haejoon, reading a newsletter on stage, and crying. I looked like a beast going up and down the stairs with Haejoon, all my stuff, and the stroller unfolded.

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This episode is about going back to my therapist after terminating with her a month ago, and not feeling great about it, but also not feeling like not being in therapy is a good option for me right now. It’s really important for me to count the little wins on my hard days.

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This episode is about going to Asian American Arts Alliance’s Town Hall: Poetry, feeling inspired by the first speaker and poet, Taiyo Na, and spontaneously deciding to share my letter I wrote for The Faraway Nearby. I also shared about Asian American Art Club and connected with really interesting Asian American artists.

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This episode is about the difficulties of physically, mentally, and emotionally transitioning back to New York from Virginia.

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This episode is about 엄마 accidentally spilling coffee on all of Haejoon’s freshly laundered clothes and his play mat, and how I went from resentment and anger to grief, regret, and gratitude. Coffee on clothes doesn’t matter, and I wish I didn’t get angry at my parents throughout my life whenever they made mistakes. How many of my spills did 엄마 clean up? How many of my mistakes did 엄마 forgive me for without an apology? 폭싹 속았t수다 makes me weep because it reminds me of my relationship with 엄마 and 아빠.

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This episode is about still being sick, driving down to Virginia, and sounding like absolute hell. Greg is sick and Haejoon is sick, too. The whole family is sick.

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This episode is about how I struggle a lot when I’m sick. I think about my childhood. I think about 엄마 and 아빠. I think about 아빠 being sick. When I’m sick, I intensely feel the childlike feeling of needing my parents to take care of me.

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