Stay Soft, Stay Open

This episode is about holding another Asian American Art Club meeting. I love meeting and talking about life, art, practice, discipline, rest, and technology. This is my artist support group. Meeting in person is rejuvenating. I miss the days of dial-up. Art is life translated?

I am still struggling to rest. “When I’m hungry, I eat. But when I’m tired, I do not rest.”

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This episode is about how I struggle to rest. Working feels good, resting feels bad. Immigrants worked themselves into the ground to survive. The brain and body need to communicate, but when we are burnt out, they can’t communicate and the brain stem is driving the car.

I wish our parents felt safe enough to rest. I wish I felt safe enough to rest.

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This episode is about talking to my best friend Andrew, and how sometimes our friends can see us more clearly than we can see ourselves. He said, “You’re a person whose reputation precedes you.” I need to remember this.

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This episode is about holding another Asian American Art Club Meeting. I love this community I’m building.

What is perception and what is reality? Were our parents proud of us? Yes — it's complicated. How do we define success? What are our dreams? What is suffering? I can’t live with the suffering that comes with working a corporate job and making more money for people who don’t need more money. I can’t live with the suffering that comes with assimilation.

My dream is living a life that I love living. I don’t want to wipe more butts than I have to wipe. There are no perfect days. We have to do things that we don’t want to do in this life. At the end, I read a poem called, "Jieun's First Audition."

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I did something I have never done before. I cannot believe I did it. I recorded an audition tape. I took headshots. And I submitted my audition tape and headshots for an open casting call for a film! WHO AM I?!

This episode is about the magic of community, art, taking risks, having courage, and doing new things.

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In this episode, I read another poem I wrote called, “His Voice Lives on in Mine.” The poem was deeply inspired by a conversation between Lissa Soep and Carissa Potter on Carissa Potter’s podcast, Bad at Keeping Secrets.

This episode is about 아빠’s last words to me, and our last conversation with 아빠 as a family.

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In this episode, I read a poem I wrote called, “Valentine’s Day, 발렌타인 데이.”

This episode is about the evolution of my art into bilingual art, how I used to make up languages as a kid, writing an encouragement letter to my friend’s child, and the magic of mail!

I love listening to my own podcast! Why is it cringe or embarrassing to be proud of our own art? As kids, we were so proud of our art. I am not too cool to love my own art.

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This episode is about the grief of not having 아빠 on Valentine’s Day, singing kazoo songs and peeing my pants in the park, how we continued the legacy of 아빠’s love by sending 엄마 surprise flowers and cupcakes, and 아빠’s surprise gift for 엄마, letting us know he’s still with her — he’s still with us.

This episode is also about publishing my newsletter-essay: “What is love?” It’s about feeling really anxious and self-conscious about paywalling my writing, and the importance of protecting my vulnerability from the public. An artist’s currency is their vulnerability. Our work and our labor are incredibly valuable.

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This episode is about how my podcast is saving me — past Jieun is saving present Jieun. It feels like time-traveling! It feels like I’m being my own best friend. Past Jieun is reminding Present Jieun of all that we’ve been through, all that we’ve learned, and all that we’ve survived. I can’t believe I was pregnant for the first time in my life during my first year of grief.

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This episode is about becoming a mother and the difficulty of balancing all of my identities — mother, daughter, artist, human, spouse, friend, griever. This episode is also about perception versus reality — does an objective reality exist? How much does our perception change our reality? How much does perspective shape our reality? Is reality objective or subjective? As a freelance artist, I have a hard time talking to people with corporate jobs and 9-to-5s. I feel like an outcast and an alien.

I borrowed a mother’s child’s sled and went sledding down the hill at Prospect Park. I also made a mini snow-person. 엄마 made three giant snow-people on the deck of the house. We had fun.

영감 = inspiration. 엄마 gave me the 영감 to make snow-people.

Snow will always remind me of 아빠.

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