Subtle Frequencies

It's become increasingly hard to ignore the ongoing conflict between the various goblin armies that is being hashed out in our beloved swamp. What initially seemed like a minor dispute between some silly little goblins has turned into something bigger than any of us could have imagined. A lot of people have a lot of questions, and it's our job to answer them. So, this week, Pan is joined by returning guest/ master goblin hunter, Toni Papadopoulos to figure out what's going on in this terrible war.

In the unlikely event that the goblin war makes it's way into town proper, you're going to want to have a bag packed and ready to go. Go-bag essentials include: water, non-perishable foods, phone + charger, the album Worry by Jeff Rosenstock, matches or a lighter. While you are fleeing from the destruction, pull out your walkman (also an essential) and allow Jeff's great tunes to distract you from the chaos. Festival Song is a great track to keep you energized as you make your escape. Check it out on Jeff's bandcamp (jeffrosenstock.bandcamp.com) and consider getting over to his instagram (@jeffrosenstock)

Content Warning: multiple references to attempted assassination, sword attacks, military propaganda, mind control activation phrases, more cat eating, discussion of dog murder, war profiteering, irresponsible parents.

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As this Goblin Civil War rages on, there's only one place for a sensible goblin to turn for crucial updates on this deadly, deadly conflict.

Tune into Alliance for Lovers of Felines News for all the front line coverage you need to stay informed about our extremely successful campaign against the Royalists, and Craven Darkheart's Horde. For the record, it's going great.

Content Warning: a somewhat visceral bombing which takes up the last 30 seconds of the episode, decapitation, dismemberment, general warfare, military propaganda, trauma related to war, mourning the loss of a close friend, cat eating, immolation, the horrors of war, cold disregard for the loss of life.

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Folks, these dang property developers are at it again. This time, they are trying to destroy our beautiful swamps to build some godawful townhomes. This is unacceptable. So we're going to spend this episode talking about all the wonders (and dangers) of the swamp, in an effort to remind you fine people what is so amazing about this biome, and why we need to protect it.

If you're ever wandering in the swamp and you hear a beautiful song in the trees TURN BACK IMMEDIATELY. That song is only audible when you are near a protected bit of the swamp know as Michael's Mire. Residents of the Mire are known to be very territorial! Do not go near it unless you've been invited. This message is brought to you by Genesis Fig. Learn more at genesisfig.bandcamp.com

Content Warning: guerilla warfare plots, eco-terrorism, the horrors of war, gator attacks, snake bites, corporate depersonalization, a gun, pollution, skeleton attacks, accidental animal death, intentional animal death for the purposes of cooking, continued failure to understand the new testament, body horror, haters.

p.s. sorry for the late episode. you know how it is sometimes. -pan

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The Goblin King is dead. What happens now?

Somewhere deep beneath our quiet town, goblins meet in a secret location. After generations of frustration with the prophesy-based royal succession, some goblins are ready to pursue new forms of government.

Content warning: lots of references to eating cats, general pro-violence rhetoric, bad animal handling.

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Here are some things you should never do without a lawyer present: talk to a cop, sign an important contract, make a magical wish. It has long been known that certain types of magical wish-granters find joy in misinterpreting the wishes of well-meaning wishers, but many people still rush to make wishes without taking the proper precautions. If you want to avoid having a wish turned against you with some kind of cruel twist, we highly recommend that you study the ins and outs of wish mechanics before casting your wish. Or, if that sounds boring, you can always hire a wish lawyer to help you navigate these choppy waters. This week, we have one of the best wish lawyers in town here to pass some potentially life saving information on to you. Stay tuned.

We'd also like to take a moment to apologize for our studio manager and (more importantly) his friends who keep barging into the room during broadcasts to ask for various trinkets. There is genuinely nothing we can do about it. On the bright side, the fellow who walked in this week (Dusty Dave) severely interrupted our show with a killer record. So thanks, Dave.

And thank you Universal Order of Armageddon for writing the song Close to Far Away and creating a situation where it might play in the middle of our show. Check 'em out on bandcamp. Or instagram (@universalorderofarmageddon) if that's more your thing.

Content Warning: animal bone collecting (for wishes), eye loss, children signing contracts without supervision, wounds inflicted for the purposes of signing a contract, threats of sword based violence, biased interpretations of religious texts.

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The Town Criers' annual rivalry match with the Lawn Beetles is next week, and the pressure has never been higher! As you all know, the Criers have lost the last 9 matches against the Lawn Beetles, and they simply cannot afford another loss. That's where we come in. This week, we're going to investigate the intersection of magic and basketball to drum up some winning strategies for our beloved high school basketball team.

Remember, July is Space Madness Awareness Month. If you could hear the song Memory by Nocturnalites implanted in the middle of this episode you (probably) don't have Space Madness. If you are unsure weather or not you could hear it, or if you want to test your family and friends, listen to Nocturnalites on bandcamp. If you'd prefer a more visual experience, check them out on the 'gram (@nocturnalites_pdx).

Content Warning: human experimentation, human-animal hybrids, body horror, unethical sporting, mistreatment of animals for sports, possible mistreatment of animals for social media clout, death via falling, possible death via unintentional space travel, death via electrocution, the loss of a loved one, illness related to consuming dairy

Disclaimer: Never take medical advice from us for any reason

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Where do these messages come from? What sort of dark magic are they imbued with? We can say with some certainty that they can't all be real, but how many chain letters are real? Is there a way to tell the real ones from the fakers? What should you do if you fail to send a chain letter, and are subsequently cursed? These are several questions that we may or may not answer depending on how we feel, and other various circumstances.

Urgent! This is very real! You have been visited by the spirit of the song Be Together by the band Dream Date! Convince 5 friends to check out Dream Date on bandcamp or on instagram (@dream_date_band) if you want your friends to hear a nice tune :). Or, if you'd rather not do that, that's fine too :).

Content Warning: some discussion of an eye infection caused by bird poop, many people dying due to magic, chemical warfare, unlawful arrest, unreasonable demands for retaliatory justice, fear of medical care, thievery, multiple references to fictional curses and supernatural attacks caused by chain letters, arrow based attacks.

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Sorry for the late episode, beloved listeners. Sometimes it just be that way.

But this week, we're back with the thrilling conclusion to the Campbell family's rescue mission. Nobody listened to these tapes ahead of time, so we're not sure how this is going to go, but we bet it's going to be delightful.

Also, if anyone finds a cassette tape on the ground with a bunch of hearts on it, please give it to Pan. That was their only physical copy of "About Flowers" by Velvet Vision. Yes, Pan knows that they can find it on Velvet Vision's bandcamp . And, of course they can always check out @__velvet.vision on instagram. It's just that sometimes it's nice to have a tape.

Content Warning: bugs, bug-people, crystal-people, bad mayors, divorce, attempted discrimination against suspected houseless individuals, violence committed by mayors, missing persons, video game violence.

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We received a call last week from a family that was lost and confused and not at all prepared for a discussion about butterflies. In an effort to stay on topic, we hung up on them pretty quickly, but many listeners were left wondering what became of that strange family. Well, good news! Pan managed to score a box of cassette tapes that document that family's journey into our wonderful little town! So tune in for part 1 of this family's harrowing journey.

ALSO, if anyone knows the secret for the Poacher of the Abyssal Forest boss fight in Tarzan: the Movie: the video game, please reach out to Pan.

And another thing: did y'all know that songs don't actually get trapped on mixtapes? Like you can find them in real life? For instance, that jam from Mr. Campbell's mixtape can also be found on spotify if you search Caleb & the Monsters. And they're on instagram @calebandthemonsters? Technology is amazing

Content Warning: mascot violence, mascot beheading, being chased by mysterious people, missing people, loud banging sounds, some yelling

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A group of teens is camping in the woods, just outside of The Beast's territory, as teens often do. Just as they finish setting up camp, the teens see 3 strangers approaching. One of the strangers is holding a tape recorder. All of the strangers look shaken.

The strangers seem harmless enough, so the teens focus on roasting marshmallows, but they can't help but listen as the strangers speak loudly into their tape recorder.

Who are these people anyway? Where did they come from? What do they want? Will we be able to learn more about these strangers in roughly one week???

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