Sunshine Parenting

Show notes & links available here.

Subscribe for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families.

This is an encore presentation of one of my favorite episodes from 2020, my conversation with Jim Burns, President of HomeWord and the Executive Director of the HomeWord Center for Youth and Family at Azusa Pacific University. Jim speaks to thousands of people around the world each year. He has close to 2 million resources in print in 30 languages. He primarily writes and speaks on the values of HomeWord which are: Strong Marriages, Confident Parents, Empowered Kids, and Healthy Leaders. Some of his most popular books include: Confident Parenting, The Purity Code, Creating an Intimate Marriage, and Closer. Jim and his wife, Cathy, live in Southern California and have three grown daughters, Christy, Rebecca, and Heidi; two sons-in-law, Steve and Matt; and two grandchildren, James and Charlotte.

The aim of Jim (and Homeword)'s work is to strengthen and equip parents, couples and families. They believe in strong marriages, confident parents, and empowered kids.

Big Ideas

Our kids (no matter their age) need us to be their biggest cheerleaders.

Sometimes our kids need tough love, which is not meanness.

Our adult children really need us to listen.

When our kids become adults we have to make some changes in our parenting role.

Becoming independent can be an awkward, painful process, but we can support our kids through it.

Today's young adults "meander" towards independence compared to previous generations and that changes parents' roles, too.

Your role as a parent changes throughout your child's life.

We need to have healthy boundaries and refrain from coddling our adult children.

Quotes

Jim Burns: But the truth of the matter is what brings them back is setting a tone of what I call awe, affirmation or affection, warmth and encouragement...I want to be the top cheerleader in their life.

Jim Burns: Even if they've not launched or they're not doing so well or if they violated values, the bottom line is they're asking this question, do you still love me? And I really believe that our kids need to know beyond a shadow of a doubt, Hey, I still love you and we're going to get through this process together in that. I think that's the best thing. We as parents can offer our kids at the same time know we do have to set boundaries and hold expectations but in a way very different than when they were children.

Jim Burns: I had to realize that experience is a better teacher than advice.

Jim Burns: Unsolicited advice is taken as criticism.

Audrey: Even if they're doing things that are crazy or not right, you can still affirm them and be their biggest fan.

Audrey: It is cool at camp that other adults can pour into kids and see that in them.

Audrey: For our kids, if we can just focus on the strengths that we see and help them grow those, it's remarkable. It will help them throughout childhood and adulthood.

Jim Burns: If we have somebody who believes in us, that is just huge.

Jim Burns: Tough love is not meanness. Tough love is saying they're going to have to experience some of the consequences for them to learn.

Audrey: I think part of what parents struggle with, and I know that you find this too, is just the fact that when you're becoming independent, it's kind of a painful, awkward process. So it's not this smooth line where you go to college and suddenly you're mature or you get a job and you're suddenly mature. It's painful and there's two steps back, one step forward. It's a lot of ups and downs. But what I like about your book is it's very much what, as a parent, we need to do help the process.

Audrey: The truth is that none of us are ever really ready for something we haven't done, even adulthood. And we have to remember that when we started doing things, we weren't ready either.

Jim Burns: So they go away and they are more ready than we are ... Not totally ready, because there are some bumps along the way. But you know, I think part of it is a process of us getting ready and us realizing that we have to reinvent the relationship.

Audrey: Be comfortable with a little bit of discomfort or sometimes a lot of discomfort, which is when your child's going through a difficult time trying to do something on their own. You know, the innate desire as a parent is to jump in and rescue. That's not what they need.

Audrey: I do want to encourage parents to read your book and I think it's good to read as early as you can, even during adolescence or sooner to kind of prepare yourself emotionally for the journey so that you're ready for it. But even if you have already a 30 year old, you could still read it and get some great insights from it.

Jim Burns: You help them launch by sometimes showing empathy, showing care, but not necessarily giving them the answer unless they ask you.

Resources & Links

Homeword

Doing Life With Your Adult Children: Keep Your Mouth Shut & The Welcome Mat Out

Understanding Your Teen: Shaping Their Character, Facing Their Realities

Confident Parenting

Doing Life With Your Adult Children Online Video Course

Related

Ep. 75: Begin with the (Parenting) End in Mind

9 Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults

Ready for Adulthood Check-List for Kids

Ep. 122: How to Connect with Your Teen with Chris Thurber

One Simple Thing: Post a Quote or Mantra

Each summer at camp, we select ten positive, inspirational quotes and post them on the doors of our bathroom stalls. Campers often offer the quotes, word for word, as something they learned at camp. Why not create some positive messages in your home to help remind your family about the positive practices that will enrich each of your lives? Repetition and reminders in the form of signs, notes, and postings are a great way to reinforce important lessons. If you have a favorite quote or mantra, tell your kids about why you like it and post it in a prominent location. I guarantee your kids will remember it (even if they make fun of you for posting it!).

Here are some of my favorite quotes:

Let us always meet each other with a smile, for the smile is the beginning of love. -Mother Teresa

A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle. James Keller

People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou

We rise by lifting others. Robert Ingersoll

Throw kindness around like confetti.

If you want more kindness in the world, put it there.

A great attitude becomes a great day which becomes a great month which becomes a great year which becomes a great life.

Maybe you're not meant to fit in. Maybe you're supposed to stand out.

Please don't hide your inner awesome. The world needs it.

Be the reason someone smiles today.

If you decide to post a quote or mantra, I'd love for you to share it with me.

My Favorite

The Dibble Institute: Free Resources

"The Dibble Institute is a 501(c)3 nonprofit that promotes relationship training for youth—especially in the context of dating and romantic connections. Our goal is help to young people build a foundation for healthy romantic relationships now, and for lasting, positive family environments in the future."

Explore all the great free resources at The Dibble Institute, including their series of Tip Sheets which include: Guiding Teens & Young Adults in Developing Healthy Romantic Relationships Tips for Parents: Coping During the Coronavirus Pandemic

Listener Question

This week's listener question came in via email. If you have a question you'd like me to cover on a future episode of the podcast, email me or record a voice message!

Do you have any suggestions for how to start doing family meetings?

Family meetings are a great way to make sure you have a set time to talk as a family, plan ahead, and communicate about values and other things that are important to you. Most of us didn't experience family meetings growing up, so it might feel awkward at first calling your family together for a meeting. In our jobs, we know that regular communication, often in the form of weekly or monthly meetings, is vital to keeping people informed and up-t0-date. The same holds true for our families. Even if you start with just one meeting per month, it's a great way to open up communication about topics that don't normally come up in day-to-day life. In the resource section of my book, Happy Campers (p.230-231), I offer some suggestions for how to format your family meeting. You can get a A PDF version of the resource by signing up below.

Put on your shoes, hop on your treadmill or go outside, and join Audrey "Sunshine" Monke & Sara "Salsa" Kuljis as they walk and talk, sharing updates, resources, ideas and encouragement with each other and with you!

Visit Sunshine Parenting for more resources & episodes.

Show notes & links.

Check out Audrey's book, HAPPY CAMPERS.

Join my PATREON squad for special perks, including bonus podcast episodes, exclusive posts, and resources.

Subscribe to Sunshine Parenting email updates for free resources and ideas for happier, more connected families.

Links

The Parent Compass: Navigating Your Teen's Wellness & Academic Journey in Today's Competitive World.

website | parentcompassbook.com instagram | @parentcompass facebook | TheParentCompass linkedIn | Cindy Muchnick and Jenn Curtis podcast | Parent Compass on SmartSocial About this episode

In this episode, I talk with co-authors Cynthia Clumeck Muchnick, MA and Jenn Curtis, MSW, about their book, The Parent Compass: Navigating Your Teen's Wellness & Academic Journey in Today's Competitive World.

Bragging rights and bumper stickers are some of the social forces fueling today's parenting behavior—and, as a result, even well-intentioned parents are behaving badly. Many parents don't know how best to support their teens, especially when everyone around them seems to be frantically tutoring, managing, and helicoptering. The Parent Compass provides guidance on what parents' roles should be in supporting their teens' mental health as they traverse the maze of the adolescent years.

For anyone daunted by the unique challenge of parenting well in this pressure-laden and uncertain era, The Parent Compass offers: • Advice on fostering grit and resilience in your teen • Strategies to help your teen approach life with purpose • Guidance on how to preserve your relationship with your teen while navigating a competitive academic environment • Clear explanations of your appropriate role in the college admission process • Effective ways to approach technology use in your home, and much more!

Using The Parent Compass to navigate the adolescent years will help you parent with confidence and intention, allowing you to forge a trusting, positive relationship with your teen.

If you enjoyed this episode, you might also enjoy...

Ready for Adulthood Check-List for Kids

Ep. 79: Thoughts on the College Admissions Scandal

Ep. 34: Advice on College, Transferring, and How to Support Your Kids with Their Decisions

Ep. 21: Advice for the College Application and Selection Process

Conversations before College: WHO you are matters more than WHERE you go

About Cynthia Clumeck Muchnick, M.A.

Cindy, a graduate of Stanford University, is an expert in the college admission process: she got her start in admission offices before opening a private study skills and college counseling business in Southern California, which she ran for over fifteen years. As an Assistant Director of Admission for the Illinois Institute of Technology and the University of Chicago, she screened and reviewed over three thousand applications, interviewed prospective students, and served on the admission committee to evaluate borderline applicants and appeals cases. Then, as a private counselor, she helped hundreds of high school students navigate their academic journeys, including course selection, study skills, time management, and college applications.

Since closing her private educational practice in 2011, Cindy has focused on public speaking to student, parent, school and business groups on a variety of education-related topics. Over the course of her career, Cindy has written numerous books: The Parent Compass is her tenth. Her other titles include The Best College Admission Essays (co-author, ARCO/Peterson's, 1997), The Everything Guide to Study Skills: Strategies, Tips, and Tools You Need to Succeed in School (F&W Media, 2011), Straight-A Study Skills (co-author, Adam's Media, 2012), The Everything College Checklist Book (F&W Media, 2013), Writing Successful College Applications: It's More than Just the Essay (Peterson's Publishing, 2014), and four other books (Simon & Schuster and Random House). In her her research for these books, she interviewed the Deans of Admission of Amherst, Bates, Bucknell, University of Chicago, Columbia, Duke, Grinnell, New York University, University of Pennsylvania, University of Notre Dame, Occidental, University of Rochester, University of Southern California, Stanford, Vanderbilt, University of Virginia, Wesleyan, Williams and Yale.

Cindy holds a bachelor's degree in Political Science and Art History from Stanford University and a master's degree in Liberal Studies from Nova Southeastern University. Some of the other twists and turns in her multifaceted career include her stints as a campus tour guide and volunteer student coordinator for Stanford's Office of Undergraduate Admission, and a tenth grade history teacher at The University School, in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida.

Cindy raised her family in Newport Beach, CA, and moved to Menlo Park, CA, in 2018, where she resides with her husband and four children. For further information, or to inquire about a potential speaking engagement, feel free to visit her website at www.cynthiamuchnick.com.

About Jenn Curtis, M.S.W.

Jenn Curtis owns FutureWise Consulting, an educational consulting company in Orange County, California. She has guided hundreds of high school students from throughout the United States through all aspects of the college admission process. Her passion lies in empowering students to navigate their high school years with confidence, emphasizing self-advocacy, grit, and intention. Jenn's interest in mental health and research began while an undergraduate at the University of California-Los Angeles (UCLA), where she worked in a lab studying athletic performance anxiety.

After college, at the University of California-Irvine's Child Development Center, Jenn researched treatments for learning disabilities, co-authored a published study on a novel diagnostic tool for ADHD, and supervised and trained undergraduate researchers. After earning her master's degree, Jenn worked in psychiatric rehabilitation, assisting clients with severe and persistent mental illness. She also served as the Director of Grant Writing for an international university, was an editorial assistant for a forensic psychology academic journal, has edited several books, and coached graduate and doctoral students in developing effective writing skills. Jenn also developed a college and career readiness program for first-generation students.

Jenn earned her bachelor's degree in psychology from UCLA's Honors College and master's degree in social work from the University of Southern California, where she was elected to the Phi Kappa Phi Honor Society and selected as Dean's Scholar. Jenn earned her College Counseling Certificate from UCLA. She resides in San Clemente, California with her husband and two daughters.

Show notes & links available here.

Join my PATREON squad for special perks, including bonus podcast episodes, exclusive posts, and resources.

Subscribe for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families.

In this episode, Audrey's guest is Dr. Michele Borba, an educational psychologist, parenting expert, and author of 24 books. Her most recent book is Unselfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World.

The aim of Dr. Borba's work is to strengthen children's empathy and resilience and break the cycle of youth violence. In this book, she shares her experience meeting kids from all over the world and discovering the unprecedented global epidemic of mental health disorders.

Watch Audrey & Michele's chat on video Big Ideas

• 1 in 3 kids has overwhelming stress levels. As a generation, kids today are lonelier, more risk-averse, and lacking in curiosity. Dr. Borba began to examine the causes and found the lower the income of the kid, the happier the child.
• Studies found that in the U.S., teens are nosediving in empathy. There was a 40% drop in 30 years, while narcissism and self-absorption were up 58%. Kids today need to develop empathy.
• Empathy can be cultivated in our youth and doing so will dramatically enhance their success, happiness, and well-being. Here are some ideas:
  • The Two Kind Rule: say or do at least two kind things every day.
  • Check-in with your kids and ask, "What was something kind you did today?"
  • Model kindness and caring.
  • Talk about your values and moral identity.
  • Show and demonstrate kindness in small and simple ways.

9 Essential Habits that Give Kids the Empathy Advantage:

1. Emotional Literacy: Be able to read someone's feelings, to connect with others, talk about feelings.
2. Moral Identity: Feel inside that caring matters and your values inform good choices.
3. Perspective Taking: Feel another person's point of view.
4. Moral Imagination: Share uplifting literature, film, news, and images as a source of inspiration.
5. Self-Regulation: One simple tip is to teach "Belly Breathing."
6. Practicing Kindness:Look for simple ways for your child to see you extend kindness.
7. Collaboration & Teamwork: Encourage your child to have contact with individuals of different races, cultures, ages, genders, abilities, and beliefs.
8. Moral Courage: Promote moral courage and teaching children situational awareness to embolden them to speak out, step in, and help others.
9. Altruistic Leadership: Don't think about yourself, think about what you can do for others.

Four questions to consider:

1. Which empathy habits are you helping your children acquire?

2. Which empathy habits might you be overlooking?

3. Which empathy habits is your school addressing or may be overlooking?

4. Which habit are you interested in nurturing in your children or students?

Quotes

Michele: "Empathy is teachable. Our kids are hard-wired to care, but we've got to nurture it and the culture is removing it." Michele: "Parenting right now is all about the G.P.A. and the rank and score. So it puts empathy down on a lower level. All we need to do is flip it around because we'll raise more successful, happier kids who are more prepared for life if we do."

Audrey: "When you are not feeling good, the best thing you can do is serve other people. Empathy gets you outside of yourself."

Michele: "When we look at kids and who their role models are, 20 - 30 years ago it was, I want to be a helper, a doctor, a teacher, a firefighter. Now? Somebody who is rich and famous."

Michele: "If we flip our parenting and weave in how we cultivate empathy, and it's doable. It's not another teacher, not another tutor or worksheet--it's simple little things that we can do on a day-to-day basis that will make a major difference in our children's lives."

Michele: "You can't have empathy unless you can read somebody else's feelings. That's emotional literacy. Our kids have been looking down, not up. They've been disconnected. So right now, just start talking feelings more because that's the gateway to empathy."

Michele: "Kids need to feel inside their heart and soul that I'm a caring person and that matters. So talk about that in your home. 'That's what we stand for, those are our values.' Because your kid will be likely to step in and do the right thing."

Michele: "If we keep asking those simple little things, and weave them in, what we start doing is stretching our kids to think 'WE' not 'ME' and that's what helps our kids to be able to fight the stress."

Michele: "When stress builds, empathy goes down and burnout comes up. We're now looking at a population of burned out, overwhelmed individuals."

Michele: "My challenge to each kid right now is to think of one person who's struggling. It could be a friend, somebody you may not be able to connect with face-to-face, but what's one simple little thing you can do to reach out and help that person? It will not only get your stress level going down, it'll help that person. That's a win-win."

Audrey: "During a time of high stress and high anxiety, the best thing we can do is stop thinking so much about our own stress and our own worry and instead think about, 'What can I do?' Little acts of kindness."

Michele: "Parents, don't try to do it all. You'll be overwhelmed and your kids won't be so happy."

Michele: "Yes, it's important that you get the grade and you study, but it's also important to have balance. Because what you really want is a child who has two things going for them (heart and mind.) That's the kid who's going to be able to handle life well."

Audrey: "Parents, remember, talk about it. If it's important to you, make sure your kids know that it is important to you and that you value kindness and empathy."

Audrey: "Our identity is so much more powerful than anything else. So if we want our kids, for example, to be healthy, they need to identify themselves as a healthy person who doesn't take things into their body that are bad for them."

Audrey: "A lot of communication to kids is, 'Don't do this, don't do that.' It's so much more powerful to say, 'We are kind. We're going to practice kindness.'"

Michele: "Words really do matter. Praise can diminish or increase empathy. One of the simplest things to do is catch your kid with any kind of character trait and use the word 'because' in your praise: 'That was being kind because you held the door open for grandma. Did you see how happy she was?'"

Michele: "When kids see the impact of a gesture, they're more likely to repeat the gesture until they become that kindhearted kid. Just tuning up our praise the right way can make a difference."

Audrey: "Let's take this time to think more about our family's values and use it as a kind of reset...There are simple things we can do right now to come out of this better, kinder people."

Michele: "All of these habits, you weave them in. It's kind of like this little scaffolding trajectory. You start when they're little and you keep on going even when they're out of the house. And what you end up with is habit nine--the altruistic kid who wants to make a difference in the world. That's what our world needs right now. The kid who thinks 'WE,' because we get through stuff together, not alone."

Audrey: "It's never too late to start this--or too early--and nd it will lift everybody up. We need more people bringing positive changes to the world. What this world needs is people who care and people who are looking out for each other."

Resources

Dr. Michele Borba

7 Ways to Teach Perspective Taking and Stretch Children's Empathy Muscles

Empathy Is a Verb: My TEDx Talk to Start An UnSelfie Revolution

The Altruistic Personality by Samuel P. Oliner

Related

5 Ways to Encourage Empathy in Kids

Ep. 124: Promoting Mental Health with Dr. Jess Shatkin

30 Days of Kindness

Is Kindness the Secret to a Successful Life?

10 Friendship Skills Every Kid Needs

One Simple Thing

What are the "little things" that bring you delight?

Make a short list, and encourage your kids, your partner, and your friends to do the same. When you take time to create your list, you'll realize how many of the little things you enjoy don't cost anything and can be done even when you're stuck at home.

Learning to Enjoy the Little Things

My Favorite

It all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.-Bronnie Ware

Bronnie Ware's post, "The Top Five Regrets of the Dying."

Here are the five regrets Ware lists in the post and covers in her book by the same name (which I haven't read).

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

Ep. 75: Begin with the (Parenting) End in Mind

Listener Question

This week's listener question came in via email. If you have a question you'd like me to cover on a future episode of the podcast, email me or record a voice message!

Hi there,

I listen to your podcast and joined your discussion of homeschooling a few weeks ago. I was wondering if you think sleep away camps and day camps will happen this summer. I'd love to hear parents and camp directors on this topic. I'm so eager to have my kids have a "normal" summer but it's feeling more and more likely that they won't. I'd love advice on this topic.

Thank you,

Laura

Hi Laura, I really don't know what's going to happen this summer with camps. All camps will hopefully have more guidance soon, as the American Camp Association and CDC are coming up with guidelines. In following what other camps are doing, some have already decided not to operate this summer, some are modifying sessions and starting later or with smaller groups, and some are planning to operate their regular sessions. The majority (including mine) are waiting to make decisions until we get more guidance from authorities and see what's happening with the Coronavirus. So much depends on what happens with the pandemic and when states allow larger gatherings. So... I'm sorry I can't be more helpful. If your kids have a camp they attend, you could contact them directly and see what they're planning. A "normal" summer would be so nice right about now! Take Care, Audrey

Show Notes

Subscribe for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families.

This is an encore presentation of one of my favorite episodes. Enjoy!

In this episode, I'm reading one of my most popular blog posts. It's one that's really applicable during these times that we often take to just spend some time reconnecting with our families: Why We Need To Unplug to Connect with Our Families. I've been following the trends and research about screen use and have long been an advocate of unplugging. I've seen firsthand the benefits of unplugging each summer at camp and have fought back in my own family to rescue us from being sucked into our screens 24/7.

Yet, even with all that I've learned and know about the importance of getting off our screens, I've still struggled with myself and my kids when we're not at camp getting us off our screens consistently. It's really easy to get sucked right back into the screen vortex as soon as summer ends. And it's really not just the kids. I, too, get easily back into the too-much-screen-time habit.

I know that I'm not alone in having the limiting of screen time be one of my biggest parenting headaches. I think all parents get a lot of pushback about plugging in devices at night. My kids, when they were at home, would often say things to me like no one else has to put away their phones at night. It was probably the most common response I would get from them when I reminded them that it was time to go offline. As with what I've found in other areas of parenting, it seems like it's always better to approach things with a more positive approach and so instead of focusing on rules and guidelines for screen use, a good opportunity is to figure out more screen-free positive family events.

A really simple way to figure out some fun family events that are screen-free is to just ask everybody in the family something fun that they would like to do that does not involve a screen. Whether it's just a quick activity or something a little longer, how fun would it be for the kids to each have the opportunity to think up something fun that you can do as a family? It could be a game that you haven't played in a while, a puzzle, some kind of outdoor activity like playing basketball or going for a bike ride or a hike. Even just a family dance party is a really fun idea and one that one of my daughters was often in favor of and while it might require a screen to turn the music on, no one's looking at the screen while we're dancing. When we have something fun to do, when we're not on our screens, it makes it a lot easier to be unplugged.

It's also a really great way to have some fun family bonding time. You may not always like whatever the kids choose as their screen-free activity, but I suggest going along with whatever they decide to do because as long as you're together and screens aren't involved, that's a really good thing. Connecting with each other is the most important thing we do in our families and connection happens much better when we're unplugged.

When I first shared this post several years ago, I got some great feedback from readers. I remember one mom wrote to me that with their two daughters they gave them the option of picking some screen-free fun family activity and one of the daughters wanted to do makeovers on both her parents, her mother, and her father and they had so many laughs with this make-over that the girls did on the parents, so it's just amazing how creative kids can be in thinking up screen-free family fun.

I encourage you to try it this week and just see if you can spend some time together that doesn't involve a screen. I'd really love to hear if you come up with any fun family screened free activities to do, you can get in touch with me by sending me an email: [email protected]

Related/Resources

Ep. 96: Unplugged & Happy at Camp

Ep. 35: Unplugging Your Family with Jill Stribling

My 24 Hours Unplugged

Ep. 17: Unplugged Middle School Lunch with Rebecca Gogel

5 Reasons to UNPLUG

Join my PATREON squad for special perks, including bonus podcast episodes, exclusive posts, and resources.

Subscribe for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families.

This is an encore presentation of one of my favorite episodes. Enjoy!

Each month this year, I've shared a One Simple Thing tip for creating happier, more connected families. For this episode, I share all twelve tips!

12 Tips for Happier, More Connected Families January: Daily Family Sharing February: Calm the Morning Chaos March: Discovering Your "Authentic" Self April: How to get Closer to your Kid in 5 Minutes a Day May: 3 Reasons to Give Your Kid a "WOW" Today: How to Create More Positivity at Home June: Pick a Summer Theme! July: 4 Ways to Focus on our Kids' Strengths August: More of, Less of, Same of September: The Magic Relationship Ratio October: Why We Need to Unplug to Connect with Our Families November: 7 Reasons to #optoutside December: 100 Family Memories Related Posts/Podcast Episodes

5 Simple Year-End Reflection Activities

Ep. 30: How to Raise a Durable Human with JJ Madden

31 Days of Happiness

Focusing on the Gain not the Gap

Show Notes

Join my PATREON squad for special perks, including bonus podcast episodes, exclusive posts, and resources.

Subscribe for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families.

This is an encore presentation of one of my favorite episodes. Enjoy!

In episode 108, I'm chatting with Natalie Silverstein about her new book, Simple Acts: The Busy Family's Guide to Giving Back. We talk about the importance of instilling the value of service and acts of kindness. She shares how she created a resource of volunteer opportunities for parents and children in her community and what led to her writing this book for families. It is full of ways to make time in your family's busy life for service and suggestions for making service part of your family's culture.

Big Ideas

• Doing service, acts of kindness, helping others is a wonderful way to grow empathy, compassion, and open-mindedness in young children.
• Studies show that people who volunteer with their families as children are more likely to do so as an adult.
• Studies also show that volunteering makes you happier and healthier.
• There are many ways to give back which don't require scheduling, spending a lot of money, or volunteering formally. It can be incorporated into the things families are already doing: playdates, holidays, vacations, etc.
• Involve your kids when deciding who to help, how to serve, and which charities to support. You can follow their lead and they will be more invested.
• When we make service a priority, we find the time to make it happen.
• There are people in need all year long, not just during the holidays.
• Social media can be a helpful tool for people to promote positive messages and acts of kindness. It can also be a way to get family and friends involved in service.

Quotes

Natalie: "All of these life skills that kids get a camp are values that parents want to demonstrate and model at home."

Natalie: "I do believe that this work begins at home with very young children. Anything we can do to incorporate these acts of kindness into camp life, into extracurricular activities, and most importantly, into our weekends in our free time, is really so important."

Natalie: "It creates a foundation, a moral base for kids, from which they grow."

Natalie: "Everybody has a laundry list of extracurricular activities and tutoring and sports and ballet and instruments and all of these things. We don't necessarily prioritize taking time out to say 'no' to some of those things and 'yes' to service and acts of kindness and volunteering together."

Audrey: "It's a partnership. It starts at home and then you try to find places like schools, religious organizations, and camps, that also support and reinforce those values that you're trying to teach your kids.

Audrey: "We can't do it alone. If we're all trying together to promote these things, it works so much better and our kids turn out a lot better, too."

Audrey: "As individuals, we all have different things that bring us flow. I think just like regular work, our volunteering should also be something that's in our wheelhouse, things we enjoy doing."

Natalie: "We are all moving through our days, interacting with other human beings. Teach your child to make eye contact with the person behind the counter, hold the door, thank the postman. There are things you can be doing at every moment, almost every day."

Natalie: "This is not rocket science. I think the theme of my book is you don't have to change the world to change the world. You don't have to fly to Africa and build a school to make an impact on someone else's life."

Natalie: "Give (your children) the opportunity and don't make it negotiable. Say, 'This is what we do. This is how our family operates. Find the thing that really speaks to you and then let's find a way for you to give back in that realm.' It just builds on itself for kids."

Natalie: "Instead of saying you don't have time for something, change it and say it's not a priority and then see how that feels."

Natalie: "We want to model our values. We want to live our values, perform service and acts of kindness, and just treat people the right way out in the world."

Natalie: "These are all things that people can be doing if they're mindful of it. It needs to be intentional. Just like everything in parenting. We need to be thinking about what it is that we can show our kids every day as we walk through our lives that this is how we care about others because we hope that they care about us in the same way."

Audrey: "If you find something that you really enjoy doing, then you'll keep doing it and it will bring you a lot of joy, too."

Natalie: "You're helping others in the community, doing something substantive. But you're also creating really nice warm family memories and I think those are the things that people remember as adults."

Natalie: "There are so many little things that kids can be doing You just have to keep your mind open to it and your heart open to it."

Natalie: "You don't have to go out and do this huge, enormous, time-consuming, expensive thing. It's just the little things and they're like drops in a bucket. They add up and they fill the cup of your child's emerging character. It makes a difference in who they are."

Natalie: "It's about mindfulness and keeping an open heart and an open mind and really just reminding your children to think outside of themselves."

Natalie: "If we can get young people on social media channels to turn the narrative around such that we are putting up instead of putting down--promote the good and spread the good--that can be very powerful."

Natalie: "If I'm hosting a play date and these kids are already drawing or painting or making cookies, that can have a service or kindness element built into it. Then even better, go for a walk in the community and deliver those cookies to the local firehouse. This is all part of making it social, making it fun, doing it with other people."

Audrey: "It's just so important. We need to counter the negative. Cyberbullying is at an all-time high. If we can just get our kids to flip this and be more focused on what good they can do, then that would make this a kinder world."

Natalie: "All of these life skills we learn are tiny drops in the bucket of a child's developing character. If you're not modeling this behavior, if you are screaming at the person behind the counter or the other driver in the car, the way you show your child how you hold the door, how you greet the postal worker by name, it's really powerful. By showing kids 'how we do it in our house', it sticks. It just sticks."

About Natalie

Natalie Silverstein is an author, volunteer and passionate advocate for family service. After a 15-year career in hospital administration, managed care and healthcare consulting, she now works as a freelance writer and editor with a particular focus on the non-profit sector and community service. Her first book, Simple Acts: The Busy Family's Guide to Giving Back, was published by Gryphon House on April 1, 2019.

In September 2013, Natalie launched the first local affiliate of Doing Good Together (www.doinggoodtogether.org), a Minneapolis-based nonprofit with the mission of helping parents raise kids who care and contribute. As the New York area coordinator, she curates a free monthly e-mail listing of family-friendly service opportunities that are distributed to thousands of subscribers.

Natalie is a frequent writer, speaker, and consultant on the topic of family and youth service, presenting to parents, educators, and children across New York City. She is also a contributor to parenting blogs, GrownandFlown.com, and Mommypoppins.com.

Along with her husband, she is the co-founder of The Silverstein Foundation for Parkinson's with GBA (www.silversteinfoundation.org), a nonprofit focused on finding a cure for Parkinson's Disease in GBA mutation carriers, and serves as Executive Director and a member of the Board of Directors.

Natalie earned an undergraduate degree in health policy and administration from Providence College and a master's degree in public health from Yale University.

Links

Doing Good Together

#CampKindnessDay

Simple Acts Facebook Page

Related Posts & Podcasts

Ep. 125: Transforming Schools with Positivity

Ep. 117: Raising Good Humans

Is Kindness the Secret to a Successful Life?

Ep. 46: #CampKindnessDay with Tom Rosenberg

Why My Family is Celebrating World Kindness Day

Focusing on Kindness

Show Notes

Join my PATREON squad for special perks, including bonus podcast episodes, exclusive posts, and resources.

Subscribe for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families.

This is an encore presentation of one of my favorite episodes. Enjoy!

At its core, the Enneagram helps us to see ourselves at a deeper, more objective level and can be of invaluable assistance on our path to self-knowledge.- The Enneagram Institute Website

In Episode 104, I'm chatting with my daughter Meredith who--like me--enjoys learning more about herself and other people. The tool we discuss most is the Enneagram, which Meredith discovered last year through her employer and introduced to me and the rest of our family.

Big Ideas

• It is important for parents, and anyone who works with kids, to be self-aware.
• Understanding personality types can help us to create healthier relationships because it affects the way we view the behavior of others, as well as our own reactions in different situations.
• Empathy increases when we are more aware of other people's tendencies.
• Each relationship is unique based on personality types. It is the parent's responsibility to adjust and to figure out where the child is coming from.
• Noone can be defined by one personality test or type but learning about the different characteristics and identifying with types can be extremely informative.
• We can't accurately assess other people's types just by observing their behavior. Personality test results are personal and best used for self-reflection.
• Being self-aware helps us identify our weaknesses and strengths in relation to achieving our goals and in our relationships with others.

The Nine Enneagram Types in their Family Roles

Ones: family perfectionists

Twos: family helpers

Threes: family stars

Fours: Shed light on family problems

Fives: family experts

Sixes: move between building family unity and rebelling against the family unit

Sevens: family cheerleaders

Eights: family protectors

Nines: family peacemakers

Quotes

Audrey: "The theme of this podcast is about the importance for parents and anyone who works with kids to know themselves because your own self-awareness has a huge impact on how you view the behavior of others."

Audrey: " You can have more compassion when you understand where other people come from and it changes your view of why they do something that may annoy you or that kind of thing."

Audrey: "As parents, we are different with each of our kids because our kids each have different personalities. It's our responsibility to adjust and not our kids."

Meredith: "I do think that the Enneagram, and with most personality quizzes once you find out what you are, you sometimes don't want to be that. I think its easier to focus on the downsides of that personality type and look at the good sides of other personality types."

Audrey: "Remember, 'Comparison is the thief of joy.'"

Audrey: "The more I've read about my type, the more it has freed me from some of my frustrations with myself. It has given me a better understanding of why I've done some of the things I've done and why I am the way I am. It actually makes me feel a little better."

Audrey: "I like the whole idea that there are some things that just make me kind of unique and just because I don't do something the same way or view things the same way, it's still okay."

Audrey: "I just think that self-awareness is a really important part of social intelligence and a lot of us don't have it. I really don't think I did until a few years ago when I started doing more strengths testing, this Enneagram, and the four tendencies. It's like all this stuff kind of comes together like a puzzle of self-awareness."

Meredith: "It's a tool for yourself and maybe for your close family members and friends so that they can understand you better. It's not something that you go around asking people, 'What's your Enneagram number?' because sharing your numbers, sharing how you think, your weaknesses, the different lies you believe about your self, is actually quite personal."

Audrey: "You really have to read the book to understand for sure the one (type) you are because oftentimes depending on how healthy you are and what you're doing, you may look like a different number."

Audrey: "You really can't tell about someone else because you don't know what's going on inside of them."

Meredith: "Being aware of Enneagram numbers has helped me to empathize with the way other people were thinking and for them to understand me, as well. It has made me more aware of myself and for example, how I can come off to others, even when I don't think I'm coming off as critical."

Meredith: "It is helpful to be aware of the way my brain is wired, that I need to actively work to give myself grace, to be aware of my thought patterns so that I can see when I'm starting to be in a state of stress or a state of health because I'm taking on those qualities."

Audrey: "For me, I'm prone to not rest in my emotions long or deep enough and that came out in the last few years with problems in my body. Like in my shoulder, my knee, I would always have some huge pain and it was because I had internal pain that I wasn't dealing with."

Meredith: "Read an introductory level book. It's most helpful to read the descriptions in-depth and identify with one. I think that's more helpful than just taking a quiz and having it spit out an answer for you."

Meredith: "You move around on the Enneagram a lot, sometimes to lots of different ones depending on if you're in a state of stress or security. So it's not like your number is locked in. You move around to your wings and then to other numbers too. It's normal to identify with lots of different qualities, but I think it's when you really identify with one number, you found the right one."

Audrey: "It's fun to take them because any little insight that you gain is just more self-awareness."

Meredith: "You have to give yourself grace because it's not like you can know what Enneagram or personality types all your kids or family members have, especially when kids are changing and forming in different ways. I think it's good just to be aware, but don't be too hard on your self."

Audrey: "There can be certain personalities that may bring out your not-great parts, like when your kid has a personality that's so different from yours or one that clashes with yours. That can be really hard as a parent."

Audrey: "A lot of parents have pain when they don't feel their relationship is really strong with one of their kids. But there is always reparation, especially if you take the time to learn a little bit more about each other and figure it out."

Books We Discussed

Different Personality, Strengths, and Tendencies Assessments

The Enneagram is one of many different assessments that can give you more self-awareness. Here are some other popular options:

Myers-Briggs

Read more about Gretchen Rubin's Four Tendencies or take her quiz to find out yours!

Related Posts & Podcast Episodes

Ep. 28: Focusing on our Kids' Strengths

4 Ways to Focus on our Kids' Strengths

Celebrating Strengths

Ep. 75: Begin with the (Parenting) End in Mind

Ep. 59: 5 Ways to Help Kids Thrive during their School Years and Beyond

Ep. 97: Parenting the Challenging Child

#oneword

My One Word for 2019: Focus

Want More Sunshine?

Subscribe to my email newsletter to keep up with my podcasts, events, book club & resources, including favorites like my Ready for Adulthood Checklist.

"It is remarkable to witness what happens when kids think and talk about a strength, often for the first time identifying it in themselves, and then learn how they can use that strength in different settings. When given a name to a part of themselves they recognize and intuitively know, kids gain a vocabulary to talk about themselves more positively."

#happycampersbook

Show Notes

Join my PATREON squad for special perks, including bonus podcast episodes, exclusive posts, and resources.

Subscribe for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families.

This is an encore presentation of one of my favorite episodes. Enjoy!

You don't have to adopt or foster a kid to help kids in the system. There is so much need. You can volunteer. Especially for older kids, you can provide scholarships or skills training… Don't forget these children in your communities. Just think about some way you or your family can contribute. It can even be as simple as taking a meal to a foster family.

Audrey Monke

In Episode 61, for November's National Adoption Month, I'm chatting with Anne Driscoll, owner of Branches Books & Gifts in Oakhurst, California. We talk about our families' experiences with adoption and share advice for prospective adoptive parents.

Big Ideas

• We compare and contrast international adoption and domestic foster care adoption. Which route to take depends on many factors, including the family's preferences, composition, and timing.
• Many view the adoption process as a path to parenthood. For others, it is a way to offer assistance to children in need. For all adoptive parents, it's an emotional road and involves a lot of preparation, vetting, and waiting.
• Advice for prospective adoptive parents:
  • Be honest about what you can handle.
  • Identify what strengths you have to pair with child's needs.
  • Be gentle with yourself.
  • Expect many highs and lows.

• Volunteer Opportunities:
  • Independent Living Programs (ILP) for foster kids as they age out of the system
  • Teaching skills (cooking, financial management, hobbies, auto care, etc.)
  • Become a CASA – Court Appointed Special Advocates

There are many ways to help!

Quotes

Anne: "It's a huge decision, not to be taken lightly because no matter what the scenario, there is still a sense of loss because they are not with their biological parents. There is a visceral emotion tied to it which you have to be aware of."

Anne: "When you see (your child) succeeding and feeling good about themselves and hopefully starting to heal, it is the most rewarding thing ever."

Audrey: "It has been one of my life's greatest joys and also one of my biggest challenges."

Audrey and Anne: "We both love our kids dearly and they are such incredible human beings – so resilient, amazing and strong. They are going to do great things. It has been a privilege to have them in our families."

Audrey: "The more years in, the better things get!"

Links

National Adoption Month. 2018 theme is: "In Their Own Words: Lifting Up Youth Voices."

Today's Hoda Kotb Opens Up about her adoption

20 Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge

The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis (recommended for all parents)

The Whole-Brain Child and The Yes Brain by Tina Payne Bryson and Dan Siegel

CASA – Court Appointed Special Advocates

Related Posts & Podcast Episodes

Ep. 97: Parenting the Challenging Child

Ep. 95: Raising a "Yes Brain" Child with Tina Payne Bryson

Ep. 123: Connection Comes First

Ep: 136: Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D. on Showing Up for our Kids During COVID-19

If you liked this episode, you might want to listen to Episode 31, where I interview Tosha Schore, co-author of Listen: Five Simple Tools to Meet Your Everyday Parenting Challenges.

Listen to Episode 55, my podcast on Raising Kids who Love to Read with Anne Driscoll.

Read my blog post, Learning to Breathe.

Adoption Resources

AdoptUSKids

Adoption resources at childwelfare.gov

Heartbeat International

About National Adoption Month

Show Hope

SHOW NOTES

Join my PATREON squad for special perks, including bonus podcast episodes, exclusive posts, and resources.

Subscribe for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families.

Kindness is a character trait we value highly in our friends, family members, and co-workers, and yet our kids may not know how much we want them to be kind, considerate, contributing members of their community. For World Kindness Day (November 13 - the day this episode is being released), I'm doing a deep dive into simple ideas for raising kinder kids and creating a kinder world. Let's focus on kindness, not just today but every day.

BIG IDEAS

• 80% of the youth surveyed agreed with the statement, "My parents are prouder if I get good grades in my classes then if I'm a caring community member in class and school."
• We need to focus on raising kinder humans.
• Giving a compliment is a really simple way to spread kindness and also to show our kids a really, really important social skill.
• "Being considerate of others will take your children further in life than any college degree."
• It is really important that we have a growth mindset about the character trait of kindness and realize that it is a trait that we can cultivate in ourselves and in our children.
• Something that we can control is ourselves and how we interact with and show kindness to other people.

LINKS & RESOURCES

Random Acts of Kindness - World Kindness Day

QUOTES

• "Take a few minutes to write uplifting, positive encouraging messages in a sticky note pad, then start leaving those messages around, whether it's in your own house, at a neighbor's house, on people's mailboxes, on windshields. You can leave these uplifting positive messages around as a simple and fun act of kindness."
• "Camp Secret #8 in my book, Happy Campers is, Make it Cool to be Kind. In the chapter, I talk about the importance of us focusing, in our families, in our schools, in our camps, everywhere, on creating a culture where kindness is embraced and encouraged."
• "Set an alarm to go off three times, when the alarm sounds stop what you're doing and call, text, or email someone simply to tell them how awesome they are."
• "Compliment the first three people you talk to."
• "Another act of Kindness that is something that kids can do is to write a handwritten note to their teacher."
• "Just saying good morning to the people in your family or the people at work when you're in a meeting is so important."
• "A really good way to do a family activity of kindness is to pick up some trash. Even if you just spend 10 minutes picking up some trash around your neighborhood."
• "Leave encouraging notes around."
• "Spend 24 hours or dedicate 24 hours to spreading positivity on social media."
• "Giving an extra generous tip to a service worker is another way to do an act of kindness."
• "Send flowers to a friend and I would just expand this that you can also just send a note to a friend."
• "Really anything that you send or give that just shows someone that you're thinking about them is such an act of kindness and really can brighten their day and yours."
• "Get your kids to focus a little bit more on kindnesses that they have seen others do by asking them to point out kind acts that they have witnessed or done themselves."
• "It's also a great idea to talk with your kids about how they feel after someone has done something kind for them or after they've done something kind for another person."
• "How do you want to be remembered by your classmates and friends?"

ONE SIMPLE THING

From pages 189-190 in Happy Campers (Camp Secret #8: Make it Cool to be Kind):

RELATED POSTS & EPISODES

Ep. 46: #CampKindnessDay with Tom Rosenberg

Ep. 138: Unselfie with Dr. Michele Borba

Ep. 114: Precursors to Gratitude

How to Respond to Bad Behavior

30 Days of Kindness

Is Kindness the Secret to a Successful Life?

Ep. 46: #CampKindnessDay with Tom Rosenberg

Why my Family is Celebrating World Kindness Day

Focusing on Kindness