Sunshine Parenting

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In Episode 164, I'm chatting with my friend Sara Kuljis of Yosemite Sierra Summer Camp and Emerald Cove Day Camp. We talk about family gratitude practices and lessons from camp for having more grateful families. At Thanksgiving, it's easy to remember to be grateful, but the habit of gratitude -- practiced at camp, at home, and in the world -- helps us to be happier all year long.

BIG IDEAS

• Gratitude is a muscle. We can build it with practice.
• Research has shown that those who express gratitude daily have a more optimistic view of life and a healthier well-being.
• Developing relationships with the people around us makes it easier to share authentic gratitude.
• Model respect by thanking others, especially those who serve us.
  • Use their first names when possible.
  • Make eye contact

Ways to show gratitude at camp or at home

• Flower Sunday -- the practice of handing a daisy while sharing an affirmation or gratitude with another person. You give your flower away and receive a flower from someone who acknowledges an action or quality they appreciate. Using a token such as a flower makes a difference.
• WOW Bulletin Board -- staff and campers send and receive notes to build each other up and express thanks.
• Thankful Thursday -- a note, text message or phone call to someone expressing thanks can become a helpful habit.
• 3 Good Things -- share three good things that happened at the end of each day.
  • Commit to sharing them with friend or family member via text. It helps with accountability and makes it easier to remember.
  • Go around the dinner table and share with your family or friends.
  • Write them down in a journal before bed, or share three things you are thankful for first thing in the morning.
  • This habit can not only strengthen your gratitude muscle but also deepen your relationships and improve your outlook on life.
• Gratitude Jar -- keep slips of paper for family write down things they are grateful for and collect the scraps in a jar.
  • Share the memories collected over the year at New Year's Eve or at Thanksgiving or anytime.
  • Attach the messages to a bulletin board or even to the Christmas Tree!
• Warm Fuzzies -- Take a sheet of paper for each person, write their name on it and pass it around. Have everyone write down what they appreciate about that person.
  • Be specific. It is nice to recognize precise actions or character strengths we appreciate in others.
• Go around the table at mealtime and share 3 good things, something you are grateful for (besides friends and family) or something you are grateful for about yourself

• Ask children to think of ways they would like to show gratitude for others. Children have really good ideas themselves.

QUOTES

Audrey: "We cannot raise grateful kids if we are not promoting our own gratitude."

Audrey: "It's important to remember that it's not just about completing a task, like sending a text or writing in your journal. It's about taking the moment to feel thankful. We need to take the task out of it and feel the gratitude."

Sara: "At the end of the day being grateful makes me kinder and softer to those around me."

Sara: "There's a lot of not-feeling-good-enough in the world. I enjoy helping people identify their natural talents and the natural goodness that is built in them and being intentional about building those into strengths for making a positive impact in the world."

More Gratitude Resources and Ideas

My Pinterest "Gratitude Board"

5 Ways to Avert Thanksgiving Disappointment

Raising Grateful, Not Entitled Kids

A Grateful Family is a Happy Family

Gratitude Revisited

Feeling Thankful

3 Reasons to Give Your Kid a WOW Today

Grateful Campers are Happy Campers

Learning to Enjoy the Little Things

Teaching Kids Gratitude Rather than Entitlement: Berkeley News/Christine CarterGiving Thanks can Make you Happy, Harvard Health

The Science of Gratitude: More Benefits Than Expected; 26 Studies and Counting, Happier Human.com

7 Scientifically Proven Benefits Of Gratitude That Will Motivate You To Give Thanks Year-Round, Forbes

30 Days of Gratitude, Writeshop.com

Kind over Matter

Why Gratitude is Important

One Simple Thing

TAKE A THANK YOU WALK (Jon Gordon)

"It's simple. It's powerful and it's a great way to start feeding the positive dog. How does it work? You simply take a walk... outside, in a mall, at your office, on a treadmill, etc and while walking you think about all the things, big and small, that you are grateful for. The research shows you can't be stressed and thankful at the same time so when you combine gratitude with physical exercise, you give yourself a double boost of positive energy. You flood your brain and body with positive emotions and natural anti-depressants that uplift you rather than the stress hormones that drain and slowly kill you." -Jon Gordon

My Favorite

One recent December, at age 53, John Kralik found his life at a terrible, frightening low: his small law firm was failing; he was struggling through a painful second divorce; he had grown distant from his two older children and was afraid he might lose contact with his young daughter; he was living in a tiny apartment where he froze in the winter and baked in the summer; he was 40 pounds overweight; his girlfriend had just broken up with him; and overall, his dearest life dreams--including hopes of upholding idealistic legal principles and of becoming a judge--seemed to have slipped beyond his reach.

Then, during a desperate walk in the hills on New Year's Day, John was struck by the belief that his life might become at least tolerable if, instead of focusing on what he didn't have, he could find some way to be grateful for what he had.

Inspired by a beautiful, simple note his ex-girlfriend had sent to thank him for his Christmas gift, John imagined that he might find a way to feel grateful by writing thank-you notes. To keep himself going, he set himself a goal--come what may--of writing 365 thank-you notes in the coming year.

One by one, day after day, he began to handwrite thank yous--for gifts or kindnesses he'd received from loved ones and coworkers, from past business associates and current foes, from college friends and doctors and store clerks and handymen and neighbors, and anyone, really, absolutely anyone, who'd done him a good turn, however large or small. Immediately after he'd sent his very first notes, significant and surprising benefits began to come John's way--from financial gain to true friendship, from weight loss to inner peace. While John wrote his notes, the economy collapsed, the bank across the street from his office failed, but thank-you note by thank-you note, John's whole life turned around.

365 Thank Yous is a rare memoir: its touching, immediately accessible message--and benefits--come to readers from the plainspoken storytelling of an ordinary man. Kralik sets a believable, doable example of how to live a miraculously good life. To read 365 Thank Yous is to be changed.

Like listening to Audrey and Sara? Here are more of our episodes:

Ep. 114: Precursors to Gratitude

Ep.115: Giving Kids Meaningful Compliments

Ep. 132: Creating Structure, Fun, & Connection

Ep. 160: Cranky Young Adults Stuck in the COVID Vortex

Ep. 153: Rethinking School & Education During the Pandemic

Ep. 152: Putting on Your COVID Mask First

Ep. 57: The Importance of Adult Friendships

Ep. 28: Focusing on Our Kids' Strengths

Ep. 23: Peaceful Mornings

Ep. 15: Traits of Parents Who are Great to Work With

Ep. 7: Family Pace & Space

Ep. 3: Raising Resilient, Independent Kids

SHOW NOTES

Join the Sunshine Parenting PATREON squad for special perks, including bonus podcast episodes, exclusive posts, and resources! This month's Patreon resource: 31 Simple Things: 31 of my favorite tips for happier, more connected families.

Join Audrey's email subscriber community for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families.

Wondering what to do about your personal - and our world's - current struggles? Niki Spears has practical strategies for finding the opportunities within our struggles.

Niki is a former school principal who now works as an educator and change leader. She shares her passion and enthusiasm for creating positive school culture based on shared leadership. Niki is leading the charge to develop positive schools by sharing the importance of embracing a leadership mindset.

Niki Spears is the co-founder of the Energy Bus for Schools Leadership Journey. She started this organization to bring the positive messages of Jon Gordon's book, The Energy Bus, to schools everywhere. Niki has spent over 15 years working in education. Once an elementary school principal, she now works full time as a teacher educator and change leader.

The Beauty Underneath the Struggle: Creating Your Bus Story Book Description

Life if full of struggles and challenges. Are you ready to use these moments as opportunities to grow? Join Niki and learn how to find the beauty hidden beneath. Often the darkest moments in life are the ones that motivate us to move out of victimhood and walk into our purpose.

Beneath the personal struggle lies a chance to discover meaning and bliss. It's a matter of knowing how to transform challenges into impassioned change.

On this journey to self-enlightenment, motivational speaker and author Niki Spears shares strategies to help you embrace struggles and recognize them as opportunities for self-discovery. Personal stories and testimonials from people like you, will motivate and inspire you to see struggles in a new way.

The workbook feature will help you apply these techniques to your life right away, and by using the step-by-step guide, you can capture your own unique BUS story as you find the Beauty Underneath the Struggle.

Struggles and challenges don't have to be negative components of life. Join Niki on this journey to help you write the next chapter as you transform the meaning of struggle to create your masterpiece.

BIG IDEAS

• We can view our struggles and challenges as opportunities to move into our purpose.

• We each have a different lens through which we view our life stories, and changing the lens can change our life outcomes for the better.

• Challenges and setbacks may be caused by other people or events in our past, but we can choose to stop spending our timing blaming and take responsibility for creating our positive future.

• In the most challenging of circumstances (like this pandemic), we can improve our own lives by helping others.

LINKS & RESOURCES

• Connect with Niki and find out more about her work at nikispears.com.

• The Map of Consciousness Explained by Dr. David R. Hawkins

• The Success Principles by Jack Canfield

QUOTES

Niki: "What I explore in the book is talking about our perceptions, and rewriting some of those negative perceptions, our stories that we tell ourselves."

Niki: "When I was a little girl, I grew up in a family where I didn't always feel valued and appreciated. And that story I was telling myself was really controlling everything that was happening to me in my adult life. I was blaming my parents. I was blaming my upbringing, and it was keeping me stuck."

Niki: It's like I woke up and I said, 'You are going to have to start owning everything in your life.' If you continue to blame, you're giving the situation, you're giving the person, power over your happiness and your ability to create the life that you want. Once I started to take personal responsibility, everything around me started to change."

Niki: "I want to teach people how empowering it is just to own your life experiences and embrace the struggle."

Niki: "You create your world. So that could be a positive world based on your perceptions of what's going on, or it could be a negative experience."

Audrey: "It's a really challenging time. And a lot of people are feeling very negative about their lives, about our country, about everything."

Niki: "I want you to look at struggle in a new way, as an opportunity that's going to propel you to move into purpose. Because struggle is not a negative term at all. If we look at struggle, and we break it down, struggle is a verb that says that we're still moving in the face of adversity."

Niki: "We have to look at things that are happening around us as an opportunity for us to showcase our best selves."

Niki: "In these moments of challenges, there are great opportunities for us to show up and to show out. And so that's what I want to encourage everybody to do. Instead of looking through a negative lens, look and see, where can you help?"

Niki: "We cannot compare ourselves to someone else. Our journey is totally our journey."

Niki: "And so it's not necessarily always something that you do, but just to contribute a positive self, to smile, to say hello, to write a nice letter to someone, those are, those may be small things, but they serve in a big way. So even recognizing the people who are doing the big things and just being their cheerleader could be part of what you do in your story."

Niki: "I think you need to look at what are some things in your life that you're unhappy with right now, think about those. Be honest with yourself, be willing to go there with yourself, be vulnerable. What are those things in your life that don't bring you the love, peace and joy that you want? Then ask yourself, who's responsible. And if you're holding someone else responsible, or you're holding some event responsible, I want you to cross it out and put "me." You put yourself there and you have to practice that."

Niki: "You've taken ownership. You're no longer blaming your parents, blaming your bosses, your friends, or COVID. But now you understand that even though these things may not be your fault, it is your responsibility to do something about it."

Audrey: "Even in families, it's like, you know, the conflicts are happening and people have misunderstandings over sometimes silly things because we're spending so much time together. So it's just being able to, again, just take that pencil and just say, wait, I can still be calm. I can still be loving. And I don't have to like take in something that someone saying perhaps out of anger or whatever it might be."

Niki: "And I think that in this moment now that we're so divided, that it gives us the opportunity to kind of test ourselves in that area where we can listen to different points of views without feeling angry, and all these other emotions that can come into it, but just listen, and let it flow through, but don't let it impact, you know, your mood and how you feel and, and those kinds of things."

Audrey: "I really hope other people will pick up your book or hear your words and really find the beauty underneath their struggles. Because as you've inspired us, there is always something to be learned or to be gained, to come out the other side stronger, more resilient, even with the worst of stuff."

IF YOU ENJOYED THIS EPISODE, YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE...

Ep. 125: Transforming Schools with Positivity

Ep. 108: Simple Acts of Giving Back with Natalie Silverstein

9 Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults

The Power of Compliments

ONE SIMPLE THING

Pick a 30-Day Challenge to do for the next 30 days (or a designated month)

Pick something that, if you do for 30 days consistently, will improve your well-being or move you closer (small step by small step) to a goal you have. It can be anything! Ideas include something creative, intellectual, relational, spiritual, or health-related.

Some tips:

Be realistic - make sure it won't take you more than 5-10 minutes max to do or it's likely that you won't get it done (especially as you're building the habit).

Pick something enjoyable, that you've been wanting to do but just haven't fit in to your daily routine yet.

Here are some ideas:

• Read for a certain amount of time or a certain number of pages, every day for 30 days.
• Call or text a friend every day for 30 days.
• Walk a minimum number of steps every day for 30 days (use a fitness app to keep track).
• Drink a minimum amount of water every day for 30 days.
• Practice some kind of mindfulness for 5 minutes every day - can be staring out a window, meditating, listening to music, or using a meditation app (like Calm or Headspace).
• Work on a creative project for 10 minutes every day - drawing, sewing, woodwork, painting, needle work, baking, etc.
• Write down 3 things you're grateful for every day.
• Use cash only for 30 days.
• Do one Random Act of Kindness per day for 30 daysSome popular, challenging 30-Day Challenges: NaNoWriMo - National Novel Writers Month Whole 30

MY FAVORITE

The Pomodoro Technique

The Pomodoro Technique helps you resist all of those self-interruptions and re-train your brains to focus. Each pomodoro is dedicated to one task and each break is a chance to reset and bring your attention back to what you should be working on.

The core process of the Pomodoro Technique consists of 6 steps:

1. Choose a task you'd like to get done.
2. Set the Pomodoro (timer) for 25 minutes.
3. Work on the task until the Pomodoro rings.
4. When the Pomodoro rings, put a checkmark on a paper.
5. Take a short break.
6. Every 4 pomodoros, take a longer break.

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THANKS FOR LISTENING!

If you enjoyed this episode and know of others who would be encouraged by the ideas we talked about, please share!

Would you consider leaving a review for the Sunshine Parenting Podcast on iTunes? Reviews are very important for helping podcasts find their audiences, and I would love your support in helping people find Sunshine Parenting!

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Here's to raising a generation of kids who become thriving adults AND modeling for our kids what thriving adulthood looks like!

SHOW NOTES

Join the Sunshine Parenting PATREON squad for special perks, including bonus podcast episodes, exclusive posts, and resources! This month's Patreon resource: 31 Simple Things: 31 of my favorite tips for happier, more connected families.

Join Audrey's email subscriber community for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families.

Frustrated with your kids' (or your partner's) behavior? Dr. Catherine Pearlman discovered, over her many years of coaching parents, that often the best way to curb an undesired behavior is to give it less attention. In this episode, I talk with Catherine, who is the founder of The Family Coach and author of Ignore It! How Selectively Looking the Other Way Can Decrease Behavioral Problems and Increase Parenting Satisfaction, about the helpful strategies Catherine has shared with countless parents in her columns, speaking, and coaching practice.

In Ignore It, Pearlman outlines the occasions when ignoring behavior is appropriate, how to reengage when the behavior stops, and how to praise and reinforce desired behaviors. I was, of course, happy to hear that Pearlman also has vast summer camp experience as a camper, counselor, and director!

IGNORE IT! Book Description

This book teaches frustrated, stressed-out parents that selectively ignoring certain behaviors can actually inspire positive changes in their kids.

With all the whining, complaining, begging, and negotiating, parenting can seem more like a chore than a pleasure. Dr. Catherine Pearlman, syndicated columnist and one of America's leading parenting experts, has a simple yet revolutionary solution: Ignore It!

Dr. Pearlman's four-step process returns the joy to child rearing. Combining highly effective strategies with time-tested approaches, she teaches parents when to selectively look the other way to withdraw reinforcement for undesirable behaviors. Too often we find ourselves bargaining, debating, arguing and pleading with kids. Instead of improved behavior parents are ensuring that the behavior will not only continue but often get worse. When children receive no attention or reward for misbehavior, they realize their ways of acting are ineffective and cease doing it. Using proven strategies supported by research, this book shows parents how to:

– Avoid engaging in a power struggle

– Stop using attention as a reward for misbehavior

– Use effective behavior modification techniques to diminish and often eliminate problem behaviors

As Pearlman says, the book is for parents of kids from 2-21, but the techniques might also be useful in other settings, including with adults who have difficult behaviors!

BIG IDEAS

• Pay more attention to what our kids are doing right than what they're doing wrong.

• Know when to ask for help is a parenting strength.

• Ignore bad behavior to make your parenting more enjoyable.

• Ignore (and don't comment on) certain behaviors to improve the parent-child relationship, especially with teens.

• Sleep is crucial for our kids (and for us) and impacts mood and behavior.

LINKS & RESOURCES

• Where to connect with Catherine and find out more about her work: The Family Coach Website Facebook Instagram

• Ignore It! How Selectively Looking the Other Way Can Decrease Behavioral Problems and Increase Parenting Satisfaction.

QUOTES

• Audrey: "I didn't think it would be as applicable in my own life. Since my youngest kids are now 13 and 16, but I found it really applicable."

• Catherine: "It's not how it looks on Facebook. Everybody really is going through something. They just don't talk about it, but I see it. So I know that everybody's going through stuff."

• Catherine: "When our kids start whining or complaining or arguing with us after we've already said no, and we've explained why, then we ignore their behavior and as soon as they stop, we reengage with them. It's very simple."

• Audrey: "Once you know what you do want them to be doing, you can reinforce that and really get it to happen more often."

• Catherine: "I think it's nice in my adult life when I do something nice for someone and they say, 'thank you.' It's nice when I do a great job at work and my boss says, "Wow, you did a really great job." All of those things help motivate me to continue to do a good job so if we're realistic, we all need that."

• Catherine: "What happens is when parents aren't on the same page, kids use it to their advantage always. They know exactly how to work the system, how to get mom and dad against each other and to basically get what they want or to get forgotten about while mom and dad are arguing over the little thing."

• Catherine: "Kids are really chronically overtired and that can account for a lot of mood issues. It can account for academic performance, depression, lots of issues for kids, just not getting an extra hour or two of sleep."

• Catherine: "There's nothing my kid can say that will let me have them keep their devices in their room because I know exactly what's happening on them and nothing good is happening at 3:00 AM on their phones."

• Catherine: "I live for camp. I was a camper. I was a counselor. I was a camp social worker and a Camp Director. I love camp. I send my kids to camp. I'm a big believer in the wide variety of benefits for camp."

IF YOU ENJOYED THIS EPISODE, YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE...

Raise Thriving Kids Parenting Course

Ep. 97: Parenting the Challenging Child

Ep. 95: Raising a Yes Brain Child with Tina Payne Bryson

Catch Them Doing the Right Thing

Focus on the "Do"s

ONE SIMPLE THING

"Try to live every day as if it was the final day of my extraordinary, ordinary life." -Tim (main character in About Time)

Learning to Enjoy the Little Things A Grateful Family is a Happy Family: 5 Gratitude Practices

MY FAVORITE

How much sleep do we really need? sleepfoundation.org

SUBSCRIBE TO SUNSHINE PARENTING

THANKS FOR LISTENING!

If you enjoyed this episode and know of others who would be encouraged by the ideas we talked about, please share!

Would you consider leaving a review for the Sunshine Parenting Podcast on iTunes? Reviews are very important for helping podcasts find their audiences, and I would love your support in helping people find Sunshine Parenting!

Would you like access to bonus podcast episodes & resources? Join my squad on Patreon!

Audrey

Join the Sunshine Parenting PATREON squad for bonus perks, including bonus podcast episodes and exclusive posts and resources!

Join Audrey's email subscriber community for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families.

This week on the podcast, hear directly from my kids about their thoughts about my parenting. My guests are my oldest and youngest kids, Gretchen (age 26) and Owen (age 17). They happen to be the only two of our kids at home with us during quarantine. We talk about life at home together during COVID, how my parenting has changed over the years, and their thoughts on rules, fairness, screen time, early bed times, siblings getting along, independence, and much more.

BIG IDEAS

• Parenting can get more "relaxed" over the years so that sometimes kids in different birth order positions have some different experiences.

• Understanding different family member's personalities can help you better understand areas where there are repeated arguments and learn how to better respond to each other.

• The oldest child often feels the burden of doing everything first and not having anyone to "follow."

• Sleep is so important!

• Seek support and advice from parents with kids your oldest child's age so that you can better understand and relate to what they're going through.

Photo Gallery LINKS & RESOURCES

• Ep. 135: Advice & Ideas from Teachers During COVID-19

• Ep. 82: Sibling Conflict, Part 1

• Ep. 86: Conflict Resolution Skills for Siblings (and Everyone Else!)

• Ep. 104: Know and Love Yourself AND Your Kids with Meredith Monke

• Ep. 34: Advice on College, Transferring, and How to Support Your Kids with Their Decisions with Charlotte Monke

• Ep. 139: Doing Life with Your Adult Children with Jim Burns

• Raise Thriving Kids

QUOTES

• Audrey: "I actually went to boarding school for high school and I really credit that experience with why I even ended up wanting to run a camp."

• Gretchen: "I remember when I was 13, almost every PG 13 movie I watched was researched beforehand if I was going to go to the movies with friends, I felt like there was more investment in what I was going to see."

• Gretchen: "Even when I did have a phone, I remember truly keeping it off all day at school, all through high school and middle school, unless I needed to contact anyone. But because it wasn't a smartphone, it was purely for communication."

• Owen: "I remember the big thing was probably limiting screen time on the computer. When I would come home from school, it would just turn off after 30 minutes."

• Owen: "Video games, I think for a while I had my video games screened before I could buy them."

• Audrey: "One of the things all parents really want is for their kids is to at least eventually get along."

• Gretchen: "Historically, it's like a ton of teasing, which fortunately I've turned out fine."

• Owen: "There's a lot of advantages. I think there's, what I just feel like, there are a lot less rules."

• Audrey: "Do you think there might be a correlation between being more responsible and mature and independent because you had these older siblings?"

• Gretchen: "I feel like because you're just dragged around in the car so much. I feel like you do need to be a more flexible person when you're younger."

• Audrey: "Well, you guys both know how important sleep is, right? If there's anything I've taught you in life, don't you feel better with a good night's sleep?"

• Gretchen: "The positives would for sure be reading every night and consistent family dinners, at least for some days of the week, depending on what works for people."

• Gretchen: "And for sure bedtimes too, at least when people are younger, I can't think of a major parenting fail."

• Audrey: "It tends to be a firstborn thing, I think, although not, I'm sure it's not always, but really trying to set a really high standard."

• Owen: "We stay connected. It's just I'd rather be at school."

• Gretchen: "It's been awesome. I think as someone who lived very independently for seven or eight years, I was very surprised by how much I love being home. And I love having this time with my parents and my brother. It's just such a unique opportunity that oftentimes you don't get in the middle of your twenties, to have family time again. So I'm definitely appreciating it and not planning on leaving anytime soon."

• Audrey: "Selfishly, I'm really enjoying it too, but mostly I feel bad for Owen because I know it's not as enjoyable for him."

• Owen: "It's not terrible."

• Audrey: "'It's not terrible.' By the way, that's like the highest form of a compliment from a 17-year-old."

IF YOU ENJOYED THIS EPISODE, YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE...

Raise Thriving Kids Parenting Course

Ep. 139: Doing Life with Your Adult Children with Jim Burns

Ready for Adulthood Check-List for Kids

Who's Not Ready for College?

ONE SIMPLE THING

This week's One Simple Thing tip is to set short term, one-week goals rather than lofty, year-long ones.

MY FAVORITE

Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live, Too, Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish

SUBSCRIBE TO SUNSHINE PARENTING

THANKS FOR LISTENING!

If you enjoyed this episode and know of others who would be encouraged by the ideas we talked about, please share!

Would you consider leaving a review for the Sunshine Parenting Podcast on iTunes? Reviews are very important for helping podcasts find their audiences, and I would love your support in helping people find Sunshine Parenting!

Would you like access to bonus podcast episodes & resources? Join my squad on Patreon!

Audrey

Check out Sara & Audrey's Raise Thriving Kids Course!

Join the Sunshine Parenting PATREON squad for bonus perks, including bonus podcast episodes and exclusive posts and resources!

Join Audrey's email subscriber community for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families.

This week on the podcast, Sara Kuljis and I talk about the challenges of having young adults (high school and college age) stuck at home during a season of their lives when they are most wanting to separate from us and be with their peers. In this episode, we talk about how to better understand and cope with our young adult children's behavior, especially during COVID.

ABOUT SARA KULJIS

Sara is a good friend, fellow camp professional, and a regular podcast guest on Sunshine Parenting. Sara is the mother of three young adults (two college students and one high schooler) and a Gallup Strengths Coach. She is the owner and director of Yosemite Sierra Summer Camp and Emerald Cove Day Camp. Sara offers popular parenting workshops in Southern California, including one we do together (Raise Thriving Kids).

BIG IDEAS

• COVID has in many ways, robbed young adults of the opportunity to really lean into where they naturally are in their developmental stages.

• Parents can help honor losses. I think it's important to name, What makes me sad? What makes me frustrated? Why do I feel angry? And not all young people know how to identify where those feelings are coming from.

• Feeling the loss with them, holding it with them or telling them that it's okay to feel yucky about those things. I think that's a really important role that a parent can play, hold losses without judgment. I think it's also important that we need to acknowledge our own losses,

• This COVID season might be a season for some of us to be thoughtful and to kind of step back and look under the waters, even reach out for some professional help if necessary.

• We as parents, for some of us, we may need to let go of some of the smaller battles or the smaller concerns. It's not about the GPA perhaps this semester or this year. It might be more important to focus on a healthy relationship and how to manage stress and how to be supportive.

LINKS & RESOURCES

• Ep. 139: Doing Life with Your Adult Children with Jim Burns

• Jim Burns "Doing life with Your Adult Children: Keep Your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Mat Out"

• Raise Thriving Kids

QUOTES

• Sarah: "You know, for some young adults, older teens, and college students, COVID has ended up being kind of a gift for them."

• Audrey: "Knowing that this is not something that as an adult, we can say, 'Oh well, I didn't get to go on this vacation this year, but we can go in a couple of years so we can get it back.' For these kids and that age, they won't get it back. So that's sad. That's a real loss that is hard to even fathom because we didn't go through this at their age."

• Audrey: "I think that's one thing that we need to remember through all this, even though their behavior and their response might irritate us, I think really digging deep to that empathy of realizing how different it is for them going through this then it is for us as adults."

• Sarah: "I really felt compelled to kind of remind myself of the developmental stages that these young adults are in and go back to the root. Why and how is this young adult needing to behave this way? Where's this coming from? And it's great to realize and to remember that the developmental stages that these young adults are in are times where they are searching and ready and wired for autonomy and self-reliance and some new independence."

• Audrey: "I've talked about this a lot with parents is that you have these children and you nurture them and you raise them and really your goal is to make yourself not necessary. Which is a weird job. Have a job where the end goal is to not be needed anymore."

• Audrey: "We need to recognize that we have some ambivalence about our kids growing up and becoming their own people."

• Audrey: "I think that's on both sides, we have to really do some adjusting and thinking about how this is impacting us and our families."

• Sarah: "As best as we can remember not to take their crankiness, their uncooperativeness, their irritability, maybe their silence, or their anger personally."

• Audrey: "It's really the same kind of communication stuff that we need to be doing all the time with our kids regardless of their age. That whole validating things, sometimes parents get it wrong. Where if our child is sad about something, even if it seems unimportant to us, we need to validate the feeling and not undermine what they're going through."

• Audrey: "If we want our kids to keep talking to us about things we can't diminish what's important to them, which is maybe different than what's important to us."

• Audrey: "That's what I think a lot of times we do that as people, whether it's with our children or another relationships, we react to what was said or the eye roll or whatever it is. And then we've missed that opportunity to connect over something much more important."

• Sarah: "As parents, we start as caregivers and then they get a little older and then where their coach and then we move into that consultant stage."

• Sarah: " To sum up everything, this is messy. But with thoughtfulness and with a real partnership with our young adults, I think we can be okay."

• Audrey: "Many adults are going through hard things right now. So I think we can also model for our kids in terms of if we need some counseling or some support to show them that it's okay to do that. And that lots of people are doing it right now."

• Audrey: "So I just want to encourage people that everyone's going through a hard time. And even if people are posting happy photos, there's some strife going on inside homes everywhere right now. And we need to just realize that that's human nature when you're stuck together for a long time. And especially when kids who are meant to be out and about and spreading their wings have had their wings clipped."

IF YOU ENJOYED THIS EPISODE, YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE...

Raise Thriving Kids Parenting Course

Ep. 152: Putting on Your COVID Mask First

Ep. 153: Rethinking School & Education During the Pandemic

Ep. 132: Creating Structure, Fun, & Connection

Ep. 139: Doing Life with Your Adult Children with Jim Burns

Ready for Adulthood Check-List for Kids

Who's Not Ready for College?

ONE SIMPLE THING

This week's One Simple Thing tip is to start (or continue) a Daily Family Sharing practice. You can read about it more in this post: How to Have a Closer Family in 5 Minutes a Day

MY FAVORITE

A Year of Positive Thinking for Teens, Katie Hurley, LCSW

Description of A YEAR OF POSITIVE THINKING

Transform your thoughts and find the confidence to navigate your teen years with positive thinking

Being a teen can be an emotional roller coaster. When you're overwhelmed by unrealistic expectations from your friends, family, social media feed, teachers, and even yourself, it's normal to have thoughts and feelings like This is too hard or I'll never measure up. With A Year of Positive Thinking for Teens, you'll discover how to overcome these anxious thought patterns, and build a happier, more positive mindset to achieve your goals.

Let go of stress with relatable prompts and reflections―all grounded in positive thinking and positive psychology strategies. Find a daily dose of motivation through insightful quotes and affirmations designed to encourage you to embrace happiness one day, one thought, and one year at a time.

This guide to positive thinking includes:

• Pockets of joy―Practice positive thinking in the moment with this beautiful, easy-to-navigate, and portable book.
• Achieve your dreams―Insightful quotes and affirmations will help you remember your strengths, stay motivated, and reach your goals.
• Teens like you―From self-esteem issues to social media stress, you'll discover prompts to help you through a wide range of issues teens face every day.

Find confidence, courage, and clarity on the road to adulthood with positive thinking.

SUBSCRIBE TO SUNSHINE PARENTING

THANKS FOR LISTENING!

If you enjoyed this episode and know of others who would be encouraged by the ideas, please share!

Leave a review for the Sunshine Parenting Podcast on iTunes! Reviews are very important for helping podcasts find their audiences, and I would love your support in helping people find Sunshine Parenting!

Would you like access to bonus posts, resources and podcast episodes? Join my squad on Patreon!

Audrey

SHOW NOTES

Join the Sunshine Parenting PATREON squad for bonus perks, including bonus podcast episodes and exclusive posts and resources!

Join Audrey's email subscriber community for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families.

Bethany Saltman, this week's guest, is the author of Strange Situation: A Mother's Journey into the Science of Attachment. Bethany is an author, award-winning editor, and researcher. Her work has been in The New Yorker, New York Magazine, Atlantic Monthly, Parents, and many other publications. Bethany also works as a best-selling book coach, a communications director, and an in-demand mindfulness mentor, consulting writers and entrepreneurs at all stages of their creative process. She helps her clients envision and execute projects, from book proposals to content development and messaging to Big Ideas, and more. A longtime student of Zen, Bethany is devoted to the fine art and game-changing effects of paying attention. She lives in a small town in the Catskills with her family.

BIG IDEAS

• Being a Zen (or Buddhist) parent

• How to come to terms with who we are as a person and as a parent.

• Steps for being in the moment with our kids and returning to ourselves.

• How meditation (noticing the thought, let it go, return to your breath/body, return to your intention to be a kind and attuned parent)

LINKS & RESOURCES

• Where to connect with and find out more about Bethany and her work: Website Instagram Twitter LinkedIn

• Bethany's Flowers Fall: Field Notes from a Buddhist Mom's Experimental Life column (Chronogram Magazine)

• Dr. Dan Siegel

• Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.

• The AAI (Adult Attachment Interview)

QUOTES

• Bethany: "I learned that secure attachment is not what I thought it was, and it's much bigger, it's much more forgiving, it's really much more empowering than Dr. Sears would ever have you think."

• Bethany: "That's the beautiful thing about this work is that it really directs us so much deeper than those superficial feelings."

• Bethany: "It's a very primitive orientation towards security and towards safety."

• Bethany: "Just let anything happen and stop talking. In time, your senses will return and you'll come back to yourself."

IF YOU ENJOYED THIS EPISODE, YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE...

Ep. 121: The Power of Showing Up with Dr. Tina Payne Bryson

Ep: 136: Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D. on Showing Up for our Kids During COVID-19

Ep. 103: How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t with Your Kids

Good Things Come to Those Who Breathe

Ep. 97: Parenting the Challenging Child

Ep. 151: Dealing with Uncertainty & Building Resilience with Dr. Nicole Beurkens

ONE SIMPLE THING

This week's One Simple Thing is one of the "Sticky Note Solutions" from Happy Campers: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults.

MY FAVORITE

Half Time: Moving from Success to Significance by Bob Buford

SUBSCRIBE TO SUNSHINE PARENTING

THANKS FOR LISTENING!

If you enjoyed this episode and know of others who would be encouraged by the ideas, please share!

Leave a review for the Sunshine Parenting Podcast on iTunes! Reviews are very important for helping podcasts find their audiences, and I would love your support in helping people find Sunshine Parenting!

Would you like to have access to bonus posts and podcast episodes and be part of my next book? Join me as a supporter on Patreon!

Audrey

SHOW NOTES

Are you a Super Fan of Sunshine Parenting? I'd love to connect with you and share patron-only podcast episodes and resources and exclusive early content from my next book! Check out my brand-new Patreon tiers and join me for as little as $5 per month!

Become a Patron!

"Those things that are really, really important are generally the things that you wouldn't be able to take in a fire."Audrey Monke

Hi Podcast Friends, This week I share a personal update and some insights.

Among other things, I talk about: • The fire that threatened my camp last week and thoughts on what we choose to take in an evacuation. • Prioritizing our own and our children's mental health. • My journey towards learning to accept mediocrity.

I also share about the work I'm doing through GATA (Gold Arrow Teacher Academy) to support and encourage teachers in the areas of Creating Community, Celebrating Strengths, Cultivating Character.

And I talk about my goal of "finding my people" through my new Patreon community.

Thanks for listening to this episode and joining me in raising a generation of kids who become thriving adults!

Here's to raising a generation of kids who become thriving adults!

Audrey

I can't wait to get back outside (after the smoke clears).

BIG IDEAS

• The most important things in our life aren't things.

• Importance of prioritizing our own, and our children's, mental health.

• Teachers need support and resources to connect and engage with students (GATA).

• We can take small steps, and make simple changes, to help ourselves and our children flourish.

LINKS & RESOURCES

• Creek Fire News Update (Gold Arrow Camp)

• GATA (Gold Arrow Teacher Academy)

• Join Sunshine Parenting on Patreon

QUOTES

• "Think about what it is you value. What would you really want to take with you (besides people & pets) if you only had 10 minutes to gather it up?"

• "We need to remember to prioritize the mental health of ourselves and our kids. Even before this pandemic, we've been in a crisis of anxiety and depression being on the rise and teen suicide being on the rise. For many, the pandemic has made those preexisting mental health conditions even worse."

• "I really want to encourage us all to really take stock of how we're doing, how our kids are doing and what maybe simple steps or changes we can make and our homes and our families for ourselves personally, to improve our mental health, not just so that we're not depressed or anxious, but so that we're actually flourishing or thriving."

• "Sometimes the answers are right in front of us and we already kind of know them."

• "Getting therapy was so helpful to help me reframe everything and really think through how I got myself to the point where I was and what I could do to get back to feeling better and being my best self."

• "This year, this time, and this season are not a time to overachieve. For some of us, it's a really good time to just get the job done and be okay being average."

• "I'd rather have a small group of people who have more interaction and back and forth."

• "I invite you to join me in stepping back and prioritizing, perhaps picking just one project that you want to focus on this fall, whether it's a work related project, something in your family, or a relationship you want to work on, or maybe it's something for your own mental health. I feel like we all need to step back at this point and really prioritize, because as I've learned in the last week, most of what we do or gather around us will or can disappear. But those things that are really, really important are generally the things that you wouldn't be able to take in a fire."

Would you like to have access to bonus posts and podcast episodes and be part of my next book? Join me on as a supporter on Patreon!

SHOW NOTES​

Monitoring our kids' tech use is one of our biggest challenges as parents. In this episode, I chat with Dr. Shimi Kang about strategies for raising our kids with a healthy "tech diet." We discuss several of the concepts from her new book, The Tech Solution: Creating Healthy Habits for Kids Growing Up in a Digital World.

ABOUT DR. SHIMI KANG

Dr. Shimi Kang is an award-winning, Harvard-trained doctor, researcher, media expert, writer, and keynote speaker who specializes in how the mind works. Dr. Kang provide science-based solutions for innovation, leadership, wellness, and resilience. She's spent over 20 years in researching, treating, and working with people from all walks of life. Dr. Kang is passionate about providing science-based tools that optimize the power of the human brain. She is the founder of Dolphin Kids: Future-Ready Leaders, CEO of Spark Mindset App, and host of the YouTube show; "Mental Wealth with Dr. Shimi Kang".

Her books have been released in 12 countries around the world and her newest title, The Tech Solution: Creating Healthy Habits for Kids Growing up in a Digital World, is now available!

BIG IDEAS

• The tech we consume impacts our minds, just like the food we consume impacts our bodies, knowing that then now we can start to help them understand that toxic tech is any tech that releases that stress response.

• We have to understand that technology is like no other product that has come before. There's something called persuasive design. This is a deliberate use of very sophisticated neuroscience. Our dopamine pathways are being used to really get us attracted and keep us on screens.

• The good news is that habits can always change. We have something called neuroplasticity, which means we can always build new pathways.

• I talk about future ready kids having the C's of 21st century learning. Children who understand communication, collaboration, critical thinking, creativity, and contribution. All of these are gonna be played out online as much as real life. That's going to be the new future ready child and adults.

LINKS & RESOURCES

• Dr. Shimi Kang, MD Website

• The Tech Solution

•​ The Dolphin Parent

• Mental Wealth with Dr. Shimi Kang MD - Youtube Channel

• Dr. Shimi Kang on Facebook

• Dr. Shimi Kang on Instagram

Please leave a review for the Sunshine Parenting Podcast over on iTunes. Reviews are very important for helping podcasts find their audiences, and I would love your support in helping people find Sunshine Parenting!

To subscribe to the podcast so you don't miss a single episode, you can do so on iTunes here and Android here.

SHOW NOTES

This week's conversation is with Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D., the trusted, down-to-earth parenting expert many of us have grown to trust over the years due to her pragmatic, research-based approach and advice.

Tina has researched and written the reference book every new parent needs to combat the anxiety from competing advice from family and friends. In The Bottom Line for Baby, Tina boils down the actual scientific research in short, 2-4 page spreads. She covers many topics including vaccines, co-sleeping, germs, and circumcision. Sometimes the science is clear and sometimes it isn't, but this book arms you with the data you need to know whether your gut instinct about your own child is the direction you should go. She also arms you with the science to defend allowing your child to play in the dirt when you have well-meaning relatives who think you're letting your kid get too dirty.

The Bottom Line for Baby is the book every new parent needs during this era of information overload for parents. It'll be my go-to new baby gift for many years to come.

Big Ideas

• An exhausted parent can flip to that subject and within just a few minutes, have the latest science on that topic and then be given a bottom line about what to do.
• I'll just give you a sneak preview, it's really good for kids to be exposed to germs.
• So we should just love each other and understand that people have different webs for the decisions they make.
• I do want parents to say, "You know what, this isn't working for my family, but it's allowing me to be a better parent in another way." And to have that more positive self talk around, or that framework around the decisions we make.

Quotes

Audrey: This is just so necessary right now because I think like you said, especially when you're a new parent, you just want to do things right. And right now what's right is so confusing. So to be able to have this reference book, it is going to be my go-to baby gift from now on. I wish I had had it too.

Audrey: You've summarized instead of us having to go out and find all the science, which is so, so great.

Audrey: I heard you talk about it in another setting and you were saying about also just kind of going with your gut.

Tina: Just how much we are so hard on ourselves and how we can be so hard on other people, especially around these super controversial topics like vaccination, sleep training, co-sleeping, breastfeeding, you know, those are all such hot button issues for people.

Tina: I hope this is how it's experienced, is that parents will walk away with the idea that knowledge is power. 'I am now informed on the latest science on this topic and now Tina has just empowered me to trust my baby and to trust my instincts and to do what's right for our family, regardless of what everybody else says.'

Tina: Every decision we make is not done in a vacuum. The decisions we make are part of a web.

Tina: And there are many, many ways to be a great parent. And if that's not something that works for you and your baby and your family, you can let that go and ignore people who criticize you.

Audrey: So just to be nicer to yourself and it's okay.

Audrey: And you can also pivot. Do you know what I mean? If something isn't working, like if you're trying one way because your neighbor or somebody said, 'this is the way you have to do it', and then it doesn't work for you. There's no reason you can't say, 'well, you know what? I tried that, and it's not right for me.'

Tina: I think you get perspective, as you have more kids, as you're around more kids that there really are very few, have too's.

Tina: So giving in and changing your mind and holding the boundary are three different things. And the first one's not so good, the other two are perfectly acceptable. I want my kids to change their minds about things. I want them to be open when they have new information. So I want to model that too.

Watch a Video of Audrey & Tina's Conversation Listen to Audrey & Tina's Previous Conversations

Ep: 136: Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D. on Showing Up for our Kids During COVID-19

Ep. 121: The Power of Showing Up with Dr. Tina Payne Bryson

Ep. 95: Raising a Yes Brain Child with Tina Payne Bryson

More Resources about The Bottom Line for Baby

Links

Tina Payne Bryson, PH.D.

The Bottom Line for Baby

Tina's Instagram

Publisher's Weekly Review

Tina's short-run podcast series with Dr. Phil Boucher (pediatrician)

Dr. Phil Boucher (pediatrician)

Tina's video blogs, with content to support parents through the pandemic

Gold Arrow Teacher Academy

About the Author: Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D., is the Founder and Executive Director of The Center for Connection, a multidisciplinary clinical practice in Southern California. She is the co-author (with Daniel J. Siegel) of two New York Times best sellers, The Whole-Brain Child and No-Drama Discipline, as well as The Yes Brain and The Power of Showing Up. Dr. Bryson keynotes conferences and conducts workshops for parents, educators, and clinicians all over the world, and she frequently consults with schools, businesses, and other organizations. An LCSW, Dr. Bryson is a graduate of Baylor University with a Ph.D. from USC. She lives in Los Angeles with her husband and three children.

One Simple Thing

Consider doing a September Reset.

Take some time to prioritize things you want to do differently.

My Favorite

This week I'm sharing a favorite that I've shared before. This pandemic has left many of us with a lot less time to listen to podcast. Laura Vanderkam's Before Breakfast Podcast is a quick daily podcast with helpful tips for productivity.

Before Breakfast Podcast: Tips from Happy Campers Book!

I'm a big fan of Laura Vanderkam's other books and advice, as well. You can listen to our chat about her excellent book, Off the Clock, here: Ep. 56: Off the Clock with Laura Vanderkam

SHOW NOTES

This week on the podcast, I bring you my conversation with Dr. Courtney Thomas Tobin, an Assistant Professor in the Department of Community Health Sciences at the UCLA School of Public Health. You may remember Courtney from Episode 145, when I spoke with her and her husband Danny about welcoming a black son in 2020.

Courtney has a PhD in Sociology and studies issues of race-based stress, coping, and mental health among Black Americans. In this episode, we talk about her research and she shares suggestions for coping during stressful times like the one we're all in now.