Sunshine Parenting

Show Notes

Tap into the camp values of gratitude, attitude, and courage to help you and your family cope during COVID-19! This week on the podcast, I'm chatting with camp professional and podcaster Cole Kelly about summer camp and how his family is coping with sheltering at home.

Cole and his wife Kate are the owners and directors of Camp Weequahic in Lakewood, Pennsylvania. Cole spends his summers setting the tone for camp, joining in on the fun with the kids, and supporting both the staff members at camp and parents back home in every way possible. While there are too many joys of camp to list, getting the youngest campers' 'happies' each night and leading the weekly Friday Night Campfires are among his favorites. During the off-season, Cole travels to meet potential new families around the world and oversees the preparations for another great summer.

Both Kate and Cole have come a long way together from captaining their collegiate teams (soccer at Dartmouth for Kate and golf at Virginia for Cole.) When not talking camp or volunteering in their home community of Athens, GA, Kate and Cole spend their time parenting their three boys – Cole3 (16), Jack (14) and Luke (12) – and caring for Camp Dog Mac.

Cole hosts the Campfire Conversation Podcast: Listen to Audrey's interview with Cole on the Campfire Conversation Podcast.

Play! It's good for everyone! - Michael Brandwein on Campfire Conversation (mentioned in this episode).

Download Screentime Ticket Checklist from Camp Weequahic.

Gretchen's Daily Activities Checklist

Cole's posts about gratitude, attitude, and courage: Gratitude in Action The Space Between Speaking from the Heart

Big Ideas

Many camps focus on character-building and have resources that can be helpful to families right now.

It's important for us to encourage our kids to move, connect with their friends, and have fun!

Family members may need breaks from each other and will feel refreshed after some time to themselves.

There may be games or activities that your family has not done in awhile that they may enjoy together again now.

QUOTES

Cole: There's a great quote that says that crisis doesn't build character. It reveals character. And the crisis that we're going through has shown what the character is of the camp community, which is we're here to help. We know about kids, we know about connection, we know about relationships.

Cole: We're trying to keep people's minds off it while also always pointing back to the values of our camp, which is what we really focus on, which is gratitude. We've talked all the time that a grateful heart is a happy heart, attitude is the only thing you have total control over in your life. So choose a good one and then building courage.

Cole: This moment that we're in right now, those values are so vitally important to practice and to put out into the world.

Audrey: Try to recreate a little of that camp magic.

Cole: The other things we're counseling families to do is whatever you can do to add a little bit of fun.

Cole: Perfect is the enemy at this point. You just need to be there and be with your kids and want to relate.

Cole: If parents treat this as an opportunity, they can connect with their kids in ways that will leave a very big lasting impression.

Audrey: I do think that so many people are struggling because they're trying to figure out this new normal, but instead of putting so much pressure that everything has to be perfect, just like you said, let's just do a little bit of fun and connection

Audrey: We need breaks even from each other during this time.

Resources/Related Posts

Ep. 63: Growing Gratitude with Sara Kuljis

Advice & Encouragement During COVID-19: Bringing Camp Home with Maria Horner

Advice & Encouragement During COVID-19: Bringing Camp Home with Mike & Mary Endres

Advice & Encouragement During COVID-19: Bringing Camp Home with Ariella Rogge

Happy Campers Camps

Video version of our interview ONE SIMPLE THING

Pick a Summer Theme!

MY FAVORITE

Dr. Michele Borba's quick tips on Twitter & Instagram are my favorite for this week.

Dr. Michele Borba on Twitter Dr. Michele Borba on Instagram

Check out my recent interview with Dr. Borba about her book Unselfie: Ep. 138: Unselfie with Dr. Michele Borba

In this episode, I'm chatting with "Happy Science Mom" Sandi Schwartz about how we can use nature to help us - and our kids - feel happier during COVID-19 and beyond. At the time of our recording, Sandi was on Day 66 of her "Ecohappiness" Challenge, and she's shooting for 100 days of doing something nature-related to improve her well-being. We talk about some of the very doable, simple activities she's tried as well as the benefits of getting ourselves outside. Grab Sandi's FREE 30-Day Ecohappiness Challenge Calendar filled with fun and relaxing activities for your family to enjoy together without even leaving your own neighborhood.

Sandi is the writer behind the blog Happy Science Mom. She has also published hundreds of articles in outlets such as Motherly, Scary Mommy, and more, and recently her blog was listed in Feedspot's list of Top 100 Mom Blogs Every Mommy Must Read in 2020. Sandi researches and writes about nature and its positive effects on us and is currently working on a book on the topic. Sandi lives in Florida with her husband and two children, a daughter in elementary school and a son in middle school.

Big Ideas

• Being in nature is healing to us and to our kids.

• Participating in something nature-related (even if you have to stay indoors) is positive for our mental health.

• There are so many ways to bring nature into our lives.

Quotes

Sandi: You can really tap into nature in so many different ways. And when it comes to your kids, you don't have to necessarily force them to do something they don't enjoy. You could kind of spin it off from something they already love. So if they're into art, so have them go on a nature walk and then even nature photography have them, um, you know, paint a picture, draw a picture of something that they love. If there are athletes, get them outdoors more playing their sports. There's just so many options that we can, you know, weave in, in nature.

Audrey: We each have our own unique combination of experiences that kind of lead to the things we need to learn.

Audrey: If you want to raise a child who becomes a thriving adult, they need to see what that looks like. They need to see a parent who's showing them the way that when things get hard, how do you deal with it? What are your strategies for coping during difficult times?

Sandi: The coolest part is that even the days that I'm kind of like tapped out and I'm like, am I going to come up with something unique today? Something appears.

Sandi: You don't always have to work hard to seek out nature. It can find you as well.

Audrey: You can see the silver linings and it sounds like you've really found a silver lining in your, what you always knew: your knowledge that nature can heal and can help through challenging times.

Sandi: I appreciate the well-roundedness of how we can reach out to nature, whether it's through your computer, your balcony, your backyard, or if you're going on a hike.

Audrey: It's a very relaxing feeling to be fully in nature.

Sandi: You don't necessarily have to be at the natural water body to experience it. A lot of it is even closing your eyes and imagining you are at the beach. Water is so powerful.

Audrey: Sometimes we try to separate different parts of us, but really we are part of nature and the world and our bodies are also really connected with how we feel like drinking enough water and getting sun and getting that vitamin D. So there's so much that it's all interconnected. So being outside is obviously something that we all need.

Sandi: Nature also gives us that positive ability to go back and be in awe even from our past experiences.

Resources & Links Happy Science Mom

Happy Science Mom on Facebook

Happy Science Mom on Instagram

Happy Science Mom on Twitter

The Happiness Project by: Gretchen Rubin

Blue Mind by: Wallace J. Nichols

Related Posts & Podcast Episodes Advice & Encouragement During COVID-19: Bringing Camp Home with Ariella Rogge 7 Reasons to #optoutside One Simple Thing

Do one thing outside as a family this week, even if it's just for 20 minutes.

Ideas:

picnic on a deck or in your backyard

walk or bike around your neighborhood

chalk art or basketball in the driveway

golden hour photo shoot

nature bingo

What simple outdoor activities have you tried with your family? Comment or send me pictures!

My Favorite

For all these reasons, spending time in nature with your children may be an ideal way to nurture family bonds, whether you're dealing with a fussy infant or a recalcitrant teen. Nature doesn't have ring tones or deadlines. You can reach it without spending a penny. And you can even get outdoors together with other families to increase the sociability and fun. As parents like Debra Scott have discovered, getting outdoors can help both you and your child feel better, while giving you common ground for discovery and play.

-Sara St. Antoine , "Together in Nature: Pathways to Stronger, Closer Families" (Children & Nature Network

Spurred by my conversation with Sandi, my favorite this week is the Children & Nature Network. Founded by Richard Louv (best-selling author of Last Child in the Woods and Nature Deficit Disorder), C&NN offers free resources and tools for families and organizations to help get kid out in nature.

Free PDF Dowloads from Children & Nature Network Nature Clubs for Families Together in Nature: Pathways to Stronger, Closer Families

Link to show notes for this episode.

Katherine Reynolds Lewis is an independent journalist, author and speaker based in the Washington D.C. area on topics including parenting, children, education, mental health, technology, work, entrepreneurship, caregiving, diversity, equity and inclusion. Her award-winning book, The Good News About Bad Behavior (PublicAffairs, April 2018), explains why modern kids are so undisciplined and tells the stories of innovators who are rebuilding lost self-regulation, resolving family conflict and changing the trajectory of young lives. Based on the most-read article ever published by Mother Jones, the book documents a new model of discipline for a generation of children who are out of control. Katherine is a certified parent educator with the Parent Encouragement Program in Kensington, Md.

Katherine contributes to The Atlantic, Experience Life, Medium, Parents, USA Today's magazine group, the Washington Post and Working Mother magazine. Her byline has also appeared in Bloomberg Businessweek, Fortune, MSN Money, Money, the New York Times, Parade, Slate, and the Washington Post Magazine. She's appeared on CNN, NPR, Bloomberg television and radio, and HuffPost Live, as well as many TV and radio programs nationally and internationally.

Big Ideas

Kids today really do behave differently than in previous generations.

It's important to model to our kids how to calm down or stay in control when we are stressed so that they can learn what works best for them in their own situations.

Connecting with your child goes a long way.

Making mundane things fun by playing a game, timing it, or doing it in a different way are effective techniques worth trying with your kids.

It's important to reframe the way we look at a child's misbehavior.

Quotes

Audrey: If we can't show our kids how to appropriately handle difficult situations, that's hard for them too.

Audrey: There are things that we can do to positively influence our kids by being more aware of our own triggers and how we can respond more effectively in different situations.

Katherine: And when you start modeling all of the many strategies there are for self-regulating, then your kids first of all see, Oh, it's normal to feel disregulated many times during the day and to need to bring yourself back under control. And then they start thinking, Oh well what would, what would work for me?

Katherine: We always try to have this conversation of: I see you're starting to get worked up. I'm noticing your face is getting a little flushed. What do you think would help? Right. And the more that we start turning it back to our kids so that they tune in to their own bodies and their own needs, then they're going to find the solutions that work for them.

Audrey: So these behaviors that we see, a lot of it is just that they are not able to comply if they don't have the skill yet.

Katherine: The apprenticeship model is really viewing our kids as capable of growth and change.

Katherine: Relationship is the foundation of self regulation.

Katherine: Even if it's little by little by little, even if it's two step forward, one step back, having that faith and vision that our kids are able to succeed, if we can have that vision for them, then they can start to believe it and inhabit it as well.

Katherine: The information you're getting from your kids through their behavior is just data and it helps you to figure out, okay, what might be going on? How can we potentially find a better path, um, through this challenge.

Katherine: The apprenticeship model is these three Cs, connection, communication and capability building.

Katherine: I think so often parents are asking authors like us, "What do I do? What's the technique that will make my kid be perfect? That will make them finally do what I, what they need to do in this situation." But it really comes down to that relationship between you and your child. And I think that if you or I were in someone's home, we still wouldn't have all of the clues that the parent has to to really understand the dynamics and what might help and what might be the underlying issue.

Audrey: It's fun for them. You've made it so that something that happens every day and is mundane suddenly is like appealing and kind of fun.

Katherine: Sometimes if we can just lighten up as parents, have a little faith, and make it silly and playful, that's going to be the most effective way to just change the script a little bit so the kids aren't getting a long lecture or they're not earnestly sharing their feelings. They're just playing the game.

Audrey: Sometimes it's just a matter of using things that you already use with other relationships more in your parent child relationship.

Katherine: Everyone wants to feel that connection. They want to be listened to, have respectful communication, and they want to be seen as capable of growth.

Audrey: I'm often talking to parents about that capability piece that actually making sure our kids know that they are valued and important contributors to our homes.

Katherine: If we can instead say, "Oh great, I'm going to take the extra 20 minutes to teach you how to sweep or spray a bottle to wash the windows or chop up vegetables for salad, then it feeds that sense of belonging that is the deepest human need to feel that we belong in our family and our community, whatever group we're part of, that we're needed and that we authentically contribute.

Audrey: It was neat to me to hear that the contribution goes beyond your home. And I think that's sort of the ultimate goal.

Katherine: Instead of drilling our kids with flashcards or working on their times tables, if we could just say, "Hey, would you like to help me organize the spice rack?" That's going to be just as important, if not more to their success. Plus it's an activity we do together. They're helping our home. There's so many things packed into these simple household tasks that we can do together.

Resources and Links

Katherine Reynolds Lewis Website

Book: The Good News about Bad Behavior

Parent Encouragement Program in Kensington, Maryland

Explosive Child Book

Lost at School Book

Viral Story for Mother Jones Magazine

Study Comparing Russian Kindergartners Today to Russian Kindergarteners 50 Years Ago

One Simple Thing

During this pandemic, a simple thing you can do to improve your own and others' well-being is to lower your expectations and standards for yourself and everyone else. I talked about this in my interview on the Happier in Hollywood podcast.

I like the concept of the "Minimum Effective Dose" I learned from Dr. Christine Carter in her book, The Sweet Spot, and it seems especially helpful during this challenging time.

The "minimum effective dose" (MED) is considered to be the lowest dose of a pharmaceutical product that spurs a clinically significant change in health or well-being. In order to live and work from my sweet spot, I had to find the MED in everything in my life: sleep, meditation, blogging frequency, checking my email, school volunteering, homework help, date nights.

We have a deep-seated conviction that more work, more enrichment activities for the kids, more likes on Facebook or Instagram, more stuff would be better. Unless we like feeling exhausted and overwhelmed, we need to accept that more is not necessarily better and that our go-go-go culture, left unchecked, will push us not only beyond our MED — but beyond the "maximum tolerated dose," the level at which an activity (or drug) becomes toxic and starts causing an adverse reaction.

-Christine Carter, Ph.D.

Want to listen to my conversations with Christine on the podcast?

Ep. 127: The New Adolescence with Christine Carter, Ph.D.

Ep. 41: Getting Comfortable with our Kids' (and our own) Discomfort with Christine Carter

Ep. 1: Raising Happiness with Christine Carter

My Favorite

Download Christine's free eBook, How to Gain an Extra Day Each Week: 3 Science-based Strategies to generate more time for the things things that matter most.

I especially like Step 1 in Tactic No. 1 (Upgrade Your Task List): Decide on your Top Five priorities. Not just at work, but in life. It's really hard to narrow down priorities, but it's an important first step in figuring out which tasks to prioritize.

When I read The Sweet Spot several years ago, I spent some time figuring out my priorities. I pulled my copy out and saw that my number three priority was writing my book, which I only managed to do because I put it as one of five priorities.

This pandemic has made it clear to me that I need to prioritize what's most important to me. Christine's book and advice helped me realize that having too many priorities scatters my attention and effort and makes me frustrated and less effective in the relationships and activities that I value most.

Listener Question

Hi! I am the in-school suspension lady at my school, and I need some kind of activities or lessons to teach my 5th through 8th graders when they get into a fight or defiance towards a teacher. Do you have any ideas?

Mary

• Connect, connect, connect! It's challenging when we have so many kids to manage, but connecting with children and letting them know that they are loved and cared for despite their behavior is so important.

Instead of getting angry at the child for their behavior, look at them with curiosity. You can read more about why the child's behavior is likely due to their neurobiology and a lack of appropriate coping skills. My favorite books and videos on this topic are from Dr. Dan Sieigel and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D., including their best-selling books, The Whole-Brain Child, No-Drama Discipline, The Yes Brain, & The Power of Showing Up

• Talk about calm down strategies when the child is in a calm state (not when they are agitated/ "in trouble") so that they can start learning to self-regulate.

• Brainstorm what works for them. Empower the child to come up with their own ideas. For younger kids, you could have them make their own Conflict Resolution Wheel.

I write a lot about strategies for connecting with kids and forming close relationships, as well as how to flip the script on traditional, punitive discipline, in my book, Happy Campers. I invite you to download a free chapter (Secret #1: Connection Comes First) and see if my book could be another resource for you!

Video: Emotional Responsiveness with Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.

Ep. 95: Raising a "Yes Brain" Child with Tina Payne Bryson

Ep. 97: Parenting the Challenging Child

Ep. 110: Keep Calm & Parent On

10 Ways to Teach Kids to Calm Down

5 Steps to Help Kids Resolve Conflicts

Show notes & links.

In this episode, Audry is joined by Alyssa Westring, co-author of Parents Who Lead: The Leadership Approach You Need to Parent with Purpose, Fuel Your Career, and Create a Richer Life. Alyssa is an associate professor of management at the Driehaus College of Business, DePaul University, and has studied organizational psychology, particularly work-life integration.

Parenting life isn't easy and many people feel guilty, stressed, and on autopilot, instead of being present with their families at the end of a busy workday. It is possible for parents to harness the powerful science of leadership in order to thrive in all aspects of their lives.

Big Ideas

Parents Who Lead was co-authored with Stuart Friedman, who wrote Total Leadership. Westring and Friedman took the leadership principles that were more individual-focused and applied them, along with some new research, to parenting.

They look at what it means to be a total leader and a leader in all parts of life. Parents can be just as intentional about seeking purpose in parenting as they are about seeking fulfillment in their careers. For the past 3 years, she has focused on working parents and discovering ways they can parent more effectively and thrive in their careers and personal lives.

Her research asks:

• How do we help people make better choices about balancing work and family?
• How do we help organizations make better policies?
• How do we influence these things on a national level and on a global level?

She shares the "Four Way View." We think of these four domains of our lives as if they are four buckets:

1. career - work or school
2. family - kids, partner, extended family
3. community - friends, neighbors, religious or political organizations
4. self - mind, body, and spirit

Looking for four-way wins means not settling for changes in one part of your life that make things worse in another.

When you're overwhelmed, ask yourself:

How important is it? How much time and energy am I spending on it? How am I doing? How satisfied am I? Look at how all of those pieces fit into the puzzle of your life. This reveals opportunities to make things better across domains, not just in one.

What are the values that you hope define this moment in your lives, as an individual and as a family? How do our values impact the choices we make on a daily basis?

When parents realize they can assert more control and achieve better outcomes for themselves and others, they feel less overwhelmed. Mental health improves when parents learn how to pursue four-way wins.

Quotes

Audrey: "A lot of what I teach parents and what I've learned is from leadership and working to get your company on the same page culturally, creating a positive culture."

Audrey: "At work, we're often so much better about stepping back and doing strategic planning once a year, looking at what's going well, what's not going well, having weekly meetings. There's so much structure usually in our careers but often we forget to apply those same principles at home."

Alyssa: "Many dual-career couples are so enlightened about what great leadership looks like at work and then they get home they turn into these annoying micromanagers. We forget all of that good stuff that we learned about how to inspire other people, get them on board, and create a shared vision and culture. We just abandon it when we walk into the house."

Alyssa: "It's a skill that we have and we just have to turn it on. And if you don't have it, and you're learning how to do it at home, that makes you better in your job, as well. Because then you know how to communicate and set goals and check in with people. It's a win-win."

Alyssa: "Many of us are operating on autopilot (especially in pre-pandemic times.) We have a sense that we want things to be better, but we don't know how to change it. We don't know what to do to make it better. The Four-Way View is a tool that we use to take stock of the present. It will reveal opportunities to make things better in a way where you're not just sacrificing one thing to get more of another."

Alyssa: "Our default assumption is that if we want our work to be better then we'd better take time away from sleep or from parenting or from friends. Taking the Four-Way View starts to help you think about how the different parts of your life are interconnected."

Audrey: "Many parents have become so overwhelmed just getting through the day, getting their kids where they need to be, getting to work, that people don't have as close of neighborhoods. Most people don't have a religious affiliation or any kind of outside group that they connect with. I'm wondering if this pandemic is going to change that at all because it just makes it even more clear how we all need each other and nobody can do this alone."

Alyssa: "I think the community is at the forefront of our minds right now because we are social distancing for the greater good, for our communities, for our society. We're aware of the sacrifices that we're making for other people in a way that's much more straightforward than normal. Yet I think we assume that we need to feel more isolated because we're physically isolated."

Alyssa: "If as a family we care about showing gratitude, then that can be woven into anything that you do."

Audrey: "Sometimes parents don't realize that they haven't communicated their values."

Alyssa: "A lot of people feel like they don't have the time, they're too busy for these sorts of conversations, whether it's with kids or coworkers or community members of friends. We've found that it does seem to save them time and increase their happiness in the long run. It really does pay off, even if it's sort of hard to get on board with sacrificing some time upfront."

Audrey: "What an opportunity we have when we don't have sports and we don't have anything going on to maybe take this time to clarify a little bit what our values are for this time and this season."

Resources

Values List: Pick your top values as an individual and as a family.

On The Web: www.ParentsWhoLead.net

Alyssa Westring is the Vincent de Paul Associate Professor of Management and Entrepreneurship at DePaul University's Driehaus College of Business. She earned her Ph.D. in organizational psychology from Michigan State University in 2007. She is the Director of Research for Total Leadership. In addition to her research on work-life topics, she is a scholar of women's careers and leadership. She is an award-winning educator and DePaul's inaugural Presidential Fellow. Westring lives in Chicago and has two young children. Her TEDx talk, "The Secret Life of a Work-Life Insider," is about motherhood, and the Time magazine cover story she was interviewed for was about millennial parents.

Alyssa's TED Talk One Simple Thing

This week's One Simple Thing came from listener Gail, who shared the idea of practicing "Thoughtful Thursdays" with kids. One day a week (Thursdays work because of the nice alliteration), have your kids send a drawing or note to one of their classmates. Perhaps your kids can start a trend in their school just like Gail's grandchildren have!

My Favorite

From Six Daily Questions to Ask Yourself in Quarantine, by Brooke Anderson for the Greater Good Science Center:

Listener Question

How do I stay calm while balancing parenting my three kids (ages 14, 12, & 6)?

10 Ways to Teach Our Kids to Calm Down

Show notes & links.

Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D. has encouraging advice to share during COVID-19. We talked in January (Ep. 121: The Power of Showing Up with Dr. Tina Payne Bryson) about her new book with Dr. Daniel Siegel, The Power of Showing Up, and the message of the book is so relevant to our intense time with our kids during this pandemic.

We chatted again last week (during Week 4 of "Iso for the Rona") on a Facebook Live interview. This week's podcast is the audio from that interview.

Big Ideas

• During hard times, it's easy to focus on what's going wrong instead of what's going right.
• We all need to find ways to stay sane and grounded. Some ideas are: gratitude practices, physical exercise, being in nature, and finding ways to connect with your loved ones.
• Showing up and being present for your children is one of the best predictors for future success, as well as for overall health and wellbeing.
• The four S's help to promote secure attachment, helping kids feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure.
• It is during insecure times like these that our biological attachment system compels us to connect with people in our lives who help us to feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure.
• Just being present for your child is enough.
• Parents need to work on their own emotional balance, resilience, insight, and empathy and that work will carry over and strengthen their relationships.

Ep. 95: Raising a Yes Brain Child with Tina Payne Bryson

Quotes

Tina: "I love my work, but I love being at home. So I'm really cherishing this time and I go a little stir crazy at times."

Tina: "I felt like I was going to go crazy yesterday for a little while and I just went outside without even a purpose. I just went and followed my dog's lead, outside in the fresh air."

Audrey: "Parents are being inundated with so much right now, it can be overwhelming."

Audrey: "Isn't it fortuitous that the Power of Showing Up just came out?"

Tina: "The message of the book is even more germane now. The idea in the book is based on 50 years of attachment research that says one of the best predictors for how well kids turn out is that they have someone who shows up for them, or what's called a secure attachment."

Tina: "The whole purpose of the attachment system in mammals is that during distress, fear, terror, and danger, that's when our attachment system is activated. That's when we have the biological drive to go to someone who will help give us the 4 S's."

Tina: "It is our attachment system that sets us up to be resilient in the face of exactly this type of thing."

Tina: "One of the main messages I want to give teachers and parents is, first of all, you don't have to be perfect. We're all going to mess up at times. We're all going to be fearful, we're going to be grumpy. Just repair and move on."

Tina: "Just by you walking through this with your child, even in imperfect ways, you're doing it. What your kids need most from you is YOU."

Tina: "I'm going to focus on helping my kids feel safe, seen and soothed and just being present to them. And that's all I need to be doing. That's more than good enough parenting."

Audrey: "I think that it's an important thing for people to understand that we are all people with our own feelings going on, though this and every other time, and you give the guidance of what we need to do for ourselves, too."

Tina: "We all need people who help us feel safe, seen, soothed and secure. That's a message that's really important to tell parents."

Tina: "We sacrifice so much for our kids and that mammalian need to be connected and have people show up to us, is not just for our kids, it's for us, too."

Audrey: "There are simple things we can do just to let our kids know that, 'we're here with you and we're going to be okay.'"

Tina: "When your kid is complaining, it activates a fear or threat response and it's really annoying but if we can really just be present to our child's experience and say, 'it's frustrating, isn't it? It's not like it used to be. It's such a bummer we have to do this right now, isn't it?' Just keep it simple."

Tina: "But if we respond to our children's complaining with argument or criticism, and say, 'you should be grateful.' we are actually criticizing them for sharing what they're feeling. So our kids will make that association...and stop sharing how they feel."

Watch Tina's Video Messages for Teachers & Parents During COVID-19

A Message for Parents from Tina Payne Bryson, PhD on Vimeo.

https://vimeo.com/399730541

2 Things that Increase Chronic Stress & 2 Things that Reduce it in Our Kids from Tina Payne Bryson, PhD on Vimeo.

https://vimeo.com/402633303

Fear Messaging vs. Safety Messaging from Tina Payne Bryson, PhD on Vimeo.

https://vimeo.com/402467778

Access Tina's Resources for Coping with the Coronavirus

Watch Tina & Audrey's chat on video One Simple Thing

This week's one simple thing tip is to create a gratitude wall or board using sticky notes. Each family member can have their own "color" sticky note, and you can each put up at least one sticky note per day with something you're grateful for.

More gratitude resources:

Flourish: A Visionary Understanding of Happiness & Wellbeing, Dr. Martin Seligman

A Grateful Family is a Happy Family: 5 Gratitude Practices

Ep. 63: Growing Gratitude with Sara Kuljis

Ep. 114: Precursors to Gratitude

Raising Grateful, Not Entitled, Kids

Growing Gratitude

My Favorite

I love all of the Soul Pancake videos, which also include the fun Kid President series. If you need some inspiration, check out Soul Pancake's YouTube channel.

Listener Question

How should I respond when my child is complaining about unimportant, seemingly selfish things during this pandemic?

Validate their feelings! I made a short video about the importance of validating and not dismissing our kids' feelings:

Related

Ep. 121: The Power of Showing Up with Dr. Tina Payne Bryson

Ep. 95: Raising a Yes Brain Child with Tina Payne Bryson

Happy Campers: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults (Foreword by Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.)

Show notes & links.

I've spent the past weeks talking with youth development experts who are sharing their advice and encouragement for parents during this crazy time of social distancing, sheltering at home, or what I like to now call "Iso for the Rona" (the Australian term for "Isolation for the Coronavirus" that I learned from my email friend Vicki). Over the next several episodes, I'll be sharing excerpts from those interviews, as well as links to the resources and ideas my guests shared.

I'm kicking off this series with two chats with teachers - one current high school teacher and one former sixth grade teacher. Both of them have a lot of experience working with and teaching kids, and they have some great ideas for parents who are new to "teaching" and now have your kids at home full time. I hope our chats bring you some encouragement during this challenging time!

Please continue to reach out to me with your feedback, questions, and ideas!

Thank you for joining me in raising kids who become thriving adults.

Gretchen Monke: High school English teacher at Live Oak High School (Morgan Hill, CA) who's now teaching remotely while stay home orders are in place for COVID-19.

What do high school kids need from us during this time? That's the question I ask - and Gretchen answers - in our chat. Gretchen offers tips for parents and teachers about the connection kids need during this time. She also offers her downloadable daily checklist to help kids have the autonomy they want.

GRETCHEN'S DAILY ACTIVITIES CHECKLIST

Step 1: Open this Google Doc file

Step 2: Make a copy: Go into "File" and click on "Make a Copy."

Step 3: Add or delete categories and tasks & start using!

Alternatively, you can download a PDF version (not changeable) below!

QUOTES

Gretchen: "Even the kids who maybe don't love the academic aspects of school knew, even before we went remote, that they were going to suffer this loss from not being able to socialize with their friends. What they value the most is time with their friends and being able to socialize. So taking that away from them is a huge loss."

Gretchen: "The kids are just looking forward to checking in with each other at these zoom meetings. They've become more about connection than any kind of formative work."

Audrey: "Even if you don't have some kind of setup yet, you can provide any way for your kids just to get together and check in with each other, sharing what's going on."

Audrey: "I'm a big proponent of not really having a rigid schedule, but instead having daily checklists, activities that we want to make sure we do every day."

Audrey: "It's helping me to stay in a routine because I think the tendency can be if you don't have anything that you need to get to or do, you really could do nothing and doing nothing, as we know, does not promote us feeling good."

Audrey: "What I like about having these daily checklists, and maybe having it be a family thing, is that you're doing it together."

Audrey: "If there's something that you want to do, you can make the time to do it. If you think about what we're not able to do right now, I think that doing a little bit more activity will make us all feel better."

Audrey: "If you're not used to doing some kind of family daily sharing, this is a good time to start something on a very small scale."

Gretchen: "I've really loved having family dinners again. There are some things to be thankful for during this time. It is fun to get to be with my family again for a little bit."

Audrey: "Make a list if there are things you've been wanting to do, like random craft supplies that you have around the house that you can now actually utilize or bake some bread."

Audrey: "I realize how critical it is to stick with my daily activities. I think for our kids, it's important to help encourage them to make sure they're doing all those things, too."

Resources & Links

Watch the video of our conversation.

Before Breakfast podcast

Ep. 56: Off the Clock with Laura Vanderkam

168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think

LEARN MORE

Daily Family Sharing Ideas

Alison Moeschberger: Camp director and former 6th grade teacher who's now responsible for teaching her girls (ages 4 & 7) while stay home orders are in place for COVID-19.

Camp director (Gold Arrow Camp) & former 6th grade teacher (The Classical Academy in Colorado Springs, CO), mother to two daughters ages 7 & 4

During her time at home with her family, Alison's been coming up with a lot of activities to help keep her girls engaged, interested, and interacting with each other while also giving her some time to get her own work done.

QUOTES

Alison: "I don't aim to be creating a Pinterest-worthy homeschool experience for my kids. I'm trying to come up with activities that will keep them engaged and interested and wanting to do things with each other, interacting and teaching each other things and giving me some space so I can get my work done, too."

Audrey: "I think a lot of parents, especially parents who work outside the home and are used to having this very concentrated short time with their kids, have a little too high of expectations for the interaction with kids when you're together all day long."

Alison: "For us, family dinner is a non-negotiable time. We want to get together and make sure we're having that time together."

Alison: "My husband and I really want to spend some time with the kids so we both map out time to spend with each daughter independently. We want to make sure we have intentional, I'm-going-to-set-everything-aside-and-focus-on-you for this one activity today."

Alison: "This is kind of a historic time that our kids are living through. And so I wanted to start a notebook where it's kind of a keepsake. I ask very specific questions about the Coronavirus. I'm asking things that I think would be fun to look back at in a lot of years."

Alison: "I think it's all in finding the context and finding the fun. You can do a little science experiment together that takes care of a lot of learning. You've got your measurements, writing, and it's not standards-based. I know how to write lessons that will accomplish the goals for first grade but I'm not even interested in that right now. I just want some brains-on time."

Alison: "I want my kids to be thinking. I want them to be talking with me, interacting with me, following directions. So you can accomplish all of these things, just differently."

Audrey: "You do learn something better when you teach other people. So if you have something that your child is supposed to learn for school, you could have them teach you how to do whatever their activity is that they are assigned. Because it is more fun when you get to be on stage. A lot of kids like to do the demo, so maybe parents can be the students sometimes, too."

Alison: "My kids actually just love the attention that they get to show off the work they've done."

Alison: "What's important to me is that my kids don't emerge from this viewing our relationship any differently."

Alison: "This is what we do on weekends, maybe not with such educational emphasis, but we still try to have fun. We still have adventures and we still program part of every day, even on the weekends. Now it's just the same thing. We are trying to keep an eye on what she's missing by not being at school and filling the gaps at home."

Alison's Photos & Ideas

This Week's Podcast Segments One Simple Thing: Kindness!

The results indicate that performing kindness activities for seven days increases happiness. In addition, we report a positive correlation between the number of kind acts and increases in happiness. Neither effect differed across the experimental the groups, suggesting that kindness to strong ties, to weak ties, and to self, as well as observing acts of kindness, have equally positive effects on happiness. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/29702043

Join me for 30 Days of Kindness!

My Favorite: Graphic "Who do I want to be during COVID-19?"

I originally saw this graphic on Tara Leigh Cobble's Instagram (but I'm not sure if she created it).

Listener Question: How are you staying positive?

I've done a few recent interviews also answering this same question:

Parenting & Staying Positive during the COVID-19 Crisis (Happier in Hollywood Podcast)

Okay Con 2020 with Karen Lock Kolp

Show notes & links available here.

In this episode, I'm speaking with Apryl Krakovsky, founder and CEO of My School in Motion, an award-winning program that promotes fitness, nutrition, wellness and health education for school communities.

Moving together every morning for healthier minds, bodies, and attitudes!

Big Ideas

• Apryl started the program when she noticed the need for more physical education at her kids' school.
• The program is now in 53 schools in five states benefitting as many as 20,000 students.
• It educates and empowers students to make smart choices about movement, nutrition, health, and wellness.
• The workouts are thoughtfully crafted to bolster students' self-esteem and promote personal wellbeing by including physical tasks that every student can be successful performing, regardless of grade level, age, fitness level, experience, or special needs.
• The power of movement can be the cornerstone of your mental and emotional health.
• The My School In Motion curriculum is innovatively designed to help schools meet state PE requirements and help children live healthier, happier and smarter lives.
• The program captures the power of movement, music, learning, and community.
• When physical activity is undertaken at the start of each school day, the benefits are:
  • improved students' mood
  • improved students' focus
  • improved students' physical health
  • stimulated brain activity
  • students are set up for a day of maximum learning
• Physical activity gets your brain ready to learn.
  • Social-Emotional Learning (SEL) is a fundamental component of every daily movement session.
• Good health and academic success go hand in hand.

Quotes

Apryl: "I learned that if I went for a run in the morning, everything just looked better, like putting on totally different colored glasses for the rest of the day."

Apryl: "You never know what life will bring if you keep following your heart and the decisions that you make."

Apryl: "Our idea was just movement and redefining what people thought of as PE and exercise, that there are all types of ways that we can move our bodies."

Apryl: "I wanted to get everybody moving but just as importantly, I wanted everybody to understand the immediate benefits, not just long term health benefits, that physical activity was having on their energy, their ability to focus, and their moods."

Audrey: "It's so relevant right now because in a lot of schools PE is either getting set aside or cut in time."

Apryl: "It was innovative and wasn't what they were used to seeing PE look like."

Apryl: "The definition of PE is changing. The emphasis is on enjoying fitness-based stuff. It's not a competitive setting, you're setting goals with yourself."

Audrey: "It's a community thing because when you're doing something together and everyone learns the moves, it raises the sense of belonging. So you're not only getting the kids to exercise but you're also getting the kids doing the same thing and if the teachers are doing it with you, they're playing with the kids."

Audrey: "It's awesome on so many levels. Not just the fact that kids are getting their blood pumping and getting some exercise and fulfilling their PE. It can change the whole culture of a school."

Apryl: "It absolutely changes the school's culture. It's absolutely inclusive. Everybody's participating. It's a common language."

Apryl: "Like camp, it's a place where kids feel emotionally safe and that's what this created on the schoolyard."

Apryl: "If we did nothing else but get kids moving every morning, that would be great because you'd have the benefits but to me, that's just the beginning. It's the connectivity that happens."

Apryl: "It's like this pep rally meets line dancing. But it was the positivity that changed the school culture for everybody...If you can create that positive energy at school, it bleeds off the schoolyard and they take it home."

Apryl: "The self-esteem building life skills stuff, that's a; social-emotional learning and that's the crux of PE, in and of itself."

Audrey: "There's so much research telling us that if we all just moved our bodies more, we would feel better, work better."

Audrey: "I really hope the parents or teachers listening will check out your great program and bring it to their schools and start dancing and having fun."

Resources

Apryl Krakovsky -- email: [email protected] View testimonials, curriculum samples, and live program footage at www.MySchoolInMotion.org.

Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain by John Ratey

Watch the documentary Bite-Size for a compelling look at the child obesity problem.

ActiveSchools.org

Related

Advice & Encouragement from Experienced Homeschool Parent Kate Rader

Is Kindness the Secret to a Successful Life?

Ep. 131 Coaching for the Love of the Game

Ep. 125: Transforming Schools with Positivity

Ep. 87: The Impact of Camp Experiences with Laurie Browne, Ph.D.

Show Notes

Hi Friends,

I hope you are staying healthy and somewhat sane during these unbelievably unpredictable and anxiety-inducing times.

Life continues to be completely different from normal, and I'm gathering and sharing resources I think you'll find helpful and encouraging. Below, find notes and photos about what I talked about in this week's episode!

Let me know what's working for you during COVID-19 quarantine! I'd love to share your ideas with our community.

[email protected]

P.S. The picture in this week's title is from 16 years ago. We haven't had any scenes like that in the past two weeks (or the past 14 years) around here!

More to listen to/watch from this past week

• Happier in Hollywood Bonus Episode: Parenting & Staying Positive During COVID-19 (My interview with hosts Sarah Fain & Liz Craft).

Advice & Encouragement for Parents of Younger Kids

• Creative Learning Ideas for Younger Kids.

Advice & Encouragement for Parents of High Schoolers

• Daily Activities Checklist & other Strategies for Working with Your (Now) Homeschooling Teen

Advice & Encouragement for Bringing Camp Home from Ariella Rogge of Sanborn Western Camps

• Bringing Camp Home with Ariella Rogge

Advice & Encouragement for Bringing Camp Home from Mike & Mary Endres of Camp Chippewa for Boys

• Bringing Camp Home with Mike & Mary Endres

Advice & Encouragement from Experienced Homeschool Parent Kate Rader

• Experienced Homeschool Parent Kate Rader

Notes from Episode 133 Things that AREN'T working Focusing

I'm finding that I am easily distracted and having trouble focusing on anything that requires a lot of brain power. When I'm reading something, I often need to go back and re-read the paragraph I just read, because the words didn't register.

Planning Ahead

Whenever the conversation (or my thoughts) turn to what's going to be happening in a week, or a month, or three months, I realize that none of us knows and it's not productive to think too much beyond today or the next few days.

Overly Ambitious "To Do" Lists

Despite there seeming to exist a lot of extra time (no more commute, dropping kids off/picking up, appointments, etc.), the day seems to drift by in a partial fog and I am not getting much done.

Things that ARE working: Lots of Digital Connection

I've had a big increase in Zoom Meetings, FaceTime Calls, and Texts, and that's been working for me.

Work group: Morning meeting Monday-Friday at 9am using Google Hangout; Group text message

"Virtual Dinner Party" with friends last Saturday

Advice & Encouragement Series (on Facebook Live) - Connecting, Seeking, & Sharing advice

My Morning Routine/Daily Checklist

• Quiet time (Bible reading/journaling with my coffee)

• Making my bed

• Exercising (Peloton plug)

• Showering and getting dressed in clothes (PJ change at 8pm)

Using my normal Planner Daily Family Time

• Dinner together & sharing highs & lows

"I miss my friends." -16 year old's daily low

Other family fun we've tried:

Watched ONWARD (cried!)

A Puzzle: Working on a 1000-piece 1980s puzzle (only my oldest daughter & I are currently interested in this). The puzzle industry is likely thriving right now. This puzzle is now out of stock due to it's popularity, but I saw some other 80s puzzle when I searched for it again. A friend suggested we start passing puzzles. Perhaps we can leave on front porches, let sit for 24 hours, and spray them down before using? IDK!

Laughing

My attempt at helping the cause - sewing a face mask cover.

Auto correct fails

Entertaining videos shared by friends

Advice & Resources I'm finding helpful

Laura Vanderkam's Before Breakfast Podcast: Measure the day by task, not time (6 minutes)

On Digital Minimalism & Pandemics, Cal Newport Quick read. He urges us to check news ONCE per day instead of constant checking & scrolling.

Show notes & links available here.

In this podcast episode, I interview college professor and author Dr. Jennifer Etnier about the importance of having a positive impact on kids when coaching youth sports. Her book, Coaching for the Love of the Game: a Practical Guide for Working with Young Athletes, outlines simple strategies that coaches can use to be sure that a kid's experience is positive, while also promoting sports and continued physical activity. As a sport and exercise psychologist, Jenny works in youth sports alongside athletes, other coaches and is a coaching educator. She is also a parent of two 13-year-old sons and one 15-year-old daughter.

Big Ideas

Youth sports are huge!

• More than 20 million children in the U.S. are involved. Their coaches range from professional coaches to casual, part-time coaching volunteers, like parents or former players.

Kids need good coaches.

• Training to be a coach is typically not required or provided and so unfortunately for many kids, their experience in sports can be negative and even harmful.
• We need to ensure that the people who are volunteering to coach have the necessary education to create a positive sports experience for our youth.
• Coaches need to create a climate where it's about each player's personal improvement and not about the outcome. Players should always be treated with respect, compassion, and empathy.
• When coaches aren't positive, kids quit. Statistics show that 70% of kids will drop out of sports before the age of 13. If the experience is bad, they don't want to go back to that sport.

Kids need to be physically active.

• Involvement in sports should be a positive experience. Kids should have fun, develop as individuals, and grow to love the game.
• When kids aren't active in sports, they have a much harder time becoming physically active as adults.
• Studies show that children who exercise during the school day do better on various measures of cognition, memory tests, and problem-solving. Being physically active helps with executive function.
• If kids can't participate in organized sports, especially as they get older, there are other ways to be active. They can hike, run, try a spin class or yoga with friends.

Parents need to be more supportive.

• Active parents are associated with active kids. Making an activity (walks, bike rides, tennis) part of your family routine is a great way to connect with kids and just have fun.
• For the vast majority of kids, the youth sports experience is merely a way for them to be physically active and to socialize, not to become a professional athlete. Out of over 7 million high school athletes, 150,000 will get NCAA scholarships. Of those, 1400 are going to play a sport professionally.
• Our dialogue around youth sports should shift away from scores and winning and instead focus on what the kids learned and how much fun they had.
• Kids want their parents to cheer for everyone at their games. Try to offer praise and empathy and quit being critical.

Quotes

Jenny: "I'm passionate about improving the youth sports experience. Instead of trying to help individual coaches solve individual problems...I wrote this book hoping to have a more pervasive positive effect on the sports experience."

Audrey: "A lot of times people get into coaching because they love the sport themselves but they don't really have any training in communicating with kids, developing positive relationships with kids, and some of these important things that really help them create that positive experience."

Audrey: "Sometimes the coaches that people see on TV are not always modeling the practices that great coaches really practice."

Jenny: "'Great coaching' doesn't mean we won state championships. 'Great coaching' means we had an incredibly positive experience and we felt moved toward our potential as athletes and as young people. When I think of a great coach, I'm not thinking of the winningest coach. I'm thinking of the coach that had the biggest, most long-lasting, positive impact on the largest number of kids."

Jenny: "We want (kids) to develop their character, to develop friendships, to learn how to be their best selves in competitive settings and how to deal with victory and defeat. We don't put them out there to be yelled at, to have the pressure of winning. And sometimes we forget that."

Audrey: "Sometimes we get really caught up in scores, test metrics, and all this stuff when in the bigger picture, character development and becoming a fully-formed, happy human being are more important goals."

Audrey: "It's those great coaches who really build kids up, help them learn skills, and develop a love of the game, that end up probably winning more anyway. Because it's the backward path that is actually a better path than threatening, demeaning, and making people feel bad."

Audrey: "Whether you win or lose doesn't really matter. Nobody remembers that game when you were eight years old, but you will remember having a lot of fun with your team and having the pizza party afterward."

Jenny: "If you ask children, they know how to define fun. Fun for them means that the coach cares about me. It means that the coach develops a practice that keeps me active and helps me improve my skills."

Jenny: "It's the coach who makes every kid feel like they're valued and who meets every kid exactly where they are. Your job is to make every one of those children feel like they're the most important player on the team. If you do that, then you're the best coach ever."

Jenny: "The coaches have already demonstrated their commitment to these children. They've already demonstrated their commitment to the sport. Now I think these coaches just need to have in their hands a toolkit that allows them to work effectively with kids to make sure that they all have a positive experience."

Audrey: "The important stuff for me was always being in the van with my friends, going to games and stuff. I loved the social aspects of sports."

Jenny: "In the country of Norway, there's a national policy that says nobody is going to care about keeping score until you're a teenager. Before that, the priorities are safety, friendship, and enjoyment. Actually they're not priorities, they're rights."

Jenny: "Unfortunately, the vast majority of kids in youth sports end up having some negative experience that chases them out of the sport. It's partly this mistaken notion that winning matters."

Audrey: "Exercise and activity are so important for mental health, physical health and just wellbeing in general, our happiness. Organized sports are a good way to get kids regular exercise."

Jenny: "People who are physically active as children have stronger or better self-regulatory skills, which allows them to be better decision-makers. The physical activity behavior sets the stage for more positive choices in terms of a healthy lifestyle."

Audrey: "For adults and kids, getting your heart pumping, a little bit of activity, just clears the cobwebs, makes you better at everything else."

Jenny: "If children are dropping out of youth sports, and we're not offering physical education in the schools to the extent that we used to, and as we all know, the pressures in our society are such that we're becoming increasingly sedentary, then where are they going to be physically active?"

Jenny: "It's almost a public health imperative that we ensure that our youth sports experience is positive because we actually have huge numbers of the kids when they're little but then we don't cherish that opportunity to make sure that they all have a positive experience and stick with it. If we could, if we could crack this nut, it would solve all kinds of challenges that we have in this country."

Jenny: "The best coach is the coach who truly loves those children and values every moment that they have to have an impact on that kid."

Jenny: "If your child is engaged in youth sports, take a minute to ask them, 'When I come to your games, how do you want me to behave? Children say they want parents to be at the game, but they want us to be silent and attentive. If you're going to cheer, then cheer for both teams. Cheer for everybody. Cheer positive feedback to everybody at appropriate times. Offer praise and empathy--that's it."

Jenny: "Parents have got to be supportive. Quit being critical. Quit telling kids what to do. Sit back, relax and enjoy the game. Tell them how much you enjoyed watching them play. And that's it."

Coaching for the Love of the Game

More than 45 million children play youth sports in the United States each year, and most are coached by parent volunteers with good intentions but little training. This lack of training and an overemphasis on winning often results in stress and frustration for coaches and players alike, which can discourage young athletes so much that they walk away from sports altogether. With this new guide for amateur parent coaches, Jennifer Etnier, author of Bring Your 'A' Game, aims to change that. Etnier offers a system of positive coaching that can be applied to any sport, from the beginner level to high school athletics, and explains that good coaching requires working with young athletes at their developmental level and providing feedback designed to keep children engaged and having fun.

Etnier gives easy-to-understand guidance on important aspects of successful coaching—including information on the development of children's motor skills, communication with a young athlete's parents, and nurturing a growth-oriented mindset—making this a critical resource for youth coaches of all experience levels.

About Dr. Etnier

Dr. Etnier's research focuses on the cognitive benefits of physical activity. She is a Fellow of the American College of Sports Medicine and the National Academy of Kinesiology (FNAK# 525) and has received the Health and Human Performance Teaching Award, UNCG Alumni Teaching Excellence Award, School of Health and Human Sciences Teaching Excellence Award, School of Health and Human Sciences Graduate Mentoring Award, and the UNCG Graduate School´s Outstanding Faculty Mentor Award. Dr. Etnier is Member-at-Large of NAK and a member of five editorial boards for peer-reviewed journals. She was formerly the President of the North American Society for the Psychology of Sport and Physical Activity and Editor of the Journal of Aging and Physical Activity. She is the principal investigator of the Physical Activity and Alzheimer's Disease 2 study (PAAD-2). To learn more, go to Go.UNCG.edu/PAAD2. Dr. Etnier has also written two books for the lay public titled Bring Your 'A' Game and Coaching for the Love of the Game.

Coaching for the Love of the Game by Jennifer L. Etnier, Ph.D. Official Trailer

JENNY ETNIER, PH.D. Julia Taylor Morton Distinguished Professor 262 Coleman [email protected] UNC Press site

Resources

Aspen Institute - Project Play

Norway's Policy - Children's Rights in Sport

Being Your Kid's Social Skills "Coach"

Related

Ep. 25: Sports Camps and Competitive Athletics with Susan Reeder and Steve Proulx

Is Your Child's Sport Their Passion or Yours?

Ep. 44: #RaisingAthletes with Kirsten Jones

Ep. 24: The Danish Way of Parenting with Jessica Alexander

Ep. 78: The Danish Way of Parenting (Part 2)

Ep. 84: The Book of Mistakes with Skip Prichard

Show notes & links available here.

In this episode, my friend Sara Kuljis and I are back together talking about uncluttering our schedules and our homes. Sara and her husband Steve Kuljis are the owners and directors of Yosemite Sierra Summer Camp and Emerald Cove Day Camp. Sara is also a certified Gallup Strengths Coach. Sara and I have been friends for two decades, and she has been a regular guest on the podcast talking in past episodes about strengths, sibling conflicts & relationships, gratitude, how to compliment our kids, grit, and more. Together we also do a live parenting workshop.

Big Ideas Uncluttering our Schedules

Look back at past events that family members enjoyed and identify what was special about those experiences to help you determine what your family values.

Talk about people or families you admire and why you admire them. Use their example to inspire your family's values or actions.

Look at your calendar of activities to see which ones support your values. Note where the gaps of downtime are so that you can make time for activities that move your values forward.

Consider using the values worksheet to assess what you value most individually or as a family. If your kids are younger, select one or two to focus on for a season or year.

Some questions to consider:

What are our family values?

What are the things we hope our family is known for? Try to identify two 0r three characteristics or values you'd like to be hallmarks of your family.

What are qualities we want to develop?

If you want to do a deeper dive into your family values, consider downloading Sara's Family Pace & Space worksheet (also available in the resource section of Happy Campers).

Consider coming up with a short family motto or song that represents something that's important to you. One of Audrey's favorites that she put on a poster photo of her kids was from Lee Brice's song Love Like Crazy:

Be a best friend, tell the truth, and overuse I love you Go to work, do your best, don't outsmart your common sense Never let your prayin' knees get lazy And love like crazy

Uncluttering our Homes

Involve the whole family in a decluttering project!

Decide together where to donate any used items in good condition. Keep the time short and model how to give things away and clean out your spaces. Consider using something like Amazon's givebackbox to make it easy to donate.

Quotes

Audrey: "Life is so busy and chaotic and so we have to be really intentional about making it not that way."

Audrey: "Spring is a time when it is starting to get warmer, flowers are blooming outside and it always feels kind of like a fresh start. We can think of this as our psychological spring cleaning."

Sara: "When our schedules are so packed and our children are racing from one thing to the next, it is really hard--perhaps even impossible--to be the parent we want to be, the spouse we want to be, the family we want to be. That's because we love others slowly, not quickly. We serve each other slowly, not quickly. We empathize slowly, not quickly. Some of the best things in life have to be slowed down enough to do well."

Sara: "At summer camp, we have kids show up and they're just exhausted. They've had no downtime, no unorganized playtime, no just hanging out with mom and dad time. They are as exhausted as I am after a heavy-duty month of work and that is not our best space in which to grow and learn and thrive."

Sara: "What are our family values? What are the things our family stands on? What do we hope our family is known for? What are the qualities that we honestly want our kids to be learning? There are a number of amazing values that we can build into our family culture if we do it intentionally and involve everybody. Identify two or three values that are going to be the hallmarks of your family."

Audrey: "Businesses have taglines or vision statements. It's kind of fun to think about what your family's motto could be."

Sara: "It's helpful to look at the calendar of a given week or month together and look at the balance of activities. Mark the ones that match your values. It's scary to realize that only one thing our family did actually supported that value. All the rest were very busy and demanding things, but they didn't actually help move our family along in that value. That indicates our activities are not reflecting our values."

Sara: "Sometimes we, as parents, in our anxiousness for our kids to be successful adults, add activities to our kids' schedule like extra tutors, extra club sports, and very academic, achievement-focused activities and we're overlooking those activities that actually build character and the human being parts of them that are the real things that create future success, healthy relationships, strong communities, sense of identity and self-confidence."

Audrey: "I always thought the service/volunteering things we do need to be grand gestures, but a lot of times what our kids will remember might be more of the simple gestures."

Sara: "Most things aren't grand. Most of life is every day. So how do we make these things an everyday moment?"

Sara: "I would urge us not to add anything to our schedule unless we cut something out. That's just more stress, more anxiety, more feeling overwhelmed."

Sara: "Decluttering is skill we can teach our children. It's way more fun to declutter together than all by yourself. Consider spending even only an hour and inviting your kids to help choose something to declutter."

Audrey: "If we just take 30 minutes and each person picks what thing they are going to organize and together come up with one bag to donate or declutter the house, it would really move the needle and make your home feel less cluttered."

Audrey: "I'm a believer that outer order leads to inner calm and so I think this is a great practice."

Resources/Related

Ep. 7: Family Pace & Space with Sara & Audrey

Ep. 108: Simple Acts of Giving Back with Natalie Silverstein

Does our Family's Schedule Reflect our Values?

Ep. 120: Family Traditions & Rituals

Getting Organized

Gretchen Rubin book, Outer Order Inner Calm