Take Five

This is a passenger announcement. If there are any doctors on the plane, please make yourself known to a member of the cabin crew immediately.

Hello, yes, I’m a doctor. I heard the announcement.

Oh, good. Thank you doctor. I just wanted to let you know that we’re about to play a new episode of Take Five, which is about doctors. We didn’t want you to be bored, so we’d like to offer you a complimentary pair of headphones and a 30 minute slot of the in-flight WiFi, so you can listen to anything else of your choice.

What happens to a dinosaur if you moisturise them? To find out, you’ll need to listen to this week’s episode of Take Five!

Do you see what I did there? I piqued your curiosity by asking you a mysterious question, and then – in a stunning turn of events – I didn’t give you the answer! Instead; I used it as an opportunity to promote this podcast!

You there! Do you want to be a parent? Well, you’d better know that it’s a lot of responsibility. What if your child turns out to be a goth? Do you really want to be a forty year old trying to convince a thirteen year old boy not to put on eyeliner?

Or, if you’re also a goth… good work!

Squirrels are cute. Everyone agrees. If someone tells you that squirrels aren’t cute, it’s a test to see if you agree with them. If you do, you’ve failed the test and they will know you’re a terrible person. Don’t fail the test! Tell them that you also think squirrels are cute.

Aliens are probably pretty weird! But there’s lots of weird stuff on Earth as well. Like those deep sea creatures that we never lay eyes on, which are all see-through and such because they’ve got no sunlight down there. How about those, eh?

Do you like adverts? Then you’ll love the refreshing taste of Pepsi Max Cherry! All the flavour, none of the sugar. Now with that great cherry taste!

When two men who don’t have children get together and talk about babies, one week after the episode about incest, you just know something good is going to happen.

And then you’re surprised when it doesn’t. Nothing good happens at all. You feel angry and betrayed and wish that Anthony and Jack would get a life. Well; I’ve got news for you, dear listener! Not going to happen!

When a man and a woman love each other very much, and are closely related, and have no moral compass, they share a special illegal hug and… If you’d like to find out how that story ends, make sure you listen to this week’s episode of Take Five, where “Incest” is on the table!

I mean, not literally on the table, I hope. We eat on it.

The evil government wants your money so they can waste it all on silly things like making life better. If you want to get good and angry at them, listen to this episode on taxes. It’s sure to make steam shoot out of your ears in hilariously comic fashion.

Emotions are a bit like rocks: They exist. We can’t change that, so we can either ignore them like all men do, or try to be awesome and understand them them like cool geologists do. Oh man, I wish this episode was about rocks.