Tales from the "LiberryCAST"

Among existing "liberry" patron archetypes, Conspiracy Guy and Stoner Lad are probably two of the more universal ones. Every library has them, sometimes in multiples. We did as well, but there were two specific people that embodied these roles for me. Alas, by the time I began to write my blog, they had more or less moved on. But on one perfect night, they afforded me a glimpse of their combined powers of archetypical representation. (Now who sounds like they're on drugs?)

Those of you who have ever had service through DirecTV probably already know this, but it has been my experience that it sucks ass. A lot of ass. Copious amounts of ass. And not in a good way. I don't want to say that as a media distribution corporation they're a bunch of dirty liars willing to tell you anything you want to hear to get you to sign up, knowing full well that by the time you discover how much they've been lying to you in the first you'll be past their trial period and locked into an 18 month contract with them and subject to massive fees should I wish to discontinue service... but certainly the employees of DirecTV that I dealt with in just such a situation were in fact all dirty liars willing to tell me anything I wanted to hear to get me to sign up for their service, knowing full well that by the time I discovered just how much they had lied to me, I'd already be under the 18 month contract and subject to massive fees should I wish to discontinue my service.

Unfortunately for them, they'd never before had to deal with a bowel monkey as angry as mine. Nor had they yet had the misfortune of crossing my wife.

One of the patrons who I assumed would remain my arch-enemy for the life of the blog was Grumpiest Old Man in All the World, Mr. B-Natural. This turned out not to be the case, as by the time I ended the blog in 2008, Mr. B-Natural had stopped actively trying to piss us off and we had developed something of a grudging mutual respect. However, he still had his moments where the old grumpy soul would flare through, especially when his beloved Wall Street Journal cross word puzzles were endangered. This podcast also tells the mysterious tale of Mr. B-Natural's briefly adopted toupee.

I'm no stranger to anniversaries. They happen every year. I've tried to keep secrets about my wife's birthday that have left me stranded and screaming in the middle of an interstate on more than one occasion after she pulls those secrets out of the air, seemingly by means that might even be unholy in nature. Eventually, I learned that a little bit of preventative maintenance went a long way in terms of keeping said secrets. Unfortunately, getting my wife to actually pay attention to my desire to keep my big yap shut is sometimes a more difficult process than setting up those secrets to begin with. You just can't win with her. Or, in my case, you can't often win. These are but some of those stories.

Wedding anniversaries: for me they happen every year and this year my 12th anniversary just happens to fall on the day this episode drops, Sunday, February 5. So, because I have a sum total of ZERO football stories from the blog I could slip in here to create a different theme, and because I love my wife (those excuses may not be in the right order), I shall tell an off-blog yet-still-blog-like tale regarding a mystery anniversary concert the wife arranged for me for our 3rd anniversary, way back before Tales from the "Liberry" even began.

I'm no stranger to car troubles. I've owned cars that have left me stranded and screaming in the middle of an interstate on more than one occasion. Eventually, I learned that a little bit of preventative maintenance went a long way in terms of keeping me unstranded. Unfortunately, getting my mechanic to actually pay attention to me and fix the problems I could clearly hear were there was sometimes a more difficult process than dealing with a dead car. These are but some of those stories.

There are many books that are problematic for libraries. However, beyond the contractor's manuals, the three major tomes that created the most headaches for us were "The Da Vinci Code," "A Child Called It," and "The Five People You Meet in My Ass." These were wildly popular books that were perpetually on hold for EVERYONE. (We just cut out the middle man and automatically put patrons on hold with each new library card issued. Saved time.) Yep, these books blew the curve for all others because they were nearly impossible for patrons to read due to their high popularity, and, in one case, high incidence of theft.

Looking at the subjects studied in this week's podcast, I note that they are three separate men who skeezed out or were otherwise nasty to our staff during three separate decades, the 80s, 90s and 00s. Then, all three returned in the oughts to skeez out a new generation of library assistant, i.e. me. Join me for the tales of Mr. Creepy Guy, Mr. Butts and the patron known only as Red Alert.

One of the most colorful of our area eccentrics was a lady that we and the rest of the town knew as The Purple Nun. She was a lady who was always garbed in a purple nun's habit and carried the lifestyle to new and astounding levels. Hers was a strange and interesting life, which we only learned of via bits and pieces gleaned from the stories told of her by others. And pretty much everyone had a Purple Nun story to share. This is mine.

Tales from the "LiberryCAST" Theatre is proud to present, the Tales from the "LiberryCAST" Christmas Special: "A Christmas Carol Satan."

Hark back to a time and possible alternate reality where Mrs. Carol Satan remained the Nastiest Patron Ever and we the "liberry" staff became bloodthirsty dispensers of "liberry" justice. This dispensed with, the Ghost of Carol Satan and her other newly and rapidly growing number of deceased Rogue Patron brethren must band together to save the soul of the next rogue in line for a killin', before their eternity becomes any more hellish.