In relationships, conflict often arises not from current moment awareness, but from unresolved, long-held emotional patterns, from our past. As adults, we constantly move in and out of regressed emotional states….sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. These emotional regressions are often triggered by present moment situations, but the roots of the reaction often stretch back decades. When we're triggered by something a partner says or does, the intensity of the reaction may have little to do with the present and everything to do with old emotional wounds that are reawakened, having been embedded as energy in our system, from the past.
This phenomenon, which is common in relationships, is what therapists often see in couples: a reaction to something in the moment that carries the emotional weight of unresolved experiences from many years ago.
These old wounds….embedded deep in the nervous system….resurface, causing a distorted, often overblown response. This is why, when a person’s emotions seem disproportionate to a situation, it's usually because they are reacting to a deeply embedded experience from the past, triggered from within the present.
In therapy, a key insight is to recognize that any strong emotional reaction has a historical lineage. This makes clear communication difficult, especially when painful emotions are triggered. When we speak from this place, we may struggle to articulate what we really want, both for ourselves and from our partners. Instead, we often project these feelings and misunderstandings onto the other person. As a result, the conversation becomes a mess, muddled by past hurts and unresolved emotions.
To address this, one therapeutic approach is to work with individuals separately, providing each person with the space to work through their personal emotional baggage, often energetically. Assignments outside of therapy can help: tasks that involve safe and loving energy work, where individuals can release their pain in a way that doesn’t hurt the other person. This allows the relationship to be a source of healing, rather than a battleground for old wounds.
Another vital insight is the nature of how we express pain. When we’re deeply triggered, we often dump our unresolved emotional pain onto those we love the most. This is because love mirrors back to us the most profound emotional experiences. The deeper the love, the more it taps into the pain that may have remained unaddressed for years. Love can trigger old suffering, but it also offers a path toward healing…..if we can approach it with awareness.
When we look at behaviors like arrogance or rudeness, we often miss the underlying fear and grief that drives that behavior. These defensive patterns are mechanisms to mask pain and vulnerability. In essence, arrogance shields grief, and without addressing the underlying emotional turmoil, we risk repeating the cycle of conflict.
One of the most important practices in communication, particularly when emotions run deep, is to recognize the limitations of spoken language. Words, while useful, can only express a fraction of what we truly feel. At times, the best way to communicate is through silence, allowing the heart to speak directly to another, unfiltered by words.
Finally, it’s crucial to remember that every emotional experience we have belongs to us, not the other person. Whether it’s the joy of experiencing love or the conflict that emerges, in any relationship, all of these emotions are arising from within us. Conflict doesn’t exist to tear us apart….it’s an opportunity for deeper love and growth. When we can approach conflict with this understanding, we can navigate it in a way that brings us back to love, rather than further into separation.
In sum, communication in relationships is complex, and conflict is an inevitable part of any close connection. Understanding that our emotional reactions are shaped by past experiences, and recognizing that our behavior often comes from a place of hidden fear or grief, can help us approach conflicts with more compassion and clarity. Ultimately, it’s not the conflict that defines us, but how we respond to it and the opportunity for healing it offers.
Nigel Lott teaandzen.org
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