Welcome back to Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown! Today we recap Breaker High, episode 26, “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Post Office.”

After Sean and Jimmy hijack it for a few minutes, Denise films what seems to be a sort of video diary for her parents. In it, she sets the scene: The ship has just docked in Amsterdam, and she has something important to tell them, important enough that she asks if they’re sitting down. Curiosity officially piqued!

Denise starts out by saying, “I think it’s time I told you how I really feel about Breaker High. Remember how the brochures promised intellectual stimulation and cultural enlightenment? Well, it’s nothing like that here.” She’s annoyed that Jimmy’s concept of Nirvana comes from the band, not the Buddha, and while she loves Cassidy’s big heart, she can’t stand her big mouth talking about all of her dating exploits.

Cassidy and Max are confirmed to still be together after last episode, and while Denise calls them a mismatch, she acknowledges that at least they like to experience the traditional culture of the countries they visit, while Sean and Jimmy just want to find all of Amsterdam’s McDonalds. And then there’s Ashley - according to Denise, “her love life makes Cassidy’s seem stable.” We pan over to Ashley and Alex making out as if their lives depend on it, yet she acknowledges that Tyler is still officially her boyfriend to Alex’s face right afterward, leading Alex to give her an ultimatum (him or Tyler), and when she doesn’t respond he throws up his hands and walks away.

Denise is talking about wanting to broaden her intellectual horizons when Cassidy runs into the room with a water gun, pretty much epitomizing Denise’s dilemma. Though Cassidy does kind of have a point when she asks Denise’s parents through the camera if they can convince Denise to “get off the sidelines and into the game” - I am very much on the Denise end of the spectrum but can appreciate Cassidy’s point. Denise protests that she does try to get involved, it just doesn’t work a lot of the time - when she tries to give advice, she’s made fun of for her studious nature instead. If she wants a true cultural experience, she has to do it by herself.

Tamira is talking on the phone to her mom when Ashley barges in and tells her to hang up, it’s an emergency, she needs the phone. And then she spends the next few minutes psyching herself up, because apparently the emergency is that she’s officially going to break up with Tyler! But of course, as they start talking and he’s saying all the right things, she loses all her nerve.

Max didn’t show up to meet Cassidy when he was supposed to - by the time he does, she accuses him of blowing her off, and he has the gall to respond with, “No, I just changed my plans. Anyway, what’s the big deal?” Remember, this is all happening before cell phones and texting are a thing, so yes, it is a big deal. I’d say Cassidy’s response after waiting for literal hours is appropriate and not deserving of Max’s “You don’t own me!” Though Max is supposed to be the rebel, this also seems to be a personality swap from the first time they tried dating; it’s hard to tell whether it’s on purpose or a plot hole.

Ashley finds Alex on deck and tells him she broke up with Tyler. He’s thrilled, but she still looks like she’s keeping a secret.

Denise’s big news: She wants to come home. While Breaker High isn’t terrible, she doesn’t feel challenged or that the experience will help her get into Harvard, so she’s ready to be done. In order for her parents to get this news, Denise has to physically mail them the videotape - I have a feeling something’s going to happen between her sealing the envelope and them actually seeing it. As suspected, she’s about to drop it in the mailbox when Sean and Jimmy yank it out of her hands, saying she has no choice but to hang out with them - she had mentioned wanting to go to the Anne Frank house, and there’s a McDonald’s right around the corner, so it must be fate.

Sean and Jimmy are helping Denise through the streets of Amsterdam as they all clop along in newly purchased wooden clogs. Once they sit down, she realizes they’ve actually walked through half the city and seen almost all the sites, even if they just happened to be near a McDonald’s.

Ashley swaps out a photo of Tyler for one of Alex, when someone at the door delivers her a big bouquet of roses which of course happens to be from Tyler. Tamira is stunned, saying “You broke up with him - what do you get from guys you’re actually dating?” Ashley doesn’t respond, which should be seen as a response in itself, and opens the door to find Alex with a bouquet of his own. Tamira quips, “Whoa, did she dump you too?” Alex is confused, then notices the roses. Ashley tries to say they’re Tamira’s and steers Alex away, claiming they’re from a secret admirer that Tamira definitely didn’t just find out she has.

Denise is back on the boat, staring at the envelope, when Cassidy comes up to vent about Max. Denise wonders why Cassidy wouldn’t want to date someone more like herself, but Cassidy says if she’d wanted that she would’ve just stayed home. Then Ashley comes up, hauls her off and asks for help making her decision - does she stick with the tried and true or take a chance on the unknown? Denise wonders why Ashley is asking her, and Ashley acknowledges that Denise is the only one in their group with a head on her shoulders. Denise is a little stunned, apparently not having considered herself part of the group to begin with. She tells Ashley that the only thing to do is follow her heart, and I think she’s not just giving that advice to Ashley. Ashley says, “When you put it that way, the answer is obvious,” and it might be to Denise, too.

We fade in on Ashley practicing an “It’s not you, it’s me,” breakup speech to a photo frame in her cabin, but we can’t see who’s in it. She picks up the phone and starts dialing, and it’s Tyler who is on the other end of the line and was in the photo she was talking to. She puts the frame in a drawer and closes it, symbolizing that she’s finally moving on.

Of course, Denise is the one who tells Max what he needs to hear regarding Cassidy. She’s the one who gets through to him about why Cassidy is upset (he didn’t “have” to leave her hanging, he chose to), and when he asks if she thinks he should apologize, she says, “If you have to ask me that question, maybe you shouldn’t be in a relationship at all,” and he actually seems to take it to heart.

We end the episode with Denise filming a new video letter for her parents, and her friends all join in. Max introduces himself as Cassidy’s boyfriend, so apparently they’ve made up. Ashley and Alex are all lovey-dovey, too; Sean and Jimmy are having a good time, as usual, and Tamira is there :p. Once they finish, Denise is actually the first one to break out a water gun, and of course everyone else has one too, so it’s an all-out fight; these are the kind of high school memories Denise should be making, and she ends the episode with a big grin on her face.

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Welcome back to Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown! Today we recap Breaker High, episode 25, “Swiss You Were Here.”

The teens will be spending winter break in Switzerland! Ashley and Cassidy will even be in Ashley’s dad’s chateau, but Ashley is only able to bring one friend, so they can’t tell anyone else. Most of the others will be staying in a youth hostel - except for Tamira, who can’t even afford that. While Ashley would like a break from her roommate, Cassidy convinces her to invite Tamira along to the chalet. Ashley asks Tamira not to spill the beans, but she immediately shares with Denise - it’s like the words come tumbling out of her mouth before she realizes it. Girls’ trip it is!

Sean and Jimmy are taking advice from a 1,001 Pick-Up Lines book, and eventually Alex can’t take it anymore, so once they get to the Swiss ski lodge he shows them how it’s done. Except of course, as soon as he takes another girl’s bags, Ashley walks in with her own expecting him to be there for her and is jealous when he isn’t. As they leave, Sean and Jimmy attempt to replicate Alex’s “technique,” and let’s just say they aren’t quite as successful.

Cassidy and Max are elated entering the lodge after a great day of snowboarding, and that grows even more for Cassidy when they run into Dirk, one of the greatest snowboarders in the world. He offers a lesson, and Cassidy immediately takes him up on it, while Max declines. Elsewhere, Ashley spots Alex on the couch with Dominique, the ex-model who’s now a Sorbonne student who he helped earlier, and gets mad at him again for flirting. Sean reads aloud out of the pick-up line book again, and it actually catches the attention of two new girls, Ellen and Paula, who suggest finding a party that night and hanging out. When they aren’t interested in coming to the youth hostel, Sean realizes he’ll have to scramble for a new plan.

Cassidy shares with Max that Dirk is going to take her on the Devil’s Passage, “the gnarliest run on the mountain,” the next day. When Dirk says, “I’d invite you, too, Max, but I wouldn’t want to see you get hurt,” Max gets the measure of the man when he responds, “Yeah, sure, see you around, jerk, I mean, Dirk.”

As soon as Ashley complains that she never wants to see Alex again, he rushes in to explain himself. His groveling succeeds, and Ashley is smitten all over again...until she sees a note in his coat pocket. Alex is out of the room at this point, so Ashley calls the number on the note, and sure enough, it’s Dominique, so the next time she sees him she throws him out.

Sean, Jimmy, Ellen and Paula have somehow wound up at Ashley’s chateau. Sean claims the train tracks back to the hostel have frozen over; I’m having trouble believing him but Denise doesn’t, so in they come.

Cassidy offers to hang out with Max instead of going with Dirk the next day, but he declines. When she presses to find out why he’s so grumpy, she doesn’t take too kindly to his response of, “Maybe I just don’t want to be Cassidy’s flavor of the week.”

While Ashley is distracted dealing with Jimmy roasting marshmallows in her fireplace, Sean sidles up to her and suggests throwing a party the next night, and takes her non-response as a yes. Somehow by the next morning, he’s able to print out dozens of flyers that he and Jimmy hand out to all the students they come across.

Max finds out that the Devil’s Passage has been closed for extreme ice. He’s worried about Cassidy, but is told that there are signs everywhere; only a fool would ignore them. Sure enough, when they arrive, Cassidy voices her hesitation, but all Dirk says is, “Suit yourself,” and charges ahead, so she feels like she has to follow him, and lands hard on a rocky mountainside.

Denise and Tamira think Ashley is being a little hard on Alex, especially considering she still has Tyler, technically still her boyfriend, back home. Alex overhears Ashley telling them she thinks Alex is clearly a flirt that she can’t trust, so they’re right, Tyler is the one for her, and he walks away devastated before he can hear her agreeing with Denise that she should at least hear Alex out again.

Cassidy is trying to pull herself back up the mountain but is struggling due to all the ice, and Dirk is nowhere in sight. But somehow, Max knew to come look for her and arrives just in time. Ski patrol is on their way, but in the meantime, Max tosses down a scarf Cassidy gave him and uses it as a rope to pull her up, after which she collapses in his arms.

Ashley comes looking for Alex, but winds up finding Sean and Jimmy outside the door to Dominique’s room, where they can hear her and Alex talking about the room being hot and taking off shirts. The theme of this episode has been lack of communication, but even I can admit this doesn’t sound great.

At the party, Cassidy is yelling at Dirk for what happened on the mountain, and he’s flippant enough to say, “If that weasel rescued you, you couldn’t have been in much danger,” - excuse me?! Cassidy feels the same way I do and throws a drink on him. She goes over to Max and thanks him for saving her, noting that it was the scarf she gave him that did it; he may not have liked how the scarf looked, but he liked that it was from her. He leans in to kiss her, and she stops, confused. But when she says, “This is never going to work, you know,” though Max nods, he still asks, “You want to give it a shot?” She agrees with a big grin, and they kiss.

Dominique showed up to the party?! That’s bold. She tries to give Ashley a wad of bills for Alex, saying it’s payment for moving boxes. Ah, so that’s all they were doing. Dominique assures Ashley that the whole time he was with her, all he did was talk about Ashley, so he must care a lot about her. Ashley goes to find Alex, who is understandably confused; they talk it all out, and kiss and make up. Is Tyler still part of the picture? Unclear, but apparently who cares. These episodes seem to be a little out of order; I’m getting a little confused, but that seems to be the general overarching plot of this show.

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Welcome back to Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown! Today we recap Breaker High, episode 24, “Tamira Has Two Faces.”

Cassidy and Denise are keeping Tamira company as she volunteers at the library when Tamira’s crush Price walks in. Have we ever seen this guy before? Nope! Does this kind of introduction absolutely track for Breaker High? Yes, indeed, it does.

Tamira may be going into her “I can fix him!” mode with this one - when Denise says, “Please don’t tell me you like the arrogant jerk,” Tamira defends him by saying, “He’s not arrogant, he’s sophisticated and complex!” Cassidy recognizes the pattern too, straight up asking, “What is it with you and bad boys, Tamira? First it was Max, now it’s Price, who has a new girlfriend every week,” and wonders why Tamira doesn’t find someone more her own speed (like Eric from earlier in the show, maybe, who by now has fully disappeared). Tamira, of course, takes that as an insult.

As Cassidy and Denise leave, Tamira drops a book she was shelving, and Price picks it up and hands it back to her, which of course means he’s going to fall in love with her.

After the theme song, the teens (except for Sean and Tamira) are sitting in the cafeteria moaning about how they have to eat vending machine sandwiches after 7 pm, because the chefs’ union doesn’t allow its members to work more than 12 hour days (and good for them). They decide to open up their own late night cafe in the space, and Captain Ballard actually thinks it’s a great idea. Denise advises the rest of the teens to not tell Sean because he can go a little overboard with new business ideas, but too late, the captain is already sharing the idea with him as he walks through the door.

Of course, once the brainstorming begins, the teens all have different ideas about what the cafe should serve (Nigel has been kind enough to give them $500 worth of food). Everyone except for Tamira, that is, who is still dreaming about Price.

Tamira storms into her and Ashley’s cabin, where Alex is giving Ashley a pedicure, and wonders why guys never seem to notice her. Ashley recommends “a few tiny adjustments - makeup, hair, wardrobe, style, poise, grace, and an eyebrow tweeze.” As much as Tamira wants to say she’s changed, she’s resistant to this much of a makeover, until Alex says he likes that she’s still a kid because she reminds him of his little sister. As he leaves the room, she tries on a lipstick.

It’s opening night (or at least the soft launch) of the new cafe! The cafeteria is all decked out in a ‘50s diner theme and looking great. Sean is alternately hyping everyone up and annoying the pants off of them. When the doors finally open, it’s a madhouse, and afterward Sean gets food lobbed at him in the coffeehouse - doesn’t seem like it went very well, unfortunately, what with Cassidy writing orders down wrong after Sean handed out several two-for-one coupons, making crowd management very difficult, which meant Alex didn’t exactly do the best cooking job.

Tamira may not have shown up to the cafe, but she definitely makes an appearance in the coffehouse, all dressed up in a little red dress (guess she used the cafe time to do herself up). The new look gives her enough confidence to walk right up to Price and start talking with him. Whoa!

When we cut back in, Tamira and Price are alone on the deck (well, mostly; Denise and Cassidy are spying on them through the window). Price says that after the semester ends, he’s going to take the next year off to try and find himself; he feels really out of place because, as he puts it, “have you ever seen a bigger group of losers in your life?” At that point, the girls try to check in on Tamira, but when she says she doesn’t need them to look out for her, Price says, “What’d I tell you? Losers.” Tamira agrees with him in words, but her body language is telling a different story.

The next morning, even though she missed her first cafe shift, Tamira can’t go to the group’s pre-service meeting because Price wants to hang out. The meeting doesn’t get off to a great start anyway - Denise reports they lost $150, which makes most of the teens not want to continue. Jimmy, who has been trying to get the group to try his “Jimmy Wraps” the whole time to no avail, finally forces one into Denise’s mouth, and she loves it. He’s got several different varieties that he gives out to the rest of the group, and they’re all incredible. Looks like the cafe has found its new direction!

Sean walks into Tamira’s cabin to find her putting away all her stuffed animals. She makes the excuse that she’s redecorating because her old items are all immature, but he recognizes the deeper issues behind it: she’s ignoring her friends and dressing like she’s twice her age, turning into someone Sean doesn’t even know. For her part, Tamira can’t recognize the problem yet, saying, “Maybe I’ve outgrown you too.” As he leaves, he says, “You shouldn’t have to change who you are just to get some guy to like you; hope he’s worth it.” Hear, hear.

The cafe opens its doors for its next night of service, but no one has shown up, having been scared off from the night before. So the next day, the group goes on the advertising attack - Denise talks Jimmy Wraps up in class, Cassidy and Ashley serve some in swimsuits on the pool deck, and Alex pops an “Out of Order” sign on the vending machine before sharing Jimmy Wraps with the students who show up there.

While hanging out with Price, Tamira asks a really sweet question: “Do you ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else is looking at the same one at the same time?” When all Price says is, “No,” she shrivels into herself and says, “Me neither.” Price then offers her a flask that he immediately admits is vodka - seems the rumors that he’d been kicked out of his last school for drinking may have had some truth to them. She tells him “no thank you,” and while he doesn’t pressure her to drink at first, he takes a swig himself. Tamira says, “You know you could get expelled for that,” and all Price has to say is, “Like I care.” Then he does start to pressure her, saying, “Come on, we could have a good time.” She takes the flask for a moment, but then says, “I don’t need to drink to have a good time; am I on your loser list now, too?” All the rude jerk can say for himself is, “Hey, if the shoe fits.” Instead of dissolving in tears, Tamira gathers her courage and says, “You know, Price, I used to think you were someone really cool, someone that I wanted to be like, but I was wrong. Next year when you go to find yourself, don’t be surprised if you don’t like what you find.”

The Jimmy Wrap advertising worked, and the cafe is bustling. Tamira shows up just in time - Cassidy is drowning in orders, and the rest of the group is also thrilled to see her. At the end of the night, after paying Nigel back they essentially break even, which is really all they can ask for. And it seems they might be done for good, as apparently mass marketing the Jimmy Wraps took all the love out of cooking them for Jimmy, and he won’t give up the recipe to his secret sauce.

Tamira is putting her cabin back to normal when Sean comes in and tells her Price has been expelled for drinking. Tamira is more okay with it than Sean expected, and she shares with Sean that she realizes she almost lost the best friends she’s ever had because of Price’s influence and apologizes to Sean for the way she treated him. She asks him if he thinks she’ll ever have a boyfriend, and he says, “Yes, and he’ll see you for what you truly are: The sweetest and prettiest girl in the world.” She says, “You think so?” and he responds, “I know it for a fact.” There’s definitely a moment there, but neither are willing to acknowledge what it might mean - for now, anyway.

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Welcome back to Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown! Today we recap Breaker High, episode 23, “Two Seans Don’t Make a Right.”

The episode begins in the coffeehouse, with Cassidy bragging about her matchmaking skills with two other students. This only eggs Ashley on to want to prove her superiority in the area, so she winds up promising to get Captain Ballard and Ms. Mitchell together. Does she give a hoot about Max’s horrified face thinking about his father and his teacher dating? Absolutely not.

After the theme song, Sean is complaining about Jimmy’s messy habits to Tamira, and Jimmy is calling Sean a control freak to Denise, but of course they’re not talking to each other. Tamira and Denise, are, though, and they get Sean and Jimmy to agree to try “role reversal,” where Jimmy acts like Sean and Sean acts like Jimmy so they can try to see where the other is coming from. As maybe should have been expected, at first it definitely seems to backfire, turning into a roasting session instead (even if it is proven accurate immediately afterward).

Step 1 in Ashley’s matchmaking plan: Tell Captain Ballard and Ms. Mitchell that the other majorly complimented them (so what if it’s made up?). Step 2: Pretend Captain Ballard sent Ms. Mitchell a drink at the coffehouse, and convince her to join him at his table. Ashley then comes to Cassidy and Max (who look like they’re holding hands at first? Didn’t they break up weeks ago?!) to crow about her success; they don’t believe her until they see the captain and Ms. Mitchell emerge onto the deck as he’s putting a jacket over her shoulders. Maybe she’s getting somewhere after all.

While making fun of Sean, Jimmy falls off a table and appears to knock himself unconscious. He’s only out for a few seconds, but when he wakes, he really does start acting like Sean, and not in a mocking way this time. While Sean is a little weirded out at first, he convinces himself pretty easily that another one of him is a great idea, and they do making a striking pair strutting down the hallway.

In the classroom, Alex needles Max about his dad and Ms. Mitchell’s budding relationship, to which Max responds by grabbing Alex’s collar. When Ms. Mitchell reprimands Max, telling him his behavior is inappropriate, he grumbles, “You’re one to talk about inappropriate behavior,” and she gets a defensive look on her face while the class gasps.

Sean’s excitement over Jimmy acting like him begins to fade when Jimmy starts taking his clothes (like his lucky jacket, for example) without permission, and is fully gone when the girl he’s been crushing on starts acting interested in Jimmy. Safe to say Sean’s starting to see himself in a whole new light.

We get to see a self-aware side of Ashley this episode! When Max tells her she wouldn’t understand his feelings about his dad and Ms. Mitchell, she says, “Oh, I’m just one-dimensional Ashley Dupree, the human shopping spree; how could I possibly understand the dark, tortured mind of Max Ballard? I got through watching my parents split up. Watching them date other people - it’s hard to deal with, but it happens. You can handle it in two different ways: you can sit there and sulk, or you can get on with your life and let your father get on with his.” And of course Max responds to this by pretending he doesn’t care, but we can all see through it.

Sean has recruited Tamira and Denise to try and get Jimmy back to normal, and brings them back to his cabin where Jimmy is tied up. Tamira wants to hypnotize him, while Sean and Denise think hitting him in the head with a frying pan would work better. Eventually they realize violence isn’t it, so they try to tempt him with food instead. It seems like it doesn’t work, but then Jimmy’s “angel- and devil-over-shoulder-selves” appear to try to sway him to either side, and the bacon burger wins in the end, finished off with some chocolate pudding.

Max tells his dad he’s okay with the captain’s relationship with Ms. Mitchell, but Captain Ballard says he and the teacher are putting things on hold, as having a normal relationship while on the boat is pretty much next to impossible. Max wants to know more about what happened, but the captain responds with, “I’ll tell you more about my dates when you tell me about yours,” and fair point. While Max does ask Ashley not to meddle with his father anymore, he does thank her for her perspective, which she’ll take as a win.

To end the episode, Jimmy’s somehow back to being Sean - but consciously this time, as it seems to help him get girls, even as it does the opposite for Sean himself. We’ll see how long this lasts.

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Welcome back to Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown! Today we recap Breaker High, episode 22: “Yoo Hoo, Mr,” and with that, we are halfway through the show’s run.

We are still in London, and Sean and Jimmy are escorted back onto the ship by the police - they seem to be making a habit of getting mixed up with local law enforcement and celebrities. This time the famous person involved wasn’t as nice as supermodel Paprika in Italy - Sporty Spice didn’t exactly like them following her around the gym singing “Let’s Get Physical” at her. Jimmy comments that these cops are the nicest they’ve dealt with, and Captain Ballard has a point when he comes back with, “You two came on this ship to learn, not meet police.” As this was their fifth international incident, I think he’s justified in telling them that until they can prove to him they’re ready to behave, they’re confined to the ship. And then of course it turns into a literal bet with the other teens to see whether the boys will be able to tour any more of London.

Ms. Mitchell isn’t the only teacher on board apparently - another one announces to the class that Denise has been selected to compete in the Academic Scholar Bowl in Oxford, the winner of which receives a scholarship for summer studies there. There’s a reception with Oxford faculty, and Denise has a heck of a time picking out what to wear. She wants to look intelligent but hip, “like Oprah meets Queen Latifah,” and when she finds the perfect dress Tamira likens it to Sabrina the Teenage Witch getting ready to see the Witches’ Council and finds a way to invite herself as Denise’s plus one. But as Denise feared, when Tamira is actually there she’s a little out of her depth.

Another student pranked Alex by putting salsa in his jockstrap, so Alex is going to get back at him with a water balloon fight and invites Sean and Jimmy along. Is this truly all in good fun or a way to make sure he makes his $10 from the bet? Seems to be the latter, given Sean and Jimmy’s responses and the look on Alex’s face when he realizes they’re onto him. Then, while they’re leaving class, someone else has taken over Sean’s “Books on Scenefinder” scam (just pay a few bucks and have an easier time with your book resport) while, as the other student puts it, Sean’s had to take an early retirement. But they’re able to refuse him, too. In fact, they barricade themselves in their cabin to try and avoid getting into any trouble, which only leads Cassidy to yell through the door that the girls are having a pillow fight that night at midnight in her room. When the boys try to drown her out Ashley adds they’ll be wearing their babydoll pajamas, and not only that but she snagged Nigel’s key to the kitchen, and ooh Jimmy is tempted but stays strong. They finally emerge into the cafeteria and almost instigate a food fight, but wind up stopping it instead (of course right as they notice Captain Ballard is watching).

At the reception, a certain blazered teen walks in and it’s enough to make Denise drop her mocktail. It’s Alvin Fink, her academic rival, and of course he immediately has to needle her about coming in second place to him at the Bronx Science Fair and how he looks forward to trouncing her once again. They go back and forth, rattling off their accomplishments, and he has to one-up her every time, it’s really annoying.

Sean and Jimmy plead their case to Captain Ballard once they’ve been good for 24 hours straight, and he concedes slightly: They can go into London the next day, but with certain constraints. They’re not on a tour of the Wax Museum featuring Pamela Anderson, but of Buckingham Palace with a bunch of nuns. The boys do try to make a beefeater (the soldiers in red uniforms and fluffy hats) move from his post, but every U.K. tourist does that, right? It actually works, though, when Jimmy tempts him with a six-pack of chocolate yoohoo drinks. The guard drinks all but one, then runs to the bathroom, which of course means Jimmy somehow finds a uniform and takes his place. As Sean says, “This has international incident written all over it.”

Back in her cabin, Denise is freaking out over potentially losing to Fink again, so Tamira gives her a pep talk and attempts to do a marathon study session with her, but that devolves into Tamira waxing poetic about learning American history from Little House on the Prairie. Denise is fed up, saying “You can’t learn child psychology from Full House and the Flintstones have nothing to do with cultural anthropology,” (though actually I’d like to take that course!) and she calls Tamira stupid, which obviously causes Tamira to leave.

The competition has arrived, and of course Alvin and Denise are the last two contestants. All of Denise’s friends have shown up to support her, even Tamira, which is really nice to see, but doesn’t seem to have helped her nerves. The contest is tight, so much so that they’re tied going into the last question, which happens to start with “This author chronicled her diaries into the Little House book series,” and we can see Tamira’s eyes go wide. Denise mutters an exact repetition of Tamira’s earlier ramble and gets the answer right, to Tamira’s absolute joy.

Jimmy tries to join the changing of the guard, but all the police see is Sean tackling a beefeater - international incident #6 here we come. Jimmy is unmasked, and of course it’s the same constables that brought them in earlier that haul them off again.

Two episodes in a row we get a play on the “take the glasses off and they’re hot” trope - Denise does it to Alvin after he congratulates her on her win. It’s kind of nice to see the genders reversed, but what would be even better is not having to do it.

We end the episode as it began - Sean and Jimmy are called into Ballard’s office, and the rest of the students immediately bet they won’t get to see Denmark. Guess that’s where we’re going next!

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Welcome back to Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown! Today we recap Breaker High, episode 21: “That Lip Synching Feeling.” We are well ahead of the Ashlee Simpson SNL mishap, so I’m curious what we’re getting into.

It is the ‘90s, so what pop group will we start the episode talking about? The Spice Girls of course! Ashley is reading their “dirty secrets” aloud from a tabloid while Cassidy rolls her eyes and says she thinks they’re overrated. Sean spots an ad for a talent contest the following week in London, for which the winner takes home £500, and wouldn’t you know it that’s perfect timing for the Breaker High girls to form their own group (as Cassidy says, girl groups are really hot right now, and looking back she’s absolutely right) and enter the competition. Their name? The Pepper Girls :p.

Jimmy is impressed when a girl flirts with Max just in response to a “‘Sup?”, but Alex assures him that doesn’t work for everyone. Alex’s own approach is to compliment something specific about a girl - in Shelly’s case, her sandals (excuse me, what happened to all the developments with Ashley last episode?!). He notes that “Becky over there has great hair” and while I am beside myself with the longevity of this reference, Jimmy takes the hint and goes over to her. He starts off well by saying it looks awesome, but then gets weird by asking if he can touch it and smell it. To top it all off, while Max and Alex are asked to play doubles volleyball with Becky and presumably Shelly, Jimmy can’t think of anything to compliment about a goth girl, so she pushes him in the pool.

Denise and Tamira walk in on Ashley and Cassidy rehearsing, and it’s clear they’re not actually singing. Cassidy challenges Denise to do better, and she responds with an incredible rendition of “Amazing Grace” - she was a soloist in church choir for seven years and it shows. Ashley and Cassidy ask if she’ll join the Pepper Girls, and Denise is in. The group needs an original song, and Tamira is willing to let them use one she’s written, but she gets terrible stage fright so doesn’t want to be any further involved than that.

Jimmy finds a note outside his cabin door that apparently smells like pot roast. It instructs him to meet the sender on the pool deck Friday night at 8 - the secret admirer will be the one with the bow. He shows up in a button-down shirt tucked into khakis with slicked-back hair, clearly having gone all out, and while he’s on the top level, there’s a girl with a bow in her hair on the lower level, and they don’t see each other so both think they’ve been stood up. Jimmy drinks his feelings in milkshakes at the coffeehouse; Alex and Max show up and tease him, but then realize how seriously he’s taking it. Tamira suggests the two of them set him up, but they turn the question back on her, and her reluctance basically says everything about how hard it’ll be.

Jimmy comes back to his room to his phone ringing - it’s the girl but apparently the phone has been ringing a little too long, because she hangs up right before he answers. Is *69 or caller ID a thing yet?

The teens are off the boat in London as the Pepper Girls are trying on outfits for their showcase, and unpaid manager Sean has been dragged along. They find coordinating looks that are basically ‘90s versions of ‘60s mod and do actually look really cute. Then we get a choreography rehearsal montage, and let’s just say they need the practice, but when they get it they get it.

In trying to find someone who’ll go out with Jimmy, Alex and Max inadvertently crack the case. They ask Becky if she knows anyone who’ll go out with him, and she responds, “Not after what he did to my roommate Annette the other night,” leading them to realize what happened. Alex wants to go talk to Annette, saying he has an idea to sort the whole thing out, and while it’s definitely sweet I am still a little scared.

The Pepper Girls are about to leave for the gig when Denise arrives looking glum and holding a note - she’s got laryngitis! Plan B: lip synching to the rehearsal tape…until they get to the competition site and the stage manager says that’s prohibited. Cassidy suggests they try and get Tamira to sing, but Tamira has gone MIA. Of course, after Denise goes to look for her, Alex and Max show up with a down-in-the-dumps Jimmy, and when the stage manager calls for them to either go on stage or forfeit, they convince Jimmy to go before them as rapper “Hungry J,” the Pepper Girls’ opening act, to buy them some time. He feeds off the crowd’s energy (no pun intended) and actually does a great beatbox and freestyle rap.

Denise does wind up finding Tamira, who guesses almost everything Denise is going to say (well, write) before she actually does, so Denise writes down the one thing left up her sleeve: an all-caps PLEASE.

After Hungry J’s ovation, it’s Pepper Girls time! Like the Spice Girls, they each have their own pepper name - Ashley is Southern Bell(e) Pepper, Cassidy is Lemon Pepper, Denise is Cayenne Pepper, and I’m obsessed. They start dancing, and it looks like it’s going to be just the three of them, but then Tamira comes out! And she sounds great. (Though afterward, when she has to come up with a pepper name on the spot, all she can think of is Dr. Pepper).

The winner of the contest is…Hungry J! So of course now Sean wants to be his manager. Alex and Max then bring out Jimmy / Hungry J’s biggest fan - Annette! Their shy smiles are the cutest thing. Even the pot roast scent mystery is solved - Annette’s room is right above the galley, which of course is a green flag for Jimmy. “You like me and you live near food? You’re like my perfect woman!” Before they walk away, Annette puts on her glasses and Jimmy doesn’t even care (that preemptive “makeover”? Unnecessary).

Tamira’s just proud that she was brave enough to get out and sing in front of everyone, and comes to the realization that “it doesn’t matter if it’s seven people or 700, as long as you have confidence in yourself,” which makes Denise grin and give her a big hug.

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Welcome back to Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown! Today we recap Breaker High, episode 20: “Squall’s Well That Ends Well.”

Looks like this will be another all-on-ship episode; if you couldn’t guess from the title, Captain Ballard and Tony confirm it when discussing how they need to avoid some rough weather before heading to port, but after having been at sea for two weeks the kids are starting to go a little stir-crazy.

We are really pulling out all the character stereotypes this episode. Ashley is upset that she’s starting to run out of hair product, Alex bumbles his way through trying to make her feel better, and Jimmy’s unhygienic habits are on full display.

Denise and Cassidy seem to be having some roommate issues. Seeing only a crumpled up piece of paper with “I <3 Brad Pitt” on it, Denise didn’t recognize Cassidy’s history notes so threw them away when tidying the room, and also erased Cassidy’s “date grid” from her whiteboard to have a space to leave a note that Cassidy’s mom called. Now who will Cassidy know who she’s going out with on Friday? When Denise responds, “Probably both guys,” Cassidy takes that as jealousy.

Tamira had borrowed Denise’s history notes, which Denise then promised to Cassidy after the “throwing away” incident, but Tamira accidentally ruined Denise’s notes too. How are they supposed to study now?

The students are supposed to be attending a lifeboat drill in advance of the upcoming storm, but Ashley skips it in favor of a face mask and hot rollers. Gonna guess this is going to come back to bite her.

Ms. Mitchell tells Captain Ballard that Max has missed three classes this week, and the captain’s first response is to sigh and say, “And here I thought Max was starting to make an effort,” instead of wondering if something’s wrong. I know they’re used to him being a troublemaker, but jumping to conclusions still ain’t it.

Max comes to see his dad in the ship’s cockpit, but at that point it’s too late for a conversation - the storm is here. After Captain Ballard calls for all students to head to the cafeteria or coffeehouse immediately, Alex goes to Ashley’s room to try and pry her out, but she’s still in the middle of taking out her curlers and scraping off her mask. The captain then gives the order to seal all non-essential areas (of course thinking the students are gathered together) and says they could be looking at a hurricane - better hurry, Ashley and Alex.

The cafeteria’s power goes out, which means no unnecessary appliances can be used, which means Nigel won’t be cooking, which means Jimmy is distraught.

Alex and Ashley reach the door to the hallway and it’s locked - they’re officially sealed in and we might have ourselves a Titanic moment. For now, they head back to Ashley’s cabin.

“All hands on deck” is being taken literally now, and Captain Ballard has Max man the radar station. Hope he’s picked something up from watching his dad over the years, because that’s a lot of pressure.

Captain Ballard goes over the intercom again to tell everyone to put their lifejackets on if they haven’t already. Ashley complains about how the Day-Glo orange clashes with her hair, and Alex has had it. “I don’t just like you because you’re beautiful. You’re also smart and funny - you have a lot of good things going for you besides your looks, which are spectacular. In fact, you look beautiful to me right now when you’re not wearing any makeup at all.” In any other case I’d get into how that last sentece shouldn’t be a necessary statement to make, but given Ashley’s pageant background, for her it truly is affirming.

Everyone in the cafeteria is getting hungrier and hungrier when Jimmy remembers he happens to have a hidden food stash in there. He tosses bags of cheese puffs and other snacks to the thrilled students and faculty. As everyone chows down, their worries go back to making it through the storm and surprising confessions emerge - Sean accidentally shares he’s never kissed a girl, and Denise sometimes actually likes it when guys hold the door open for her.

Back in the cabin, Ashley confirms her insecurities to Alex: “Growing up, all I ever heard was ‘Dress properly; look your best.’ I was under constant pressure.” And before an injury, so was Alex with sports. While they have that commonality, Ashley takes it to a whole new level. She says, “I tried going out without makeup once. It was the worst six minutes of my entire life. It felt like everyone was staring at me,” (apparently it was different from the stares she got because people thought she was pretty). Ashley then realizes she’s scared, so Alex kisses her to distract her, and with her enthusiastic consent they continue. When we fade back in, they are still clothed, asleep but holding hands.

Breaker High has made it through the storm! Tamira’s figured out a plan for borrowing another student’s notes, and Denise did some asking around to confirm who Cassidy is going out with each day that weekend (and reminds her to call her mom).

After his performance during the storm, Captain Ballard tells Max he’d be happy to have him on his bridge anytime 🥲 (though of course that also has to include a “Start going to class!”). Max smiles and salutes in response - maybe he’ll take after his old man after all.

To end the episode, Alex and Ashley kiss on deck - looks like they might be official :D.

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Welcome back to Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown! Today we recap Breaker High, episode 19: “All Seeing Bull’s Eye.”

We’ve got flamenco music playing and a shot of the running of the bulls on screen - we must be in Spain! Tamira has found herself in a fortune teller’s tent and somehow doesn’t go full skeptic when the woman guesses about 20 different “T” names, of which none are her own, so when the fortune teller says Tamira has the all-seeing eye, Tamira absolutely believes her.

The other students are watching a flamenco performance, and everyone is entranced, especially the boys. While Sean fails to flirt, Alex (to Ashley’s chagrin) and Max absolutely succeed.

Back on the ship, the other girls mostly humor Tamira as she makes her predictions: Cassidy will be blown off by a six-foot man eating chicken, and something Ashley doesn’t realize she cherishes will be lost, but Denise refuses to let Tamira say anything about her.

The next day, Cassidy’s date does in fact cancel on her while chomping down on chicken (she does ask, and he denies any connection to Tamira), and Alex declines to spend the Barcelona day with Ashley as he’ll instead be hanging out with the girl he met at the flamenco dance.

Max and his date, Lola, are walking on the beach and talking about how their respective art forms allow them to express their emotions when Lola’s brothers come along and put on their most intimidating faces, splitting the two up - at least for now.

As Sean and Jimmy pretend to “run with the bulls” on the ship’s deck, Tamira “sees” them literally running for their lives at the actual event the next day and tells them so. Somehow, this makes them excited instead of nervous.

Max walks up to Lola while she’s selling flowers and buys a couple, only for her brothers to see him again and show their displeasure by giving him a black eye. Alex tells him, “You should leave her alone, man,” when he sees, and all Max can say is, “I wish I could.”

Seems there’s a line out the door for Tamira’s services now. With help from Cassidy, Ashley realizes that Alex is in fact the thing she lost, and runs to ask Tamira how she can get him back. Tamira says Ashley needs to take her future into her own hands, but when Ashley presses for more information, Tamira snaps, saying she can’t take all the pressure of everyone looking to her for answers and having to keep her all-seeing eye open for everyone.

Max is playing his guitar on the ship when suddenly Lola is there?! She has been thrown out of her family for dishonoring them, even though literally nothing happened, and she had nowhere else to go, so he promises he’ll take care of it.

At the same time, Tamira (in her pajamas) rushes into Alex’s cabin to wake him up and tell him she had a dream where Max and a girl were in trouble, so when he’s not in bed, Alex says he’ll go find them. Tamira tries to change fate by telling him to bring Sean and Jimmy, in an attempt to keep them away from the running of the bulls.

Max brings Lola back to her family, and somehow it’s his handing over his guitar to Lola’s brother that convinces said brother he was wrong about Max and to apologize to Lola. As thanks, Lola gives Max a necklace that I think we may see him wearing for a while (or at least until the end of the episode). Max even joins the brothers in playing guitar to accompany Lola’s next flamenco dance. So Alex has no rescuing to do, but Sean and Jimmy don’t realize that; they run in and tackle the brothers, but it seems it’s not the bulls Tamira saw them running from but the men instead. While everyone’s distracted, Max gives Lola a kiss.

Back in the coffeehouse, Ashley finds Alex and plants a kiss on his mouth. He’s a little dazed, but grinning. On the other side of the room, Tamira says her all-seeing eye is officially closed for business - the stakes of telling Cassidy whether or not she has to study for social studies that weekend are a little too low - but she does then stop Cassidy from being sprayed with water, so who knows?

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Welcome back to Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown! Today we recap Breaker High, episode 18: “Silence of the Lamborghini.” After last episode, the show can’t really go anywhere but up, so as long as this isn’t a full horror movie parody, we should be good.

Ashley’s dad pulled some strings (aka bought a textile company) and got all four of our main girls tickets to Milan’s biggest fashion event of the year! There will be several celebrities there, but they’re especially excited to see male model Apollo.

In class, Max (not unkindly) corrects Ms. Mitchell in an art history lesson on Michelangelo, showing that he’s done his research and those sketches he’s been doing aren’t just natural talent but something he’s taking pretty seriously. Though when Captain Ballard then comes in and shares that he’s found graffiti mocking Leonardo da Vinci’s “The Last Supper” onboard, it’s hard to suspect anyone else.

The first excursion we see is the boys heading to the “Ferrati” factory - could they not actually say “Ferrari”? Sean breaks away from the tour and jumps into a car, expecting to be able to test drive it, but is immediately waylaid by a staff member. Jimmy tries something similar and gets the same result.

Denise makes it sound like she won’t be attending the fashion show after all; she’s going to the Duomo instead. The other three are still excited, until they realize the tickets have gone missing! They may have accidentally been thrown away on a cafeteria tray - whoops.

Sean and Jimmy are moping until they see someone else test driving the car; as soon as he gets out and leaves it alone with the keys still in the engine, they hop in and zoom right off.

Captain Ballard catches Max spray-painting the Mona Lisa on the ship and is none too pleased. He tells his son, “Ever since you got on this ship you’ve been looking for a way to get off it, and now you’ve got it. Pack up your things, you’re going home.” Max doesn’t respond, but given the look on his face, does he now actually want to stay?!

In the cafeteria, Ashley, Cassidy and Tamira are dumpster diving to try and find the tickets. Tamira finds her favorite retainer (ew) and, yes, also the tickets - seems she’s had experience doing this.

Jimmy is having a bit of a morality crisis and wants them to bring the car back to the factory, until Sean spots a gorgeous Italian woman up ahead who’s clearly having car trouble. Guess they’ll be staying on the road a little longer.

Max has gone to Ms. Mitchell to explain his situation. She advises that if he apologizes and whitewashes his graffiti, his dad might change his mind, but Max doesn’t understand why he should have to do that, considering Michelangelo also painted walls. Ms. Mitchell has a point when she says he didn’t sneak in to do that; he was commissioned. Max takes that personally, thinking no one wants to see his paintings, and heads off in a huff.

Sean goes up to flirt with the Italian woman, whose name we learn is Paprika, not realizing she has a buff, handsome companion with her. While Sean and Apollo (!) stay back with her car, Paprika (who is also a supermodel) jumps into the Ferrati with Jimmy, and they drive back to Milan so she’s not late for her show.

The girls (including Denise; alright then) have front row seats! And as much as Denise was making fun of the modeling industry earlier (honestly, good on her for recognizing the “emaciated chic” looks they were promoting at the time), once she sees a male model on the runway, she turns just as shallow as everyone else.

Apollo and Sean try to hitchhike, but the truck they jump into winds up being full of manure.

Captain Ballard says to Ms. Mitchell that he’s starting to think the only kind of place that could handle Max is a military school. She tells him a couple weeks ago she might have agreed, but beseeches him to see the merits in Max’s art. “As a captain, I know you have to put a stop to [using the ship as a canvas], but as a father, I really think you should encourage Max’s talent.”

At the fashion show, Jimmy is in Paprika’s dressing room, and she kisses him on the cheek as she thanks him for getting her there on time. The Italian police show up and try to arrest Jimmy for car theft, but Paprika says if they arrest him, they need to arrest her too, and it’s show time.

Denise has jumped up on the runway to grind up on the male models?! Ashley is mortified. It’s Paprika’s turn to walk, and she’s still handcuffed to Jimmy, so he walks the runway with her.

Afterward, Ashley and Cassidy are upset that Apollo didn’t show, but when he tries to introduce himself to them, they don’t believe it’s actually him because he’s all covered in dirt and manure. Joke’s on them; as soon as they walk away, a bunch of paparazzi converge on him.

Jimmy doesn’t get away from the police that easily, and nor does Sean, who Jimmy points out hiding behind a clothing rack in the dressing room.

Ms. Mitchell unveils Max’s painting interpretation of Michelangelo’s “David” in the coffeehouse, and everyone loves it (even the captain, since this one is sanctioned). Captain Ballard actually tells Max he’s got real talent and uses an art term correctly, and I don’t think we’ve seen a grin this big on Max’s face in a long time.

Denise excuses her fashion show behavior by saying she ate a bad pesto in Rome, which triggered a mild delirium, except then her medical journal’s cover falls away to reveal a fashion magazine featuring an ad with a shirtless man. Hey, sometimes it’s okay to be shallow, even if you have an image to maintain. We contain multitudes!

And don’t worry, Sean and Jimmy are fine. They’re actually bragging about their exploits - apparently Paprika bought the Ferrati, which got them out of jail. They think Captain Ballard never found out, until he comes up behind them, grabs their collars, and tells them to come to his office. Good - I would hope literal grand theft auto would have more severe consequences than graffiti! We’ll see if we ever find out what they are, though.

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Welcome back to Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown! Today we recap Breaker High, episode 17: “When in Rome.” Are we in Italy now (despite it being very far from Scotland, where we were last episode)?!

We are! Clad in a swimsuit (as is everyone else on deck), Ashley announces they’ll be arriving in Rome within the hour. While she wants to upgrade her wardrobe to the newest designer fashions, the other girls will be volunteering at an orphanage as part of teacher Ms. Mitchell’s “Heal the World” project. Once she hears that Prince Stefan from a place that sounds like Genovia from The Princess Diaries (aka vaguely European but definitely made up) will be there to dedicate the cornerstone of a new wing he helped fund, Ashley changes her tune.

In the coffeehouse, Sean and Jimmy are trying to get Max to show them the two tickets he snagged for a Eurocup soccer match (to no avail). Alex, who is presumably supposed to be going with Max, starts sneezing, and everyone around him, including Tony, determines that he must be coming down with the virus that’s been going around. Max reassures Alex he’ll bring him back a program, but then he sneezes too. Uh oh.

The girls arrive at the orphanage around the same time as the prince, and somehow Ashley mistakes his chauffeur for him? Seems odd for a girl who has a subscription to Royals Around the World to not know what he looks like, but fine. The creepy part happens when the chauffeur goes along with the mistake, and my secondhand embarrassment is not thrilled about this development.

Spoiler alert: My secondhand embarrassment was right and I hate the rest of this episode; seriously did Rome dirty. We’ll go through it anyway, but quickly.

Cassidy mocks the prince after he gives a speech, he absolutely overhears but doesn’t seem to mind - in fact, it seems refreshing as opposed to the usual paparazzi adoration. So when the two of them put on a puppet show for the kids, he asks her out for espresso?! Ashley and the chauffeur are in the back of the limo; he sees the prince coming and unceremoniously shoves her out and into a taxi so she doesn’t realize the deception.

Alex and Max are in fact sick. Sean and Jimmy come in wearing masks to bring them soup - very clearly a bribe to see if they can get the Eurocup tickets. Alex and Max were prepared and have a list of tasks for the other two. The next morning, Alex and Max wake up feeling better, so they can still go to Eurocup, but there’s the small matter of Sean and Jimmy having done everything that was asked of them. However, attractive student nurse Davia comes in and suddenly Alex and Max aren’t feeling so good again.

Ashley brags about meeting the prince to Tamira and Denise; Tamira is about to spill the beans that it wasn’t him but Denise stops her, basically to let Ashley keep talking because they think it’s funny. Meanwhile, Cassidy is actually out with the prince, regaling him with a surfing story, and essentially convinces him to “play hooky” from his responsibilities. This actually works, as later Stefan winds up in Cassidy’s room on the ship?! (This is to Cassidy’s surprise, she didn’t bring him). He gets changed into some of Jimmy’s clothes as a disguise, and while his country is figuratively up in arms about their missing prince, he’s grabbing gelato and playing Scrabble with Cassidy.

The next day, Max and Alex give Sean and Jimmy the soccer tickets in exchange for leaving them alone, thinking they’ll get Davia to themselves, but turns out she took the day off. They get Nurse Pritchett instead, who is a seasoned veteran who apparently started out in Alcatraz and acts like it.

Ashley is out to eat with the chauffeur; he grabs a newspaper out of her hand so she doesn’t see a photo of the real prince. He “usually has a servant with him to handle payment” so she treats him, and then he says they should go shopping for the both of them afterward - this guy is a slimeball. Even after that, back in her cabin Ashley sings the wedding march as Denise and Tamira giggle, fantasizing about who she still thinks is the prince.

Stefan and Cassidy watch a news bulletin of Stefan’s mother, the queen, asking for his safe return. He changes back into his suit, realizing he has to leave, and suggests Cassidy come with him. She declines - her place is at Breaker High and she has midterms next week.

Ashley finds her “Stefan” and thinks he’s going to propose? Considering the real one basically did to Cassidy I guess this isn’t too far off. Then the real Stefan comes up behind them and the chauffeur has no choice but to put his uniform cap on and Ashley realizes she’s been duped. Turns out he isn’t even really the chauffeur; he’s the pool guy (the actual chauffeur was on vacation).

It is understandable if you need a break this time, so uh, come back to this channel! We’ll be right back on Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown.