Welcome back to Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown! Today we recap Breaker High, episode 6: “Tomb with a View.”

Breaker High is heading to Egypt, so Tamira, Denise and Ashley are teaming up on a school project about the country, focusing on jewelry. Ashley is fully prepared with an entire blueprint of the Cairo bazaar, with all the jewelry stalls highlighted and everything - Denise is half derisive and half impressed when she says, “Only you could find a way to get a course credit for a shopping spree!”

Cassidy and Max are also partners on the project; they’ll be touring the Valley of the Kings. That leaves Alex, Jimmy and Sean who, instead of sightseeing at the Giza pyramids and checking out the Sphinx, plan to find some Cairo locals to get a taste of the real Egypt.

We fade in on Cassidy listening to a tour guide in a tomb in the Valley of the Kings, who is talking about how the underground paths wind in a labyrinth for miles, so it’s very easy to lose your way, and legend has it that a curse will befall anyone who dares disturb the tomb, so the group needs to stay together. Of course, Max is at the back of the pack, and he and Cassidy hang back to bicker, so they lose sight of everyone and they are now doing exactly what the tour guide warned against.

Sean, Jimmy and Alex make their way into a tent of some kind and wind up chatting with a young Egyptian boy who challenges them to a high-stakes game of cards. Alex is unsure, given that they just met, but Sean is totally in. Instead of backing up their friend, Alex and Jimmy decide to embrace being tourists and go see the Nile - I can’t blame them but am also a little nervous for Sean in this moment.

Back on the ship, Ashley, Tamira and Denise are considering their next steps. Ashley had a great morning of hands-on research trying on earrings and sniffing leather to make sure it was real and wants to continue (one of the jewelers has a shipment of amber due in any minute), but Denise wants to go to the museum for a more academic, historical spin. The theme of this episode seems to be splitting up and presumably the reasons why they shouldn’t.

Sean has been playing cards with the Egyptian kids for so long that he’s in the same spot when Jimmy and Alex get back from their tourist day. Seems the kids played a bit of a long game - while Sean seemed to do well at first, by the time Jimmy and Alex show up he’s bet away everything but his boxers and has lost 32 hands in a row.

Max and Cassidy are officially walking in circles in the tomb. They hear a giant crash, and maybe there’s something to this ancient curse thing after all.

Back on the ship that night, a despondent Sean decides to go for a walk on deck, even though he’s only wearing a towel. Just his luck, it gets caught when he slams the door, and judging from the shrieks we hear, some girls in the hallway got an unexpected flash; seems gratuitousness started early for baby Ryan Gosling. Jimmy wants to be noble and win Sean his items back - we’ll see how this goes.

Max and Cassidy are still alone in the tomb. Cassidy had signed them up for a night tour of the pyramids, so no one on the ship is expecting them back until after midnight anyway. They start bickering again, and eventually Cassidy reaches a tipping point and asks, “What’s up with your whole misunderstood loner routine?” She’s used to being the new kid, too, as her dad was in the navy so she moved around a lot, and wound up adopting the “fake it till you make it” attitude to get by. Max doesn’t respond to Cassidy’s vulnerability well, though, calling her shallow, but when Cassidy is clearly hurt by his words he apologizes. This apparently means it’s time to go from zero to 100 - Cassidy says, “If we don’t make it out of this tomb, I have something I want to say: I want you to know I think you’re the hottest guy on the boat,” and Max actually has game and says, “Here’s something I want to say to you,” before kissing her. Teenage hormones everywhere! Now to see if the flirtation Max and Tamira have had going on is affected…

Jimmy shows back up at the card game tent ready to win back Sean’s things, looking more like he’s in South America than Egypt, and belches loudly to get everyone’s attention. He tosses a Gameboy onto the kids’ table, which for 1997 is a pretty big deal, and even throws in Mortal Kombat and Donkey Kong cartridges. Jimmy wants to be the one to pick the game…and apparently it’s Go Fish. It seems that was the right move, as he takes the boys for almost everything they’ve got, but settles for Sean’s stuff and a falafel wrap.

Max and Cassidy are rescued! Turns out the noises they heard were just the night security guard walking around.

The next day on the ship, Tamira and Denise are starting to put together the visual portion of their presentation with information from the museum, but Ashley adds additional context from her conversations with the woman she spoke with at the jewelry stall in the bazaar whose family had been in the business for generations. This is a valuable lesson to the girls that there are multiple ways to learn, including experientially, not just from a textbook.

Cassidy rejoins her friends, and as she tells the tale of having to spend the night in the tomb, Tamira can only respond with, “You were with Max all night in the dark?!” Ashley can’t believe there could be anything romantic about being in a dingy, creepy hole; Cassidy almost shares what happened, but catches Max’s eye and stops herself. Why does she feel the need to keep the kiss a secret? Let’s see if we find out.

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Welcome back to Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown! Today we recap Breaker High, episode 5: “Kenya Dig It.”

As you might have guessed, Breaker High is on its way to Kenya, so the class is having two guest speakers come to prep them (turns out the woman advertising the fire-walking outing last episode is the onboard teacher, which I should have guessed). As luck would have it, they are two good-looking men, so Ashley and Cassidy are paying attention. These two brothers, Kip and Marcus (actual brothers, not slang), are going to be the group’s guides at a game reserve that weekend. Marcus will be leading a photo safari, and Kip will be offering a close-up look into Masai warrior culture. The latter notes, “Some of you boys look like athletes; maybe you’d like to see if you’ve got what it takes.” Denise immediately takes notice of his phrasing and interjects, “Excuse me, are you trying to suggest that women can’t be warriors?” Luckily, his response is, “Not at all! Feel free to join us,” and Denise says she’ll be there.

Ashley seems to have regressed a bit from last episode - she somehow thinks the men who went to school in Nairobi might recognize her from the TV airing of the Miss Southern Teen Pageant. Tamira, too - like the tangent she went on to Max in the first episode, she goes on about how much she loves lions so she really hopes they see one on the safari. Even Alex starts bragging to Kip about how he’s already a warrior since his high school sports team was the Gladiators, but his story about throwing seven touchdowns in one game on an unseasonably cold day pales in comparison to Kip’s wrestling a wild boar with his bare hands on his eighth birthday.

After the theme song, we find Sean and Jimmy discussing the outings. Jimmy’s gung-ho about the Masai warrior option, while Sean wants to go on the safari. “But the safari’s going to be all girls!” Jimmy says. Sean raises his eyebrows and it seems like Jimmy gets it, but then when Sean continues setting a scene about sleeping in tents at night and the audience all knows what that’s meant to be the “perfect setting” for, Jimmy ends that sentence with “shadow puppets.” Apparently he does a really good Beavis, Butthead, Urkel, even Yo-Yo Ma.

Meanwhile, Ashley and Cassidy are still admiring Kip and Marcus, and Alex’s green-eyed monster starts to make its appearance. “What’s so great about those guys?” he asks. “Sure, they’re highly educated, and warriors, and can wrestle wild animals with their bare hands, but I bet their JV football coach never nicknamed them Sparkplug!” Cassidy clocks out loud that he’s jealous, and Ashley eggs him on with “Well, sparkplug, you could start my engine anytime if you were a warrior.” Princeton boyfriend Tyler who?!

We are off the ship and on the game reserve! The safari participants are all in their best animal print, cargo shirts, khakis and wide-brimmed hats. Sean pulls the same money-making scheme attempt in the fireworks episode by telling Marcus (after watching him toss luggage into a pickup truck) that he should join the NBA and design a shoe, and Sean will only take a 65% cut, but he’s shot down immediately when Marcus says, “Nice try. I’ve seen Jerry Maguire.” And of course, Ashley and Cassidy continue flirting with him.

In the village, Kip shows his group a weapon that kind of looks like a javelin broomstick and advises them to be careful aiming, but Alex literally laughs in his face and says, “I don’t need advice on how to throw, okay? I was an all-state quarterback.” Wow, rude. He tosses one and brags about the distance it got; I am very glad Kip immediately shoots him down with “When it comes to survival, distance isn’t as important as accuracy. The targets are over there [in the total opposite direction].” Denise goes next, and Alex makes a terrible comment again, saying, “Shouldn’t she be shooting from the ladies’ tee?” The guy who last episode talked about helping his sisters through heartbreak really did not seem like one to be saying things like that. Point for Denise, though, because she rolls her eyes, hits a bullseye from right next to Alex, and immediately rubs it in his face.

In the Jeep on the safari, Sean tries once again to be Marcus’ agent and asks if he ever considered an acting or modeling or recording career. Annoyed, Marcus simply says “No.” Undaunted, Sean tells Jimmy to give Marcus his card, to which Jimmy responds, “Library or Blockbuster?” Oh, Blockbuster, I miss you.

Back with the warrior group, now in the middle of the forest, Alex thinks he’s going to ace the long jump, but slips on some rocks and injures himself. Kip insists that Alex stay off his foot and skip the 10K trek the group is about to head off on and instead immerse himself in other aspects of Masai culture, like beadwork. As we might expect, Alex’s first thought is, “Isn’t that for women?” Ugh. It looks like Denise is about to quip something back, but unfortunately the episode skips.

We jump abruptly to Sean pitching one last idea to Marcus: Virtual Masai, an interactive CD-ROM. Sean asks, “How can you say no to that?” and Marcus says, “In three different languages, but I’ll use one you’ll understand: No.” He takes the Jeep and goes off to set up for a cookout, leaving the group alone for a few hours (I cannot see this being allowed nowadays). Sean and Jimmy find the girls’ tent, asking if they’re up for a pajama party, and are rendered speechless when they find the girls in robes and mud masks and their hair wrapped in towels. But of course, this beauty prep is not for them, but for Kip and Marcus.

Back with the warrior group, everyone but Alex sets off on their trek as Kip warns that they need to stick together as the area is known for lions. As they leave, he hobbles up and puts his backpack on. The women he’s near don’t try to stop him, but it’s obvious this is a bad idea.

We quickly flip back to the tent, where Jimmy now has a mud mask on and is talking about his combination skin. Then back to the forest, where Alex is limping along, seemingly alone, until he comes across a little girl. In the tent again, Tamira is bemoaning how she wants to see a lion up close when the group hears a roar and sees one stalking right outside, of course while Marcus is gone - judging by her shrieks, somehow I don’t think she meant right now. Sean suggests they throw something at it to scare it off, and the first thing Jimmy grabs to do that with is Sean’s wallet? Okay. Ashley sprays some perfume in its direction, but that doesn’t do anything either. And then they try reading aloud to see if that puts it to sleep? Except all they have are toothpaste tube and shampoo bottle labels - yikes.

Back in the forest, Alex’s conscience gets the best of him and he decides to help the girl home instead of trying to catch up to his group. He says, “So much for being a Masai warrior,” but in reality this is maybe the most heroic thing he could be doing.

Reading toiletry ingredients may not have put the lion to sleep, but apparently Ashley’s beauty pageant stories do. And he’s not the only one snoozing - Sean, Jimmy and Tamira are all out like a light, too. Eventually Marcus gets back, and reassures the teens that there’s nothing to fear - this old lion’s name is Mambo, and he’s toothless and harmless.

Alex brings the little girl back to camp, where the rest of his group is now waiting. Turns out her name is Nalangu and she does speak English, even though she kept quiet in the forest - Alex never asked, so she never spoke. She says there was one thing she didn’t understand, though, and then goes into a whole football hypothetical that I can’t even decipher, so go off, kid.

Later the night, around a campfire, Ashley’s excited when Marcus asks her a question, but is quickly deflated when he wants to buy some of her cosmetics because his wife has combination skin. Kip walks around handing out traditional necklaces to the teens in the warrior group who demonstrated exemplary attributes, and Alex is surprised when he is one of them. Kip explains that one of the Masai’s most valued traits is actually gentleness, which Alex had in spades when bringing Nalangu back. Happy endings for everyone!

This is a reminder that we are still firmly in the era of episodic television, where each half-hour can almost stand on its own, as opposed to serialized, where there is more of an overarching arc and more connections are made as the show’s season goes on. I think I like serialized better (though it is also possible I’m just more used to it at this point), but sunk cost fallacy and a genuine enjoyment of most of these characters will keep me sticking with Breaker High.

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Welcome back to Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown! Today we recap Breaker High, episode 4: “Don’t Get Curried Away.”

We are officially in a time before social media, as the episode starts with Ashley requesting that Tamira take a photo of her with an actual camera so she can show her boyfriend back home, Tyler (who goes to Princeton, might she remind you), what it’s like on the ship. And of course, Ashley’s “everyday outfit” that she wears for said photo includes a feather boa and a tiara, unironically.

After taking the photo, Tamira immediately brings the mood down by asking, “Do you ever think about Tyler cheating on you? You know what they say about those college girls.” Ashley brushes it off and remembers she promised to call Tyler when the ship docked in India - seems that’s now! Except when she dials, a woman’s voice answers the phone. We don’t hear what Tyler says when he eventually comes on the line, but we can tell from Ashley’s verbal response that he asked if she’s sitting down and from her facial expression that this can’t be anything good.

We come back from the theme song to our favorite group of teenagers eating a meal in an Indian restaurant and Tony letting them know he’s off to the market. He references the episode’s title and puns, “Don’t get curried away,” which no one responds positively to; I appreciate the show’s writers making fun of themselves here so I’ll give them a shoutout.

Sean and Jimmy think it’ll be funny to have a hot pepper eating contest so stuff several in their mouths and immediately regret it, though of course their bravado turns their next words into “I bet I can drink more water than you!” Cassidy, Denise, Tamira and Max look on, bewildered at their antics. As the newbie, Max wants to know where the endless competitive streak came from, and apparently it stems from a wet T-shirt contest in Samoa that Jimmy won (to which Sean retorts “Listen, the Samoans have a completely different standard of beauty!”). Normally baby Ryan Gosling would be the expected wet T-shirt contest winner, so I see where Sean is coming from, but also understand why Jimmy is a little offended. The rematch maybe didn’t need to be in the middle of the restaurant using the water pitchers on the table, but at least the server takes it in stride and says, “Too close to call.”

Later that day, back on the ship, Sean and Jimmy walk past a girl advertising sign-ups for a hot coal walk - one guess where this is going. She tells them that an introductory prep class is required; after she walks away, Sean says, “I don’t need a prep class,” and Jimmy’s response of “Yeah, well, I don’t have any class,” is perhaps not what he intended to say. Given that they’re both struggling with the heat of the pool deck on their bare feet after it’s been baking in the sun, I don’t have very high hopes for either of them.

We find Ashley eating a pint of ice cream while walking on a Stairmaster-esque step machine, and Alex also quickly notices the contradiction. Ashley explains, “When I’m depressed I eat, and when I eat I gain weight, which only makes me more depressed. If I step while I eat, it’s a wash.” Alex asks why she’s depressed, and Ashley says she’s homesick, but we as the viewers and Alex can tell that’s a lie. He recognizes that she’s got on an “I have just broken up with my boyfriend” face; when we combine this realization with what we know about Alex from past episodes, I have to say, I don’t know how conscious emotional intelligence was in the writing of male characters in the ‘90s, but I’m definitely here for it.

Ashley wants to know how Alex figured out why she’s upset, and he responds, “When you have three sisters, you learn how to tell two very important things: How to tell when a girl has a broken heart, and the answer is always, ‘No, you don’t look fat in that dress.’” Okay, there’s the ‘90s body image rhetoric. Hearing Alex say that does make Ashley giggle, though, so I suppose I can forgive it for the moment. And I was going to get mad about Alex stealing Ashley’s ice cream, but then he feeds her a scoop, which is kind of adorable. Then he puts her through the first paces of “Alex’s Three-Step Program to Cure a Broken Heart”: getting out your frustrations, whether on a punching bag (he may have to goad her into hitting hard, but it works) or throwing darts at the person’s picture (okay Alex, I see the way you’re helping Ashley throw and looking at her).

We cut to the fire-walking prep class and more of our teens are in it than I was expecting - Tamira, Max, Cassidy and Denise are all at the front of the pack. Sean and Jimmy show up right at the end, pretending they were looking for marshmallows and using that as their excuse for being late. The first four use the meditation techniques they learned to walk across the coals without any issues, but after making fun of the traditional ways, Sean and Jimmy immediately fail, and then to add insult to injury have to watch an older woman using a walker make her way over with no problems.

Later that night, back on the ship, Alex is gloating to Ashley about his exploits as football team quarterback. When she doesn’t get the sports references, he starts talking in shopping analogies, comparing his two-minute drive to a sale at Saks when there’s only one pair of beautiful high heels left and two people going for them (in this case, a game-winning touchdown is purchasing the shoes right as the store is closing). Ashley appreciates his efforts, both in his explanations and attempts to make her feel better about her breakup, and gives him a hug. Alex downplays his response, saying it’s all part of his program, and when Ashley asks what step three is, he leans in as if he’s about to kiss her (the audience is expecting it, I think she’s expecting it) but instead whispers in her ear, “I’ll tell you tomorrow.”

The next morning, Ashley is taking Tyler’s picture off her wall when Alex knocks at her door. Apparently step three is “experience new things,” so they head to the bustling Indian market, where they browse through stalls selling jewelry, colorful clothes and spicy snacks, and even try cricket and dance to sitar music.

Back on the ship, in the cafeteria, Sean snaps at a teen he thinks is laughing at him for failing to do the coal walk, and Max rightly calls him out for being paranoid. Sean responds with, “Why’d I find a copy of Of Mice and Men outside my bedroom door this morning? Is that some kind of slight on my manhood?” No, it’s just the next book they’re reading for English class; Max, Tamira, Cassidy and Denise all have copies too. Cassidy consoles Sean with, “We don’t think any less of you; we didn’t really think that much of you in the first place.” Basically, stop acting like the main character. That works for about a minute, until the chef (whose name we learn is Nigel) puts some chicken (get it) on Sean’s plate, and Sean’s only response is “Stop torturing me!”

That night, Jimmy dreams about getting married to a “fabulous babe” with Tony officiating, but the wedding is interrupted by the old woman who did the coal walk when Jimmy and Sean couldn’t. She tells Jimmy’s almost-wife about the incident, and instead of “I do” the young blonde says “I don’t, you coward,” and slaps him, and real-life Jimmy’s eyes snap open, waking him from the nightmare.

Alex drops Ashley back off at her room and notices the pictures of Tyler she hadn’t had the chance to take down yet. She gets a little sad about how happy they looked, and Alex says, “Nobody takes pictures of the bad times,” so highlight reels existed even before Instagram. They continue joking as they move closer together and this time really do almost kiss, but of course a phone rings, and who else could it be but Tyler (can’t blame her for picking up, as I am unsure if caller ID was a widespread thing yet). He begs for her to take him back, asks her to tell him she still loves him, which she does, and Alex leaves without a word.

The next day on the pool deck, Sean and Jimmy are yet again bemoaning their failure and its fallout. When Tony comes around the corner and says they’re leaving India that night so it’s now or never to get anything else done while they’re there, I think we know what’s coming next. And sure enough, this time, they take the prep class, chant the meditative phrase and succeed, with their friends cheering them on.

We cut to Alex bench pressing on the ship alone (I know you’re mopey, but come on, have someone spot you). To make matters worse, Ashley comes along and he has to pretend to be happy that she and Tyler are likely getting back together. She kisses him on the cheek as a thank-you for helping her through the past few days, even referencing a new inside joke, and darn it if his face isn’t saying EVERYTHING right now. After Ashley walks away, it’s Alex’s turn to hit the punching bag.

Sean and Jimmy pretend they’ve learned a lesson about missing out because of how competitive they are for about one second, until they’re razzing each other about how little they’re going to sleep because of how hyped the coal walk made them. These two are grating enough as it is; I don’t even want to think about what being sleep-deprived would do.

To end the episode, in the midst of telling Ashley about the second fire walk, Tamira realizes Ashley isn’t listening and starts saying the most ridiculous things she can think of - Jimmy turned into a snake and swallowed Sean whole, and Cassidy and Max stripped and went skinny dipping in piranha-infested waters. Her hypothesis is confirmed when Ashley responds with, “That’s nice,” but what she doesn’t hear as she leaves the room saying, “You’re off in Tyler-land; there are more important things in life than him,” Ashley says, “You might be right,” and we zoom in on a photo of her and Alex from their market day. (They’re clad in Punjabi clothing, so I do have to mention a line from earlier, where Ashley mentions that Tyler would never wear something like that; the only foreign thing he would get into is a sports car. What?!)

This Alex and Ashley storyline is EXACTLY the kind of cheese I want in my teeny bopper TV shows. Budding potential romance while exploring a new country? Repeat this plot point in every episode, sign me up, this is why I’m here. I know why the writers are dragging out what we know is coming, but come on, just give it to me.

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Welcome back to Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown! Today we recap the third episode of Breaker High: “Mayhem on the Orient Distress.”

The scene is set with a montage making it clear we’re in East Asia (given that the first episode was set in Japan, this makes sense), and we can officially put a pin in the map when Ashley complains about it being so crowded here in Hong Kong as she, Cassidy and Tamira walk through a market. The stereotypes just keep going from there: Ashley is wearing a qipao and carrying a parasol, Tamira is wearing a triangular (or conical) hat, and when they see an attractive Asian vendor about their age Cassidy quips “I’ll bet you can’t get him past customs,” and Ashley assumes that “Stud Li [get it, studly] here can’t understand a word I’m saying. If he did, he wouldn’t mind showing me what he’s hiding under that shirt of his.”

Ashley, however, is taken fully by surprise when the vendor responds, “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours,” because yes, he can in fact speak English, along with a few other languages. At least after Ashley hops on a rickshaw and leaves, he smiles and jokes back, “I’m Steve. That’s ancient Chinese for Steve.” Turns out his dad is American, and Steve likes the girls enough to then invite them to a nightclub. I probably would have had a different reaction to this scene had I watched it for the first time before I hit my thirties!

Back on the boat, Sean, Ashley and Jimmy catch Max attempting to sneak Chinese fireworks onboard. Max can tell Captain Dad is suspicious, so Sean offers to carry them in instead, but only if he’s allowed to keep some of the haul. Elsewhere, Denise and Alex find a live duck in a cage and learn that the ship’s chef bought it to cook later. Alex is unbothered, as we learn he grew up on a ranch so “everything [they] ate had a face,” but Denise begins to hatch an escape plan.

Sean and Jimmy pull off their best James Bond impression, sunglasses and all, and stash the fireworks in a metal trash can - this isn’t going to go badly for anyone. In the coffeehouse, Denise begs Alex to help her free the duck, and he agrees. Then Cassidy comes in and shuts down the place so that Tamira no longer has the excuse for not going to the club of having to work another hour (seems she’s part of a work-study program; in a previous episode she talked about fundraising to secure her spot on the ship, so her family is likely not the most well off). Even with that obstacle removed, Tamira is nervous about getting caught breaking curfew, kicked off the ship and sent back to Ohio. When appealing to Tamira’s nonexistent sense of adventure doesn’t work, Cassidy plays her last card - guilt - and says, “So you’re going to let me go all alone with a complete stranger in a totally strange city?” Seems she’s got her there.

On deck, Alex and Denise are trying to restrain the duck, but it escapes and flies into the pool. They run into Tamira and Cassidy, strike a “you didn’t see us, we didn’t see you” deal, and go their separate ways. What Tamira and Cassidy don’t realize is Ashley also spots them changing into their clubbing clothes - that “Gotcha,” sounds a little ominous. We then see the chef prepping his grill for the duck, and he has too many hot briquettes, so he tosses one into the very same trash can that has the fireworks in it. Hoo boy.

Cassidy and Tamira have made it to the nightclub! They find Steve and his friend Lee, and when Steve and Cassidy go to the dance floor, Tamira tells Lee he can bail, which he quickly takes her up on, leaving her alone. Suddenly, police rush into the club, and it’s a madhouse. Steve immediately runs away, but another kind person helps shepherd Tamira and Cassidy to safety.

Back on the ship, Sean and Jimmy come back for the fireworks, realize the trash can isn’t where they left it, and are now terrified of Max’s eventual reaction. Denise and Alex try to conceal the duck from Ashley, but they fail, too.

Turns out Cassidy, Tamira and their rescuer have been hiding in a dumpster. This scene has the absolute best line of the episode, possibly whole series so far: Tamira asks, “What happens if they nab you?” and gets “They put you in a small room and make you watch reruns of Saved by the Bell,” as a response. After the police leave the site, the girls make their escape.

Looks like the duck has flown the coop, too. And of course, it knocks the lid off the steadily smoking trash can.

Max comes to find Sean and Jimmy, and when he learns they don’t have the fireworks anymore, he’s about to start throwing punches when they hear the fireworks start to go off. They and everyone else make their way on deck - Denise and Alex are happy and the chef is sad to see the duck get away, and it turns out the fireworks are making a pretty cool display and not actually hurting anyone, so that worked out well. And it’s enough of a distraction to keep anyone but Ashley from noticing Cassidy and Tamira sneaking back onboard (she’s not going to turn them in but will make them do her laundry for the next week), but Tamira can’t help but spill all of the beans on everyone’s secrets when Captain Dad approaches her and hasn’t even accused them of anything yet. But they get off pretty light, with just a clean-up duty detention (can’t have a show without most of the main characters, after all).

Yeesh. And to think I was worried about secondhand embarrassment last episode - there was more this time around and instead of expecting it, it snuck up on me! Buckle in, folks; we may be in for a heck of a ride.

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Welcome back to Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown! To anyone who engaged with the first recap post and decided to come back for more, thank you. Today, as expected, we’ll be recapping the second episode of Breaker High: “Pranks for the Memories.”

Right off the bat, I have to say, I’m a little bit scared of this one, just based off the title alone, as secondhand embarrassment and I do not get along very well, and getting there from “pranks” is a pretty direct through line. *deep breath* Alright, let’s go.

The very first line, from the blonde girl who we learn is named Cassidy, is “Four straight days at sea.” I think I can see where the plot for the episode came from: After running out of other things to do while “trapped on the boat” as Jimmy replies, what else is left but to prank each other? Plus, we may get to know the students better in their “home environment” without any external distractions. Let’s see if I’m right.

The first prank is pretty innocent - student activities director Tony slipped a fake ice cube with a fly in the middle into Cassidy’s drink, and as she pulls it out with a horrified look on her face, he jumps out with a camera to take a photo, if only so that every photo in the yearbook wouldn’t be staged and posed. As he leaves, Jimmy boasts about how great a prankster he is while Cassidy pretends her water bottle fell (she absolutely knocks it over), and she uses that distraction to tie his shoes together, causing him to fall into the pool when he moves.

After we break for the theme song, we come back to Tamira practicing a conversation she hopes to have with Max, in which she gives him a cassette tape (!) of a friend’s band, for which she wrote one of the songs’ lyrics. While at first she pretends he responds with “You’re really cool, Tamira; want to be my girlfriend?”, self-doubt soon takes over. And then, of course, because she’s doing this in public, Max spies her and comes over to ask who she’s talking to. She does give him the tape, but in a much more awkward fashion than she probably hoped; he does say he’ll listen to it, though!

We then head to one of the girls’ bedrooms for a girls’ night in, complete with the four Ps: pajamas, pillows, popcorn, and prattling about boys. Cassidy starts out by drooling over Alex. We learn that the Black girl from last episode’s name is Denise (there’s actually another one in this scene as a background extra, so the casting directors are growing, they’re evolving), and she thinks Sean (baby Ryan Gosling, remember) is cute, but is immediately shot down so qualifies her statement with “in a retro lounge lizard kind of way” (somebody please trace how that statement has aged through Ryan Gosling’s filmography).

Also as we might expect, nobody is into Jimmy. Tamira asks what they think of Max, just to get some feelers out, and of course they love him, calling him “the bomb.” Cassidy compares him to Johnny Depp, Keanu Reeves, and Scott Wolf all rolled into one, and while Denise says “And about as hard to get,” Atlanta girl Ashley chimes in with “Maybe for you, but Ashley Dupree can have any man she wants.” Yes, she refers to herself in the third person, and yes, the look on Tamira’s face is heartbreaking.

Denise ups the stakes by betting that Ashley can’t get Max to ask her to that weekend’s Disco Fever dance; loser works in the cafeteria for a week. Tamira is confused, as she thought Ashley already had a boyfriend back home, and Ashley responds, “Who said anything about a boyfriend? I’m not going to keep Max, sugar; I’m just going to teach Denise here a little lesson.” Cassidy teases that if Ashley wins, she wants her to find out where Max’s other tattoo is (aside from the one on his right arm), and Tamira pretends to be amused but definitely still looks perturbed.

Cut to Jimmy entering his bedroom and doing a belly flop onto his bed, only to find out that balloons have been hidden under the covers, an eerily similar prank to the “whoopee sheet” one he described to Cassidy earlier. Looks like a prank war might be on! He retaliates, and then so does she by replacing his towel with a frilly nightgown while he’s in the shower. He gets her back in the classroom with a whoopee cushion that makes a cow noise, and at this point I just want to know where they’re getting all these supplies if they’re stuck onboard.

We cut to the coffeehouse lounge on the ship, where Tamira sits down with Sean and winds up spilling the whole Max/Ashley story to him, including the fact that she’s crushing on Max too? There has been no evidence thus far that they are close enough friends for a conversation like this, but alrighty then.

Cassidy comes to the cafeteria for lunch with Alex and Denise, and before she sits down examines the table, chair, tray, everything for potential pranking from Jimmy while the other two look at her like she’s nuts. There was apparently one place she didn’t check; her backpack lights on fire, and when it’s put out she gets soaked.

Sean comes in to Jimmy’s room to say hello, and Jimmy jumps out of the closet, picks him up and spins him around while cackling. He asks if Cassidy sent Sean, growing more paranoid by the second while I feel my secondhand embarrassment I mentioned starting to make its presence known, too.

Cassidy and Jimmy meet on the pool deck at night with no one else around, both in camo gear. Cassidy proposes that instead of continuing to prank each other, they should team up to bring chaos to the rest of the ship, and Jimmy loves the idea. Dun dun dun…

We cut to Sean finding Max and telling him all about Ashley and Denise’s bet, but apparently he is doing so because Ashley is already telling the whole school Max said yes, and Sean wants to know if it’s true. Max seems to know nothing about it, but is clearly forming a scheme in his head when Ashley comes to sit with him (Sean has given them their space at this point). It doesn’t start off well for Ashley - she says “I’m giving you a chance to get to know the marvel of nature that is me,” to which Max responds, “I’ll pass.” He does agree to go to the dance with her (perhaps a little half-heartedly, as he says “If you’ll stop talking, I’ll go,”), but he won’t pick her up from her room, he wants to meet her there. And then he laughs to himself as she leaves, so I suppose we’ll find out what the grand master plan is.

Cassidy and Jimmy put their school-wide pranking into effect! When Ashley is primping for the dance, instead of hairspray she winds up using spray starch, which keeps her hair stuck in a giant bouffant. As Denise blow-dries her hair, it gets covered in a white powdery substance. And as Alex takes a shower, the water turns blue and starts dyeing his entire body, including his face. Of course, they all know who’s responsible, and Alex and Denise come to confront the duo (and obviously Tony is there to capture the images).

Once Ashley has fixed her hair, Tamira joins her in her room to watch her finish getting ready. Tamira fishes a little, asking if once Ashley wins the bet she’ll spend the night dancing with other guys, and is let down when Ashley says she plans to enjoy her catch before throwing him back, to the name of two dances, some punch, and a stroll on deck for some “fresh air.” Tamira very much does not like the idea of them getting some private time, made even worse by Ashley telling her not to wait up as she plans to be very late.

Jimmy’s blazer and Cassidy’s toothpaste are both tampered with in the evening, but we don’t know by whom, as we can only see black gloves.

Tamira is standing on the ship’s deck at nighttime, staring off at the ocean when Max comes up to her holding the cassette she gave him, startling her and saying, “These guys aren’t bad” and even complimenting the lyrics she wrote. Wait a minute, something’s off here. “Aren’t you supposed to be at the dance with Ashley?” Tamira asks, to which Max smiles and responds, “Yeah, supposed to be.”

We cut to the dance and see Ashley making her way through the crowd of students, obviously looking for Max. Jimmy shows up in a shrunken blazer and Sean’s suit is a spectacle to behold (the ruffles on his shirt! I cannot.). Cassidy starts making fun of Jimmy only to reveal her green-dyed teeth, which the entire student body takes notice of and obviously laughs at, to her mortification. Denise and Alex out themselves as the new pranksters (Alex is still blue, having either embraced it or just not had enough time to actually get clean). And of course, Tony is there to take a picture - Afro wig, magenta silk shirt and all.

Back to Max and Tamira, who are still on deck, and she’s showing him the constellations and planets. They see a shooting star and, wouldn’t you know it, get a little flirty.

The next day, Ashley is serving lunch in the cafeteria (given that Max never showed up to the dance), and Max is next up in line. He tells her to leave him out of her bets next time, and all she can do is glare. Denise follows and naturally milks her win for all it’s worth, even giving Ashley a hair net, which Tony then photographs.

Okay, so I needn’t have worried about the secondhand embarrassment of it all; these pranks were a lot tamer than I was expecting. I do feel a little bad for Ashley after Max stood her up entirely, but also understand why he didn’t want to be a prop in her game. Let’s see how long it takes for Tamira to get up the courage to take a step forward with Max, or if they’re stuck in this will-they-won’t-they pattern. I’m also excited for the students to get off the boat - I like the show better when they’re exploring new places.

So, don’t change that channel! We’ll be right back on Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown.

Welcome back to Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown, debuting our first official recap post on this lovely #throwbackthursday! What I said in the intro edition about not knowing how many episodes I’d talk about per post? Yeah, it’s going to be one at a time, if only because watching TV takes longer when you’re writing notes, the text version of this post is already long, and so the audio version of this is bearable (and this is all just for a half hour TV show). So today, we’ll be recapping the first episode of Breaker High: “Sun Ahso Rises” (get ready for a lot of episode title puns).

We start out with an overhead shot of a cruise ship, then zoom in to teenagers flirting in the pool and sunning themselves on deck - this is the life. So far everyone on screen is very white; we are in the late ‘90s after all.

Tony, the “student activities counselor” (aka cruise director), is sassy and I love him. To start the show he’s berating a teen named Max for not ranking his preferred off-ship cultural activities for their stop in Japan in time. This interaction plus Max’s sunglasses and his reaction to the girl who comes up to him after Tony leaves are all clearly meant to show that Max is sulking and does not want to be here.

Theme song time! In typical ‘90s fashion, all the actors pose with graphics of their names as an upbeat tune plays. It looks like aside from the people who live in the countries the teens are visiting, there is one Black girl (and one boy of unclear ethnicity) playing an actual, lines-having, words-speaking student of color. I’ll be interested to see how these demographic choices unfold throughout the season.

Fade in to a group of girls excited to visit a spa as their off-ship cultural activity. The red-haired one is ostensibly from Atlanta (though you can tell from her put-upon accent that the actress who plays her is not). A trio of boys joins them, talking about their upcoming excursion on a fishing trip, and here’s baby Ryan Gosling! Can’t say I was expecting his first lines to be about eating sushi and sashimi.

Then they all start teasing each other, and I can’t stop staring at the hair. And the girls making “tsss” noises and touching their index fingers together after a “burn”! The cultural hallmarks of the era are absolutely overwhelming.

We don’t learn any of the names of any of the students in the previous scene, and instead cut straight to Max jamming flowers in a vase to get ready for his excursion to a Japanese tea house, being reprimanded yet again by the same girl as before for not listening to instructions (still don’t know her name; in fact the only student’s name we know at this point is Max’s), and responding to her with a very healthy amount of sarcasm. But then he confesses that he’s only on the ship to keep him away from the “bad crowd” at his old school when he was living with his mom and is still upset about it (I can think of worse school settings than a cruise around the world but okay).

There is a sweet moment when Max makes sure to let the girl know that she’s not included in the group of people on the ship he doesn’t like, but immediately after that we’re supposed to feel bad for him because he doesn’t want anyone to see him arranging flowers, for masculinity reasons or whatever, and 2025 me is not buying that, but I digress. Anyway, of course, Tony then sneaks up on them and snaps a picture, which makes Max leave in a huff.

Next scene, we are finally off the ship and in actual Japan! This is supposed to be the spa excursion, but the very obvious monks are giving the girls burlap robes to change into. Welp, this may not be what they were expecting. At least one of the girls is excited - if Southern girl Ashley’s (hey, we got a name!) stereotype is “materialistic girly girl,” the Black girl’s is “smart but pretty nerd,” confirmed by her Scully-from-X-Files reference and actual excitement to be at a Buddhist monastery (so it’s actually not her who wonders if the retreat house TVs would show Moesha but the blonde Cher from Clueless clone, which I will take as refreshing).

Time to see what the trio of boys are up to. We learn that their names are Sean (Ryan Gosling’s character), Jimmy and Alex (same order as the photo further above, if you’re reading the newsletter/show notes), and Jimmy especially is perhaps not the sharpest tool in the shed (he ate several of the Swiss chocolates from the box meant as a host gift and insults their host’s father, so it’s definitely going to take both Sean and Alex to attempt to keep him in line). They don’t get to go fishing, as something came up, but they do get a party thrown in their honor.

Back on the ship, Max is in his room, sullenly playing his guitar after apparently walking out of the tea ceremony. He gets another talking-to by a man in a captain’s uniform who from previous conversations I think we are meant to assume is his dad, and their relationship is shown to be pretty tense - probably a mix of teenage angst (“parents just don’t understand”) and legitimate “Max is taking some time to adjust to his new living situation.”

The next morning, the girls are woken up early at the monastery and given a list of chores to do. They take comfort in their assumption that the boys are miserable too, when in fact the boys get woken up with breakfast in bed. While the girls dig through the mud, the boys get massages; while the girls snip bonsai trees with no A/C, the boys are in a sauna; while the girls carry vats of water, the boys order more virgin mai tais. The girls are unhappy with the traditional food they’re given, and even less thrilled when told no one will be speaking aloud for the next 24 hours.

On the ship again, the one girl Max talks to asks if he’ll be coming back to the teahouse, and when he indicates he won’t, she gets pretty fiery in response, which I have to say I love and it seems Max does too. Let’s hope he changes his mind about bailing.

Next up, another set of scenes showing the difference between the trios’ experiences: The girls can’t even “talk” with facial expressions, and the boys are in the middle of a game of Twister. The boys then decide to take samurai swords off the wall to play Star Wars as Luke and Darth Vader (apparently Sean is always left to play Leia and complains about it, so they clearly don’t understand how badass she is), and though they rip one of the Japanese paper door panels, the host doesn’t care and just wants to be the one to play Luke in the sword-lightsaber fight??!! The girls aren’t doing as well; they wind up getting in a food fight, angering a monk enough to lecture them and banish them from the monastery (they receive no on-screen consequences other than that, though).

The big moment is here, and Max shows up to the tea ceremony after all! And no masculinity was lost along the way! If this is the kind of lesson learned at the end of each half-hour, I’m ready to see where the rest of the show goes, figuratively and literally. AND, as an culminating bonus, we finally learn the name of the girl who talks to Max: Tamira. Do we sense a spark?

The episode ends a little abruptly, with Sean, Jimmy and Alex crowing about how much fun they had and the trio of girls masking their annoyance, but it’s time to set sail for the ship’s next destination. I don’t know if I have any additional concluding thoughts yet; we’ll have to see how the rest of the episodes play out. So, don’t change that channel! We’ll be right back on Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown.

(New) Beginnings Are Hard.

Welcome to Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown! Like everyone else needing a funemployment project, I’m starting a Substack. As a person I need lines to color-by-number inside, so instead of choosing topics on a whim (at least to start; I reserve the right to add self-inserts, hence the URL with my name instead of the project title), I’m going to make public what I would have come up with myself anyway, which are *THOUGHTS* on teeny bopper (read: presumably cheesy, mostly ‘90s and 2000s) TV shows that I haven’t had the chance to watch yet (several because while I’m Canadian, as are many of the shows I want to feature, I grew up and currently live in the U.S.; others because I was too young or “too old” when they aired) and now have more time to binge. You can find said thoughts in text form via e-newsletter, or listen to the audio version wherever you get your podcasts.

Another recap platform?

I know, I know, there are a million and one of these, some even hosted by the programs’ stars. But much as I love them, I won’t be deep-diving into your typical One Tree Hill, The O.C., Dawson’s Creek, or even Degrassi (or its many spinoffs). I’ll be niche-ing down even further, to “Aww I forgot about that!” or maybe even new-to-you shows (at least for the nostalgia-era recaps; if there’s a buzzed-about new release that I want to watch, it will likely make its way here).

Who’s going to want this?

Honestly, like I said before, part of me is doing this just for me. So if it stays that way, that’s all right. But if anyone else wants to come along for the ride, jump on in, the water’s fine (the more the merrier!). At least for now, because this is beginning as a for-fun-and-sanity project and not a keep-a-roof-over-my-head plan, the intent is that Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown-specific content will remain free (if any future addendums get extra personal, I may make those paid); paid subscriptions are, for the most part, just a way to support me if you are so inclined.

What’s up first, and when do we start?

It seems appropriate to start out Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown with Breaker High! Breaker High is a one-season show from 1997 about high schoolers doing what’s essentially a Semester at Sea program (something I theoretically would have loved; realistically I’m not so sure). Plus, it stars a young Ryan Gosling. Perfect for getting our feet wet, wouldn’t you say?

Whether the next issue covers one episode, a few, or the whole shebang is yet to be determined, and may change by show. Regardless, since this project’s initials are TBTB, it only makes sense for the first (real) edition to come out on #throwbackthursday. So don’t change that channel! We’ll be right back on Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown.