Welcome back to Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown! Today we recap Breaker High, episode 35, “Don’t Go Breakin’ My Art (Part Two).”

We pick up where we left off, with Max at Grand Central Station. He fell asleep waiting for the train, and while he was snoozing, someone stole his duffel bag with everything he owned in it. He may be heading back to the ship with his tail between his legs.

After the theme song, in the coffeehouse, Tony shares that a friend of his is opening a new modern art exhibit at his gallery in Soho, and Tamira can’t wait to go. Sean is less excited, but can’t tell Tamira that.

Captain Ballard tells Alex and Cassidy that the police are out looking for Max, but they don’t have much to go on. The captain clearly doesn’t know all of the friendship developments as he muses about how he could have seen Max pulling a stunt like this earlier but thought he’d been coming around, as Max had even gotten Yankees tickets for him and his dad. Alex and Cassidy look guilty but don’t say anything until the captain starts blaming himself for being too hard on his son. Even then, though they tell the captain it’s not his fault, they don’t really explain further. The captain thanks Cassidy and Alex for being such good friends to Max, which probably just makes them feel worse.

Turns out the thief didn’t steal Max’s guitar, so in order to get himself some cash, Max sells the instrument to a pawn shop across the street from the transit station. On the ship, in Alex’s cabin, Cassidy finds a bus schedule on Max’s old bed with all the Portland routes highlighted, so she figures out he’s trying to get to his mom’s, and off she runs, Alex right behind her. They get to the station right as the bus is boarding, but Max does not want to go back to the ship with them. Then Cassidy confesses she loves him….and then says, “And so does Alex,” and we can see Max’s face change. Alex says precisely the wrong thing, telling Max he can’t run away from his problems, which is what convinces Max to board the bus and do just that.

In a back room at the art gallery, Jimmy accidentally spills shrimp cocktail sauce on a blank canvas, and trying to clean it up just spreads it around. He slips and falls on some open paint tubes and inadvertently adds more color to the accidental artwork (as well as his all-black outfit), then realizes what he’s created and starts fingerpainting with purpose. A gallery attendee comes in and mistakes him for the artist whose work is in the rest of the exhibit, and Jimmy goes along with it.

We cut to the bus, where Max’s elderly male seatmate is sleeping on his shoulder, and a stop in New Jersey is called. Judging by the look on Max’s face, he’s got a decision to make.

Ashley’s dad gave her purchasing power to buy artwork for his Atlanta gallery, and though the New York gallery owner told her it was all sold, she’s a girl on a mission, so he finally agrees to check the studio in the back. When he comes back, he starts trying to explain to Ashley that it may not be what she thinks, but when she stops him and says, “Wrap it up, I’ll take it,” of course that’s what he’s going to do. Elsewhere, Sean confesses to the same gallery attendee that mistook Jimmy for an artist that he in fact hates modern art, and who else could overhear but Tamira, who is understandably upset at him for essentially lying to her.

Back on the ship, Cassidy says to Alex, “Man, it’s going to suck letting the captain know that Max has gone home. When you tell him, try and be gentle?” Alex catches on to her right away: “When I tell him?! Yeah, right, you’re going to tell him.” Cassidy starts to argue, until Max interrupts and says, “Neither of you are going to have to tell him.” Cassidy gives him a delighted hug, which he returns; Alex offers, and Max says “Not a chance.” Max does admit, though, that he thought about what they said and they were right. He heads off to talk to his dad, knowing he’s going to get his butt kicked, but he’s still hand in hand with Cassidy. The captain is more understanding that I expected, given that he takes Max back to the pawn shop to buy back his guitar.

In the coffeehouse, Sean apologizes to Tamira, saying he just wanted them to have something in common, and while art may not move him the way it does her, he bought her a print anyway because she loves it. Ashley unveils the painting she bought sight unseen, and Tamira’s art knowledge comes in handy here when she can reveal it’s not the masterpiece of a well-known artist after all. Jimmy comes in and recognizes it as his, and Ashley is mortified.

In Max’s cabin, he’s sitting on his bed while Cassidy strums his guitar. He asks her about what she said back at the station, and while she tries to play dumb at first, he lets her know he’s serious when he says, “For what it’s worth, me too.” They smile and kiss, and we may actually have a happily ever after on our hands.

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Welcome back to Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown! Today we recap Breaker High, episode 34, “Six Degrees of Humiliation (Part One).” On one hand: ooh, a two-parter! On the other: my secondhand embarrassment already has its guard up. With only ten episodes to go until the series’ end, suppose it’s about time for a doozy.

We start with a “Previously on Breaker High” segment! It basically shows the timeline of Max and Cassidy’s relationship breakdown and the potential of Alex and Cassidy starting something. What it does not show is Alex breaking things off before they could begin and going back to Ashley…

Now that they’re docked in New York, Tony has plans to take all the students to a Broadway show! But he seems to be the only one excited about this particular musical: it’s an adaptation of CHiPs, a 1970s TV cop show. Tamira comes on deck with a giant backpack containing pepper spray, a crystal that can double as a weapon, and all sorts of other protective gear - again with this show leaning into its favorite stereotypes, this time the “I come from Ohio, big city New York is scary.” Sean tries to act all macho and say he’ll protect her - nice theory, maybe less reality.

Alex comes into his cabin to find Max sullenly playing his guitar. Alex passes along a message from Ms. Mitchell that the bus to the Guggenheim museum leaves in five minutes, but loner Max is back and says he’s not going. He bitterly asks Alex if his staying on the boat ruins some sort of plans Alex has with Cassidy; visibly frustrated, Alex says, “Look, I told you, it was one time, it was a mistake, and we’re both sorry.” Max doesn’t believe him and sarcastically wishes Alex good luck with Cassidy, as he’ll need it. Alex reminds Max he’s back with Ashley now and if anything happened with Cassidy, Ashley would kill him. Max doesn’t respond verbally but does push Alex against the door. Ever the wise one, Alex says, “I know you have your pride, man, but if you keep acting like this that’s all you’re going to have.” Max pushes past him and leaves the room without a word.

In a quick conversation on deck, Denise shares with Jimmy that she’s meeting up with her parents for lunch, given that they live in New York. Jimmy tries to invite himself along; Denise tries to shut that down but we’ll see if he actually picked up on it.

In the taxi on the way to the Broadway show, Sean tries to show off his nonexistent NYC knowledge to Tamira (and Ashley and Tony). Thank you, cab driver, for correcting him at every turn, and serves him right when he leans his head out the car window and immediately gets hit with pigeon poop.

Denise’s parents actually meet her at the boat. Of course, Jimmy shows Denise’s dad where the bathroom is, which means he’s invited to lunch, and Denise is horrified.

Perfectly emo Max is standing on deck looking at the water in a black leather jacket and black turtleneck when Cassidy comes up to him, his opposite in a neon shirt and flowery belt. She essentially pours her heart out to him, saying the kiss with Alex meant nothing and she misses him. She asks, “Don’t you miss me? One kiss says you do.” While they do kiss, afterward Max says, “I do miss you, Cass, I just think we’re really different.” He can’t let go of the Alex kiss, which means Cassidy is once again back to not wanting anything to do with him.

Ashley makes the cab stop at Bergdorf Goodman - at first just for an eyeliner pencil, but of course the crew comes staggering out with dozens of packages. This extended shopping trip means they’ve already missed the first half of the musical, and the packages take up so much room that Sean is accidentally left behind.

Cassidy stomps into the coffeehouse and sits down with Alex. He asks if she and Max have patched things up yet, to which she replies, “I tried, but he’s so stubborn.” Alex tries to tell her he’ll get over it, but in the next scene we see Max with a giant duffle bag presumably containing all of his belongings, and he says, “I’m out of here.”

At lunch, Denise begs Jimmy not to embarrass her, and the stakes get even higher when her parents bring a dean from Harvard (Denise’s dream school) over to their table. When Jimmy stands to greet him, he knocks into a waiter who drops his tray of glassware - not a great start. And then while Denise is sharing about the cultural opportunities they’ve had through Breaker High, Jimmy cuts in with details she probably didn’t want shared. But to her surprise, the dean recognizes that while academics are to be valued, sometimes the most educational experiences happen in the most unlikely of places with a wide variety of people.

Seems while running to catch up with the cab, Sean fell into an open manhole. We don’t see that part, just the aftermath when he’s scrunched in the middle seat holding Ashley’s packages and the cab driver is scolding him for causing a traffic jam. They’ve missed the entire musical at this point, but the lead actor supposedly signs autographs at the stage door, so Tony is at least hoping to catch that. Of course this is when Sean realizes he doesn’t have his wallet; it must have fallen out back in the sewer, so he wants to go back and get it. They tussle and the cab driver leaves the car out of frustration, which means Tamira is now driving?! They’ve somehow made it up near the theatre, and catch the lead actor trying to hide from the autograph seekers at the stage door; Tamira doesn’t believe he is who he says he is, so while Tony is thisclose to getting face time with his idol, he’s out of luck yet again.

Back on the boat, Sean is glum that he didn’t “take over Manhattan” like he’d hoped. Tamira reassures him that she only felt safe because he was there, but let’s be real, she would’ve been just fine either way.

The Guggenheim group gets back, and when Max isn’t with them, now Alex and Cassidy are actually concerned. Alex checks his cabin, and all of Max’s things are gone. The next and last scene is at Grand Central Station, where Max is buying a one-way ticket to Portland, Oregon. That’s going to be a long train trip, buddy.

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Welcome back to Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown! Today we recap Breaker High, episode 33, “New Kids on the Deck.”

The ship is pulling into New York City, Denise’s hometown! Sean tries to show off his NYC knowledge to Tamira but has his mental map very mixed up, which of course Denise immediately points out (she’s right, the only way you could get from the Bronx Zoo to the Brooklyn Bridge AND stroll down Wall Street before lunch is probably by teleporting). They see Cassidy come up to Max and touch his arm; the teens don’t speak but both look very upset as Max shakes his head and Cassidy rushes off. Sean apparently didn’t know that Max caught Cassidy and Alex kissing, and goes off to Tamira about how her gender has no honor (she tries to protest, he doesn’t listen) and how he’d go insane with jealousy if his girlfriend kissed another guy, but he doesn’t have to worry about that with Tamira (well, she’s never going to purposefully tell him what happened last episode).

Tamira muses to Sean that she never thought Max and Cassidy would break up; in fact, she envisioned them (in much too specific detail) having a long and happy life together. Sean counters that he never thought they, nor himself and Tamira for that matter, would even get together in the first place, then starts reminiscing about the group’s first day on the ship. And with that, we officially have a flashback episode!

Breaker High originally set sail from Los Angeles. The first person we recognize coming on board is Ashley, and true to form, as she’s talking on the world’s earliest cell phone to Tyler, she thinks Nigel is a bellboy and asks him to bring her luggage from the parking lot, where it’s divided between a blue Mercedes, red Range Rover and green Lexus. Jimmy is next, arriving with his parents; though Tony mentions that orientation is for students only, Jimmy’s mother doesn’t seem to care. Tamira is oversharing to a fully stereotypically nerdy Denise, who had only asked where the library is. Cassidy and Alex bond over both being jocks, though Alex is currently in a walking boot while Cassidy is bringing a bunch of sports equipment on board.

Ms. Mitchell brings Tamira to her and Ashley’s cabin - as you might have suspected, Ashley has already turned most of the room into a giant closet, as she had thought she had the whole thing to herself. Tamira makes a half-hearted joke about sleeping out in the hall and Ashley takes her seriously, and then on deck Sean flirts with every girl but her, making her feel even more invisible, so she ends her first day on the phone with her mom in tears, though she pretends she’s having a great time.

In their cabin, Cassidy and Denise are trying to find something they have in common and are proving very unsuccessful, until they remember one thing: boys! They look through the Breaker High directory to find the cute ones with good personalities, and are glad to find out their types are very different so won’t be competing over the same guys. Cassidy is already intrigued by Max, who doesn’t have a photo but does share in his bio that he loves all sorts of extreme sports, same as Cassidy.

Back in the present, all the students are on deck gasping at the Statue of Liberty, when Captain Ballard comes over the intercom saying he’s just learned some of them may have been exposed to the Hepatitis A virus in their last port, so everyone is confined to the ship until further details become available. A scene later, apparently doctors’ orders are that everyone needs to get a Hep A shot, and Tamira is freaking out because she hates needles. Sean calms her down, and Jimmy starts reminiscing about their Welcome to Breaker High barbeque:

With a game of volleyball in the background and Nigel at the grill, Jimmy is acting as a yarn winder for his mom while Ms. Mitchell tells Captain Ballard that Max still hasn’t arrived, though all the other students are present and accounted for. The captain hopes this isn’t a preview of what Max’s whole experience on the ship will be like. Cassidy is tapping literally every guy’s shoulder asking if he’s Max; Sean pretends to be, but Cassidy doesn’t believe him for a second.

When the group starts doing formal introductions, Tamira is the only one wearing the “orientation beanie” Tony handed out earlier. She says the thing she’d most like to do during her Breaker High year is find her soulmate; Ashley makes a disparaging quip, and everyone else laughs. Later, Ashley and Alex actually start to have a nice conversation when Tyler calls; as Ashley’s tone shifts, Alex mutters, “Glad I’m not her boyfriend.”

Max finally shows up in the evening. As soon as he gets on board, his dad finds him and says, “You’re late.” Max retorts, “Nice to see you, too, Dad,” and the captain’s attempt to soften his phrasing with, “I was worried about you,” doesn’t really help. Captain Ballard wants Max to try and see the bright side of his situation, but that’s hard when Max feels like he’s been banished just to make his mom’s life easier. When Cassidy sees him, she’s instantly smitten. But when she tries to talk to him, he brushes her off by saying his dad wrote his directory bio. Does that matter to Cassidy? Not one bit - hard to get is her specialty.

Sean is pleasantly surprised with how much Jimmy changes once his parents leave the boat - voice, personality, clothes, everything. In perhaps a surprisingly self-aware moment, Sean says, “Let’s go annoy people!” - if that’s not their tagline for the rest of their year I don’t know what is.

Tamira is sitting on deck with Denise and Cassidy, and when Max walks by gushes about how he’s the cutest guy she’s ever seen. Ashley, who’s nearby, once again insults her, but this time Cassidy comes to Tamira’s defense. And when Ashley calls the three of them riffraff, they push her into the pool, ruining her tiara and her phone.

In the present, Sean and Tamira are laughing about the story; Ashley asks what’s so funny, and they realize it’s definitely not something they should remind her of. Tony then shares that the Hep A case was an isolated one and the students weren’t exposed, so everyone runs to disembark and explore New York. Cassidy stops for a moment to enjoy the view (which includes the Twin Towers - watching this show now knowing it aired about three years before 9/11 is very strange), and when she says to herself, “It’s beautiful,” Max steps in and says, “Yeah, it really is,” - is he talking about the view or her?! But of course Tamira and Sean run through the space between them, ruining the moment, and Max starts to walk away as Cassidy watches him go.

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Welcome back to Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown! Today we recap Breaker High, episode 32, “Regret Me Nots.”

We pick up almost right where last episode left off. Alex and Cassidy play basketball on deck, and as you might imagine things start to get a little physical. They have yet another moment that looks like it might be leading to something when the school bell rings.

After the theme song, Tamira and Sean have the coffeehouse to themselves and are dancing to a jazz record. Either this show is where the La La Land team first found out about Ryan Gosling’s moves, or he wanted to revisit this era of his life, and either way I love it. Tamira’s even a redhead like Emma Stone!

Sean is a bit of an antsy boyfriend, though. He gives Tamira a magnet for their 5-day anniversary, and once they get to New York he wants to buy a whole new wardrobe and get her even more presents so she stays interested. I thought he’d realized he didn’t have to be this insecure with her but I suppose not. Though she does love the roses he somehow found for her, thanks to Jimmy’s advice based on an old Gilligan’s Island episode.

Sean isn’t the only one Jimmy gives Gilligan’s Island-based advice to. Ashley wants Alex back, but when they talk in person they just wind up fighting, so Jimmy advises her to write him a note on a typewriter (so he doesn’t recognize her handwriting). Guess neither of them are aware of the potential Alex/Cassidy developments…

Ashley deposits the note on Alex’s classroom desk without him noticing, then moves to a seat a few rows away. Alex doesn’t see the notice until Cassidy sits down next to him, so of course he gets the wrong idea of who it’s from.

In Ashley and Tamira’s cabin that night, when there’s a knock on the door, Ashley is sure it’s Alex coming to find her, but it’s Sean coming to escort Tamira to the coffeehouse for her shift. He gives Tamira yet another gift; when she tries to tell him he doesn’t need to give her a present every time he sees her, Ashley says, “Uh, yeah, you do,” - not every girl is Ashley, Sean!

Cassidy is chattering on about all the touristy things she wants to do in New York that Max would never be up for when, thinking about the note, Alex grabs her face in his hands and kisses her. Cassidy shouts, “Whoa, hold on!” and Alex starts to apologize, but she only wants to throw her gum into the ocean before she reciprocates. And who should come up on deck and find them but Max?

After closing up the coffeehouse, Tamira finds Max sitting on deck by himself. When she asks what’s wrong, he spills what he saw, and she tries to comfort him, but apparently she does it in a way that makes him think it’s okay to kiss her - does he not know about her and Sean?! And then instead of stopping, she kisses him back?!

The next morning, Tamira is telling Ashley about how the night before was better than the sweetest dream when Sean swings by to take her to breakfast and we can see on her face that she’s crashing back to reality. She tries to fake sick to get him to go away; he wants to try and help but eventually gives up. Once he leaves, Tamira asks herself, “What have I done?” and determines she needs to go find Max. Max wakes up on deck, not having wanted to go back to the cabin he shares with Alex, and Tamira does in fact come looking for him right as he’s scampered away.

In the cafeteria, Ashley looks quizzically at Cassidy and Alex sitting together. Alex runs into Max as he gets up to get more breakfast, and asks where he was the night before since he didn’t come home. Max tells Alex he slept on the deck and is otherwise angry, so Alex can tell he knows about him and Cassidy. Cassidy doesn’t care, so Alex tries to agree, but we can tell he has some misgivings.

In the classroom, we get a little insight into all the students’ minds. Tamira is conflicted over having found the perfect guy and then cheating on him with another, yet they’re total opposites. Ashley wonders what Alex could possibly see in Cassidy - “she’s all teeth and no brains.” Cassidy swears she’s over Max but wonders where he is. Alex berates himself for making out with his roommate’s girlfriend while she still has a thing for him. And Sean just thinks Tamira is an angel, while Jimmy makes faces at the class iguana.

Later, Sean finds Tamira in the coffeehouse, where he notes she’s moving quickly for a sick person, and he tries to give her a mixtape of their favorite dance songs. She says she can’t accept it because she doesn’t deserve it; he takes that to mean she thinks she deserves more and says it’s the best he can do, even though we all know she meant the opposite. Instead of telling him the truth right there and then, she just sits there looking like she’s about to cry and lets him leave.

Cassidy finds Alex on deck and, while she jokes, “You’re not about to pull a Max on me, are you?”, he does in fact say they made a big mistake the night before, having both betrayed Max. While Cassidy protests she’s not Max’s girlfriend anymore, Alex realizes that their kiss wasn’t about Alex, it was about Max. It’s exactly what he did to Ashley when things got tough - he jumped into a fling with somebody else. Plus, the way Cassidy looks at Max is the way Alex looks at Ashley, so he just doesn’t want her to make the same mistake he did.

In the coffeehouse, Tamira has evidently shared her situation with Denise. Denise is about to share some advice when Jimmy walks up, trying to continue his role as the “advice guy.” Given his best friendship with Sean, there’s no way Tamira and Denise want to include him in this discussion for real, but Tamira turns it into a hypothetical. From Tamira’s perspective, she knows the guy she has is head over heels for her and is unsure of the other guy, but she has to make her decision based on her feelings, not theirs. Denise is convinced that the feelings have to be returned, otherwise it’s nothing more than a fantasy. As for Jimmy, his advice is to just flip a coin. If it comes up heads and she’s happy, that’s the guy she wants, but if she’s upset, then it’s the other guy. He may actually have a point.

Ashley is in bed looking at a picture of her and Alex when she hears a knock and, assuming she knows who it is, says, “Go away Sean, Tamira’s not here.” But this time, it actually is Alex who opens the door. She acts mad over what happened between Alex and Cassidy, but makes it clear all she knows about was the flirting at breakfast, not the kiss. And it was all right after she poured her heart out in the note; we see the gears in Alex’s brain turning as he finds out she wrote it.

Holding a coin, Tamira dances by herself to a jazz record in the coffeehouse, when Sean asks if he can cut in, and Tamira smiles and says sure. Sean admits he thought he was losing her and that he might have blown it, to which Tamira replies, “I’m the one who almost blew it,” and kisses him, just for being himself. Max walks past and sees them dancing - I think he knows where he stands now.

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Welcome back to Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown! Today we recap Breaker High, episode 31, “Jimmy Behaving Badly.” If some of what we’ve seen up to this point isn’t considered him “behaving badly,” I’m a little scared.

We start the episode with Jimmy watching Sean and Tamira play checkers. As they finish the game, Sean and Tamira try to sneak off for some alone time, but are unable to - Jimmy is clearly not ready to lose Sean and is third-wheeling for dear life.

Ms. Mitchell’s class is learning about whales, and she assigns Max, Cassidy and Alex to present about them as a group. Apparently Max and Cassidy haven’t spoken since they left Canada (lingering resentments from the hockey game perhaps?). Yup, Cassidy confirms later that she’s still mad about the power trip he pulled as captain, so it’s on Max to apologize - again. One, this should be fun, and two, poor Alex.

Tamira has set up a picnic for her and Sean on deck, and for once Jimmy is nowhere to be found! Seems Sean distracted him with food in the coffeehouse and was then able to escape himself. Of course Jimmy shows up right as they’re about to kiss, though, and steals Sean’s sandwich on top of it. As soon as Jimmy leaves to grab some more condiments, the school bell rings, so there goes that quality time. Sean apparently has a plan for that night, though - we’ll see how it works out.

We fade in on someone fiddling with a rose - it’s easy to assume it’s Sean, but turns out it’s Max, and then Cassidy walks into his room. He’s hidden the rose in his desk drawer, so when she asks what he wanted to talk to her about, he makes a flimsy excuse about needing help getting said drawer open. She doesn’t believe him and turns to leave, so he goads her by saying she’s probably not strong enough to open it, and as predicted, Cassidy comes back, yanks it open, finds the bloom, and accepts Max’s apology.

Tamira and Sean are holed up in the A/V room, and we can see Jimmy peering in through the window. Sean had turned the “On Air” intercom off before kissing Tamira, but while they’re making out, Jimmy sneaks in and turns it back on, so the entire ship overhears their date. The friend group all come and make kissy faces at the A/V window, and Sean and Tamira’s faces are bright red.

Alex comes in to his and Max’s cabin and congratulates Max on the rose tactic. When Max asks how he found out, Alex says Cassidy told him, just like she told him about how when Max’s parents split up, Max begged his dad to stay. Looks like Max may be having a talk with Cassidy about oversharing.

It’s a night of hard conversations: Sean has to truly drill it into Jimmy’s head that Jimmy needs to leave Sean and Tamira alone sometimes, and yup, Max confronts Cassidy about sharing their private discussions. He feels she’s totally betrayed his trust, and when she tries to tell him it won’t happen again, he says, “You’re right, it won’t,” and walks off - are they broken up now?

Everyone on-ship is making fun of Tamira after they heard Sean call her “Tammy-bunny” over the intercom. She’s mad at Jimmy, but apparently not mad enough to see Sean’s side of things and exclude Jimmy from their “alone together” time yet. Tamira, I know you feel bad for Jimmy, but really? She soon sees the error of her ways, as Jimmy won’t stop commentating their “golf outing” and eventually starts spitting food at them, which is finally what sets Tamira off. Will Jimmy care about being called a steamroller though? Unsure.

Alex remembers Cassidy’s coffee order without her having to tell him, and this plus the fact that he’s generally level-headed and doesn’t fly off the handle (aka the opposite of Max) has her thinking some kind of way about him. Alex doesn’t know what to do with this information (Cassidy may not say anything directly but definitely has a look on her face as she scoots closer to him), so steers the conversation to a “let’s just get our presentation done.”

Tamira finds Jimmy as he’s playing checkers by himself, and she’s the one to apologize first for getting mad at him? At least he admits he deserved it; yes, he was “being himself,” Tamira, but those were some pretty glaring social cues he missed, and even now he can’t seem to differentiate between “changes in relationship” and “not friends at all anymore.” Jimmy thinks Tamira has taken his place as Sean’s best friend, and Tamira has to reassure him she wouldn’t do that, and that there’s a time and place for each set of two people and sometimes all three.

While researching, Alex finds that when a female whale wants to get rid of a male, she may give him a tail slap, and Cassidy quips, “There’s a certain male I’d like to slap.” Knowing exactly who she’s talking about, Alex says, “You and Max will get back together, you always do,” but Cassidy denies it, saying she’s tired of dealing with Max’s mood swings and he’s not worth putting herself through that anymore. Alex is impressed, and the following, “Maybe it’s time to move on,” “Maybe I will,” exchange is a little, shall we say, heated. Then on deck later, they actually get to see a few whales surfacing, and are so excited they almost kiss before Denise interrupts them. Wow, I’d forgotten how high school friend groups really do all date each other.

Tamira and Sean are cuddling in the lifejacket storage bin, not wanting to take any Jimmy chances. Jimmy can hear Tamira giggling, and barely stops himself from opening the bin, but then of course Tony calls a lifeboat drill, so even if it’s not Jimmy, it’s just the couple’s luck that they’re exposed anyway.

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Welcome back to Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown! Today we recap Breaker High, episode 30, “He Shoots, He Scores.”

We start with the boys playing a game of ball hockey on deck, and Sean is terrible enough at it to break the window in Captain Ballard’s office. Tony arrives and says he booked them an actual ice hockey game against a Prince Edward Island team; Alex declines at first, embarrassed about the last loss the Breaker High Sea Monkeys took in Morocco of all places, but Tony tells him things may be different now that they have Max, who had been the top scorer in the Portland Bantam Hockey League. Max refuses to play at first, but when given the option between that and a public reading of Anne of Green Gables, his choice is pretty obvious - but only if he gets to be captain.

After the theme song, we come upon Sean telling Jimmy about a challenge he set for himself in which he wrote down a list of 101 things he wanted to do and gave himself 1,001 days to achieve them. He’s almost at the end of the time limit and has three things left: play on a sports team (hence trying out for the Sea Monkeys), see his name in lights (he may be putting string lights up and spelling out his name that way instead of having it on a Vegas marquee, but it still counts - until they’re burnt out), and kiss a girl. For the last one, he’s gathering up his courage to ask Tamira out, and if and when she says yes they’ll go on a date and there you have it. He does make it clear that it’s not just about the list, though; it’s about getting to kiss the best girl in the world. Aww.

The opportunity to ask her out comes when Sean and Tamira are sitting in the ice rink locker room; she’s in a Breakerette cheerleading uniform helping tie his hockey skates. He gives her an Anne of Green Gables sunhat with long, red, braided pigtails attached, and says, “You know how we’re going to see the Anne of Green Gables play tonight? What if instead of going as pals, we went as more than pals?” She says she’d love to, and it’s a date!

Turns out it isn’t just guys on the Sea Monkeys; Cassidy is playing goalie! She asks Max to take a few shots on her to help her warm up, but soon regrets her decision as he is very good and definitely not listening to her request that he slow down and take it easy. As he says, though, it’s not like the opponent is going to take it easy in a game.

Sean (in a 1/2 jersey) asks Tony what position he’ll play while falling to the ice and grasping the boards for dear life, and all Tony can say is, “Towel boy - you’ve been cut.” While he’s upset, a pretty pair of figure skates appears, and the pretty girl wearing them says, “The ice is right slippy, eh?” Sean makes an, “I was doing ice angels!” joke, and the girl laughs while helping him up. Of course the next thing she says is, “You’re funny, eh,” because there’s nothing this show likes more than leaning into stereotypes. Turns out her name is Allison Montgomery, and her dad runs the arena. While she shouldn’t be talking to Sean, since he’s a “boy from away,” Allison asks him out, saying, “If you’re not doing anything later tonight, I could show you the island.” He catches Tamira’s eye, which reminds him that he needs to decline. Allison is still persistent, telling Sean that if he changes his mind, he knows where to find her.

Max is taking his captain duties perhaps a little too seriously. In a conversation with Alex, he unilaterally decides to switch goalies from Cassidy to Jimmy, even amidst Alex’s protests that Cassidy is the best goalie they have. Max doesn’t trust Cassidy’s abilities under pressure, and since Tony’s coaching oversight apparently doesn’t extend to roster decisions, Max seems to think what he says goes.

While waiting for Sean (decked out in her Anne of Green Gables hat and all), Tamira starts talking to Jimmy about Sean’s sudden interest in sports when he usually hates them. Jimmy explains about Sean’s list of goals, and of course includes that Sean needs to kiss a girl, so of course Tamira thinks his interest in her isn’t genuine. Furious, she leaves the hat on a stair railing and runs to catch up with Ashley and some other girls who are going dancing in Charlottetown (gotta put those short cheerleading skirts to good use).

The next morning, Sean slams the hat down in front of Tamira and accuses her of standing him up; in his mind, she thinks she’s better than him because she’s a Breakerette now so has new jock friends to hang out with. Does he give her a chance to explain herself? Of course not.

In the hockey game, Max scores a goal, but he’s the only one who’s happy - guessing he was being a puck hog. So much for not wanting to play, huh? Sean is back in the locker room folding towels, this time with Allison sitting nearby. She tells him to stop nervously babbling; he denies being nervous but moves every time she scoots closer, enough to fall off the bench. She picks up pretty quickly that he’s never kissed a girl and confesses she’s never been kissed either; looks like they may be each other’s first.

At the end of the second period, the PEI team scores, and Max is visibly frustrated. Sean and Allison emerge from the locker room and, in full view of Tamira, hug while Allison says, “You’re a good guy, Sean.”

In said locker room, turns out Cassidy had been in goal, and while she protests that she got beat by a good move, Max says he doesn’t care and he’s pulling her anyway. Tony jumps in, saying that’s his decision, not Max’s, but Max doesn’t find him qualified so orders Cassidy to take off the pads and calls Jimmy in, even though Jimmy doesn’t want to. In fact, both Alex and Jimmy say if Cassidy’s out, so are they. Max doesn’t seem to care, saying they didn’t do anything all game anyway, but Alex retorts, “Maybe if you’d let me touch the puck!” Max is stunned when they actually take their jerseys off, saying, “You can’t do this, I’m the captain,” but then Tony rips the velcro C off his jersey and says, “Not anymore you’re not.”

The Sea Monkeys need another player now, so time for Sean to lace up and actually play on a sports team! Though Tony keeps him on the bench as long as humanly possible, until Jimmy basically concusses himself. Somehow, Sean gets a breakaway and shoots as he’s falling down, so the puck squeaks through the goalie’s legs and Sean actually scores a goal! His name appears on the scoreboard, so there’s his name in lights.

At the very end of the game, the PEI team gets to shoot a penalty shot one-on-one against Cassidy. The Sea Monkeys may be down by 9, but until now they’ve always lost by double digits, so if Cassidy can make the save, that’s still an accomplishment - and she does! With Max watching in the stands and all - take that, “fold under pressure like a lawn chair.” In the handshake line, Jimmy tries out the “Canadian slang” he found in a dictionary, but it’s so weird even the Canadians can’t understand him.

Tamira finds Sean in the locker room and congratulates him, adding, “I guess you’ve completed your list of goals, huh?” Things seem to click in his head as he realizes she knew about the list and guesses correctly that it was Jimmy who told her. Tamira assumes Sean kissed Allison, but it seems he didn’t - he says, “She was everything I ever wanted, but she wasn’t you. I waited 1,001 days for this kiss and didn’t want to waste it; I’d wait 1,001 more if that’s what it takes for it to be with you.” He doesn’t have to wait at all - a teary-eyed Tamira lurches forward and kisses him, saying, “Maybe you can wait that long, Sean, but I can’t.” And back to making out they go.

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Welcome back to Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown! Today we recap Breaker High, episode 29, “Moon Over Tamira.”

We start with Sean failing yet again to ask a girl out. Tamira sees the whole thing from behind the coffeehouse counter, and advises him to be himself, and maybe his nervous habits will go away - then completely contradicts herself as she starts hyperventilating when her newest crush Spencer appears. She breathes into a paper bag that happens to have biscotti crumbs in it, and Sean cracks a Star Trek joke that Tamira immediately gets, as they chant, “Beam me up, biscotti!” in unison - is this the episode where they finally realize they should date each other?! Given the episode title, it may be more one-sided.

Later in one of their cabins, Tamira and Denise are working on a chemistry project (the science kind), and Denise calls Tamira out for only being able to talk about Sean. Tamira denies having a crush on him, but it becomes pretty obvious that she’s mostly just afraid to ruin their friendship. In a game of “Truth or Dare,” Tamira is essentially coerced to kiss Sean; she gets him on the cheek, and he’s stunned and runs away. Then when she tries to find him in his cabin, she accidentally walks in on him naked - one guess on how well he takes that.

Captain Ballard and Max have actually been getting along pretty well, so Alex is confused when he starts complaining about the captain to Max and instead of agreeing, Max defends his dad. They actually start fighting, and this is the part the captain catches, so Max is grounded. Cassidy is sure that if Max is honest with his dad about the impetus behind the fight, he’ll be let off (and have a later curfew than Rugrats), but Max isn’t so sure; when Cassidy offers to tell the captain herself, Max tells her to stay out of it, not wanting his girlfriend to fight his battles for him. Cassidy may not go to Captain Ballard, but she does go to Alex and asks him to tell the captain the fight was his fault.

Sean attempts to ask another girl out, and uses the same Star Trek joke on her. Unlike Tamira, she absolutely does not get it. Back in their cabin, it’s the guys’ turn for a heart to heart when Jimmy tells Sean it’s time to admit Tamira has all the qualities he wants and looks to be the one for him. Sean tries to deny it for a minute, but seems to realize it’s true.

Alex does what Cassidy asks after all, basically telling the captain he didn’t think Max would take the ribbing so hard, given that when Alex was a kid he and his football teammates would rag on their coach, who also happened to be his dad. Captain Ballard understands, and says he’ll go speak to Max. Max’s adjusted “punishment” is hitting some golf balls with his dad, just like they were doing before the fight. Aww.

Sean goes to the coffeehouse to try and talk to Tamira, but the guy behind the counter says he just missed her; she’s out with Spencer. Sean pretends to be happy for her, but we can tell he’s devastated. He’s still moping at the coffeehouse when Tamira gets back early from her date, which she tells her coworker was only “okay.” She asks Sean to go for a walk, and starts hyperventilating while doing so; Sean starts hiccuping, which we saw earlier in this episode was his sign of being nervous around a girl. They both notice, and try to deny their symptoms to each other, but wind up breathing into the same paper bag. Sean tells Tamira she looks pretty, and that’s where the episode ends; I really hope this is a two-parter.

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Welcome back to Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown! Today we recap Breaker High, episode 28, “Stowing Pains.” Guess it wouldn’t be a show about a ship without a stowaway plot point/episode!

We start the episode at night with Nigel holding a flashlight and a teddy bear. He finds a trail of food, leading to his unlocked kitchen! The next morning, he is standing next to Captain Ballard as the captain speaks to the students, sharing, “For the third time since departing from Norway, someone has stolen food from the kitchen.” They’re pretty convinced it’s Jimmy, but obviously can’t make any accusations without undeniable proof. Nigel threatens that until someone confesses, he will only serve beets - and they have a whole week until they dock in Russia, so it’s not like there are many other food choices. Better hope the culprit ‘fesses up!

Ashley has been very depressed since breaking up with Alex, so the other girls decide it’s time for an intervention. Ashley actually agrees pretty easily to start seeing other guys and having fun - in her words, “I am far too beautiful to stay cooped up in this room and deprive the world of seeing me.” Cassidy offers to set her up, but Ashley is confident in her abilities to “attract an appropriate suitor” on her own. She might have spoken too soon: One of the two boys who speaks to her in the coffeehouse is very overweight, and the other is an X-Files nerd (yup, we’re in full ‘90s stereotypes mode).

On Day 4 of the “Beets Standoff,” Max asks Alex if he’s excited for his date with Daphne - what happened to Caitlin? Apparently what happened to several other girls Alex has dated since the breakup - he’s found something “wrong” with each of them, and he’s convinced he will with Daphne too. Max suggests Alex may be a little bit picky, and finally says what we’re all thinking: They’re just not Ashley.

Ashley is in the coffeehouse with a clipboard, clearly checking off a list as a guy says, “It’s never too early in a relationship to give jewelry,” and she’s definitely satisfied with his answer, saying, “Parker, this could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.”

After Alex’s date with Daphne to the movies, we hear his internal monologue, and she actually doesn’t have any flaws he can see. She asks if he’s thinking about his old girlfriend, but follows up with “I can make you forget you ever knew Ashley” - confident! And Alex likes it.

Jimmy is mobbed by students with signs yelling at him to confess that he stole the food. As he escapes into his cabin, he begs Sean to help him catch the food bandit and clear his name. Sean is unsure - when the school year started, Sean’s mom had sent him a care package full of beef jerky that disappeared, and Sean confesses he’s always thought it was Jimmy who took it, so he makes Jimmy swear that wasn’t true before agreeing to help him.

Parker leans in to kiss Ashley at the end of a date, but before their lips meet Ashley’s vision blurs and she sees an overlay of Alex on Parker’s body. She might not quite be ready for this, and she recognizes it. Parker thinks it’s because he used to be a male cheerleader and goes off about that, so much so that he doesn’t even notice her saying “Actually, I was thinking about my ex,” and leaving.

On deck, Alex is telling Daphne a story about Ashley, and she’s visibly impatient. She tells Alex, “Do you realize that for the last hour you’ve talked about nothing but Ashley? If you’re so hung up on her, shouldn’t you be on a date with her instead of me?” and walks away. We don’t usually see more on non-main-group students past their highlight episode, but I wish we would of Daphne; I like her!

Sean and Jimmy try to do a nighttime stakeout to catch the bandit, but wind up falling asleep on deck. Alarms go off as a masked female figure dressed all in black comes into the frame, which wakes them, and they pull her mask off to find it’s no one they’ve ever seen before. When they escape with the stowaway before Captain Ballard and Nigel can make it to the kitchen, the captain determines that the beets stand-off isn’t working and it’s time for a cabin-wide investigation.

Turns out the stowaway is a woman from Norway named Lina who’s trying to get to America to be the next Vanna White, and apparently hiding on a ship that’s going to take a very long time to get back to the U.S. is the best way to do that. The boys are just thrilled that they have an attractive woman staying in their cabin seemingly indefinitely. When she says she’s hungry, Jimmy pulls out a stash of beef jerky - did he steal it from Sean after all?! Oh dang.

The next morning, Max shares with Cassidy that Alex is driving him nuts as he does everything he can to stop thinking about Ashley, and Cassidy says Ashley’s just as bad. Cassidy thinks maybe they should try and get them back together, but Max thinks interfering in their lives is a bad idea. He doesn’t have a better one, but does have a kiss for Cassidy and a walk as a distraction.

Jimmy’s getting food thrown at him in the cafeteria, but doesn’t care because he’s loving the beet stroganoff and is convinced Lina loves him. Sean, however, also thinks he and Lina are meant to be, so they start getting territorial about a woman who let’s be real probably doesn’t want either of them. They pretend to swear off her because their friendship is more important than a woman, but we can see on their faces that they’re both lying.

Ashley and Alex run into each other in the hallway and start ribbing each other about their dates, and it doesn’t take long for it to get personal. Later in her cabin, Ashley admits to Denise and Tamira that she’s so desperate to forget him that she finally let Cassidy set her up.

A dressed-up Jimmy comes back to his cabin to find Sean has set up a candlelit meal, and they both realize their deal never existed. While Lina watches them argue, they determine that the only way to decide who gets her is a duel, so they start swordfighting with tennis rackets. Captain Ballard knocks on the door, and they open the closet for Lina to hide in, only for lots of food to come spilling out. As Lina hides behind a Wheel of Fortune board that somehow appeared, Sean and Jimmy accuse the other of being the bandit to the captain.

The ship has arrived in St. Petersburg, and Max and Cassidy are going out to dinner. Max notices the table is set for four, and lo and behold, Alex and Ashley show up - guess it’s not such a blind date after all. Alex says he’s only sticking around so he can have a meal without beets, but of course the night’s special is borscht. Ashley pretends to be polite by pouring Alex some water, but ends up pouring some on him as well. Max may be within his rights to say, “I told you so,” Cassidy.

Sean and Jimmy are helping prep beets and decide they need to go ask Lina once and for all who she wants to be with. When they arrive back at their cabin, she’s gone - probably for the best.

Alex and Ashley somehow get in the same cab on the way back to the ship. Both are too stubborn to leave, so they start insulting each other…until it turns into a heated kiss, and after that Alex decides he should find another cab.

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Welcome back to Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown! Today we recap Breaker High, episode 27, “Some You Win, Some You Luge.”

Jimmy spills his Skittles while walking down the hallway, and some of them slide under the door to Cassidy and Denise’s cabin, which has been left unlocked. Jimmy hears the girls chatting on their way back to their room, so instead of staying where he is and explaining what he’s doing, he panics and hides in the closet. They’re talking boys - Denise is crushing on Brendan Coyne from her science class, hoping he’ll ask her to the Midnight Sun ball in Norway, but Jimmy doesn’t know that, and from her descriptions thinks she’s talking about Sean. One guess who he’s going to go run and tell…as soon as he can find a way out.

After the theme song, a girl named Caitlin comes up to Alex and is pretty clearly working her way up to asking him to the Midnight Sun ball, but he makes his disinterest pretty obvious. Cassidy overhears and joins Alex after Caitlin leaves, telling him he could’ve let her down a little easier, but apparently he didn’t even realize what Caitlin was trying to do. Anyway, now that he and Ashley are together, he’s a one-woman man. Cassidy hopes Caitlin finds a date because the dance is going to be amazing (side note, Caitlin can absolutely just go with a group of friends if that’s it ends up; I personally had a lot of fun at high school dances even without a date). Max comes up just in time to hear the last part and says he thinks it’s going to be amazingly lame, and we can see Cassidy’s face fall for a moment, but instead of standing firm in her original position, she pretends to agree with Max. Alex is confused but Cassidy shushes him - she thinks she knows what she’s doing, but I think putting on this much of a facade is going to be out-of-character enough to make her pretty miserable.

Just as anticipated, Jimmy is telling Sean what he thinks he overheard, but Sean doesn’t believe him, saying, “Denise would never go for a guy like me; she’s out of my league.” Sure enough, Denise is looking over at Brendan, who does admittedly dress like Sean, but is Black - it’s nice to see another student of color on board! Unfortunately, Sean and Brendan are in the same line-of-sight area from Denise, so Sean definitely thinks Cassidy is pointing at him instead of the actual guy Denise likes. With Jimmy’s encouragement, Sean walks up to the girls all suave, and while it’s pretty obvious to the viewers that they’re ignoring him, he doesn’t get the hint and instead is now in full agreement with Jimmy that Denise wants him. Oh boy.

On the ground in Norway, Ashley is nervous to ice skate for the first time, but Alex quips that the wobblier she is, the more he gets to keep his arm around her. In the following montage, they do tumble to the ice a few times, but are generally adorable. He even buys her a necklace to remember the day by afterward - aww.

Tamira comes up to Denise in the ship’s computer lab (!) and tells her she overheard a piece of gossip that Brendan is going to ask Denise to the Midnight Sun ball! Denise is nervous and excited at the same time, and heads off to orchestrate their run-in.

In Sean and Jimmy’s cabin, Jimmy is getting excited about going luging that night, but Sean is too busy daydreaming about Denise to pay much attention. When Jimmy finally gets him to focus, Sean actually declines the luge invitation, saying he’s going to “see a girl about a dance” that night instead.

Denise is sitting on deck, and Brendan and Sean come down two separate sets of stairs at the same time. They reach her at the same moment, but Sean cuts in ahead and gets his ask in first, which makes Brendan leave. Denise is horrified, but that response goes entirely over Sean’s head.

Tyler has somehow shown up on the ship?! In his words to Ashley (who is still wearing the necklace Alex gave her), “you didn’t think I’d give you up that easily, did you? When you called and said you were breaking up with me, I knew what you really meant was you missed me.” UGH. Alex prompts her to tell Tyler about them, but she hems and haws, and after Alex leaves in frustration, she tells Tyler Alex is just a friend (though the look on her face says she knows that’s not true).

Ashley comes into Alex’s cabin later, and tells Alex she can’t believe he’s mad at her? Girl, what were you expecting. Alex lets his insecurities get the best of him and breaks up with Ashley before she gets the chance to lead him on again, saying he hopes she and Tyler will be very happy together.

Sean struts into the coffeehouse and brags about waiting for Denise right in front of Brendan. Brendan confirms with Sean that (at least Sean thinks) Sean and Denise are a thing, even though he thought she was into him (Sean actually says, “Must have been wishful thinking,”) and now that he knows he’ll back off.

Ashley tells Tyler about the Midnight Sun ball and confirms he has a tux with him, so presumably they’ll be going together. Tyler asks what Ashley’s perfect day would be, and after spotting Alex shooting hoops, she has her answer: yup, they’re going ice skating. Tyler is definitely not as into it as Alex was, though, sitting down on the sidelines instead of skating with Ashley. He’d been expecting that Ashley’s dream day would involve Tyler’s credit cards and a lot of Norwegian shoes, and he is fully affronted at the idea of eating a corn dog. He even presents her with a pearl necklace that was his mother’s, and perhaps surprisingly, Ashley actually hesitates.

Tamira drops a bunch of books while walking down the stairs, and Sean helps her pick them up. When she thanks him, he says, “Anything for a good friend of my squeeze Denise Williams.” She looks at him confused and straight up says, “She’s only going to the dance with you because you asked her before Brendan got a chance to,” adding, “You knew that, didn’t you?!” as his face falls, though he recovers with, “Of course, I was kidding, I don’t want to tie myself down with one girl yet.”

As Denise and Tamira are getting ready for the dance in Cassidy and Denise’s cabin, Cassidy is jealous, venting, “Max would be totally perfect if he wasn’t such an antisocial jerk,” to which Denise responds, “I’ll trade you; I’ll stay home with the antisocial jerk and you can go with the lounge lizard.” Then Ashley walks in, looking like the perfect Southern belle. Denise notices the pearls from Tyler, and Ashley is subdued, saying, “He totally loves me, we’ll probably get married, yada yada yada. I couldn’t be happier,” in a flat voice. While Cassidy encourages Ashley to remember that Alex is the one she wants, Ashley admits that Alex has made it clear she’s not the one he wants. She tries to say it’s all for the best, but none of the other girls buy it and make their opinions clear to Ashley.

Sean knocks on the cabin door, and when Denise answers, she’s shocked that he isn’t ready for the dance. He makes some excuse about having “Scandinavian scurvy,” and they go through the motions of being “sad” he’ll have to cancel. But never fear, Sean found a substitute: He pulls Brendan into the doorway! After they leave, Tamira says, “Aw, it’s nice to see that people can actually get what they really want,” and that statement sends both Cassidy and Ashley running.

Cassidy finds Max and immediately launches into a speech. “Just because you think dances are lame doesn’t mean I have to think they’re lame too. If things are going to work out with us, you’re going to have to make some compromises.” Max tosses his book aside, stands up and says, “Let’s go. Dances are lame, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to go if it’s really important to you.” Time to get ready! When they arrive, Max concedes that seeing Cassidy in her fancy dress makes it all worth it, and is even happier when she suggests they stay at the dance for an hour and then go back to the boat and watch ESPN on satellite dish.

Ashley comes into the dance (having switched necklaces), finds Alex, and while he tries to talk, she doesn’t let him get a word in before she says, “You were right. Seeing Tyler did bring back a lot of old feelings, but that’s all they were: old. Tyler and I are done for good. He’s on his way back to Princeton right now.” But Alex was trying to tell her he’d made his decision too, and then Caitlin walks up. Oh, Ashley really did think he’d still be wallowing and waiting for her…

Speaking of wallowing, Jimmy finds Sean doing the same in their cabin and apologizes to him for the mix-up. And guess what, they’re going luging after all!

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Welcome back to Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown! Today we recap Breaker High, episode 26, “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Post Office.”

After Sean and Jimmy hijack it for a few minutes, Denise films what seems to be a sort of video diary for her parents. In it, she sets the scene: The ship has just docked in Amsterdam, and she has something important to tell them, important enough that she asks if they’re sitting down. Curiosity officially piqued!

Denise starts out by saying, “I think it’s time I told you how I really feel about Breaker High. Remember how the brochures promised intellectual stimulation and cultural enlightenment? Well, it’s nothing like that here.” She’s annoyed that Jimmy’s concept of Nirvana comes from the band, not the Buddha, and while she loves Cassidy’s big heart, she can’t stand her big mouth talking about all of her dating exploits.

Cassidy and Max are confirmed to still be together after last episode, and while Denise calls them a mismatch, she acknowledges that at least they like to experience the traditional culture of the countries they visit, while Sean and Jimmy just want to find all of Amsterdam’s McDonalds. And then there’s Ashley - according to Denise, “her love life makes Cassidy’s seem stable.” We pan over to Ashley and Alex making out as if their lives depend on it, yet she acknowledges that Tyler is still officially her boyfriend to Alex’s face right afterward, leading Alex to give her an ultimatum (him or Tyler), and when she doesn’t respond he throws up his hands and walks away.

Denise is talking about wanting to broaden her intellectual horizons when Cassidy runs into the room with a water gun, pretty much epitomizing Denise’s dilemma. Though Cassidy does kind of have a point when she asks Denise’s parents through the camera if they can convince Denise to “get off the sidelines and into the game” - I am very much on the Denise end of the spectrum but can appreciate Cassidy’s point. Denise protests that she does try to get involved, it just doesn’t work a lot of the time - when she tries to give advice, she’s made fun of for her studious nature instead. If she wants a true cultural experience, she has to do it by herself.

Tamira is talking on the phone to her mom when Ashley barges in and tells her to hang up, it’s an emergency, she needs the phone. And then she spends the next few minutes psyching herself up, because apparently the emergency is that she’s officially going to break up with Tyler! But of course, as they start talking and he’s saying all the right things, she loses all her nerve.

Max didn’t show up to meet Cassidy when he was supposed to - by the time he does, she accuses him of blowing her off, and he has the gall to respond with, “No, I just changed my plans. Anyway, what’s the big deal?” Remember, this is all happening before cell phones and texting are a thing, so yes, it is a big deal. I’d say Cassidy’s response after waiting for literal hours is appropriate and not deserving of Max’s “You don’t own me!” Though Max is supposed to be the rebel, this also seems to be a personality swap from the first time they tried dating; it’s hard to tell whether it’s on purpose or a plot hole.

Ashley finds Alex on deck and tells him she broke up with Tyler. He’s thrilled, but she still looks like she’s keeping a secret.

Denise’s big news: She wants to come home. While Breaker High isn’t terrible, she doesn’t feel challenged or that the experience will help her get into Harvard, so she’s ready to be done. In order for her parents to get this news, Denise has to physically mail them the videotape - I have a feeling something’s going to happen between her sealing the envelope and them actually seeing it. As suspected, she’s about to drop it in the mailbox when Sean and Jimmy yank it out of her hands, saying she has no choice but to hang out with them - she had mentioned wanting to go to the Anne Frank house, and there’s a McDonald’s right around the corner, so it must be fate.

Sean and Jimmy are helping Denise through the streets of Amsterdam as they all clop along in newly purchased wooden clogs. Once they sit down, she realizes they’ve actually walked through half the city and seen almost all the sites, even if they just happened to be near a McDonald’s.

Ashley swaps out a photo of Tyler for one of Alex, when someone at the door delivers her a big bouquet of roses which of course happens to be from Tyler. Tamira is stunned, saying “You broke up with him - what do you get from guys you’re actually dating?” Ashley doesn’t respond, which should be seen as a response in itself, and opens the door to find Alex with a bouquet of his own. Tamira quips, “Whoa, did she dump you too?” Alex is confused, then notices the roses. Ashley tries to say they’re Tamira’s and steers Alex away, claiming they’re from a secret admirer that Tamira definitely didn’t just find out she has.

Denise is back on the boat, staring at the envelope, when Cassidy comes up to vent about Max. Denise wonders why Cassidy wouldn’t want to date someone more like herself, but Cassidy says if she’d wanted that she would’ve just stayed home. Then Ashley comes up, hauls her off and asks for help making her decision - does she stick with the tried and true or take a chance on the unknown? Denise wonders why Ashley is asking her, and Ashley acknowledges that Denise is the only one in their group with a head on her shoulders. Denise is a little stunned, apparently not having considered herself part of the group to begin with. She tells Ashley that the only thing to do is follow her heart, and I think she’s not just giving that advice to Ashley. Ashley says, “When you put it that way, the answer is obvious,” and it might be to Denise, too.

We fade in on Ashley practicing an “It’s not you, it’s me,” breakup speech to a photo frame in her cabin, but we can’t see who’s in it. She picks up the phone and starts dialing, and it’s Tyler who is on the other end of the line and was in the photo she was talking to. She puts the frame in a drawer and closes it, symbolizing that she’s finally moving on.

Of course, Denise is the one who tells Max what he needs to hear regarding Cassidy. She’s the one who gets through to him about why Cassidy is upset (he didn’t “have” to leave her hanging, he chose to), and when he asks if she thinks he should apologize, she says, “If you have to ask me that question, maybe you shouldn’t be in a relationship at all,” and he actually seems to take it to heart.

We end the episode with Denise filming a new video letter for her parents, and her friends all join in. Max introduces himself as Cassidy’s boyfriend, so apparently they’ve made up. Ashley and Alex are all lovey-dovey, too; Sean and Jimmy are having a good time, as usual, and Tamira is there :p. Once they finish, Denise is actually the first one to break out a water gun, and of course everyone else has one too, so it’s an all-out fight; these are the kind of high school memories Denise should be making, and she ends the episode with a big grin on her face.

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