The world’s most high profile bullshitting billionaire genius, Electric Jesus, sent Tesla shares into a six per cent tailspin when he recently unveiled a stainless steel joke without a punchline, at the Plug-in Scientology cult facility in Freemont, California.

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The world’s most high profile bullshitting billionaire genius, Electric Jesus, sent Tesla shares into a six per cent tailspin when he recently unveiled a stainless steel joke without a punchline, at the Plug-in Scientology cult facility in Freemont, California.

The so-called Tesla Cybertruck is essentially a Homer Simpson-designed stainless steel Humvee minus of course all connection to satire. It also has an element of mentally retarded stealth fighter about it also, I think you’d agree. It’s the perfect prank reveal, that wasn’t.

The ‘Stevie Wonder’ launch edition Cybertruck is expected to retail for $39,990 Retardistani Pesos for the poverty pack with just one electric motor, and rear drive. It’ll stretch up to just under 70 Retardistani big ones for the three-motor all-wheel drive version.

There’s a dual-motor AWD version as well, somewhere in the middle on price. Apparently the poverty version is good for 400 kilometres. The dual motor variant offers 480 kays of range and the tri-motor jobbie will take you 800 kilometres. But they’re all just just claims from the summit of Electric Bullshit Mountain at this stage, of course.

Like the much hyped Tesla Semi which, EJ assured us would be clogging the roads by now, the Cybertruck does not actually exist. So there’s still hope. It’s just a threat at this stage.

Speaking of which, Bullshit Six says the tri-motor Cybertruck will do 0-100 in 2.9 seconds. Which is rather fast. It’ll carry a payload of up to 1.6 tonnes and tow more than 3.4 tonnes. If you want the self-driving one that doesn’t really drive itself and isn’t actually autonomous, that’ll be a $7000 option. 

It’s a six-seater, the body is made of (quote) “ultra-hard 30X cold-rolled stainless steel” which kinda explains the ridiculous shape. And of course it’s glazed with (quote) “armour glass”. 

The English language: so friggin’ complex. However, at the reveal, when wannabe Tony Stark’s conscripted some - I dunno - some millennial piss boy from the cult to demonstrate the toughness of the vehicle’s illiterate glass by throwing a metal ball at it (which is not one of bulletproof glass’s toughest tests, I note) the window shattered. Twice. Yesssssss!

Which is just impossibly excellent as public spectacles go, I think you’d agree. 

If you suspend all disbelief, you will ‘learn’ (if that’s the right word) that the new Tesla ‘Stealth Cockroach’ Stupidtruck will be offered with an electric ATV, the so-called Cyberquad, which Electric Jesus says will be available only as a genuine Cybertruck option. (Note to self - might need an extra charging point in the Fat Cave. Or not.)

So, if you’re a rich, environmentally evangelical dick with a dysfunctional relationship with aesthetics, who failed physics and seeks to save the planet by overconsuming absurd products that really won’t help, the new Tesla tri-motor Stevie Wonder Cybertruck and Cyberquad boxed set could be just right for you.

No plans have been announced for right-hand drive or ‘Strayan homologtion for the mighty Tesla Stupidtruck, and I think we can all thank the Lord, Electric Jesus, sincerely, for that.