The side effects of fertility treatment can be really bad. They’re actually a major reason why many women drop out of treatment completely. On this episode of the podcast, I discuss the three most important tools that I have learned over the years to deal with pain, stress and the negative feelings these may create within you. I talk about what you can do to create space for treatment and how you can learn to ask for help when this doesn’t come naturally to you. I also explain how mindfulness can help you stop fighting the side effects and improve your quality of life by taking your attention back to the present moment - with compassion. I end the podcast with a short mindfulness meditation that you can practice whenever you feel you need some help getting back to the here and now.

Top quotes:

Françoise Molenaar: “It’s ok to ask for help, it’s ok to make your life a bit easier.”

Françoise Molenaar: “When you get stuck in your stories and your suffering, ask yourself this simple question: ‘can I handle this moment?’ This brings your moment back to the present moment and shows that you are (still) surviving.”

Jon Kabat-Zinn: “Am I living the life I’m supposed to be living or am I living a caricature of that life? Am I so distracted and caught up in getting someplace else that I am missing the preciousness and the uniqueness of moments on the way to wherever it is I think I need to go to be happy?”

When you’re dealing with (in)fertility, your life can easily start to revolve around this one thing. You’re stuck in doing mode - trying to figure out which steps to take to maximise your chances of getting pregnant. On this episode of the podcast, I talk to Anoshe Overington and Gita Spruit about their experiences with (in)fertility, pregnancy loss and how they have used - and continue to use - Eastern wisdom and Chinese medicine on their own fertility journeys and in their work with women who are trying to get pregnant. We touch upon issues such as how to surrender to the process, how to deal with intense emotions, and how to carry your grief. Trigger warning: we discuss the pregnancy losses we experienced at 12 weeks (Françoise), 22 weeks (Anoshe), and 6 months (Gita).

Top quotes:

Anoshe Overington: “If you’re upset but you don’t want your neighbours to hear you, get a bucket of warm water, put your head in, and just scream in the bucket.”

Françoise Molenaar: “Your fertility journey is really an invitation to see ‘am I taking care of myself, is there enough room for me?’”

Gita Schuit: “We live in a yang society. Wanting to get pregnant invites you to go to the yin. It invites you to take care of yourself, so that you can later on take care of your child. It’s about learning the other movement.”

Recommendation: Gayatri Mantra - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yQjHSIHPJfw

About Anoshe and Gita:

Anoshe is a certified (ERYT-500) Vinyasa yoga and Yin Yoga teacher and works in training teachers. She is also trained in Ericksonian Hypnotherapy, Reiki, Prana-healing, Massage and Psychotherapy. Gita Perotti - Schuit is and acupuncturist and a naturopathic therapist. They both work at Stillness in Yoga (stillnessinyoga.com). Gita also has her own practice: deacupunctuurpraktijk.nl

(Recurrent) pregnancy loss can be a very heavy burden to carry. The grief and sadness can take a big toll on your (mental) health and your relationship. In addition, it can be really scary to get pregnant again after loss. On this episode of the podcast, I talk to Lindsay Blair about her experience carrying two healthy twins to term after having suffered nine losses. We discuss how to heal yourself and your relationship after (recurrent) pregnancy loss and how to commemorate your losses. We also touch upon things you can do to manage pregnancy after loss and how to find back some of your joy and spontaneity in pregnancy. Lindsay also shares her own experiences in learning to better understand her emotions and finding a light at the end of the tunnel.

Top quotes:

“After our 8th loss I just didn’t know how we would survive another one. I thought it would truly break me. So that was the wake-up call for me that I needed to take some time to rest and heal and process everything that I had been through.”

“Each loss was compounded. So with our 2nd miscarriage we were grieving the loss of that baby plus reliving all of the trauma and loss all over again with the first miscarriage. With each subsequent loss it just seems like everything is just compounded on one another and you can’t really separate it.”

“I am who I am today because of them. I am a better mother than I could ever have imagined I could be. And even the work I do now is because of them. I truly think about them every day. Their lives were unbelievably short but they’ve had such an impact on me and on so many others.”

“The fear is very real. So when people dismiss those fears, it’s not very helpful because you’ve already experienced when things don’t work out. Taking it one day at a time is essential.”

About Lindsay Blair:

Lindsay Blair is a certified Trauma Specialist, Birth and Bereavement Doula, Fertility Coach and creator of Catalyst for Courage. Lindsay understands how difficult the journeys of infertility, pregnancy loss, and pregnancy after loss can be because she’s lived them. Through her own journey of healing, Lindsay is now passionate about empowering individuals and couples to transform their suffering into a catalyst for courage no matter where they are in their fertility journey. You can find out more about her work on her website:

www.catalystforcourage.com and on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/catalystforcourage/

A couple of years ago, I worked with a ‘fertility coach’ who really exploited my vulnerability as an aspiring mother. She was recommended to me by someone I really trusted, so I really wanted to work with her. When we connected, I felt right away that something was off but my fear that this was my only chance of having a baby was stronger. Thousands of dollars later, I was left with empty pockets and not much to show for it. It’s an experience that has really informed how I’ve set up my own coaching practice. On this episode of the podcast, I share my key take-aways so that you will hopefully never fall in that same trap! In particular, I identify four key red flags to look out for: 1) only has positive reviews from women who’ve gotten pregnant, 2) uses aggressive sales techniques, 3) treats you like a number, and 4) is not clear about what you will achieve (other than getting pregnant) and how you will achieve this.

One complaint I often hear from the women I work with is that fertility treatment can feel so cold and clinical and like you’re put on a conveyor belt where one procedure just leads to the next one.

On this episode of the podcast, I talk to medical anthropologist Trudie Gerrits, who specializes in assisted reproductive technology. We discuss how the interaction between the doctors, the people facing fertility problems and technology affect the way people think about fertility treatment and how they go about their decision-making.

In particular, Trudie underlines the importance of taking a step back every now and then to see if you’re still on track with your treatment process and the need to be aware of the danger that you start to see your body in medical terms only.

Top quotes:

“People have the feeling that they are so close to a pregnancy. And the things that doctors and nurses say with good intentions, ‘wow, your embryos look so good’, there’s the creation of hope there. But then you have the two weeks of anxious waiting coming on. And that’s where most treatments fail. Being more aware of those sorts of dynamics might influence the way you consider the next step of treatment.” - Trudie Gerrits

“I felt so helpless in treatment and that would activate my fight response. But once I realized that, I started telling my doctors how I actually felt and that completely changed the dynamic of our conversations.” - Françoise Molenaar

“Be aware of the seducing mechanisms that occur in that medical environment. It’s not about accusing the system. But make sure for yourself that you’re in charge of your own pathway and that you’re not only following what is being offered and what is possible but follow your own steps and what you feel is good for you.” - Trudie Gerrits

Book recommendation: Gerrits, T. (2016). Patient-centred IVF: Bioethics and care in a Dutch clinic. (Fertility, reproduction and sexuality; No. 33). New York: Berghahn Books.

About Trudie Gerrits

Trudie is Associate Professor at the Department of Sociology and Anthropology at the University of Amsterdam (UvA). In 2008, she received her PhD (cum laude ) at the University of Amsterdam based on her dissertation, which is a hospital ethnography entiteld 'Clinical Encounters. Dynamics of patient-centred practices in a Dutch fertility clinic'. You can find out more about her work here: https://www.uva.nl/en/profile/g/e/g.j.e.gerrits/g.j.e.gerrits.html

When your fertility journey is a complicated one, it can involve a lot of grief and loss. There’s also a lot of different hurts, such as pregnancy loss, failed fertility treatment, not being able to conceive (naturally), grieving for the carefree you ‘pre your fertility journey’, even grieving over something as ‘simple’ as getting your period.

On this episode of the podcast, I talk to Death Doula Jess Reis on how to process grief and loss. We discuss how you can find the right coping mechanism for you and when it’s time to find professional support. We also touch upon the importance of rituals, how grief and loss can become transformational, and how to connect with the loved ones you’ve lost through memory.

Top quotes:

“When you're not able to have that child, it can make you really question your existence in a very different way. If a part of human existence is to have children, it can feel like life is working backwards or in reverse or sideways.” - Jess Reis

“It’s almost becoming this podcast’s unofficial slogan: ‘do what feels right for you right now.’ It’s really about finding that intuitive voice within you that can take care of you. Especially when your fertility journey is a hard one.” - Françoise Molenaar

“When you start having the feelings of a lot of agitation and anger and frustration, those are usually the emotions that we hide our grief in. I would ask you to reflect and take a step back: ‘what is this anger really telling me?’” - Jess Reis

“When you’re in the depths of grief and loss, it’s really hard to hear that your pain can become transformational. Because you don’t see it. When you’re in that experience you’re like ‘no, nothing makes sense and you can’t tell me otherwise.’ … When you’re in it, it really is a lot about survival.” - Jess Reis

About Jess:

Jessica Reis Mendivil is an Ancestral Death Doula, Self-Actualization Coach and Mexican Shaman in training. She practices Animism, is a Certified Intuitive Body Coach and is trained as a Death Doula through INELDA - International End of Life Doula Association. She has expansions in Pregnancy and Infant Loss, Shadow Work and Grief Support through the Birth, Breath and Death Institute. You can follow her on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/the.death.empath/ and Tiktok https://www.tiktok.com/@the.death.empath?lang=en

The two-week-wait can be an agonising time. It confronts us with some of life’s ultimate lessons: that we don’t know what tomorrow will bring, that we have no control over the outcome of our fertility journeys, and that sometimes all you can do in life is just wait. On this episode of the podcast, I talk about how you can use the two-week-wait as the ultimate mindfulness tool. A first step is to notice what anxious behaviours you (want to) engage in and observe how those make you feel. A second step is to see what feelings and emotions, such as fear or lack of control, you’re trying to suppress with those anxious behaviours and to embrace them instead. A third step is to be really kind to yourself and give yourself what you need or crave from a place of love.

It is becoming more common to hear women talk about their (in)fertility journeys. What’s less common is to hear about the partner’s perspective. On this episode of the podcast, I talk to Martin Stoker about his experience losing three unborn children and giving up on his dream of becoming a father. Although Martin himself would be the first to say that he still is a father - even though his children are no longer here.

We discuss what it’s like for a man or partner to go through the process of pregnancy loss. We also talk about how to create emotional space for yourself, even though you feel you need to be strong for your partner. Lastly, Martin shares his advice on how to find joy in life when you’re facing unwanted childlessness and we discuss how to embrace your emotions and commemorate your loss.

Top quotes:

“What was really difficult for me was that in the hospital the specialists would only talk to my wife, would only make eye contact with my wife and I remember asking myself ‘why am I here? I’m not only the person who drives the car to this appointment.’” - Martin Stoker

“That moment that we let go of everything that you need to do to get pregnant, we really closed that book and we embraced everything else that we have in life.” - Martin Stoker

“Don’t wait and keep adding things to your bucket list. Do things now.” - Martin Stoker

About Martin Stoker

Martin Stoker is a coach for men who are facing unwanted childlessness. You can find out more about his work (in Dutch) at: www.bmsh.nl. You can also follow him on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bmsh_martinstoker/

The burden of (in)fertility can put a huge strain on your romantic relationship. You and your partner might be dealing with intense emotions in different ways, you might be unable to support each other throughout this journey, you might not be on the same page when it comes to next treatment steps and/or your relationship may have lost all sense of fun and intimacy.

On this episode of the podcast, I talk to fertility counselor and couple’s therapist Dr. Lucille Keenan about how to deal with such issues. We discuss the importance of understanding that you and your partner may both need different things to flourish in a relationship. It is often our inability to truly know and communicate our own needs that creates so much hurt - rather than that it is a simple matter of our partner failing to show up for us.

Top quotes:

“We are wired to connect but [at times of stress] we often use survival strategies that vary on our genetics, how we’re wired, how we were raised, our families and what we have learned about what is safe from an early age. Recognizing this allows us to identify blocks to connection” - Dr. Lucille Keenan

“It’s often said that hurt people hurt people. When you see yourself going in a downward spiral, take a step back and realize that you are both hurting.” - Françoise Molenaar

“We want to get out of our brain stem, out of our survival state. We’re in a really scared state. Slow down. Do meditation together and then have that conversation. So you come from a place of compassion and understanding.” - Dr. Lucille Keenan

“The positive intent of our partner’s moves very often hits the other partner in the raw spot, feeling ‘I’m alone, I’m abandoned’ or ‘wow, this really isn’t safe, emotions are getting really hot.’” - Dr. Lucille Keenan

About Dr. Lucille Keenan

Dr. Lucille Keenan has been helping people make positive changes in their lives for over 20 years. She works with individuals and couples on a wide variety of challenges, including relationships, anxiety, depression and professional development, and specializes in fertility and reproductive health issues. If you’re ready to make major changes in your life, address problems in your relationship, or simply looking for support through a stressful time, she’d be honored to help you. You can call her at 919-604-7401, email her at [email protected] or find more information about her at https://drlucillekeenan.com/

As compassionate as many doctors may be, they aren’t necessarily focused on creating an atmosphere that truly allows your nervous system to relax. On this episode of the podcast, I share the three steps that I took during my frozen embryo transfer yesterday to really be able to relax and turn my procedure into a magical moment. I discuss how you can create space for relaxation, ask for what you need, and design rituals that help you create meaning out of the event and deepen the connection with those around you. These steps can be used during any type of medical procedure to help you feel calm, safe, connected and in control.

Top quotes:

“By asking for what you need, you create a sense of safety” - Françoise Molenaar

“Just feel what would be good for you. What would your ideal procedure look like?” - Françoise Molenaar

“Rituals help you create meaning out of an event and they help you deepen the connection with those around you.” - Françoise Molenaar