And in winter, she says, if you’re quiet you can hear a heartbeat…and I am and I do, but it’s so faint. Like a baby mouse fighting to be born. Or a leaf trying to go back in time to when it hadn’t already fallen. And I lean in closer and I pull it all to me but still it’s almost like silence. Like snow falling on a mound of itself. Like all the stars of the universe as seen from a crag in the farthest parts of the world. That’s it, I think. That’s it. It’s so hard to hear because it’s so far away. How can the parts inside us be outside our grasp - they’re right there. They’re right there. They’re right there. The blood flowing back and forth. The organs churning. A perfect little engine but I don’t always feel like I’m driving. And I lean in again and I hear the purr, smell the oil slick, bask in the exhaust. And wonder: what kind of road trip am I on, anyway? And where do I get off?

In this episode, I’m partly playing a hippo “musical instrument” that I made from a box of mac and cheese.

Does my cardboard hippo really make music? Is that what music is?

Is music for children different than music for adults? What do they hear that we can’t?

It’s been a minute! Welcome back to The ALIVE hour (and spring) ☔️

The music in this episode comes from this very inspiring and awesome Substack via visual artist Erik Winkowski. Shannon Colón, friend and creator of Somebody Might Enjoy This, recently alerted me to Winkowski’s Substack and it is just a total delight, a feast for the visual and audial senses.

How can one not want to pick this up and play with it? (As much as one can pick up and play with something that only exists online..) So that’s what I did 🎶

This video features magnetic poetry bought in January at Illinois’ Morton Arboretum…which, sidebar: who remembers magnetic poetry? I find it…v fun and inspiring and all kinds of weird and interesting. This video also importantly features a hummingbird charm from Ellyn F., and much less importantly features cherry tomatoes from Jewel-Osco.

About me: I like to make audio / videos / GIFs about: people I care about; tiny things; nature things; and alive things. If you’re new here, hi! If you’re old here, hi! HI <3 👋🏼

The ALIVE hour has been about a lot of things so far, but one of them that I come back to over and over is this idea of getting quiet enough to allow the very quiet things deep within yourself to come up. And then taking the time to listen to those things, give them space, nourish them like little tiny seedlings who are just starting to reach towards the light.

Often I find this process:

* Surprising

* Moving

* Kinda scary

* Profound

It’s something about the hearing. I feel like I “hear” when writing, too, but it’s different somehow. Listening to the audible sounds of what comes up ends up being cathartic, even more so than writing, for me.

This time of year lends itself to beginnings and endings. Something about the cold, especially living here in Illinois. Everything all holed up. The inherent quiet. The waiting.

This is the last episode of Season 3. I’ll be taking a break to enjoy the winter, back with more in spring. Merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, ditto all the rest. Keep a bright light going in the dark times. And as always, thank you for listening. ⭐️🎄

(And here are some festive drawings from members of the magic club! Ho ho ho! Enjoy!)

**Illustration: Shannon ColónAudio mixing + music: Chloe RileyMusic excerpt: The Decemberists, A Beginning Song

Is death funny?Maybe parts of it?It’s like:So terrifying, you fall over laughing?So terrified of falling over forever, you laugh?Pee your pants funny?Big drawn out joke at the wake funny?Ha.Ha, ha.HA!

Or maybe more like:What else can you do?Finding yourself at a loss — laughing.

A fun mailed thing is about to go out! Become a paid subscriber to get your special print edition of The ALIVE hour delivered this Christmas. Ho ho ho! 🎄💌💨

**Illustration: Shannon ColónAudio mixing + music: Chloe RileyExcerpt from “Brutality of Fact” by Keith ReddinFeaturing David Odell Harmon

Dreams.

Why are they

So interesting to us and So totally boring to everyone else? Are they not lived experiences?Or is it more like finger paintingOn the inside of your brain? I don’t know.ButI like themAnd I like thinking about them and talking about them.They often feel like…Friends.

This ☝️, via “The Medium is the Massage,” a very smart, bizarre book about how media and technology are warping us all. (And written in 1967!) I also just ordered “Cheap Copies! The Obsolete Press Guide to DIY Hectography, Mimeography & Spirit Duplication,” which is coming to me in the mail via the great people at Half Letter Press soon. Print, print, print. What does that look like in almost-2023? What is valuable to you? I hang on to postcards sent by friends, cool handmade cards, art projects I made in fifth grade. I definitively do not hang on to all of the bank statements and medical bills I still get mailed to me, despite repeatedly making known my desire for “paperless.” *Le sigh*

Speaking of print: I’ll be sending out a round of Christmas printed goodies to subscribers in the coming weeks. If you’d like to get in on that action, consider becoming a paid subscriber. Or consider giving someone else a gift subscription. Tis the season! 🎶✨

**

Illustration: Shannon ColónAudio mixing + music: Chloe Riley

My friend and I got to go to Disneyland together recently, and it was probably the most fun I’ve had in years. It was that feeling: when you somehow land the gift of this thing you had no idea you needed. Sheer, rip-roaring, all-day fun. The kind of fun that you sip on long after the day has passed.

I think the other joy, outside of riding the coasters and licking up the pineapple whips, was the privilege of being with a friend for a full day, just the two of us. Making discoveries together, being in each other’s rhythms. And screaming at the top of our lungs, over and over again, at the electricity of the unknown.

It was, needless to say, a very good day.

A chanced-upon sand smiley face. My friend added the hair.

What does it meanTo miss a connection?Was it always there and you just didn’t see it? Is it a fantasy? An invention? A one-way street?Or is it something more than that.A hope. A wish. A vision of life that turns out magically.A new world where you’re holding hands, strolling the streets. Waiting for what life will throw at you. Together.

**

Illustration: Shannon ColónAudio mixing: Chloe Riley

These small moments. Like pressing your face up against the glass: you can see them, but you have to look hard, have to make the room to see them, have to fog up the mirror and breathe them into life.

One small moment for me: Walking through the square in my town and seeing the bulbs being planted. Like staring next spring straight in the face.What are…

Your small moments?

Illustration: Shannon ColónAudio mixing: Chloe Riley

Hi, welcome back. 👋 Thanks for being here. Thanks for listening. 🎶

I’ve been noticing in myself, in creating a new season, that there’s an idea about how it “should” go. About how it went in the past, how it it’s supposed to be now, how it can be in the future.

I don’t have as much time to spend on it. On the newsletter, on episodes. I keep asking myself: “Is that bad? Good?” Different. It feels different.

And it also feels new.

“Is this the learning?”

Illustration: Shannon ColónAudio mixing + music: Chloe Riley