The Anxious Morning

The back door spike is what we call it you start to worry that you’re not “anxious enough” about your intrusive or unwanted thoughts ...

Isn’t self care meditation and tea and quiet music in the early morning light? Isn’t it gentle and calm and soothing?

Evidently, not always.

It’s 5:40 AM on a Thursday morning in mid October, 2022 ...

Why am I ranting a bit this morning about something I’ve already ranted about quite a few times? If you are getting frustrated because you’ve been trying to “accept” and “cope” at the same time so that things don’t hit the “too much” level, you are likely seeing very slow or no progress. You may see progress for a few days then feel like its instantly shattered when all that coping doesn’t work. I’m ranting because I hate to see people calling themselves broken or incapable because they’re making technical errors.

When it comes to recovery, be a generalist, not a specialist. Don’t focus on learning to drive while anxious. Focus on learning how to get better at being anxious whenever that pops up. Take the context out of the equation and stop at the first part of the question. That’s the part that leads us out of the woods!

“How do you handle anxiety …. Anywhere?”

Things change. Our perceptions change. Our motivations change. Contexts change. Our reactions and our internal experiences change from hour to hour and day to day. This is how things work.

Everybody is different. Everything is different. All. The. Time.

Why does this matter in the context of anxiety recovery? ...

Every once in a while someone will ask me how I can be around anxious people all the time, talking and writing about anxiety all the time, and going back to school to become a therapist, without becoming anxious myself. It’s an interesting question, and a really good question, so let me answer it here this morning.

The short answer is no. This does not in any way make me anxious. But let me qualify that.

“My problem is that I’m am empath.”

Another one of those statements that I’ve heard again and again over the years. Let’s talk about the idea that other people’s anxiety and emotions must automatically impact yours or that you have no choice but to be anxious because other people around you feel things or show things.

Let me propose another definition of what being empathic means.

Doing hard things is … well … hard. There are a few things that can make this even harder than it already is. One of those things is low self-esteem or a negative self-image ...

We’re going to get a little meta today on The Anxious Morning. Consider this edition of the newsletter a bit of a basic instruction manual on how to use the material that I - and others that sound like me - produce on a daily basis.

Let me start by acknowledging that when you are afraid, confused, and lost, it’s totally understandable that you will be desperate to get immediate answers that address the things you care most about RIGHT NOW. You are suffering in a moment, so you want to address the specifics of that moment right away. Who has time to read books, go through old newsletter editions, or listen to podcasts? You just want instructions on how to feel better right now.

I get this. If you find yourself in this state, you are not doing anything wrong. You’re just doing what frightened people do. It’s OK.

That being said, trying to address immediate fear hour-by-hour or day-by-day is not really a great plan. Unfortunately, none of the recovery process is about feeling better. It’s definitely not about feeling better on demand or immediately.

Continually trying to feel better and squash fears and symptoms as they happen is not really recovery. That’s management, and I’m never here to teach anyone how to just manage anxiety.

Recovery is about learning to BE better. Better at experiencing the full range of human experiences including fear or big emotions. Better at finding and displaying courage, resolve, and commitment. Better at believing in yourself and your ability to be OK even in the face of discomfort or adversity.

Recovery isn’t about feeling better. Recovery is about getting better at feeling.

Now that I’ve tossed out a few quote-worthy lines, what does this all mean? Well it means that if you really want to make progress and move beyond just trying to manage your anxiety and your fear, you have to start thinking long term. You have to start focusing on the actual goals of recovery rather than just trying to frantically fix things on the fly as they happen.

This means taking time to actually learn what’s going on. Understanding this new approach to anxiety and fear. Getting familiar with the concepts of recovery and the principles that form common threads that we see across all fears, contexts and challenges. This means taking the time to learn and understand that driving anxiety and heart anxiety are the same thing. Does that last line sound ridiculous to you? If it does, then you’re going to want to start to take some time to read, listen, and learn rather than just asking questions based on what you’re worried about in any given moment.

There are, as of this writing, over 225 episodes of The Anxious Truth Podcast. There are now 180 editions of The Anxious Morning newsletter and podcast. There are three books that I’ve written on this topic. More than 600 pages of information. I’ve covered the basics of just about every recovery concept, and I’ve done it in multiple formats and probably multiple times over the last however many years.

Is this a lot of information to go through? It sure is. Will it take time and effort to go through it and digest it? It will. But just like going to therapy is a good use of your time and energy, so is actually taking advantage of all the psychoeducational material that’s already sitting there, answering the questions you have and laying things out for you. I know you don’t want to go listen to old podcast episodes or read books. You want tips on “how to deal with” right now. But the way to “deal” is all laid out for you in most of the material that already exists. It’s just not the way you were hoping for.

I think I can speak for a few of my friends here too. You know the cast of characters that I regularly collaborate with. Josh Fletcher. Kim Quinlan. Lauren Rosen. Joanna Hardis. Jenna Overbaugh. If you add up all the material we’ve produced it would probably reach halfway to the moon. Go use it. Take advantage. Not all of it is free, but I think it’s safe to say that at least 90% of it is.

“But that’s a lot of reading and listening, Drew. Can’t you just give me tips for how to handle feeling like I can’t breathe?”

I already did. Probably ten different ways. And the information I’ve already produced usually goes well beyond just your current concern. It ties it into those over-arching principles and concepts that guide the long term recovery process.

I’ve written and spoken before about being an active participant in your recovery. This is one way you can do that. Take the time. Accept that you have to start to look at the long game, not just minute-by-minute management. Then get to work. Read. Listen. Digest. Think. Then, by all means, ask questions about what you’ve read, heard, or watched. I’m happy to answer them if at all possible.

That will take some time and effort on your part. But I’ve put in quite a bit of time and effort on my end because I think you are worth it.

Don’t you think that too?

“The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you'll go.” - Dr. Seuss

Every Friday I’ll share one of my favorite quotes. They’ll often have direct application in recovery, but sometimes they’re just generally funny, inspiring, or thought-provoking.  I hope you enjoy them.

“Recovery.” The word implies restoration to a former state. But what if you have no recollection of a time when anxiety wasn’t your constant, familiar companion? Without a reference point, is recovery possible?