The Anxious Morning

Sometimes we hear the term self-parenting talked about in the context of recovery. I wanted to take this morning to give you an example of where I think it is perfectly applied, and an example of how I think it can often be misinterpreted in our context.

Sometimes we are faced with two hard choices. No matter what which we pick, we will be challenged. Recognize that you have made at least a part-time job out of never being challenged, so your fear will magnify this situation and make it into the worst possible thing that can happen to you. Distortion. It’s a thing.

When forced to “pick your hard”, ask yourself which of the two hard things is better in terms of moving forward toward the goal of recovery? When possible, pick that one, but do not forget that it WILL be a challenge. Expect that ...

Here we are at the end of September, so it’s time for another guest post on The Anxious Morning. Today we have some words of wisdom from my friend and collaborator Joanna Hardis. Joanna is a therapist specializing in treating anxiety orders, and she’s pretty awesome. Let’s hear what she has to say on the subject of tolerating distress and discomfort.

Over the last two months or so I had the pleasure of watching one of our friends take on a big recovery challenge and life event, then execute an almost textbook plan for how to expand their comfort zone to meet that challenge. It was really amazing.

This person saw where they were, saw where they needed to get, then mapped out all the steps needed to bridge that gap. It was pretty impressive. But a plan, even a detailed plan, is worthless if it isn’t executed.

The biggest key to our friend’s success over these couple of months leading to this big event was being consistent. Doing exposures every day. Knowing that in order to hit the goal, each of the steps along the way had to be hit and practiced, even on crappy days where this person did not feel so great and especially immediately after the “hard days”. The days that come after “hard days” are pivot points and milestone days in recovery. We often have no idea at the time, but those are the days that teach us the most valuable lessons.

Let me be clear. This person did not power through things like illness or extreme fatigue. This was not an exercise in being “hardcore” or driving themselves into the ground to prove something. There was rest when needed. I believe there were a few days off due to some medical/physical issues. That’s totally OK. It happens. We are allowed to be human.

But in the end our friend did not give in to the strong desire to retreat and do things like taking “self care days” that were really just reasons to back away from scary things. Our friend kept going, kept their eyes on each little goal along the way, and slowly and consistently checked all the boxes they had on their list. Hell, I even saw this person do some pretty big exposures, then declare they they wanted to not only repeat them but expand on them because, “Just getting there isn’t enough. I have to stay there.”

I also watched this person smash two other pretty big goals as SECONDARY things while working on the the main thing.

Brilliant.

Today we’re talking about being consistent and doing the work every day. And where did this wind up for our friend? It wound up with feelings of pride, happiness, and a sense of accomplishment that were able exist and actually shine through even when still feeling anxious. It wound up with an increased sense of competence and a bolstered feeling of confidence. Consistency helped to teach the lessons we talk about all the time in these parts. Consistency was really the glue that held it all together and turned a plan into an actual success.

Rest when tired. Take care of yourself when you need to. But also don’t run, don’t retreat, and do the work consistently without treating yourself as fragile by default. You will learn things this way. What will you learn? I’ll let our friend tell you.

“I think the one thing that’s changed in the last four weeks is my belief that I can cope with the symptoms and that they won’t harm me is growing a lot as traveling further is becoming slightly easier.”

Well will you look at that. Exactly as designed, through consistency.

Have you listened to this week’s episode of The Anxious Truth podcast? Check it out out on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music, or my website and YouTube channel.

I can not tell you how many times people ask me for instructions on how to do the right thing when they panic so that they can “calm down”.

Here is a thing that you need to hear even if you don’t want to hear it.

Stop trying to damn hard to calm down. You’re making things worse.

... Yet this morning, at the end of an insanely busy, exhausting, stressful week, I sat and cried for a few minutes and it was a good thing. It was a natural release of things that needed to be released. It was OK ...

Music Credit

Cavalleria rusticana: Intemezzo sinfonico

Performed by: Herbert von Karajan, Orchestra De Teatro Alla Scala, Milano, Pietro Mascagni

Written by: Giovanni Targioni-Tozzetti, Guido Menasci, Pietro Mascagni

Produced by: Hand Weber

Source: Deutche Grammophon (DG)

Months back I promised that I would circle back and cover common cognitive distortions from time to time on The Anxious Morning. Today we’re going to look at one of my favorite cognitive distortions. Emotional reasoning.

Emotional reasoning is what we call it when you use your emotional state to judge or evaluate yourself or the world around you.

“I understand that anxiety can’t hurt me but I wish I could get my brain to believe that.”

If I had a nickel for every time I heard someone say that, I’d have a lot of nickels. Here’s the thing about believing things that don’t make sense. You rarely if ever believe them until you act as if you do believe them.

Yoga. Yes, it’s a thing. So is Tai Chi. So are hiking, taking walks, lifting weights, running, swimming, dancing, stretching, and massage. All things. Good things!

Are they good for anxiety? Are they good for recovery? The answer to that is … they absolutely can be, but these are not magic activities.

Last week we talked about the fact that you can’t just decide to not care about your anxiety and how it feels. Today I want to touch on a related idea. The idea of ignoring your anxiety. I think many people are misinterpreting this, so let’s spend a few minutes in an attempt to get some clarity here.

I really don’t like using the word ignore when it comes to anxiety, but many people are hearing that anyway, so let’s examine it.