(I’m still working on sound quality with audio…thank you for your glorious patience!)
John Cleese once said that the greatest fear of the English is embarrassment.
I’ve collected some hardcore qualifications in the Art of Squirming. Floofing up. Wanting the ground to swallow me whole.
When your personality is one part open-hearted extrovert, one part deeply sensitive introvert, it’s like oil and water, the elements don’t combine together so well. I’m essentially a walking contradiction and it can make for quite an uncomfortable, confusing existence. Can you relate?
Invisibility was my defence mechanism throughout life, honed to perfection in my former high-control belief system - and yet I was someone who was, who is, innately so full of self expression.
Plus, following one’s heart was deemed dangerous in my former belief system. Living fully from the heart? This was a fantasy for me. Friendship with those outside of one’s community was seen as something to be wary of. So many complex layers.
So much of life became about suppression, keeping to “safe” territory, and avoiding risk.
“Some birds are not meant to be caged, that's all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So you let them go,…and the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices,…”
That is my favourite quote from The Shawshank Redemption. The funny thing is, when we fly free or drop ourselves in any arena requiring visibility we are not necessarily met with rejoicing. We open ourselves up to everything from criticism to cynicism to crickets and everything in between.
Fear of embarrassing ourselves, of judgement, or getting it wrong, it runs so, so deep, doesn’t it?
I can coach people on the craft of public speaking—how to pause for impact, use gestures, and the finesse of storytelling. The importance of pitch, pace and power. But do you know what is harder to learn in my opinion? How to speak and live from the heart. Being our truest selves.
NLP and meditation help with this because this an inside job.
And let’s face it, we English aren’t great at it. We bury ourselves in our cups of tea (or G&T!), and laugh off vulnerability with a self-deprecating quip.
“And what is healing exactly? It is the process of coming to terms with everything you've ever said, done, or experienced, so that you can love all parts of yourself. And there is no one on earth who does not need to go through that process.” - Anne Tucker
Oh Lordy, no wonder we shy away from going within. So much embarrassing stuff hiding away! And I tend to garner new things on the daily.
The Art of Failing Forwards
Last Monday, I decided to follow my heart—and succeeded in spectacularly embarrassing myself. Here’s what happened:
Whilst enjoying brunch at my mum’s I learned that Paddy McGuinness was cycling 300 miles from Wales to Scotland on a Raleigh Chopper bike for charity- Children in Need. For context, I cycle around on an old lady’s style, two gear bicycle, so I got what an incredible feat this was.
Thanks to a tracking app it was evident he was currently on the ferry across The Mersey just a few miles away from me. I had a clear diary for the afternoon, it was a beautiful day, and I thought how nice it would be to go cycle alongside him. Surely there would be loads doing the same thing, cheering him on?
I’m profoundly moved by anyone who meets the deepest, darkest parts of their soul to achieve something great. This past four years, I’ve pushed out of so many comfort zones and boxes, and I’ve ran the London Marathon, twice, after a lifetime of disability and poor health. All of the emotions live in a challenge like that and I know how truly appreciative I was of every person that cheered me on.
So honestly? I don’t care if you are the King of England or the bloke who runs to the corner shop in his pj’s and slippers, I’m here to cheer on anyone wanting to achieve the seemingly impossible. Anyone daring to dream and to dream Big.
I arrived at the ferry terminal on my Bobbin Birdy bicycle festooned with fairy lights and faux autumn leaves, (not for Paddy, that’s just how I roll 😁🪄🍂).
I noted several chaps circling on their own Choppers, others clad in Lycra - that screamed “Proper Cyclist.”
I started to converse with one of the men on a chopper. “Are we going to cycle alongside him?” I chimed out.
We all clearly wanted to be involved but something was holding us back.
“I’ve got to get back”, he replied. Get back to where, I never found out.
Chopper man told me his bike had been his little girl’s many moons ago and had since been hung on the wall. That morning, he’d lifted it out of retirement to show support.
Suddenly Paddy and his support team were off and I managed a feeble: “C’mon Paddy, you got this!”
Because fear of getting told off, or getting in trouble, or doing something not allowed looms so large for me on account of my past (and sometimes not even consciously), I lost any kind of courage to go cycling after him.
I started to cycle home along the dock road. It was a beautiful, autumnal day, I had Coldplay’s latest album for company and I was grateful to be out moving my body.
Somewhere past the Titanic Hotel, I realised that Paddy and his team were cycling parallel to me, along Vauxhall Road. I couldn’t believe it.
Summoning every ounce of courage, ‘Now’s my chance,’ I thought. ‘I’m going to cheer this man and his crazy feat on!’
I shot up one of the side roads and cycled like a bat out of hell to catch him up. Sweat pouring, I finally find myself alongside him. I’m on the pavement and he’s on the road.
Rather than explain what happened next, you can watch me telling the story at an event called “F**k Up Nights” last Thursday evening:
😬🫠I conclude the above by saying that perhaps the most surprising turn in the tale is that the following day saw me want to curl up in a foetal position, hiding under the duvet. I’d followed my heart, embarrassed myself in the process and now felt the deeply rooted shame of a lifetime. My inner critics gobbling on an absolute feast.
Living from an open heart can do that. It can bring in a Vulnerability Hangover faster than you can cycle a Raleigh Chopper uphill.
And here’s the kicker: we will always find evidence to back-up what we believe about ourselves.
Lessons in Living From the Heart
If I could have a do-over, I’d have simply cycled alongside in silent solidarity to a human being doing something extraordinary. No need for awkward exchanges and Reiki infused power thought cards! 😂
It had been foolish and the guilt I felt afterwards was a tsunami of energy to work through. And yet it had come from the very best part of me.
When we show up, follow our heart’s nudges, live from an open heart center I guarantee it will be messy at times. We’ll fall off our bikes, floof up, we will nurse a broken sense of self. Squirm. And yet, call me foolish but I believe it means we are doing something right.
I finished my impromptu speech above with one of my favourite quotes by Oscar Wilde: “To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”
Asking that cute stranger if they’d like to go out for a coffee may end in a moment of rejection.
Getting up on the dance floor may provoke laughter.
Shouting out that compliment to someone we don’t know may not be met with the warm&fuzzy reaction we’d hoped for.
Giving the speech may lead to tumbleweed.
“Life is very fleeting. I've learned that. It has moments you should seize.” Mrs Pretty - The Dig
It’s not a given we’ll wake up in the morning.
On our deathbed will we be languishing in cringey flashbacks? Or will we be grateful for the messy, glorious attempt to live? I reckon we’ll be so thankful for every moment of it.
Say YES to the embarrassment - for it is proof of LIFE.
Do things differently. Let’s make it count.
Now go, be Magic! 🪄
Love you,
Suzy x
Thank you for reading my ramblings. If you enjoyed, can I ask a favour? Please Subscribe for free. It helps me more than you can know and what’s more I do a l’il happy dance for every new Subscriber.
This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suzyrowlands.substack.com
