Are you struggling with a fear of death or constantly thinking about your own mortality? In this episode of The Aspiring Psychologist Podcast, Clinical Psychologist Dr Marianne Trent explores death anxiety also known as thanatophobia and why some people experience an intense fear of dying or non-existence.
We discuss how childhood experiences, trauma, attachment, and even parenting styles can contribute to anxiety around death. You'll also learn about how therapy can help, including evidence-based approaches like Terror Management Theory, Existential Therapy, and Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT).
Whether you’re a mental health professional, a student, or someone experiencing these fears yourself, this episode offers practical insight, psychological understanding, and compassionate support for navigating fear of death. #deathanxiety #thanatophobia
Highlights
- 00:00 – Introduction: Why talk about death anxiety?
- 02:03 – What is death anxiety, and how does it present?
- 04:21 – Childhood experiences and early realisations of mortality
- 07:30 – The connection between trauma and fear of death
- 09:52 – Avoidance behaviours and obsessive checking
- 11:40 – Personal reflections: losing loved ones at a young age
- 13:55 – Parenting styles and how they shape our relationship with death
- 16:50 – Death anxiety in OCD, health anxiety, and phobias
- 19:18 – Cultural influences and how we learn to fear death
- 21:00 – When death anxiety spikes: ageing, parenthood, and illness
- 23:43 – The idea of legacy: wanting to leave something behind
- 26:04 – What helps? An overview of therapeutic approaches
- 28:30 – How Compassion-Focused Therapy can soothe existential fear
- 30:14 – What not to say to someone experiencing death anxiety
- 32:10 – Supporting yourself and others through gentle curiosity
- 34:00 – Wrapping up: You’re not alone in feeling this way
📚 Book Titles Mentioned and Associated Authors
- The Hunger Games – Suzanne Collins https://amzn.to/3GCq2aU (Referenced while discussing the newest prequel focusing on Haymitch. https://amzn.to/44rcDvG)
- The Grief Collective – by Dr Marianne Trent https://amzn.to/40dLqtH
- Love’s Executioner – Irvin D. Yalom https://amzn.to/3GwE5io (Described as formative reading during clinical training.)
- Staring at the Sun: Overcoming the Terror of Death – Irvin D. Yalom https://amzn.to/3Ik7igW (Explicitly named as relevant to death anxiety.)
- A Matter of Death and Life – Irvin D. Yalom and Marilyn Yalom https://amzn.to/4kviGnq
- The Gift Of Therapy - Irvin Yalom https://amzn.to/4lRbenX Mentioned in relation to Yalom’s reflections after his wife’s passing.)
Links:Dr Marianne Trent (00:00):
What if I told you that your fear of death might be quietly shaping your choices, your relationships, even your worldview? In today's episode, we are diving into the psychology of death, anxiety, what it is, how often it crops up, and what happens when it starts to interfere with daily life. Whether you've ever had a passing fear of dying or you find yourself avoiding the topic completely, you're not alone. And the good news, there are always ways to find more peace and to work through this and stick around right to the end because we are sharing a top tip for thinking about your own mortality and helping you to have more control. Hope you find it super useful. If you do, please like and subscribe for more.
(00:46):
Hi, welcome along to the Aspiring Psychologist Podcast. I am Dr. Marianne, a qualified clinical psychologist. Thank you for being here. And if you are watching on YouTube, please do bear in mind that currently only 11.2% of you are subscribed to the channel. Please do come along and subscribe to my channel, Dr. Marianne Trent, and watch the content, like engage, comment, get involved, because it really does help me to create bigger and better content and to secure bigger and better guests so that you get more from this podcast too. And following a show or subscribing to a YouTube channel really is the kindest thing you can do for any creator that you rate. So if you're not already following the show on your favourite podcast platform, please do. Okay. With no further ado, let's dive in. Meet our guest for today, Tia and I will see you on the other side. Hi Tia, welcome along to the podcast. It's lovely to have you here.
Tia Urgasova (01:44):
Thank you so much for having me. Hello Marianne and everyone,
Dr Marianne Trent (01:48):
Thank you for being here. So we are thinking today about where you are right now, which is that you are an end stage trainee clinical psychologist who yesterday completed her Viva and past. Congratulations. And we are thinking about specifically your research today, which is on death anxiety. Is that right?
Tia Urgasova (02:11):
Yes, that's right.
Dr Marianne Trent (02:13):
Amazing. So what is death anxiety?
Tia Urgasova (02:17):
I mean, death anxiety really is the fear or the unease about our own death or the dying process. And this can show up as worry of losing control or the unknown. Most of us don't know what's going to happen after we pass and kind of what happens after life. And it can be a quite common thing as well. Of course some people experience at some point, but we don't really talk about it very much. So that's kind of where the research stemmed from.
Dr Marianne Trent (02:45):
So we're not necessarily thinking specifically about people who might have a palliative diagnosis or who think that they might not live as long as people around them. We're thinking about the general Dawson's Creek style existential ponderings of our own mortality. Is that right?
Tia Urgasova (03:05):
That's exactly right, yes. I mean, it's the one thing in life that is inevitable to all of us, and that's exactly what the thesis focused on.
Dr Marianne Trent (03:13):
Okay, absolutely. Can you tell us a bit more about your thesis then and the Terror Management theory? What is that?
Tia Urgasova (03:22):
Yeah, of course. So Terror Management Theory is a psychological theory that really tries to explain how we cope with the knowing that we will one day die. And terror management theory states that because we're the only aware animal that's aware of their mortality, it's quite unique and hence the term terror, because if we went through our life day-to-day just thinking about the fact that we will want has cease to exist, that is quite terrifying to think about. But the terror management theory states that basically we'll build up systems to buffer this terror, this fear, this death anxiety that we have. And we do this through systems like our culture, our personal values and relationships that act as buffers in a way. And these buffers give us a sense of meaning. They help us feel secure so that the death anxiety doesn't overwhelm us. It's a bit like having an emotional toolkit for that death awareness.
Dr Marianne Trent (04:13):
Okay. So terror management theory, TMT, is that something that's your own baby or is that already in the literature?
Tia Urgasova (04:22):
Oh no, that's been in the literature since I want to say the eighties. It was three social psychologists who came up with this theory and it really started this idea of why do we need self-esteem? And that's kind of what I've already touched upon in terms of these buffers. So self-esteem help us buffer certain difficulties, and one of those difficulties is the awareness that we may one day die. If we are living up to our worldview or our values, then it gives us a sense of meaning that we are life is worthwhile, that we are worthwhile people, and that then buffers that the things I do for self-esteem.
Dr Marianne Trent (04:53):
Okay, so if things are going wrong and we have high feelings about our own mortality, what might we be seeing in ourselves or perhaps in someone we care about or someone that we work with clinically?
Tia Urgasova (05:08):
Well, I mean I think a lot of us fear death anyway because it's a big unknown. Our brains try to keep us safe. It's a big don't get eaten machine. So it's normal to have these thoughts pop into our mind or to have reminders day to day. You may see a scene on TV or hear about someone's passing, and that does trigger these thoughts of mortality or reflection on life in ourselves. But normally we are pretty good at buffering those thoughts, like I said, through those mechanisms. But for some people, they may have not had the opportunity to develop the buffers as well as others. For example, this could be from things like early loss, trauma, insecure attachment styles. So a lot of the things that we see in people who also develop mental health difficulties, those early childhood adverse experiences, and when we don't have those buffers or perhaps we manage our mortality in a way that's not productive or not helping us, it can, or the literature at least says that it can definitely lead to an increase in mental health difficulties. The reschedule also states that the anxiety can be a trans diagnostic factor across different mental health disorders,
Dr Marianne Trent (06:17):
And it does crop up more than you might imagine. So I dunno if you've ever read any of the Hunger Games books, but I'm reading the new one at the moment, the one that was published in 2025, and it's focusing in on Hamit, who in the first Hunger Games is Kane's kind of mentor, but it's focusing in on his story when he was in the Hunger Games. And it's interesting, one of the participants is kind of saying, actually, my hope is that I will die quickly and that my family won't have to watch this protracted, horrific death. And that's almost like hoping for that good death that we sometimes speak about. But obviously in a game show, a good death is perhaps different than the millionaire's death, which I think you've spoken about, which is lying in a bed when you are a hundred surrounded by people that you love.
(07:08):
That's kind of sometimes thought of as a millionaire's death. And then of course, squid games as well. Squid games is around in our culture currently. I've just literally finished season three yesterday, a bit disappointed actually. But yeah, thinking about people's death and whether that's quite a violent death or whether it's something actually that we hope we will live till our older years, we hope that we will, I guess, hit some of those milestones that are different for each of us, but certainly for many people might include finding a life partner or maybe having children or not having children or starting a business or making a success of your career, making yourself proud, making others proud. There's certain things that we might want to do, some people might want to go on and become a grandparent or just those self-imposed life goals. And is it measuring ourselves up to how well we feel we have or haven't measured up to those goals that leads to us having this terror response?
Tia Urgasova (08:22):
Yeah, I think you're absolutely right there. So what the research also states, and I think what you've started to describe here, we have different ways of dealing with our mortality and of course we have different worldview. So for example, if we take religion into account, of course that kind of gives us a quite nice framework to work from and sets out if you do certain things, you will have a good life or perhaps you will go to heaven or be reincarnated after life. And then outside of religion, we can also think about these other ways of buffering other anxiety through what we call symbolic or literal immortality and what you've described of having a life partner, having children in a way that kind of buffers the death anxiety because our legacy lives on so we can live on through our children, through our family. So in a way that is a really nice buffer to have. But I think what you are also describing is right in terms of if you value family and closeness relationships in your life and you are finding that you are meeting those values or those goals in your life, then that does increase your self-esteem, or at least that's of the research the literature states.
Dr Marianne Trent (09:28):
And it is strange, isn't it? I don't think my grandfather would've been ready to die. Is that an okay thing to say? Ready to die 80. He spent his 90th birthday on his shed roof fixing it. So he was very much not what you'd expect for your average 90-year-old. He died when he was 95, but he was so done by then. He was ready. He would say, my wife died, my girlfriend died, all of my friends have died. And in my book, the Grief Collective, Dave, one of the contributors thinks about the tree of life, the family tree. And actually as we grow, rather than looking up for our family connections, we begin to have to look across. But then ultimately that might not be enough either, and we have to start looking down. And even if we don't have our own children, it might be that we're looking down to our nephews or our nieces or our cousin's children. And if being part of a family is important to you, then you almost need to readjust your gaze because I speak to you as the daughter of one living parent, and it does just alter things. And yet I definitely have experienced more of the sideways connections. And it is a very strange existential. Dawson's Creek is for me, my first grounding in existential angst. And it's what I come back to time and time again, which probably isn't a very popular cultural reference these days, but it's a whole process, isn't it?
Tia Urgasova (11:16):
Yeah, definitely. And I think when we are going through such a big change, perhaps if we lose a close family member, we may need to adjust and think about where I am in life now. How can I meet those if family and relationships are important to do, which for so many of us, they are think about how can I adjust? And actually if you feel like you're not able to adjust, or perhaps as a society we don't really speak about these things, perhaps with family, sometimes we do. Or when there's an event like that that happens, we do speak about it, but not so much day to day. And I think it can be a bit of a shame because where do people need support for that go? And of course therapy is a fantastic opportunity to think about it, but even as clinical psychologists, we're not often trained in how to have these conversations outside of people going through palliative care. And I think that's when the difficulties can come up. If you're trying to adjust, but not having the right support around the adjustment to death and reflecting even on your own mortality, then we can start to mismanage those fears.
Dr Marianne Trent (12:22):
And actually clinically it might crop up more than we think it does. But if we haven't kept digging, and then what, then especially with OCD, if you keep digging, keep digging, keep digging, keep then and then what you often will get to, well, I worry that I'm going to die and it's going to be horrendous and it will be painful and it will be preventable. And everyone will say, well, you could have done this or should have done that. And so actually, like you said, I think it does crop up, but we haven't always got, like you said, exactly, we haven't got the training or the skills to be able to grapple with that or that it doesn't feel clinical enough. Absolutely. In the services with the access thresholds we have currently, if it's...
