This was brutal. Colton got duped. Chris got ditched. The Bach Boys got heartbroken. :(

Also, The Boys tell all! :)

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We don’t know what’s going to happen to Colton but it’s not going to be good. Colton has found himself in a remarkably terrible position leading into the final three. Not just because his remaining suitors are any combination of phony/too young/boring/not ready to get married, but because he is himself and he also may be any combination of all of those things. But he’s still charming and semi-handsome so that’s good. Fingers crossed!

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Where do we begin? What do we say? How do we say whatever it is we think of when we think of where to begin? The structure of this week's Bachelor episode was as all over the place as that last sentence, featuring a pseudo 2 on 1 the likes of which we've never seen! Also Colton is rapidly losing credibility with every passing second. So, whatever.

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Colton literally said goodbye to any remaining woman who did not “spark joy”. He’s getting really serious about getting engaged, or at least that’s what ABC has tricked him into thinking. *Sigh* It’s just a bummer the poor guy can’t enjoy a day of his vacay without getting insulted and manipulated. A toast, to young love!

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It was a gross week in Thailand! Ladies ate bugs. There was some romantic stuff too though! Some women are falling in love, and Colton’s having milestone moments with many of his suitors. But also girls ate bugs, and some ladies’ constant bickering is ruing Colton’s vacation one mudsling at a time!

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This week, Colton's Ladies broke new ground in terms of The Bachelor Nation's capacity for conflict resolution, while The Bach Boys only find themselves in an ever-widening series of interpersonal struggles with ruthless internet moguls, jaded former fans, and even themselves. Also Demi is super cool.

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Ugh! Pageant drama in the house?? POOR COLTON! He’s just here to have fun and these gosh darn contestants can’t just reel in their feelings and let the poor guy enjoy his vacation/thinly veiled attempt at finding a life partner?? How rude! *all The Bach Boys cross their arms in unison and pout*

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Surprise, surprise!! A milquetoast second outing for Colton's sexual awakening or whatever ABC wants us to think this whole thing is? Good thing Onyeka likes to play life guard because Hannah B. really took a nosedive this week! And other stuff. #GetPlugged in to Episode 2 of your favorite Boy-rockin’ Bachelor Podcast! Keep on rockin’, boys! And don’t forget to scream!

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The Bach Boys are back and more “Anti” than ever! Colton’s no good and 30 victims are about to learn that over the course of the next 10 weeks. In spite of an over 3.3% chance of becoming Colton’s “person”, we’re clinging to the hope that our favorite ladies can be spared from a No Good Terrible Very Bad Life. With any luck, Colton will get himself stuck with a No Good Terrible Very Bad Wife.

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Well, that concludes Season 3 (Sub-Season 9) of The Bach Boys! What a ride!! And big ups to you, Audio Listeners, for sticking it out on the world's number one rated Bachelor podcast on the internet in the world! We do it for you and your support means everything to us, so thanks!! Take care, and see you next season!