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In this episode, we explore anchors and anchoring, a simple to complex process in NLP designed to change our moods and states. Discussed are the different types of anchors, stimulus-response, how anchors work, the importance of anchors, the use of kinesthetic anchors for change, and where to start. Included is an example of a collapsed reality: adding a resource to a problem experience.

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It seems you can lead the horse to water and it will drink!  You need patience! Patience is what is necessary to influence and persuade: taking people's maps into new territories.

Matching, pacing, and leading are foundational concepts in NLP, crucial for establishing rapport, understanding another person’s model of the world, and guiding them towards desired outcomes. It’s an important part of many NLP methods and processes, and can often be the key skill to making those processes effective. It’s also a very effective stand-alone tool for enhancing our own communication ability. BUT most people think of the mechanics of MPL, rather than MPL as an art.

MPL is a critical and basic skill that communication is based on. No one is going anywhere if you aren't good at matching and pacing.

Key Points:

·       Matching, Pacing, and Leading work together

·       If you lead too quickly or too strongly, you can lose rapport and will need to reestablish it through matching and pacing.

·       You can match, pace, and lead someone in a brief interaction or over a series of longer interactions.

·       You can apply these concepts with your friends and family, work relationships, sales interactions, consulting work, presentations, coaching, therapy, etc.

·       Doing this successfully can reduce resistance to new ideas and perspectives, increase choice, and help us and others get what we want more easily.

The podcast also describes an exercise to help strengthen your skills. 

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Many people find that as they move through life that they have to shift gears…a new job, a new career, family, divorce, move. Many people are looking for that “new path” when they study NLP.

 As we prepare for these shifts, a great way to start is to develop a set of presuppositions and guiding questions to steer the change. This will ensure that the change will stay in place. This is the step before any planning or goal setting, or even belief changes.

This episode is a 5-step process to help you develop these presuppositions and guiding questions.

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NLP for Emotional Regulation

What is Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is the capacity to recognize, understand, and navigate your emotions and those of others. It includes Self-Awareness, Emotional Regulation, Motivation, Empathy, and Social Skills.

What is Emotional Regulation?

Emotional Regulation (ER) is a component of EQ  strategies for managing their intensity and expression and intentionally creating emotional states you want. ER skills give you greater choice over your emotional experience.

NLP provides a variety of simple, effective, and unique methods and strategies for achieving this.

Why is ER Important?

ER is important because so much of our human experience involves our emotional states. Having the right emotional state for a situation can help us perform better. 

NLP Methods for Regulating Emotions

Learning NLP

4-Tuple

Anchoring

 Submodality Changes

 Swish Patterns

 Break State- pattern interrupt

 Meta Model

Modeling: sit up straight, smile, look up.

Reframing

Acting as if – one of the foundational pillars of NLP

Pleasant Emotional States

Intentionally experiencing and amplifying states such as:

-            Gratitude

-            Appreciation

-            Peace

-            Confidence

-            Curiosity: 

Having access to pleasant/resourceful states can help us maintain physical and emotional health and energize us during difficult situations or periods in our lives.

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The Not-So-Subtle Art of Complaining

Most of us complain, but is it good or bad? What makes it productive or toxic?

Overview of what will be covered: 

•  Common language patterns of complaining
• The benefits and downsides of complaining
• How to shift from chronic complaining 

 The Language of Complaints 

This was discovered by using AI to analyze posts on a social media platform that contained complaints. We then used the NLP Meta Model pattern to refine the search and find the 8 most common language patterns in complaints. Four of the most common patterns fit into the Meta Model, and AI discovered four patterns that are unique to complaining.

Discuss the top 8 common language patterns of complaining​:

•  Negative Personal Attribution (e.g., “He’s rude,” “They’re such idiots.”) Lost Evaluator or Lost Performative
•  Absolute Overgeneralization – Never, Always, Nothing, etc. (“They never listen”) Universal Quantifier 
• Modal Operators – Can’t, Should, Need to (“She should know better.”) 
• Cause/Effect Statements (“Because they lied, I’m mad,” “He’s late again, so it’s pointless now.”)
• Rhetorical Venting Questions - Why and How (“Why are people so annoying?”)
• Hyperbolic Adverbs – Totally, Absolutely, Completely (“This is totally unfair”)
• “Keeps” Phrases - (“She keeps yelling.”  “This keeps happening.”)
• Sarcasm - “Thanks/Good Job” (“Oh, great job!”)

 Recognizing these patterns can help us avoid chronic complaining, lessen its negative impact on ourselves, or better understand how to deal with people who complain to us.

The Positive Side of Complaining 

• Exploring how complaining can be beneficial​:
• One of the NLP presuppositions is “All behavior is useful in some context.”  When does complaining serve a useful purpose? 

The Dark Side of Complaining 

Strategies to Overcome Chronic Complaining in Ourselves 

Key Takeaways:

• Complaining isn’t inherently bad—it depends on the purpose and frequency.
• Recognizing language patterns can help us become more mindful of our complaints.
• Finding balance is key - venting is okay, but chronic negativity is damaging.
• Practical ways to shift from unhelpful complaining to productive problem-solving.

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1.     What is TimeLine? 

A Timeline is a visual, linear experience of how someone codes and stores time. In NLP timeline is a term used to describe how we internally represent time. We internally represent the past, present, and future differently. The concept was originally laid out in the TimeLine Therapy and the Basis of Personality by Tad James and Wyatt Woodsmall. It was a project given to them by Richard Bandler. Timeline can be used to create goal representations as well as heal past traumas.

2.     How can TL be used to establish goals and make them more real and likely to be achieved?

Since the timeline is a visual linear representation of time, putting pictures of goals on the TL can create spatial representations of what and when something might happen. 

 3.     Before using TL for goals establish clear goals and outcomes.

Remember that goal setting and reaching is a process. It is more complex than just creating an image inside your head and saying this is what I want.

The first step is to verbalize your goal in active language (versus passive language). E.g. Make $100,000 in revenue by Dec. 31, 2025. As compared to I want to be able to make …. Or I want to be better at sales. (This is not specific and uses a comparative deletion “better” which makes it difficult for the brain to figure out exactly what you mean.)

Make the statement crisp and clean

Establish what you want using the NLP outcome frame. This helps define details, set a direction, specify contexts, handle ecology, and create a sensory-based representation using all three primary senses. Answer all of the questions in the outcome frame. 

Now you are ready to create a timeline representation of the goal.

 4.     What is the specific process?

Remember that goals usually have action steps. Divide the goal into 3 action steps with time frames.  Now you are ready to place on the timeline. This process works best if you walk the timeline and use spatial anchors.  

Future pacing:

What is the overall time frame for accomplishing this outcome or goal?

Select a concrete goal or project to be accomplished in 12 months; create 3-time chunks between the present and the achievement. Now use the time line to place pictures in sequence. Notice the difference in your feeling of achieving the goal.

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Main Points:

·       Understand the goal-reaching process and what makes goals happen

·       Picture representation of goals for the coming year

·       Construct the boards for optimum effectiveness

·       Well-constructed boards that are ecological, align with values and Include 5 major areas of a person’s life: faith, fitness, family, friends, financial

·       Eyes move easily around

·       These work like magic

·       You can create anything you want and do if you are willing to do the dream and do the work

1st know what you want: written and date-specific

A goal is a picture attached to a feeling: a feeling of already having achieved it.

We think in three different ways –experience is made up of VAKAG

The more senses involved the more likely the goal will manifest 

The visual channel goes into the future – be able to see yourself reading the desired outcome 

Movie, dissociated vs associated

Write goals down – use all three senses

Success = balance

          Anyone can make a lot of money by working 14-16 hours a day and being focused at the expense of other areas of life.  

Success is achieved when a person achieves their desired goals in a balanced

Desire, faith expectancy – in every desire is the seed of its manifestation

Do the work (be involved in the process)

Have faith that the desire will be reached

Goal questions: what skills do I have; what skills do I need?;  how do I get the skills that I need?

Goals: decide what you want, give it attention, take feedback, effortless, expect

Does not achieve – feedback, adjust – may not know the bigger picture

Trust the details will be handled.

Give yourself a periodic reward

Closely timed

Understand what motivates you – what are you getting from this?

Divine discontent

Don’t get ready – get started

When reaching a goal – set a new one at the point of fulfillment

Falling short of a goal is not failure, only feedback.  Many successful people don’t reach goals consistently.  Set high goals to have greater achievement 

Peak performance

3 peak principles of high achievement – John Noe

The boards

 5 areas

Few words

Flowers add life

Appeals to you

Relationships – couples

You may have to override the organization in your mind

Sparkle – Jewelry

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What is Imposter syndrome? Explaining away your accomplishments and success and doubting your abilities

1.     What are common examples of imposter syndrome?

2.     How can you assess if you have imposter syndrome Take the quiz:

Do you chalk your success up to luck, timing, or computer error?
Do you believe that if I can do it, anyone can?

Do you agonize over small flaws in your work?

 Are you crushed by even constructive criticism, seeing it as evidence of your ineptness?

When you succeed, do you feel like you fooled them again?

Do you worry that it’s a matter of time before you’re found out?

3.     What are some statements or excuses often made by people suffering from imposter syndrome? 

4.     Where does I.S. come from?

5.     Mastery vs Performance – Dweck. 

6.     What are some NLP Techniques used to Overcome Imposter Syndrome

Conflict of identities, Belief changes, trauma processes, auditory swishes for neg. Self-talk. Anchoring and resource anchoring, changing the history of a problem (anchoring),  reframing, modeling (understanding the model of success in your field,) meta programs, Foreground, background process - create a strong association between what is most important in the person’s awareness (foreground) and something that they are not attending to (background).

7. Bandura curve – 1st part, beliefs of capability; 2nd part beliefs of identity.

8. In time/ through time 

9.     recap 

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1.     What is important about stories, and metaphors in communication?  When someone studies the great communicators, past and present, they all use metaphors and analogies to illustrate their points. 
Metaphors compare things that are less understandable to familiar things. They create new meanings, make complex ideas understandable, motivate interest, and influence ideas. They create images that people can understand rather than literal words

2.     What is the difference between a story, metaphor, and an analogy? A simple story conveys a description of something. A metaphor communicates two or more levels of meaning. Using metaphors can deliver directly to the unconscious.

3.     How do individual words represent our experience as metaphors?  George Lakoff and Mark Johnson in their book, Metaphors We Live By state, that metaphor is pervasive in everyday life not just in language by also by thought and action. This is the concept system. It is metaphorical in nature. Our concepts structure how we perceive the world around us. Much of our language is metaphors. So we cannot get along by language alone. How we experience our everyday life is metaphorical. Communication is war. Communication is dance. Love is a journey, time is money, love is madness

4.     As one of the most important and overlooked skills in communication, how can we get better at using them in everyday interactions as well as speeches?      Listen to how you use words to describe things in your world. Listen to how others use words to describe their world. Look at situations – what are they like in unrelated areas?  Be more intentional about listening to others. Deeper insight into people. Linking abstract ideas to concrete

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How do we break patterns?

Outcome, outcome, outcome

Remember, that in the NLP model, all experience has structure. When you explore and change the structure, your experience changes, the perception, meaning, and feeling. NLP creates specific changes rather than random, trial-and-error changes. It changes things by adding resources, not taking away anything. 

Our experience and patterns are organized on a hierarchy of neurology from Environment, Behavior, Capability, Belief/Value, Identity, and Spiritual.  Each level organizes the level underneath it. Changes at a higher level will change something underneath it but not necessarily the other way around. It is important to understand what logical level a change needs to take place for the change to be effective and long-lasting. The neuro-levels are important because they are part of a unified field that includes yourself, others' observer positions, and past present, and future. Patterns can be caused at a behavioral level, cap, belief, or identity. Interestingly, people are aware of the patterns they run (or not) but not aware of what causes them.  Changing the cause at the root of the problem will create lasting change and have the change in all three primary channels. 

6-step reframing behaviors, internal dialog, nail-biting, etc can be changed with parts negotiation unless it is on a higher logical level. the lower the level, the more immediate the results, and the higher, the longer the integration because it is unconscious. Anchoring can also change our states, and give us choices, and as a result, a pattern can change. If it works for a while and then comes back, you probably need a change at a higher logical level.

How do we change our beliefs? 

Be aware that most people cannot do their own belief work because beliefs are submerged in our unconscious mind. It takes someone excellent at recognizing patterns, calibration, and asking questions to discover limiting beliefs. 

The first step is knowing what belief to change. This is challenging since beliefs run in packs and are slippery, according to Robert Dilts. They are mostly unconscious, in systems with a core belief that is young and hidden. One approach is to look at the behavior and ask, what do I believe to do this? What do I see hear and feel? What happens just before I start the behavior?  Understand what it does for us, the positive intent and the goal of the intention, what are counterexamples to the belief, and finally, what behavior I want to do and what would I have to believe to do that behavior.  And then, of course, belief statements are simple, they are beliefs, not behaviors, and have no ecological downsides. 

How do we communicate most effectively? 

Simply by speaking to another’s understanding. We communicate the way we understand words. So people who are like us, understand us and people not like us don’t. It limits the number of people we can connect with and promotes a lot of misunderstanding and miscommunication. 

The more we are like a person the more the understanding. 

The skills to engage for excellence in communication: perceptual positions, calibration, sensory awareness, rapport (m and p) and to influence, and lead. Ask questions (curiosity), state management, and control over your own internal dialogue. 

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