The Burt Selleck Podcast

John skips another episode, leaving Alex and Nick to hold things down. Friend of the show EJ Watson calls in from Chicago to talk trash about the Lions, defend the Bears, and question John's place on the podcast.

Nick's online shopping habits lead to a surprisingly detailed discussion about animal-themed lingerie, redheads and their alleged lack of souls, and why men don't have their own version of Victoria's Secret. Along the way, the guys discuss gay culture, generational slang, and the possibility of bringing John back to life Frankenstein-style.

Things wrap up with Nick explaining why he could easily defeat a coyote, Alex questioning his chances against an eagle, and the two inventing a collection of increasingly ridiculous hybrid animals to fight each other.

John discovers a new form of violence that leaves no bruises, Alex tries to figure out how anyone knows it’s the same whale, and we spend an unreasonable amount of time deciding which animals are gay.

We also get into animal tracking, God’s one forbidden apple, whale evolution, funeral plans, King Tut’s podcast studio, and why foxes are apparently the gayest animal alive.

Plus, Alex explains coding while John confidently explains it back to him completely wrong.

We’re back after a couple weeks off, and somehow the conversation immediately turns into Hedonism II, buffet crab legs, DoxyPEP, and whether or not everyone in the room deserves equal access to the three lions.

John’s sternum is apparently in a delicate transitional phase, which leads us to discover that Daddy Is Molting. From there we get into gumbo, sourdough starters, baby rabbits, deadly household pets, and the exact amount of soul an animal needs before humans are allowed to race it.

We also talk Lions, Jerry Springer, childhood injuries, scumbag stories, Steve Irwin vengeance, and why context is extremely important when somebody tells you they got stabbed through the hand with a screwdriver.

Nick gets back from Peoria and somehow a conversation about hotel soap turns into a full breakdown of terrible motels, backwards shower handles, sleeping on the beach, and the weird little things you notice when you stay somewhere that maybe costs a little too little.

We also get into spring break stories, Florida being Florida, Australia, fantasy football, Jared Goff, the Lions, and why the first few weeks of the NFL season apparently don’t count if things are going badly.

Plus, Nick tries to use a cold shower as leverage for a late checkout, which honestly feels like a pretty good summary of the whole episode.

John no-calls, no-shows this week, leaving Alex and Nick to hold down the job like the dedicated employees they apparently are. Naturally, they spend the opening minutes discussing disciplinary action, John’s importance to the Lions, and whether his absence could have altered the outcome of the game.

From there, they discover the seventh human sense, debate how much performance actually matters in stand-up, discuss gay telepathy, crimes they’d commit in a world without cameras, why Spain is just worse Mexico, and the surprisingly complicated social rules of cruising.

Plus: sexomnia, bathhouse etiquette, Betamax, nosebleeds, eating too fast, Nick’s childhood hockey humiliation, and the possibility that his friend Doug may secretly be the Michigan Dogman.

Alex and John realize podcasting may be the perfect art form for people whose work won’t become valuable until after they die, which naturally leads to a proposed rebrand: The Edgar Allan POdcast. The plan involves a raven, a complete lack of respect for the original concept, and possibly replacing Nick altogether.

Before that revelation, they recap a miserable Michigan game-watching experience involving bad music, an aggressively negative fan, Rod Stewart, and some questionable theories about the people sitting at the bar.

Also: gay sailor tattoos, veganism, manifestation, Mario family history, tornado warnings, Tom Hardy secretly having bars, and Labrador Day.

Ian’s back in town, which means the Burt Selleck Podcast immediately gets dragged into stories about Washington wildfires, cougars, jail schools, bald eagles, Lions roster cuts, and whether GTA 6 is about to accidentally create its own economy.

From there, the boys get into wild game, elite meatloaf technique, toilet-brewed hooch, music festival survival, and the very specific physical challenges that can arise during certain adult activities. Naturally, this all leads to an important discussion about romance, manners, and the evolving definition of being a gentleman.

Chivalry isn’t dead. It’s just gotten significantly weirder.

This week, the mysterious power of Alex’s three-monitor lion setup finally gets a name: Tres Leones. A driver update briefly threatens the pride, Nick and John immediately notice the shift in energy, and a completely unnecessary argument breaks out over whether all three lions were technically there the whole time.

Elsewhere, the guys get into getting kicked out of the DMT realm, Fred Flintstone committing golf-course crimes, ancient Greek enemas, weaponized farts, Marines with frog voices, and whether being a five-star recruit means you should just go play football in Hawaii. There’s also plenty of Lions, Michigan, Ohio State, China, Shaq, and a proposed military training program run entirely by mean drag queens.

Nick walks a table after getting into it with a veteran, then accidentally hustles a Canadian poker game after spending half the night pretending he knew what the chip colors meant.

The guys also get into childhood names they wished they had, growing up in wildly different Michigan high schools, why Cranbrook was fun to beat, and which historical era each of them would have thrived in.

The boys head out to The Mild West, where the Wild West gets reimagined as a place with classy brothels, rich uncles, questionable frontier politics, and Alex making it approximately as far as St. Louis before deciding civilization is good enough.

Also this week: Lions trash talk, the strange economics of sports radio, rich gay couples, counterfeit Yeezys, aliens who crossed the galaxy because they can’t make ice cream, and the ongoing search for the smartest person alive.