The Couples Expert

This is an Encore Presentation, this podcast originally aired in June of 2017. 

Welcome to The Couples Expert Podcast with Stuart Fensterheim. We have an unusual topic this week; first responders and the importance keeping your connection strong. If you have a first responder in your family, are married to one or have a friend who is, take a listen to the podcast today. First responders are those brave individuals who run towards danger when everyone else is running away. It takes a special kind of grit and purpose to do that kind of work. It also takes a special kind of person to be in a relationship or be married to a first responder. It can be a chaotic, sometimes lonely kind of life. Stuart talks about some of the special challenges associated with being in a relationship with a first responder. Whether they be armed forces, reserve military, police, fire or other emergency services, these special individuals give a lot of themselves to the job. The partners, families and spouses of first responders are some of the most compassionate and flexible people in the world. Listen as Stuart discusses life with a first responder partner and how to keep your relationship close and connected.

What you'€™ll learn from today'€™s podcast:

• How religion can bridge the gap between cultures and the Jewish holiday of Shavuot at 0:57
• Some of the unique challenges for first responder partners at 4:29
• What'€™s needed to have a connected relationship with your first responder 7:35
• How high stress affects first responders at 9:07
• Why checking in is important at 11:43
• Small things that you can do to stay connected at 13:20 Flexibility is important at 15:20

Thank you to all the first responders out there and to the partners that love them! You help make the world a safer place for all of us.

The Couples Expert Podcast is sponsored by: Stuart’s Daily Notes: Subscribe and change your relationship in 5 minutes a day with a video sent to your email inbox. The response has been overwhelmingly positive. Stuart’s Daily Notes can help you too!  https://www.thecouplesexpertscottsdale.com/stuart-daily-notes/

Subscribe to the podcast on iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-couples-expert/id951362894?mt=2

Email: Stuart would love to hear from you. If you have a comment, review, or suggestion for a topic Stuart can tackle in the future, please email him at [email protected]

Hello and welcome to The Couples Expert Podcast with your host Stuart Fensterheim, The Couples Expert. This is episode 178 of our show. Thank you for joining us today as Stuart talks about something that we will all be facing at one time or another. You may already be there : the impact of retirement on your love relationship. How will you and your partner spend your retirement years?  Listen as Stuart talks about how to cope with this major change in your life and what you can expect while heading into this new phase of living together with your partner.

Stuart just returned from a cruise with his wife. There was some worry and anxiety about going to London after the recent terror attacks there. Deciding not to let the bad guys win, they decided to go and have a great time in spite of the worry. He’s renewed and refreshed and excited to be back bringing you the expert advice you’ve come to expect.

What you’ll learn from today’s podcast:

• What it’s like to be retired. Fantasy vs. Reality
• Stuart’s dreams of retirement
• Why couples divorce after 50
• How to stay connected into your golden years
• How retirement will change your life
• Keeping your good health is important
• Retirement lets you do what you want to do
• Make sure you’re connected now

Don’t wait until you retire to do the work on your relationship. It’s not about communication skills as much as making sure that your connection to one another is strong and healthy. Talk and plan together about your hopes and dreams for retirement.  Make sure you’re in agreement and on the same page about what you want to do with this important next chapter in life.

This is the time for you to enjoy the fruits of your labor. You’ve been working for this all these years, and now’s your chance to enjoy those golden years with your loving partner by your side.

You can email Stuart with your comments and suggestions at [email protected]

Thank you for spending part of your day with The Couples Expert. Until next week. Stay connected!

Hello and welcome to this encore presentation of The Couples Expert. This is episode 177 of our show. This podcast originally aired in January of 2017.  

Today Stuart discusses how couples should go about preparing for marriage. If you’re in a love relationship with your partner and you’re planning a wedding, or if you have friends and family that are going to be married, this podcast is for you. Marriage is big step, and The Couples Expert is here to help you set off on the right path to a successful and happy married life.

Stuart welcomes guest and colleague Kelsey Blythe who had joined The Couples Expert staff at the time of this podcast to discuss premarital counseling and issues surrounding getting ready for marriage.

What you’ll learn from today’s podcast:

• Working on maintaining your relationship is vitally important to a happy marriage 9:50
• Premarital counseling gives you a roadmap to marriage and commitment  17:30
• Emotionally Focused Therapy as the basis for premarital counseling strengthens your connection  19:30
• Having a counselor as a resource in your married life gives you a safety net to solve problems when they come up  25:55

Premarital counseling is a wonderful tool to help prepare couples for married life. You may not know how to bring up difficult subjects, how to approach topics that may be problematic in the future if you don’t address them before you tie the knot.

Doing the deep couples work in the beginning of your marriage will help the two of you to be connected and confident that together you can face anything that life may throw your way. Problems and challenges will come, it’s just a part of life; having a strong foundation in trust and communication will help you to be prepared and to be strongly united to face these challenges as a team. Knowing you have one another to depend on allows you the confidence to face anything together without it threatening to tear you apart.

Our thanks go out to Kelsey Blythe for joining us on The Couples Expert podcast. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to spend with our podcast.

Email Stuart with your comments and suggestions here : [email protected]

Join us again next week when Stuart returns with a new episode of The Couples Expert. He’ll be discussing the impact of retirement on long term relationships. How will you handle your retirement years? Are you ready for that?  We hope you’ll join us.

Until then, be prepared, and stay connected!

Welcome to our encore presentation of The Couples Expert podcast with your host Stuart Fensterheim. This episode originally aired in March of 2017.

This is episode 176 of our show. Stuart’s guest on the show is Marisa Cohen, A professor at St. Francis College in Brooklyn, NY and the Director of the Self-awareness and Bonding Lab. Marisa is an expert in gender differences and science of relationships. Stuart and Marisa will be discussing how online dating impacts couples and what is the possibility that online dating can lead to marriage?

Thanks for tuning into The Couples Expert Podcast!

What you’ll learn from today’s podcast:

• Why Marisa changed her focus to relationships in school [3:49]
• Attachment theory IS science- based [5:27]
• How online dating impacts relationships and marriage [6:43]
• What men and women lie about on online dating sites [11:45]
• Online dating sites gives socially awkward people a chance to meet people [14:09]
• People can feel free to be more authentic when communicating online [19:38]
• Marisa’s book and work in the lab on the science of relationships [21:40]

Understanding yourself is crucial to finding a partner you’re compatible with. Opposites don’t really attract, so who does? Marisa’s app covers the questions you need to be asking a potential partner when you’re in the “getting to know you“ phase of the relationship. These are questions about money, pets, religion, etc. The deep stuff that is going to tell you if this is truly someone you want to pursue a relationship with. Getting to forever is about how you communicate with each other.

We want to thank Marisa Cohen for being on the show and for the work she’s doing in New York.  We’d also like to thank you for taking part of your day to spend with The Couples Expert.

Giveaway: Chapter of the book From First Kiss to Forever giveaway from Marisa Cohen for all the listeners.

Stay tuned next week for another encore performance of the podcast while Stuart enjoys his much-needed and well-deserved vacation.

Until then, stay connected

The Couples Expert Podcast is sponsored by: Stuart’s Daily Notes: Subscribe and change your relationship in 5 minutes a day with a video sent to your email inbox. The response has been overwhelmingly positive. Stuart’s Daily Notes can help you too!  https://www.thecouplesexpertscottsdale.com/stuart-daily-notes/

Subscribe to the podcast on iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-couples-expert/id951362894?mt=2

Email: Stuart would love to hear from you. If you have a comment, review, or suggestion for a topic Stuart can tackle in the future, please email him at [email protected]

This is an Encore Presentation, this podcast originally aired in May of 2015 so please ignore the contest and the Mother’s Day greetings.  

Hello and welcome to this encore presentation of The Couples Expert Podcast with your host , Stuart Fensterheim, The Couples Expert. Listen in as Stuart talks about emotional affairs and the impact of these on your love relationship.

What you’ll learn from today’s podcast:

• Emotional infidelity can be a bigger violation than having sex with another person outside your relationship   [5:18]
• Definition of an emotional affair [12:04]
• When Harry Met Sally “Just going to be friends” [15:05]
• We all crave an emotional connection [16:43]
• When you click with someone who’s not your partner [18:15]
• There are boundaries at work when you’re married  [25:13]
• How we stop the affair and what comes next [31:25]
• There are consequences for breaking your vows [33:25]

The affair has to stop, no question. You have to break off contact with that person. You can no longer spend time with them outside of a professional relationship. Understand that your partner is going to be angry and hurt and show empathy for how they’re feeling. You have to communicate with your partner about the tough issues. You both have to bare your souls to one another and show your partner what you need to feel secure and safe in the relationship once again. Whatever emotional needs were being satisfied by your affair have to be discussed and you both have to work towards meeting those needs for each other within the context of your relationship.

Don’t ask about sexual contact between your partner and that person. Your partner has been calling this an emotional relationship, not a sexual one, so you have to believe that is the truth.

Put a time limit on the amount of discussion you have about the affair. Avoid talking about it when you’re overtired and upset. Things may be said that you’ll regret. It’s hard to forgive and nearly impossible to forget. There’s work to be done on the part of both parties: hard work, unpleasant work, but if you both understand that what you’re working for is the future of your relationship and the emotional connection that was missing, you’ll work harder than you’ve ever done before.

There’s a guide to a true apology available to listeners.

Thank you for choosing to spend part of your day with The Couples Expert. Stay tuned for another encore presentation of our podcast next week. Until then, stay connected!

The Couples Expert Podcast is sponsored by: Stuart’s Daily Notes: Subscribe and change your relationship in 5 minutes a day with a video sent to your email inbox. The response has been overwhelmingly positive. Stuart’s Daily Notes can help you too!  https://www.thecouplesexpertscottsdale.com/stuart-daily-notes/

Subscribe to the podcast on iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-couples-expert/id951362894?mt=2

Email: Stuart would love to hear from you. If you have a comment, review, or suggestion for a topic Stuart can tackle in the future, please email him at [email protected]

Welcome to our encore presentation of The Couples Expert podcast with your host Stuart Fensterheim. This episode originally aired in September of 2016.

This is episode 174 of our show. Stuart’s guest today is Alicia Taverner. Alicia is a MFT therapist in CA working with people on trust issues and helping women find the calm within the storms in their lives. Alicia and Stuart are discussing infidelity from a female perspective. Thanks for listening.

Stuart talks a bit about his passion for the work that he does and gives a run down on his past occupations and how he ended up as The Couples Expert.

What you’ll learn on today’s podcast:

• Introduction to Alicia and how she became a therapist 7:31
• You can’t go back after an affair, you must start over 11:05
• The differences Stuart has with an attachment theory approach 15:35
• Therapy digs deeper to a place of vulnerability 19:25
• How can you know infidelity won’t happen again? 22:30
• Affairs are not simply sexual 24:03
• Where the apology comes in  30:35
• That moment where the couple believes they can go on together 34:32

Doing therapy work (done the right way) causes personal growth on the part of the therapist. It’s wonderful to know that our counselors can grow in empathy and caring through the work they do with others.

Thank you again to Alicia Taverner for this great interview. Thank you to all the listeners who took time out of your day to listen to The Couples Expert. Tune in next week for another great encore presentation of The Couples Expert. Until then, stay connected!

Hello and welcome to The Couples Expert Podcast with your host Stuart Fensterheim. This is episode 173 of our show. Today Stuart talks about coping with separation issues in your relationship related to work. How do we keep a close and connected relationship with our partners when we don’t get to spend a lot of time together?  Listen as Stuart discusses this important topic.

There are so many fun holidays in July and Stuart wants you to celebrate them all! Aunt and Uncle’s Day, Bugs Bunny’s Birthday and National Chili Dog Day are all happening at the end of this month! What’s your favorite holiday in July?

What you’ll learn from today’s podcast:

• Codependency is a healthy part of all love relationships
• The division of labor changes when you’re on your own
• It’s important that you talk about the issues around being apart
• Technology helps us stay connected
• Commit to connecting daily to stay close via email, text, Skype or Facebook
• Make your time together important and focus on your love
• Video chat is great for seeing body language and non-verbal cues
• You shouldn’t try to solve problems when you’re apart
• Make your meetings non-negotiable, don’t miss your good morning/goodnight messages

Make time and make memories when you’re together. Make your relationship important and have some loving date nights when you’re together. When you’re together make sure that you focus on the love you share, and not on the negative aspects of being frequently apart. It’s equally as hard on both of you and it’s a consequence of the choice you’ve both made to live this lifestyle for the time being.  Concentrate on connecting emotionally in a loving way when you are together and make it all about quality not quantity of the time you have together.

The Couples Expert Podcast is sponsored by: Stuart’s Daily Notes: Subscribe and change your relationship in 5 minutes a day with a video sent to your email inbox. The response has been overwhelmingly positive. Stuart’s Daily Notes can help you too!  http://www.thecouplesexpertscottsdale.com/stuart-daily-notes/

Subscribe to the podcast on iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-couples-expert/id951362894?mt=2

Email: Stuart would love to hear from you. If you have a comment, review, or suggestion for a topic Stuart can tackle in the future, please email him at [email protected]

Next week on The Couples Expert we’ll be re-broadcasting some of our more popular episodes. Stuart is taking a break from recording for the month of August. Stay tuned for The Couples Expert to return in September with fresh new content and more expert advice on love and relationships.

Hi and welcome to The Couples Expert.  This is episode 172 of our show. Today Stuart welcomes guest Allana Pratt to the podcast. Allana is an author and intimacy expert who specializes in helping people to open up and find a place of authenticity within themselves. Everyone has the desire to be heard, to be seen for who they are, and to have the ability to share their true selves with a partner. Listen as Stuart and Allana discuss this very important topic.

What you’ll learn from today’s podcast:

• Control your thoughts, control negativity 2:49
• Being comfortable within yourself so others can see you 5:50
• Working from the inside out requires no approval  8:34
• The difference between conditional and unconditional self-love 16:45
• How I accept my partner, when I’m not happy with them 18:56
• Awakening the sacred and sexy & the noble badass within 21:55
• Fear of abandonment, of love and lack of trust stay with us 30:19
• Don’t be afraid of the work, the benefits are well worth it 33:21

When you go back and act as your own best friend and relive past events with the right tools and embrace past events and learn the lessons needed, you can let go of pain and hurting and evolve past the pain into who you are and need to be, taking the lesson along with you.

Our great thanks to Allana Pratt for her time and insights. What a wonderful opportunity to hear from her today.  Allana Pratt can be contacted at www.allanapratt.com and through her podcast “Intimate Conversations”.

The Couples Expert is sponsored by: Stuart’s Daily Notes. Relationship mentoring from The Couples Expert. Learn More: http://www.thecouplesexpertscottsdale.com/stuart-daily-notes/

Next Week’s podcast is all about how to cope with separation from your love and partner due to work commitments. How do you maintain a close connection when you’re apart? We hope you’ll listen in.

Hello and welcome to The Couples Expert Podcast with your host Stuart Fensterheim, The Couples Expert. This is episode 171 of our show. Today Stuart is going to be discussing the impact of lies and deceit on your love relationship.

There’s nothing more uncertain than questioning whether you can count on what your partner is telling you is the truth. Can you believe what your partner is telling you? Is your partner really there for you? What kind of relationship do you have if your partner is lying?

What you’ll learn from today’s podcast:

• Trust is the foundation of the relationship 2:38
• Omission is deception 4:07
• Lies mean that you don’t have a true partnership 7:29
• You should be sharing everything together 9:28
• Fear, shame or guilt is the basis for avoiding certain subjects 11:15
• White lies are still lies 15:53

It’s so important that you’re authentic with each other. There should never be a reason that you would deceive your partner in any way. Be yourself, say what’s real and you can be confident that your partner loves you no matter what. The foundation of basic trust is what’s needed in the relationship. We’re all flawed, we all make mistakes. You need to keep yourself open and talk to each other about everything. You shouldn’t need to hide anything from your partner, because the love you have is enough for you to work through anything that may come up.

Talk about everything with each other. No matter what happened in your past, you need to share with your partner. Even your difficult issues from past relationships need to be on the table so that you both know what to expect. Don’t leave things unspoken. An omission is a lie. Your partner needs to know they can count on you to tell the truth.

Sponsored by: The Couples Expert is sponsored by the 2 Days and 7 Conversations Hold Me Tight Weekend. Build communication and connection with your partner in this weekend workshop presented by Stuart Fensterheim, The Couples Expert. http://www.thecouplesexpertscottsdale.com/hold-me-tight/

Email Stuart at [email protected] with your comments and suggestions on this and future podcasts. Stuart loves to hear from his listeners and will respond to you if you take the time to contact him.

Next Week: Join us next week on The Couples Expert when Stuart welcomes guest Alana Pratt. They’ll be discussing how to fall in love with yourself so that you can be a good partner for somebody else. It’s all about love on The Couples Expert. We hope you’ll listen in.

Welcome to The Couples Expert Podcast with your host Stuart Fensterheim. This is episode number 170 of our show. This week, Stuart is joined by guest Mickie Zada, who runs the Surviving Abuse Network. Mickie left her abusive marriage 16 years ago after over 30 years of abuse. She helps women get out of abusive situations and begin to heal.

What you’ll learn from today’s podcast:

• We can live in denial of  abuse for a very long time 1:41

• There’s so much trauma that women in abuse hold onto 3:48

• It can all look perfect from the outside. It’s a facade 7:54

• Emotional abuse is dramatically worse than physical abuse 9:20

• Be open with your kids about the abusive behavior to educate them what is right and wrong 11:19

• Shame and guilt are a part of the cycle and why victims don’t talk about abuse in their lives 13:38

• Fear of walking away with nothing can keep women from fighting back 16:40

• Financial abuse - When the abuser is controlling access to the money is a big red flag 17:47

Men are also being abused, there’s so much shame that goes with that. This is not Mickie’s area of expertise, as she deals primarily with women. Perhaps that is a discussion for another time?

Write Stuart with your comments and questions to: [email protected]

Recovery is possible with a great deal of personal work and personal growth.

“If we don’t change, nothing changes” - Your outlook and perspective have to change so your choices can change. Resist going back to your abuser!

Free support, free information and education is available to learn how to make healthy choices in future relationships. Professionals can help us see who we are. We need the perspective of counselors and coaches to help us see beyond our own experiences.

Thank you so much to Mickie Zada for taking the time to share with our listeners and to all of you for spending part of your day with The Couples Expert.

Contact Mickie at www.survivingabusenetwork.com  

Next Week: Join Stuart next week on The Couples Expert for a discussion about truth and lies. The impact of deceit on your love relationship is huge. Listen in as Stuart discusses what it means to live in an authentic relationship with your partner.