The Couples Expert

Hello and welcome to The Couples Expert Podcast. Stuart is talking today about a subject you don’t hear much about. It’s an adult subject, so please use discretion when listening or use your headphones! This is episode 169 of our podcast. Listen as Stuart talks about using sex as a weapon or for leverage in the relationship. Have you ever done that? You’d be surprised how many couples do.

Summer is here and we’re all spending more time with our partners and families. Stuart recommends taking couples vacations to spend time and connect with your partner. Work on your relationships and get closer and more connected. Remember how important your intimate life is, and cultivate that.  

What you’ll learn from today’s podcast:

• The impact on couples who can’t be in the same space together 3:44
• You need to examine your commitment if you feel like leaving your shared space  8:03
• Sex is an essential ingredient to a happy and satisfying relationship 9:20
• If you can be satisfied with having an unhappy partner that’s the beginning of a problem 10:54
• Helping you feel loved should be your partner’s passion 13:15
• We all need to be touched and loved; it’s a part of our emotional connection 15:55
• When you’re taking away your partner’s access to you, your relationship is in trouble 17:27

If you are using sex as a weapon it’s a symptom of a far greater problem. The commitment you make in your relationship is to stay together, stay exclusively sexual with your partner and to keep yourself for them only. If you begin to use that aspect of your relationship as leverage to manipulate the relationship, you’re taking something far more important than sex away from your partner.

The feeling that your partner can’t be trusted or you don’t have them to rely on is one of the most painful and lonely places to be in a relationship. Both of you need to be fully committed to working through your struggles and challenges together- Tough it out. Stay in the same room, keep your physical connection and continue to touch and be intimate with each other so you don’t lose that feeling of emotional security and connection to one another.

This podcast is sponsored by: The annual relationship check up! Learn more here about how to evaluate where you and your partner are in terms of satisfaction with your partnership.  https://www.thecouplesexpertscottsdale.com/annual-relationship-check-up/

Next Week: Please listen next week as Stuart is joined by Mickie Zada from Surviving Abuse Network. They will be discussing the warning signs of abuse in a relationship. Please listen in to this important topic.

Email Stuart at: [email protected]

Thank you for spending part of your day with Stuart Fensterheim, The Couples Expert. We hope that you stay close and stay connected.

Hi and welcome to The Couples Expert with your host Stuart Fensterheim. This is episode 168 of our show. Today Stuart talks about the concept of being in a relationship with your soulmate. Do you need to be with a person you consider to be your soulmate in order to have a close and connected relationship?

Is having a soulmate always a positive thing?  Listen as Stuart explains what it means to have a soulmate.

What you’ll learn from today’s podcast:

• Definition of a soulmate vs. a life partner  1:12
• Life partners come after we’ve had a few soulmates to grow from 7:37
• Communicating what you need to your partner is crucial 10:05
• We put up barriers to receiving love 15:57
• The two of you can do this together, expect it to work 17:43

It takes true commitment and dedication on the part of both partners for you to succeed. You have to erase all doubt about the outcome, and live and love each other every day . Show love, appreciation and kindness, and above all, communicate. You and your partner have to be able to put a voice to your needs and to be able to have conversations with each other about everything. Understanding each other is crucial to creating the relationship you both desire. The best way to erase doubt and to really know that you’re with your life partner is to work on the relationship every day. You may have had several soulmates in life while you were working on yourself and finding that one person who can be your partner for life!

The Couples Expert Podcast is sponsored by: The Hold Me Tight Workshop - Presented by The Couples Expert. 2 Days and 7 Conversations that can change your life.

Learn more: http://www.thecouplesexpertscottsdale.com/hold-me-tight/

Next Week: Join Stuart next week for an adult topic: The use of sex as a weapon. Do you or your partner ever use sex as leverage in the relationship? Tune in to The Couples Expert as he delves into this subject with you.

Email Stuart at [email protected]

Until next week, keep working, keep soul-searching and stay connected!

Hello and welcome to episode 167 of The Couples Expert Podcast. We’re so happy you’ve joined us for one of my (and I hope your) favorite topics. Stuart is ready to tell you all about how to make your partner feel loved and important and so special in your life. The gift that keeps on giving is the gift of birthday sex!  

Stuart is examining being a therapist and dealing w/ individuals with mental health issues. Sometimes clients go off the deep end and it’s scary as a counselor.  In voicing that concern to his wife Stuart and she had a discussion about how he was reacting to the recent crimes in his area involving counselors and how they each saw this issue differently.

Nobody wants their feelings to be discounted by their partner, and you should never assume a meaning from your partner without clarifying their statements. You both need to feel that the other person understands your feelings, and is not discounting them.  You’re on the same side of the issue.  It’s so important that you each know how to share with your partner when you’re disconnected or feeling pulled apart how important they are to you and how much you love each other.

What you’ll learn in today’s podcast:

• In order to make Birthday Sex special you have to have done the work on your relationship the other 364 days as well 5:34
• Sharing your love and passion is electric and exciting when you’re celebrating each other 8:10
• It’s about giving your partner something special and showing them how much you love them on their special day 10:00
• The anticipation of the outcome will be half the fun. So tease and flirt!  12:34
• Plan for what will please your partner the most and make them feel special 17:00
• Make the environment conducive to a relaxed, playful and sexy time 18:40
• Do something out of the ordinary to make it special 20:28

Set aside the stresses and things you’re working on or struggling with in your relationship. Take a break and have some fun. Set up the scenario that will make it meaningful and surprising to your partner and don’t fuss about the little things.

Don’t go to extremes that can create stress such as elaborate surprises or role playing if you’ve never done it. If you have a party, let your partner know that your sexy time will commence as soon as the party ends and you will be the special gift at the end of the evening. Flirt and tease your partner until they are ready to clear the room.  Be creative and have fun, but realize that it’s not simply sex. They need to know it’s all about them and that you love them so much that you want to give them this very special gift on their birthday.  The love that you share is the gift that keeps on giving.

Make them feel how important they are to you all year around.Thank you for joining us on The Couples Expert. Until next time, be surprising, and stay connected.

This podcast is sponsored by  Stuarts Daily Notes . Daily mentoring from The Couples Expert. Learn More: http://www.thecouplesexpertscottsdale.com/stuart-daily-notes/

Next week on The Couples Expert Stuart will be discussing the concept of soulmates. Are you with your soulmate? Do you even think there is such a thing? Listen to the episode and find out.

Email Stuart at [email protected] . He loves to hear from his audience and would like to hear your comments or review of the podcast.

Alex Swire-Clark is Stuart’s Guest on Episode 166 of The Couples Expert Podcast. Alex is a human behavioral and communications expert with a background in education. He’s got some insight to share on a model of human behavior that impacts relationships. Stuart brought him on the podcast to talk about communication issues between personalities in a marriage.

June means that wedding season is in full swing so this episode is rather timely in that the discussion is geared towards communication in marriage. Listen in as Stuart welcomes Alex to to the podcast and they delve into some of these very important topics.

What you’ll learn on today’s podcast:

Defining your role in the marriage/relationship is the challenge 5:30

Personality styles defined DISC 12:22

How personalities interact with others in relationships 16:20

How you complement each other even if you’re opposites 19:00

Communication between the styles both verbal and non-verbal 22:06

Being ignorant of each other’s personality styles can cause problems as we approach and communicate to connect emotionally with our partners. Digging deeper gives us a greater understanding of what we each need in our relationships to feel connected, loved and important to our partners and spouses. As Stuart says, knowledge is power, and these insights are so valuable in teaching us how to approach our partners and communicate in ways they can receive and understand fully our intentions and desires. This can only make your relationship better!

We are grateful to Alex Swire-Clark for taking the time out of his busy schedule to talk with The Couples Expert, and to you, our listeners for taking the time to listen.

You can learn more about what Alex does on his website, therapportadvantage.com where you can also purchase the personality test online.

Email Alex here regarding the DISC quiz.  [email protected]

Use “The Couples Expert” in the subject line of your email and Alex will send you the guide to defining these personality types for free if you purchase the program from his website.

You can email Stuart at [email protected] for questions and comments about the podcast.  He loves hearing from the listening audience and responds to all emails.

Next Week: Giving your partner the gift of Birthday Sex. Stuart talks about the special ways we can make our partner feel loved and important. Give the gift that keeps on giving. Tune in next week to hear more.

The podcast is sponsored by: Before You Tie the Knot - 12 Essential Conversations to have before you get married. This 12 week online course will give insight and understanding on what it’s really like to be married and build a life with someone. Learn more about this great resource by clicking the link: https://www.thecouplesexpertscottsdale.com/tie-knot-12-essential-conversations/

Hi and welcome to The Couples Expert. This is episode 165 of our show. Today Stuart is going to talk about a subject that you may be all too familiar with. Shopping meltdowns!!! Ever go shopping with your spouse and it feels like you’re stuck in a chamber of horrors waiting endlessly for your partner to finish shopping so you can just go already?  If this sounds like a feeling you understand, you’ll be right there along with Stuart as he discusses his own shopping meltdowns.  Listen in;  it should be fun, (more fun than the actual experience)!

You are in a relationship with your best friend. Having that one person in the world that you can count on is the best thing in the entire world.  You wouldn’t want to have this journey with anyone else!

Stuart talks about being authentic and vulnerable with your partner in order to have a close and connected relationship. Being in a marriage allows you to be yourself and to be in a safe and secure place where you don’t have to pretend or play a role. Your partner understands you better than anyone. Your partner loves you even on your worst days. That’s such a secure feeling.

Your partner connects with you in a way that nobody else does and together you get to go on that journey called life. That’s the relationship we all hope to have.

Stuart and his wife Debbie do some traveling annually and most of the time they’re on cruise ships sailing to a destination port. Stuart says that going on a cruise is the best way to know what kind of relationship you have with your partner. When there’s nothing but you and the sea, you create and make your own fun. There’s an art and a skill to doing that. That’s a great test to know if you and your partner are well suited to each other.

What you’ll learn from today’s podcast:

• Shopping is a big draw on the cruise ship 10:19
• When one spouse doesn’t want to shop 12:58
• The shopping meltdown 16:51
• The lesson learned 18:50
• The discussion that needs to happen 21:17
• The message to the listener 24:30
• Planning is important and you can plan in a little sexy fun too 25:51

You want to send the message to your partner that what they care about is important to you. If you’re both doing that for each other then you’re on your way to a lifetime of love and happiness. These shopping stories aren’t going to make or break your relationship, but if you can be prepared to wait while your spouse is shopping with something that can occupy your mind and help pass the time or you can do something fun at the end of the wait, it can surely reduce some of the anxiety and stress that can come along with the waiting.

*** Please Note: If you do play games in the dressing room as Stuart mentions, be careful of privacy and delete photos before they can get shared out on the Internet. Remember that once something like that gets out, you can't get it back. Use common sense and protect your privacy. Have fun!

The Couples Expert podcast is sponsored by the 2 days and 7 conversations Hold Me Tight Workshop. These workshops are a way to help reconnect and learn how to have the conversations you need to have with your partner. You can learn to move forward in a more positive way after the weekend is over. It really can change your life! Learn more about the couples weekend here: http://www.thecouplesexpertscottsdale.com/hold-me-tight/

Please join Stuart next week as he welcomes guest Alex Swire-Clark, an expert in human behavior and communication. Stuart and Alex are going to talk about personality types, communication and the impact these characteristics have on a love relationship and marriage.

We hope you’ll join us.

Until next time… Wait patiently, shop smart, and stay connected.

Hello and welcome to The Couples Expert Podcast with your host Stuart Fensterheim. This week on the show, Stuart is going to discuss the pain and consequences of financial infidelity. This kind of relationship injury has an incredible impact on a couple. Listen as Stuart talks about how financial infidelity can break your relationship, and how to repair it.

Stuart has just returned from his spring vacation with his wife, where he got to unplug from the Internet for a while. It was a great time of connection for Stuart and Debbie and you know what? He didn’t miss that bombardment of information, news and noise for those 6 days at all!  Stuart had been to the resort with a girlfriend before he met Debbie. For some couples this might cause a problem if there were any insecurity in the relationship, but not for them! They’ve enjoyed their time away. Stuart always comes back from vacation with a renewed sense of purpose and more ideas for helping couples connect.

Spending money is harder for some people than for others. Luxury spending can get very expensive. Stuart just had to replace a part on his home A/C unit, and he hated to spend the money ( he says he can be cheap), but needed to get that air conditioning up and running for the Arizona summer heat! The savings on the power bill was worth the cost of the service call for the repair.

Money can be a difficult thing for couples to talk about. So to avoid the conflict, many couples just don’t divulge the money they’re spending. This is where financial infidelity can begin. This is a relationship injury that isn’t widely discussed. Stuart will define this for you and probe a little deeper into the subject.

What you’ll learn from today’s podcast:

Financial infidelity is a major trust violation 8:16

Lies bring up questions about the security of the relationship 10:45

You both need to decide on money matters that affect your lives 13:31

If you’ve spent money and lied, it’s time to come clean 17:40

You should review your financial condition together regularly 21:24

You need to secure the future of your family 24:46

Moving beyond the trust violation 27:06

If your relationship has suffered a trust violation due to financial infidelity, Stuart recommends the following:

Come clean. No punishment. You can’t go back, only move forward. Talk it through and agree to start over with a clean slate and get together on all of your financial issues.

Get rid of separate bank accounts. Get joint accounts and go over the monthly statements together.

Resolve to have honest conversations, give and receive sincere apologies and move forward in the spirit of togetherness and honesty.

You didn’t set out to hurt each other, you have to work on the emotional pieces of your relationship at the same time that you repair your finances.

You are going to have a long road back to recover both emotionally and financially. It might take years, so you have to be prepared to do that work on the repair the relationship and on the finances.This can mean making a budget and monitoring it monthly. Get help from a financial expert and from a couples expert.  Let love be the guiding force in rebuilding the trust and security both financially and emotionally.

Sponsored by: Before You Tie The Knot -  12 Essential Conversations to have before you marry.  This online course is recommended for anyone who is getting married.  http://beforeyoutietheknot.thecouplesexperts.com

Email Stuart at: [email protected]

Next Week : On the heels of this episode about financial infidelity, we’re going to a shopping nightmare next week!  There are shoppers, and then there are shoppers . Join us on The Couples Expert next time when Stuart explores The Curse of the Shopper’s Husband! It’s going to be fun.We hope you’ll listen in.

Until next time, remember to be honest and thrifty, save and spend wisely, and stay connected!

Welcome to The Couples Expert podcast! This is episode 163 of our show. This week’s topic is about the joys and challenges of keeping a close and connected sexual relationship as we age.

Our bodies will continue to change over time, and no matter how emotionally connected we are to our partners, the process of aging can introduce doubts and insecurities into our intimate life.

Listen as Stuart tackles this important subject today.

What you’ll learn from today’s podcast:

• Sexuality in the early relationship and the impact of children 4:36
• The effects of aging on your bodies 10:52
• If you don’t make it important enough,  the physical touch and intimacy is lost 13:09
• You’re never too old to be sexual with your partner 15:01
• When physical issues interfere with sexual activity 16:35
• Scheduling sex may become necessary  18:03
• Suggestions for help and how to talk about these problems 25:29

It’s crucial that you discuss your sexual issues without reservation. This is the best friend that you’ve been with and cherished for so long. You have all of this history, love and passion that you’ve shared over the years. You can and must talk to each other as time goes by. The evolution of your sexual relationship is an integral part of this. Use the tools available to help in the form of lubricant products and pharmaceuticals. If you address complications and challenges (such as your physical limitations) together, it’s absolutely possible that you can modify your sexual activities as you age so that you can continue to enjoy sex together well into advanced age.

The Couples Expert Podcast is sponsored by: Stuart’s Daily Notes. Daily mentoring from The Couples Experts. Register here : https://www.thecouplesexpertscottsdale.com/stuart-daily-notes/  

Email Stuart at [email protected]  - He would love to hear from you with your suggestions, comments and questions.

Next Week: Thank you and join us next week for a less sexy but very important subject. Stuart tackles the topic of financial infidelity. We hope you’ll listen in.

Until next time, keep it sexy, and stay connected!

Hello and welcome to this episode of The Couples Expert podcast with your host Stuart Fensterheim. This is episode 162 of our show. This week Stuart welcomes Lauren Selfridge to the podcast. Lauren became interested in becoming a therapist after being a lifelong client of therapy. She wanted to be a couple’s therapist.

While in school she began to have symptoms of what she later learned was Multiple Sclerosis.

Lauren is joining us to talk about a topic that is important to a lot of people, that of having a loved one with a chronic illness. She had to learn to live with this illness while training to be a therapist.

Stuart has a personal connection with this topic as his daughter has had medical issues throughout her life and he’s been very open about talking about what living with someone who has medical issues and the impact on family and relationships.

Poem: Welcome to Holland http://www.our-kids.org/Archives/Holland.html

What you’ll learn about in today’s podcast:

• Lauren’s journey has helped her to be a better therapist 10:56
• How talking about chronic illness is important in a couple’s relationship 14:07
• When one of you is ill and you can’t participate in activities you love 16:09
• It’s about the attitude and the experience 18:17
• Chronic illness will show you who you really are  22:24
• You are not your disease 23:44
• Navigating emotions and illness in a relationship is tricky 24:22
• Doing the work early in the relationship makes it better when the challenges come 26:12
• Suggestions for couples dealing with health challenges 32:27

It’s so important to separate the person from the illness and for each partner in the relationship to realize that there’s a lot of guilt and shame that comes if they’re feeling like they brought the illness into the relationship vs. both partners are united in battling the challenges together as a unified team. This distinction helps for couples to remain close and connected and allow them to give each other space to talk about how they’re feeling about the challenge.

Each person should be able to express how the changes affect them , the fears and concerns they have and hopefully through doing this gain a deeper insight into how each of them are feeling about what both are going through.

We want to extend our thanks to Lauren Selfridge for being on the podcast this week. You can learn more about Lauren and listen to her podcast “This is Not What I Ordered” here : https://laurenselfridge.com/

Getting The Love You Want book and workshop recommended by Lauren Selfridge https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-You-Want-Anniversary/dp/0805087001  

The Couples Expert is sponsored by: The Annual Relationship Check up! There’s a way for you to do an evaluation on just where you are in your relationship right now. https://www.thecouplesexpertscottsdale.com/annual-relationship-check-up/

Next Week: Join Stuart next week when he tackles another health-related topic of genuine concern for couples: That of sexuality as we age. We hope you’ll listen in.

Email Stuart at:  [email protected]

Until next time, stay connected!

Hi and welcome back to The Couples Expert Podcast with your host Stuart Fensterheim. This week’s topic is “One foot out the door and how to fix it.”  This is episode 161 of our show. The meaning behind the title, as you will soon see, is more about being fully invested in your relationship. When you’re all in as in poker, you don’t leave yourself an “out.” That’s what Stuart will be discussing in this very important podcast episode today.

See Stuart’s Facebook Live on the gratitude he has for all of you that listen to the podcast. Thank you for taking the time to listen in. He recorded the Live on April 18, 2018.

Stuart talks about how he has recommitted to his faith since his Dad passed away and has joined a men’s group through the temple.

He had an opportunity to honor his Dad’s memory by reading from the Torah at a service in the synagogue. Stuart and Debbie were invited to a Kentucky Derby party at a friend’s on Cinco de Mayo, which is the same Saturday as the service in the temple.  He thought hard about the conflict and prayed about it and decided that it was more important to him and his relationship with his wife to spend that Saturday with Debbie and their friends, making the relationship more important than anything else. After all, he’d already bought the hat!  

Stuart will continue to honor his Dad in his religious practice, but felt that Dad’s emphasis on the importance of family and relationships warranted his staying with Debbie for this social event that means so much to them. Stuart made the choice to devote the time to his relationship with Debbie and choosing love.

What you’ll learn from today’s episode:

• Nothing matters more than your relationship 8:46
• Feeling alone in a struggling relationship is a terrible place 11:09
• The foundation has to be built to move forward 15:56
• Begin to talk about the things you need to do to feel the connection you’ve lost 20:02
• Be invested, be romantic, take it one day at a time. Show that commitment every day. 22:24

It’s so important to set aside time that’s special just for the two of you. Start courting your partner, call or text them during the day. Think about them when you’re apart. Begin to do things together like you did when you were dating.  Go along and don’t complain. Make it about sharing fun times with your partner and making it a good experience for them. Ask more frequent questions about how they’re doing and feeling. 

Take a look at yourself and work on those things that might be causing problems for the two of you. Those things you can change within yourself. If you’re overcommitting time with kid activities, back off a little and schedule couples time as a priority.

Date, flirt and play together and make it romantic. Get away together and just have fun and be sweet to each other, make it about having an emotional connection together. Special time together is so important. Have you gone all in?

This podcast is sponsored by: The 2 Days and 7 Conversations workshop presented by The Couples Expert. Learn more here: http://www.thecouplesexpertscottsdale.com/hold-me-tight/  

Email: [email protected] Stuart would love to hear from you with reviews, comments and suggestions for future podcasts.

Next week: Lauren Selfridge will be Stuart’s guest on The Couples Expert. They will be discussing, love, relationships and chronic illness. We hope you’ll listen in.

Until next time -  Go all in with each other and stay connected!

Hi, and welcome to The Couples Expert with your host Stuart Fensterheim. This is episode 160 of our show. Thank you for listening today as Stuart welcomes guest Jim Thomas back to the show. They will be discussing social media and some of the pitfalls of getting connected through the Internet and the impact of that on your life and relationships. Listen in as Stuart and Jim discuss this very important and timely subject.

What you’ll learn on today’s podcast:

• Tech advances allow access for everyone, worldwide even those people in remote places 4:34
• Being conscious of where you go online and how it impacts you, feeds or frustrates you can make all the difference 8:41
• How we influence each other and ourselves online? 11:25
• How the intensity of what we’re bombarded with reminds us how fragile we are as humans 16:15
• When everything is on Facebook nothing is private! 17:42
• When phones are present we lose our ability to empathize and communicate in real time by 40%  22:48
• The power of balance in using devices 28:36

Use those devices to build connection. Check and inventory your usage on a regular basis so that you know how far into the habit you are getting. You need to be aware of the place these devices have in your life. How often do you check your phone? Do you have it with you always?  

Pain or loneliness of isolation comes from you and your partner spending too much time on your devices, instead of connecting in the real world.

Curiosity can lead into infidelity easily because you’re getting a connection that you’re craving and you may not be receiving from your partner. You can get close to someone before you know it. Online affairs happen that quickly. The flirtation you have with someone, even if you intend no harm is a big deal in your marriage. You can get so heavily involved and really sucked into virtual connections.

If you feel that your partner is too distracted by devices, you can speak up and ask your partner to put that device down and connect directly with you and avoid the possibilities of reaching out to the wrong person.

It’s just too easy to get online, get distracted and excited in a way that leads to a habit. We all need to be aware and cautious about it. Try a cellphone free evening or a day of the week that you connect face to face without your phone and devices. Make it important in your life to have these REAL emotional connections with the people you love and avoid the pitfalls of inappropriate virtual connections.

Email Stuart: [email protected]

Stuart loves to hear from you!

We’d like to thank you for joining us and Jim Thomas for being our guest on The Couples Expert.  Learn more about his work at www.jimthomas.care

Please join us next week when Stuart will talk about the need for total investment in your relationship with I’m One Foot out the Door, and how do we fix it?

Thank you for spending part of your day with us here at The Couples Expert Podcast. Stay Connected.

The Couples Expert Podcast is sponsored by:  Before You Tie the Knot, 12 Essential Conversations for newlyweds to have. This is an online course with support and direction from The Couples Expert. This course makes a great shower or wedding gift. Learn More: http://www.thecouplesexpertscottsdale.com/12-conversations/