The Couples Expert

Hi and welcome to The Couples Expert Podcast with your host Stuart Fensterheim. This is episode 159 of our show. This week’s topic is the Power of Love.  Do happy endings happen?  Is there such a thing as happily ever after? It can sound a bit trite, but as Stuart will discuss, love is one of the most powerful forces in our lives. When we’re in the right place emotionally and in the right relationship with our partner, that love can be unstoppable!

Listen in as Stuart shares about real experiences that show that true love can win just like in the storybooks.

What you’ll learn from today’s podcast:

• You can have it all together but you both have to want it and work for it 1:02
• The emotional bond you have together gives you as a couple the confidence to conquer anything life throws your way 2:39
• The connection between you is what’s important  3:46
• The story of Stuart’s personal crisis and triumph 5:15
• Why some couples pull apart and others pull together 6:49
• It’s the little things you say and do every day cementing your bond 8:15
• It’s not always easy to obtain, you have to put in the work it takes 11:20

You and your partner need to understand each other’s communication style and emotional needs. You know when they’re triggered and what they need from you when that happens. It’s not automatic. You both need to work on this daily to show each other in the small ways who important and valued you are. You both are authentic, vulnerable and raw together. When it really counts, when things are bad, that’s when the rubber meets the road and you can show that you HAVE done the work. You will be there for each other, team up and meet any crisis or struggle as a united partnership. Crisis doesn’t have to pull you apart. When you’ve cemented your bond together and you feel secure, a crisis can make you even stronger on the other side.

You need to talk about everything, never give a cold shoulder or a silent treatment. Find out where you and your partner need work and start today by showing appreciation, respect. Dedicate yourself to strengthening your connection. Have date nights and adventures together. Spend time together and share activities that you enjoy. Don’t turn down opportunities to spend time sharing experiences that will strengthen your bond. Explore ways that you can know each other better and learn more about how to connect on a deeper level. Find out what your partner needs to feel loved and more important in your life. Do those things.  Take the first step now, today. Make your relationship a priority today. Make that important commitment to yourself and to your partner today.

Thank you for joining us today!

Listen next week as Stuart tackles the subject of financial infidelity.

Email Stuart at: [email protected]

Sponsored by Stuart’s Daily notes. Daily relationship mentoring for couples. Subscribe here : http://www.thecouplesexpertscottsdale.com/stuart-daily-notes/

Hi and welcome to The Couples Expert podcast with your host Stuart Fensterheim. This is episode 158 of our show. This week’s podcast is so much fun. Stuart’s guest is author Amy Lyle. While Amy is not a couple’s expert, she brings a fresh take to our podcast with her Book of Failures and her unique and humorous perspective on love and relationships.

Amy was restless in her stay at home mom role so she took a job with a non-profit and began writing. A self-described “Domestic Disaster”, her new book talks about how everything has a humorous side and your attitude is what matters. Her experience as a mom and wife gives her a layperson’s take on love and relationships.

What you’ll learn on today’s podcast:

• Amy’s background and what prompted her to write her book 5:30
• How we define failure 11:45
• Where you find the humor 15:26
• Our kids are embarrassing 23:26
• Humor is therapy 33:18

Stories make us feel better help us relate, and the more embarrassing it is, the more people can relate. If we’re going to present ourselves as authentic in our personal and professional lives, we can use our embarrassing moments as a way of being grounded and humble. Don’t be afraid to be who you are!

How to get Amy’s book at Amazon.com : https://www.amazon.com/Amy-Binegar-Kimmes-Lyle-Book-Failures-inadequacies-ebook/dp/B072J3327X/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

The Failures of My Friends is the next project Amy is working on and she would love to hear your biggest failure. You can send it to her, and maybe it will be included in the next book.

Amy’s Website: www.amylyle.me

On Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/amy.lyle.56

and Twitter: @amylyle

You can subscribe to The Couples Expert on itunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-couples-expert/id951362894?mt=2

Email Stuart: [email protected]

The Couples Expert Is Sponsored By: 2 Days and 7 Conversations, Hold Me Tight workshop. This couples weekend can change your relationship for the better in just 2 days.  Learn more here: http://www.thecouplesexpertscottsdale.com/hold-me-tight/

Next Week: Next week Stuart will be talking about the power of love in overcoming emotional pain and how having a strong emotional connection with your partner allows you to face any challenge together.

Until next time, keep finding the funny in your lives and stay connected.

Hi, welcome to The Couples Expert Podcast. This is episode 157 of our show. Thanks for joining us. Listen today as Stuart talks about the challenges that couples face when there’s a large age difference between them. Love happens when we least expect it and sometimes you fall in love with someone who is much older or younger than you are. Love happens!

Stuart tells about a couple who contacted him after he had stopped seeing in counseling. They reached out to him to ask him to officiate in their wedding ceremony. Stuart is an ordained minister in addition to being an LCSW and was honored to receive this request. The couple had struggled with commitment issues and had stopped coming to counseling and he was so gratified and happy to hear that they were now engaged to be married. That’s some great feedback for a couple’s counselor! It means that the couple has taken what they learned in counseling kept working on it, and applied it to the real world situations of their relationship so successfully that now they want to make their union official!

What you’ll learn from today’s podcast:

• We love whom we love, they don’t always meet our expectations 6:57
• Sometimes there might be one or two generations between partners 9:23
• Social norms about marriage have changed in the past decades 10:22
• What couples with an age gap have to contend with in the present and future 11:07
• You need to share things as a couple and what do you have in common to share? 15:15
• There’s a risk that the relationship takes on a parental tone when one is much younger 17:00
• Some of the ways to cope with this gap are through openness, acceptance and strong communications regarding issues of your differences; and finding your commonalities.  17:34

You have to discuss everything that has to do with the future. The length of time you’ll be together and plan for healthcare, end of life care, financial issues, family and children. Avoid the excuse and pitfall of attributing all your troubles to the age difference. It’s simply stuff that couples all have to deal with so you can’t blame it on age.

What’s important is to find that one person in the world for you and if they happen to be much older or younger, so be it. You’ll have some hurdles and obstacles that other couples might not, but if you’re fortunate enough to have that great love , isn’t it worth it? I think it is!

The Couples Expert podcast is sponsored by: Stuart’s Daily Notes is relationship mentoring via email. 5 minutes a day can improve your connection. Subscribe here: http://www.thecouplesexpertscottsdale.com/stuart-daily-notes/

Email Stuart: [email protected]

Next Week on the Couples Expert:  Stuart’s guest will be Amy Lyle. Her Book of Failures is a funny and relatable read. Listen as they talk about relationship fails. It’s going to be a fun show. We hope you’ll join us.

Until then, remember, age is just a number; it’s the person who matters. Stay Connected!

Hi and welcome to Episode 156 of The Couples Expert. Our podcast today is something that most couples will relate to. When the source article for this topic came out there were over 4,000 comments and it was widely shared throughout social media. That’s not necessarily a prerequisite for Stuart to choose a topic, but this particular topic resonated with so many people that he decided to go ahead and use it for the podcast this week.

When wives feel like they do a dual role as wife and mother to their spouse it can become problematic. When Stuart ran this one past his wife, and asked her if it was an issue in their home, Debbie’s response was laughter and agreement. She had a list of things that helped Stuart understand that this is a topic relevant to a lot of couples.

When spouses and partners feel they’re filling a parental-type role within the relationship, it’s hard to see their partner as an equal and the relationship suffers not only in the communication aspect but also in their sexual relationship. This podcast today is about getting connected back into an equal footing in your relationship and losing that feeling of having to have a parental role in the relationship.

What you’ll learn from today’s podcast:

• The gender gap between men and women is a real thing 7:28
• Your partner wants an equal in the relationship. THAT is sexy 10:24
• How you can help each other with a true give and take relationship 14:16
• Nothing should be more important than your relationship 18:27
• You should be excited to help one another 19:37

If your wife was your little sister, would you be excited that they were married to someone like you? If the answer is no, then you have some work you need to do. You can be the partner that your partner deserves. You can change your ways and have a more equal partnership starting now.  

You both work hard to provide what you each need and for your home and family. Keeping that in context and in balance means it’s not always equal or 50/50. Often it means one gives more, but that doesn’t mean it has to stay that way. Go out of your way to tip the scales in the other direction and let your partner be on the receiving end of your concern and care. Do something just to make him happy, just to give her a break.

This podcast is sponsored by: 2 Days and 7 Conversations Hold Me Tight Workshop. Register now: http://www.thecouplesexpertscottsdale.com/hold-me-tight/  Learn what you need to have a close and connected relationship with your partner. The Couples Weekend workshop is booking now for May 2018.

Email Stuart at [email protected] Stuart would love to hear from you with your reviews, comments and suggestions.

Subscribe on iTunes: Gain access to the entire archive of The Couples Expert Podcast. Subscribe here: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-couples-expert/id951362894?mt=2

Next Week: Join Stuart next week as he discusses the issues surrounding age disparity in sexual relationships. We hope you'll tune in.

Thanks for spending part of your day with Stuart Fensterheim, The Couples Expert. Until next time, help each other and stay connected!

Hi and Welcome to The Couples Expert with your host Stuart Fensterheim. This is episode 155 of our show. This episode is about preparing for marriage and the issues that come up for couples when they’re planning to make this important step to take their relationship to the next level. We don’t know what we don’t know, so premarital counseling and training is very important.

What you’ll learn from today’s podcast:

• Whether marriage is the next natural step for you [2:23]
• You need to be confident that you’re making the right choice [3:30]
• Marriage is more than a piece of paper [5:19]
• Divorce shouldn’t be an option in your mind [6:26]
• The conversations you need to have before you marry [10:35]

You need to discuss those subjects such as finances, religious practice, family planning, pets, your in-laws, and how you’ll spend your time. Talk about your communication style. How do you handle conflict?  Monogamy and sexual practices are all necessary for couples to discuss while planning your wedding or moving in together.

Whatever is important to you individually or as a couple, are the things that you need to discuss. These discussions should happen as you are planning your wedding. Then after you’re married you need to revisit them periodically. Life together evolves and changes as your circumstances change.

Don’t let the challenges or surprises throw you. Make sure you keep each other in the loop, talk about everything and be on the same page always.  If you do that you can weather the storms and struggles together.

The Couples Expert is sponsored by: Before You Tie the Knot, 12 Essential Conversations The Couples Expert premarital program. This is a 12 week course that will help train and prepare you for a successful marriage. Sign up here: http://www.thecouplesexpertscottsdale.com/12-conversations/

Subscribe to the podcast on iTunes:https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-couples-expert/id951362894?mt=2

Email: [email protected]   Please send your reviews, comments and suggestions. Stuart would love to hear from you!

Thank you for spending part of your day with Stuart The Couples Expert. Until next time, do the planning, do the work and stay connected!

Hi and thanks for joining us for The Couples Expert with your host, Stuart Fensterheim. This is episode 154 of our show. This week, Stuart is going to give you a course in arguing with your partner. Not that you should, but everyone does at one time or another. Listen to Arguing 101, a guide to fighting with your partner. Yes, you heard that correctly!

Conflict will come up in daily life for all couples (even The Couples Expert). Stuart describes somethings that came up for him and his wife the other morning and how they worked through it.

Don’t be surprised when this happens to you and your partner. This doesn’t mean you don’t love each other or have a healthy relationship. The indicator of a healthy relationship is the way you resolve the conflicts and use those experiences to move your relationship forward in a loving and connected way.

What you’ll learn from today’s podcast:

• Fighting is not the issue, it’s about repair [8:25]
• Fights are inevitable but they can improve your relationship [11:58]
• Recognize where the triggers come from [17:59]
• How successful couples do it [21:17]
• Ground rules for arguments from The Couples Expert [23:23]

Hi and welcome to episode 153 of The Couples Expert with your host The Couples Expert Stuart Fensterheim. Stuart brings you a topic that he’s had come up lately in his counseling practice: The idea that your sex life is not a porno movie. Are your expectations about sex with your partner realistic or do you expect your sex life to be like a porno movie?

Listen as Stuart discusses sexuality and expectations on today’s Couples Expert podcast.

Even the Couples Expert has expectations about sexuality that may not be realistic. Sex is affected by all sorts of outside circumstances: aging, our physical limitations and our expectations can be completely different from what normal healthy sexuality is in a long term relationship.

What you’ll learn from today’s podcast:

• The sex industry is huge, you can find anything you want to see 3:08
• Sex addiction is rampant and rivals any hard drug 4:00
• How is porn affecting your relationship? 5:14
• The gender divide in how porn is viewed 7:29
• We have to realize it’s not always fireworks and mind blowing sex 11:40
• Porn actors are not real people! 15:00 
• Porn sex vs. Real sex on YouTube link below 16:50

It’s great if you want to watch porn together and talk about it. Note the things that excite you and things you want to try. It’s all about what you both want. You both get to choose what the rules are. If your partner doesn’t feel comfortable trying something then you need to respect that.

Whatever your choices are, you both have to agree. IF your partner is into porn and you’re not comfortable with that you need to discuss it. If you can be open-minded about having a fantasy life and role playing or trying new things you just might broaden your horizons and spice up your intimate life. There’s nothing wrong with you and your partner experiencing new things sexually and being adventurous, just make sure that you both are okay with it.

Avoid being secretive or indulging in sex acts or porn fantasies that your partner doesn’t participate or is not aware of. This is venturing into infidelity and betrayal. Both of you have to be open and honest about what you’re doing sexually.

Sex addiction is no joke. If it’s an issue get help for the addiction before you try to save your relationship. See the resources on our website http://www.thecouplesexperts.com/resources

The point is to have adventures, being open and excited to share new things and explore your sexuality together, keeping your emotional connection strong.

Thank you for spending part of your day with The Couples Experts. We hope you enjoyed the show and take away something meaningful to your relationship. Until next time stay connected!

Free Giveaway:  Connecting with your partner isn’t always easy. Here are tips on How to Talk About the Hard Stuff.

Click here to Access the Free Giveaway

Next Week: Join us next week for Arguing 101 - We all argue, that doesn’t mean that we’re not happy or in love. Stuart will be talking about what triggers us and how to fight for your relationship not against your partner.

The Couples Expert Podcast is sponsored by: Stuart’s Daily Notes: Subscribe and change your relationship in 5 minutes a day with a video sent to your email inbox. The response has been overwhelmingly positive. Stuart’s Daily Notes can help you too!  http://www.thecouplesexpertscottsdale.com/stuart-daily-notes/

Subscribe to the podcast on iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-couples-expert/id951362894?mt=2

Email: Stuart would love to hear from you. If you have a comment, review, or suggestion for a topic Stuart can tackle in the future, please email him at [email protected]

Real sex vs. Porn sex: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q64hTNEj6KQ&feature=youtu.be

This is episode 152 of The Couples Expert Podcast with Stuart Fensterheim.  Today, Stuart is speaking today about the ghost of our past relationships that continue to haunt us and how to exorcise them from our lives.

We can tend to get into patterns that repeat; we get stuck in these ways of interacting in relationships that are a carryover from the past. Listen as how Stuart shows us how to get rid of those ghosts that haunt us and to live in the moment, in the present with our partners and to break those patterns so they can no longer harm us.

What you’ll learn from today’s podcast:

Where the triggers come from in the past 2:45

You can understand the pattern and change it 5:20

When you believe the lies of the past they can stay with you 7:23

You deserve to have the loving relationship you desire 10:00

You have to get rid of the ghosts that block your connection 12:12

A guided exorcism by your Jewish, counselor exorcist 17:25

We know in our heads that our partners don’t want to hurt us; it’s those voices in our heads from our pasts that are the enemy. Sometimes you just need some distance; a time out to cool off so that you can come back together calmly later on and talk about what is triggering you. You have to be a team to unite against those ghosts that threaten your security and happiness.

When you pull together and show love, you can defeat the patterns and change them. You must be willing to become vulnerable together and share what’s happening in the moment.  The good news is that you can move forward living mindfully in the present with the one who loves you most in the world. The two of you united fight the negativity of the past together. The life you create together overshadows those ghosts of the past.

The Couples Expert Is Sponsored by: Stuart’s Daily Notes: Get some free advice from Stuart sent directly to your email inbox. These gems can help you improve your relationship today! http://www.thecouplesexpertscottsdale.com/stuart-daily-notes/

Next Week: Please join Stuart next week when he discusses sexuality and the impact of pornography on expectations surrounding your sex life.

Email Stuart at [email protected]

Thank you for spending part of your day with The Couples Expert! Until next time, stay connected.

Today on episode 151 of The Couples Expert Podcast, Stuart is going to talk about what moves him to help couples. The type of counseling that he does is called Emotionally Focused Therapy, or EFT. Stuart is going to talk about what EFT is all about and how it helps couples and families feel more connected and learn how to meet each other’s attachment needs; what they need to feel loved and important to one another. You should only seek help for your relationship by a counselor that uses this EFT model and subscribes to an attachment based theory. All relationship problems are attachment based problems, lack of emotional connection, the behavior is only a symptom.

What you’ll learn from today’s podcast:

• Emotionally Focused Therapy & The Gottman Method use the EFT process
• (an attachment model) for counseling couples   [3:42]
• What is EFT and why it’s unique in counseling [6:45]
• EFT techniques are used to reframe negative patterns and then change the conversation   [8:00]
• How negative patterns affect how we view our partners [13:30]
• EFT is research and science based with high success rates and measurable results [16:40]
• The goal is to learn the language of attachment [20:07]
• Identifying and addressing the cycle you’re in with your partner [22:55]

This is episode 150 of The Couples Expert Podcast. Stuart's topic today is romance and Valentine's Day. This episode, is about the other 364 days of the year where you have an opportunity to be just as romantic as you would on Valentine's Day.

Romance is not about Valentine’s Day! You don’t love your partner only on February 14th. If that’s the only day you’re showing love to your partner, there’s something terribly wrong! Listen as Stuart brings you some valuable insight into romancing your partner all throughout the year.