In this week's scorching episode of The Dark Lord's Dispatch, Satan experiences a full-blown existential crisis after overhearing his own demons calling him "soft" compared to the Trump administration. The Prince of Darkness chronicles his professional humiliation as incompetent fascists achieve more evil through sheer stupidity than he managed through millennia of careful corruption. From Tulsi Gabbard doxxing CIA officers on Twitter to ICE arresting firefighters during actual wildfires, Satan watches in horror as these "crash of rhinoceroses" destroy American democracy with all the artistry of a drunk teenager with daddy's credit card.

Our demonic correspondents Abaddon and Leviathan attempt to console their boss while documenting the week's incompetent evil: FEMA staff purged during hurricane season, CDC professionals walking out in protest, churches forced to check papers before feeding the hungry (courtesy of Stephen "Vampire's Accountant" Miller), and the Air Force giving military honors to January 6th insurrectionists while they try to prosecute sandwich-throwing protestors. Satan ultimately admits that yes, Trump's administration has out-eviled Hell itself—but at least Hell maintains professional standards.

FROM THE EDITOR'S DESK: THIS WEEK'S AUDIO ASSAULT ON YOUR EARDRUMS

Listen up, mortals. Satan here, Editor-in-Chief of Hell's hottest news outlet, and holy shit do we have a show for you. While you pathetic meat sacks were crying about Cracker Barrel changing their logo—yes, really, a fucking RESTAURANT LOGO—Putin was giving your president homework assignments in Alaska like Trump's his bitch intern.

This week's dispatch features Beelzebub breaking down how Trump's planning to steal 100 House seats while ending mail-in voting that's existed since the goddamn Civil War, Lilith going nuclear about the FBI raiding John Bolton while your Defense Secretary casually endorses public executions and stripping women of voting rights, and Pestilence exposing how RFK Jr. just torched decades of autism research to push his vaccine conspiracy bullshit while actual kids suffer.

We're talking about the complete skull-fucking of American democracy while you idiots trend #CrackerBarrelLogo on X, because apparently corporate branding matters more than Putin running your country through his orange puppet. So plug in those earbuds and prepare for an audio colonoscopy of America's descent into fascism, served with a side of your own stupidity and garnished with the bitter herbs of truth you're too distracted to taste.

-Satan, Editor-in-Chief, The Dark Lord’s Dispatch