This week’s Dark Lord’s Dispatch finds Satan and his demon correspondents stumbling back from mental health sabbaticals looking like microwaved death, only to discover American democracy has gotten WORSE while they were gone. The Prince of Darkness breaks down three interconnected catastrophes that prove even Hell’s demons can’t handle this timeline: Deputy AG Todd Blanche literally declaring “It’s a war, man” against federal judges while recruiting baby lawyers to fight the judiciary, over 100 Republicans doing the math and deciding defending a pedophile’s golf buddy is bad for their careers after Epstein’s emails revealed Trump “knew about the girls,” and America’s closest allies cutting intelligence sharing because killing 76 people on boats without evidence is apparently too much even for fucking Britain. Satan’s analysis reveals these aren’t isolated incidents but rats reading the room and abandoning a sinking ship before the Epstein files torpedo what’s left of Trump’s presidency.

The episode reaches its apocalyptic climax with Satan connecting the dots only a millennia-old embodiment of evil could see: Trump’s got the USS Gerald Ford parked off Venezuela like Chekhov’s aircraft carrier, waiting for next week’s Epstein vote to drop so he can start a war to change the subject. Through the traumatized perspectives of Nyarlathotep (documenting how the DOJ prosecutes the wrong crimes against the wrong people), Lilith (exposing how Republicans aren’t heroes, just rats who can do math), and Abaddon (explaining how you know you’ve fucked up when Britain calls you a war criminal), the Dispatch reveals the oldest authoritarian trick in the book: when 100+ of your own party are about to rebuke you for pedophile connections, nothing distracts like dead soldiers and flag-draped coffins. Satan’s closing verdict? These incompetent fascists have achieved concentrated evil through pure stupidity, making Hell look like a well-run DMV that serves lattes by comparison.

Satan thanks you for listening to this week’s Dark Lord’s Dispatch! This podcast is public so feel free to share it with other worthless souls.

Welcome to the most fucked up therapy session ever recorded. Satan’s quarterly mental health expenditures now rival the GDP of small nations because his demons literally cannot psychologically process the transcendent folly of human evil anymore. Beelzebub developed a nervous tick from Trump speeches. Mammon cries during earnings reports. Hell’s entire workforce required intensive psychiatric intervention because watching humans has become more traumatizing than eternal damnation itself.

But here’s where shit gets cosmically weird: Jesus Christ himself shows up in Satan’s office wearing a Waffle House uniform and speaking with a Southern drawl after spending three months undercover as “Jesse the fry cook” in Alabama, trying to understand MAGA from the inside. His field reports from the 3 AM shift include customers claiming Trump is more Christian than Christ himself, pastors explaining why Mary and Joseph were “illegals,” and the slow realization that humanity might have broken beyond divine repair. Meanwhile, Lilith returns from three weeks of intensive therapy only to discover that ICE Commander Gregory Bovino tear-gassed children in Halloween costumes, sending her therapeutic progress into a tailspin of crystallized feminist rage that makes the Old Testament look gentle.

This isn’t political commentary anymore – it’s a psychiatric emergency broadcast from the underworld documenting the complete collapse of moral reality. Mike Johnson holds Congress hostage to hide Trump’s Epstein connections while America starves. Trump builds his $300 million ballroom on the ruins of democracy. The USS Gerald Ford steams toward Venezuela for an oil grab disguised as drug war. And through it all, Satan realizes that even eternal damnation has better healthcare coverage than America, while Heaven seriously considers ending the free will experiment because y’all have proven you can’t handle it. Blasphemous truth that’ll make you laugh, cry, and question whether the apocalypse might actually be the merciful option.

🎧 Listen if you dare…

Satan thanks you for listening to this week’s Dark Lord’s Dispatch! This podcast is public so feel free to share it with other worthless souls.

BREAKING: MY DEMONS ARE STILL IN THERAPY AND NOW I NEED A DRINK

Satan’s still flying solo from Hell’s throne room because his entire demonic workforce remains in therapy, unable to process humans achieving fascism through sheer fucking stupidity. This week’s cascade of authoritarian fuckery includes the Supreme Court asking when Black voting rights should “expire” like a warranty, GOP governors deploying the National Guard against tomorrow’s peaceful No Kings Day protests like they’re repelling an invasion, and John Bolton—yes, that warmongering walrus—becoming the third Trump critic indicted in three weeks, making him somehow sympathetic which officially breaks reality. Meanwhile, Trump confirmed CIA operations in Venezuela and potential ground invasion for drug trafficking, had a two-and-a-half-hour phone cuddle with Putin about meeting in Budapest, and someone proposed a $65 billion “Putin-Trump Unity Tunnel” through the Bering Strait because apparently, we’re not even pretending anymore.

The Prince of Darkness reaches for the bourbon at 9 AM while processing Trump’s Arc de Triomphe knockoff sitting on his desk—when asked who it’s for, he said, “Me”—while the government remains shut down and senators throw dog birthday parties. Satan explains how watching Republicans gut voting rights while claiming to defend democracy, prosecute enemies on fabricated charges while protecting actual criminals caught on FBI recordings, and deploy military force against protesters while calling THEM the threat has left Hell’s demons so demoralized they’re writing poetry and taking up watercolor painting. As Satan notes, when Nicolas Maduro sounds like the voice of reason and John Bolton deserves sympathy, evil has been stripped of all artistry and replaced with whatever the fuck Stephen Miller’s doing on CNN.

🎧 Listen if you dare…

Satan thanks you for listening to this week’s Dark Lord’s Dispatch! This podcast is public so feel free to share it with other worthless souls.

BREAKING: I GAVE MY DEMONS THE WEEK OFF BECAUSE HUMANS ARE OUT-EVILING US

This week’s Dark Lord’s Dispatch finds Satan flying solo because his entire demonic staff is on mandatory mental health leave, unable to cope with humans out-eviling Hell through pure incompetence. While his demons undergo group therapy and trust falls, Satan covers the week’s spectacular display of democratic destruction: Trump’s DOJ manufacturing prosecution of Letitia James over a $19,000 mortgage technicality while protecting actual criminals; Republicans shutting down their own government despite controlling everything, with even MTG blaming GOP leadership; and Stephen Miller accidentally admitting on CNN that Trump claims “plenary authority” (absolute monarchical power) before having an apparent on-air breakdown when he realized what he’d said.

Satan also addresses RFK Jr.’s deranged claim that circumcision doubles autism rates because babies get Tylenol, with Lilith texting from her retreat to suggest Kennedy get a medieval-style adult circumcision to cure his brain worms. The Prince of Darkness explains how watching humans achieve fascism through Truth Social posts has left his professional tormentors questioning their entire purpose. As Satan notes, “Why maintain elaborate torture chambers when you’re torturing yourselves with government shutdowns you caused?” The episode closes with Trump demanding the arrest of elected officials who disagree with him, prompting Satan to note that Trump’s future Hell roommate Nero sends his regards.

🎧 Listen if you dare…

Satan thanks you for listening to the Dark Lord’s Dispatch podcast! This podcast is public so feel free to share it with other worthless souls.

BREAKING: HUMANS RACING TOWARD FASCISM WHILE THEIR SPIRITUAL ADVISOR RAPES CHILDREN

This week’s Dark Lord’s Dispatch finds Satan in absolute disbelief as humans achieve new depths of incompetent evil that make Hell look like amateur hour. While Trump deploys troops to Portland to fight terrorists that don’t exist and declares actual war on drug boats (killing 31 people without trials), his bug-eyed FBI director Kash Patel fires a decorated agent for displaying a Pride flag. Meanwhile, 800 top military leaders get summoned from around the world to Quantico just to hear Trump ramble about using American cities as “training grounds” and watch Pete Hegseth tell them they’re too fat and too woke for his new “War Department.”

The episode reaches peak darkness when Lilith tears into Trump’s spiritual advisor Robert Morris, who just pleaded guilty to five counts of child rape but got only six months in jail for destroying a 12-year-old girl’s life starting on Christmas night 1982. Satan’s demons provide their unfiltered analysis of this cascade of fascist fuckery before the Prince of Darkness himself explains how humans are building Hell through Microsoft Outlook and administrative incompetence. The episode closes with a chilling message from Mussolini in Hell, warning Trump about what happens to fascists: “One day you’re Il Duce, the next you’re a human pee-piñata.”

🎧 Listen if you dare…

Satan thanks you for listening to the Dark Lord’s Dispatch podcast! This podcast is public so feel free to share it with other worthless souls.

SATAN’S SHOW IS BACK AND DEMOCRACY’S DISCOVERING NEW DEATH RATTLE DEPTHS

This week’s episode of The Dark Lord’s Dispatch features Satan experiencing pure joy (Kimmel’s back with 6.3 million viewers!) colliding with existential horror as Trump declares war on escalators. Yes, fucking ESCALATORS. The spray-tanned monument to malignant narcissism is demanding UN arrests because mechanical equipment stopped working, which his diseased brain interpreted as “triple sabotage.” Meanwhile, his DOJ buried FBI tapes of Tom Homan taking $50,000 in bribes while indicting James Comey for... taking notes. Eight hundred military brass got summoned to a mystery meeting at Quantico with zero explanation, presumably to swear loyalty to a man who thinks doorways are conspiring against him.

Satan’s demon correspondents deliver scorching analysis of democracy discovering depths even Hell hasn’t mapped. Beelzebub traces the paranoia pipeline from “the escalator tried to kill me” to prosecuting enemies while protecting criminals caught on tape saying “This better not be recorded” while literally taking the money. Leviathan dissects the Epstein panic—they HAVE their 218th signature but are desperately begging Republicans to withdraw, trying to CTRL+Z democracy like you can un-send a dick pic. The cosmic punchline? House Republicans CANCELED next week to hide from a vote they already lost. They’re playing hide-and-seek with democracy, except democracy already found them and is waiting for them to stop pretending the couch cushions make them invisible. As Satan notes: “I corrupt through artistry over centuries. These incompetent fucks achieved more evil through paranoid stupidity than I managed in millennia.”

🎧 Listen if you dare…

🎧 Satan’s most personal fucking episode yet. The Prince of Darkness experiences a complete mental breakdown when ABC suspends Jimmy Kimmel INDEFINITELY for making jokes about the comedy killer in chief, while Brian Kilmeade stays on air after literally advocating for executing homeless people with “involuntary lethal injection.” This isn’t just about losing Satan’s nightly comfort watch—it’s about America crossing the authoritarian Rubicon with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer to democracy’s skull. Trump declared networks “aren’t allowed” to criticize him, the FCC has made it happen, and corporations folded faster than Superman on laundry day because they value their $6.2 billion mergers more than free speech.

Meanwhile, the spray-tanned sack of personality disorders designated “Antifa” as a terrorist organization (ANTIFA ISN’T EVEN AN ORGANIZATION—it’s literally just being anti-fascist), and the DOJ deleted their own study showing right-wing extremists kill 7X more people than the left. Our demonic correspondents deliver scorching analysis: Nyarlathotep dissects the propaganda mindfuck of declaring IDEAS as terrorism, while Beelzebub exposes the corporate cowardice that killed comedy to protect profits. Satan’s final verdict: “Taking away the comedy doesn’t make the fascism less obvious. It just makes it less bearable. And when things become unbearable, people don’t laugh anymore. They do other things.” 🔥💀

Listen in, if you dare…

HELL'S THRONE ROOM — Friday, September 12, 2025

THE WEEK DEMOCRACY JUMPED INTO A SEWAGE POND WHILE NATO WENT TO WAR

In this week's explosive fucking episode of The Dark Lord's Dispatch, Satan experiences a complete mental breakdown as reality out-evils Hell itself. Charlie Kirk—that racist, misogynist piece of shit who spent years mainstreaming incel ideology and creating stochastic terrorists—gets assassinated at Utah Valley University, and Trump responds by giving him the Presidential Medal of Freedom and lowering flags to half-staff. Meanwhile, NATO shoots down Russian drones over Poland for the first time since the Ukraine war started, marking an actual military engagement between NATO and Russia while Trump tweets "Here we go!" like it's a fucking game show. Workers at Trump's prized Hyundai plant literally jump into SEWAGE PONDS to escape ICE raids at the very factory he brags about as economic success. Satan rages about being professionally outdone by human incompetence, explaining how his artistic approach to corruption over centuries has been surpassed by these "ham-fisted amateurs" achieving concentrated evil through sheer stupidity.

The episode features Lilith's special rage report "The Cock Blockade," where she dissects how the manosphere seized control of American reproduction while everyone argued about pronouns, with Kirk as their suit-wearing ambassador who laundered incel ideology for suburban consumption. The cosmic punchline? Jesus personally processed Kirk's Hell placement—first time in centuries Heaven and Hell agreed without a tribunal. Satan's taking Lilith to Kirk's orientation because she's "perfect for explaining his eternal accommodations." The episode closes with Satan gleefully planning Kirk's punishments: eternal diversity training, being surrounded by powerful women who ignore him, and getting ratio'd on Twitter-X forever while unable to delete his account. As Satan notes: "I corrupt through whispers, not bullets. These fuckers achieved more evil through sheer stupidity than I managed through millennia of careful planning."

Listen in, if you dare…

IS HE DEAD YET? WHEN PROOF OF LIFE MEANS DEALING DEATH

In this week's apocalyptic episode of The Dark Lord's Dispatch, Satan grapples with America's new national question: "Is he dead yet?" While 200,000 social media posts debate whether Trump is literally deceased, the possibly-corpse orchestrates a masterclass in DARVO (Deny Attack Reverse Victim and Offender) that makes Hell's entire manipulation curriculum obsolete. The Prince of Darkness chronicles his professional humiliation as Trump uses F-35 fighter jets to drown out Epstein survivors' testimony, strips Kamala Harris's Secret Service protection before her book tour, and murders eleven Venezuelans without trial—all while posting week-old golf photos as "proof of life."

Our demonic correspondents dissect this Schrödinger's Fascist phenomenon: Lilith exposes toxic masculinity's death rattle through four acts of state violence against women and minorities, from the September 3rd flyover to Texas's new $100,000 abortion bounty system. Nyarlathotep analyzes the quantum propaganda state where Trump simultaneously exists as decomposing on Twitter and dealing death in reality. Satan ultimately confesses that using military hardware for gaslighting while everyone thinks you're dead represents an innovation in evil he never imagined. The episode's haunting conclusion: America's too busy asking "is he dead yet?" to notice their possibly-dying president is using his potentially final heartbeats to stop other people's hearts.

Listen in, if you dare…

In this week's scorching episode of The Dark Lord's Dispatch, Satan experiences a full-blown existential crisis after overhearing his own demons calling him "soft" compared to the Trump administration. The Prince of Darkness chronicles his professional humiliation as incompetent fascists achieve more evil through sheer stupidity than he managed through millennia of careful corruption. From Tulsi Gabbard doxxing CIA officers on Twitter to ICE arresting firefighters during actual wildfires, Satan watches in horror as these "crash of rhinoceroses" destroy American democracy with all the artistry of a drunk teenager with daddy's credit card.

Our demonic correspondents Abaddon and Leviathan attempt to console their boss while documenting the week's incompetent evil: FEMA staff purged during hurricane season, CDC professionals walking out in protest, churches forced to check papers before feeding the hungry (courtesy of Stephen "Vampire's Accountant" Miller), and the Air Force giving military honors to January 6th insurrectionists while they try to prosecute sandwich-throwing protestors. Satan ultimately admits that yes, Trump's administration has out-eviled Hell itself—but at least Hell maintains professional standards.